Unexpected Help

Hi.

The first part is a bit sad, very sad for me as it hits home. But the second part represents how I hope it will happen for me in the future. It is the only solace I can find right now, believing that it will get better someday.

-I am not suicidal, just sad-

Wanted to clear that out.

Writing this took me through so many emotions and I hope you find it good enough.

You are amazing for reading my work <3

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PART ONE

The weather was good outside as I pulled in the garage, driving down the ramp to the lower level. The day had gone well and I was glad I could get out early from work. My boss told me that she was happy with how I'd performed the last week and therefore gave me the rest of the day off to do whatever I pleased. I had a whole afternoon at my disposal and tomorrow was the start of the weekend.

"What could I do?" I asked myself when I got out of the car which now was parked on my reserved spot.

"I could ask out Melissa on a date and see if she was available tonight!" I though happily as an answer to my previous question.

My mind raced with thoughts of what we could do, where we could go and if everything went well, how far we would take it.

But as I came to that last thought 'How far' I felt a heaviness in my chest. A burning sinking feeling of shame and guilt mixed with coldness and despair. All those feelings gripped me and tore down my good mood, replacing it with a resigned sadness. I who usually was so happy and positive - A trait many revered me for. Turned sad and depressed in the blink of a second, just like that. The worst thing was that this had happened many times before but not this quick. I slammed the car door shut and locked my car.

Each step up to the apartment felt heavy but when I turned the lock with my key I felt solace in my roommates usual cheerful greeting.

"Yello! Welcome home!"

From the sound of things she was in the living room on the sofa and got up to her feet with a thump. Asking me if I had any bags before even coming around the corner.

"You're home early, had a good day?" She asked and smiled towards me.

I put on a fake smile and raised my tone of voice knowing that she'd probably understand something was wrong if I didn't.

"Yeah it was alright, Erica let me go early because of my good work."

"See I told you it was worth the effort."

"For one afternoon off? Not quite sure if that's equal to..."

"Shush now Leo, today you get off work tomorrow you get a promotion." And she was off to the kitchen to check the fridge. I hanged my jacket in the hallway and let my feet free from the confines of my shoes. Slumping down on the sofa I picked up the book she was reading, examining the cover, it was a thriller about a man called John. "How generic." I thought but didn't get much further as she startled me by poking my ribs.

"You'll mess up the pages, I don't remember where I was!"

I was extremely ticklish and put down the book instantly, yielding to her attack.

"So what are you gonna do with this freedom you have today?"

"I dunno." I answered and reflected over the fact that she still was in her jammies. Socks up to her knees, black shorts that fit tightly to her thighs leaving much of her milky white skin bare and a slim fit t-shirt that I gave her last christmas. It was blue and had the text "Jammie Whammie!" across her chest covering most of her breasts. But with a quick glance I could see her nipples poke through. It was a bit chilly in our home. She didn't notice me looking her upp and down due to her book.

"Have you not gone outside today?" I asked her.

"I got the mail earlier." She responded absently.

"Rose, we have a letterbox."

"Oh... Then no."

"Hey! She said promptly looking up from her book. "You should go out with Melissa tonight, I mean you've been on two already. Maybe the third is the one?"

"Yeah maybe." I answered unsure of myself and what I was feeling.

"You like her right? I know she likes you."

"I do." Maybe too much. "And how do you know that? You've met her once."

"Oh please, the way she looks at you? It's practically already done. You just have to tie the bag."

My thoughts derailed and the sadness returned with a force that hit me hard in the chest.

"We'll see." I said shrugging of the subject.

Evening soon came and Rose had talked me into asking Melissa out for dinner, who happily said yes. We were to meet at a restaurant a bit from me and Rose's apartment at half past seven. So I made sure to go workout before showering and getting ready for the date. It felt nice to lift weights, to let out steam and clear my head. But I could never really shake the worrying thought that so often pop up in my head.

I made sure to be at the restaurant a few minutes before so that I could collect myself before meeting her. I gave her a hug when she arrived and told her she looked beautiful before pulling out her chair, inviting her at the table.

She was wearing a simple black dress that fit nicely to her figure and suited the restaurant. It was a decent place, nothing too fancy. Her blonde hair reached her shoulders and she had dark red lipstick perfectly put in place on her small lips. She was shorter than me and looked pretty in the dim restaurant light.

We ordered a bottle of wine and food from the waiter who was very kind. And started talking about lots of stuff. Soon enough a question came from her that concerned Rose.

"So Leo, how long have you known your roommate?" Her lips were moving slowly, or maybe that was the wine having its effect on us

"Rose? Hmm, about a year maybe. How so?"

"I just wondered, you two seem so close."

"Yeah we're great friends, we met each other at a mutual friends party. Realised that we both need an apartment and set out to find one. Which we as you know did."

She smiled in response and we kept on eating, changing conversations and drinking wine. I actually had a good time despite my earlier anxiety.

"Would you walk me home?" She asked shyly as we stepped outside with our jackets on. I was about to offer her the same thing she was asking about so instead I said. "With pleasure."

It took us about ten minutes to reach her building, an old stone building about four floors high. We turned to face each other outside the main door and I said "Thank you for a nice evening." My inner voice kept saying. "Kiss her, kiss. Her. Do it stupid, what's the worst that can happen." My heart was pounding like a drum and I felt her waiting for me to do something.

I was just so fucking nervous.

What actually was a split second felt like an eternity of me chickening out, as usual.

She took the initiative and stepped forward slowly, locking eyes with me. It was all I needed, I knew now that she truly wanted this and reached for her waist, pulling her close to me. Our lips met and it felt as though my entire body was shaking from nervousness.

She broke of the kiss. "Do you... want to come upstairs?"

A simple "Yes." Was the only thing I could muster and she led me up to her apartment. Once we came inside and I closed the door I took a deep breath, trying to calm my blazing nerves. We started making out in the hallway and soon clothes were falling as we made our way to her bedroom. We laid down and continued kissing with me on top, propped up on my arms. Soon though my arms started shaking and she motioned me to lay down so she could straddle me. I reached up to unclasp her bra, the only piece remaining except for her panties. Her breasts were small but fitted nicely into my palms as I caressed them, like peaches I thought. She started grinding on top of me and it felt so good, so damn good but I had the same problem as always. I was just ignoring it, hoping it would go away. Her hands rested on my chest as she kept on grinding, soaking my underwear and dick with her juices. Moans escaped her mouth as I moved one hand from her breast, letting it trail down to her warm opening. I found her little button peeking out from behind it's hood and touched it gently with my finger. She quivered and kept on grinding on my dick who refused to get hard.

"It will work, it will work... please let it work." I pleaded to my inner voice who was responsible for my body's functions.

I tried to shake the thought and live in the moment, enjoy every sensation and focus on Melissa. The woman on top of me who actually wanted to be with me right here, right now.

She picked up her pace and it was oh so good, until finally she went silent and started shaking violently.

"She just came, I did that. It must mean I'm good right??" I thought with a slimmer of hope in my mind. This might just work!

Melissa fell down on me and pressed her lips to mine feeling her way down with her hand until she reached my dick. She smiled and said "I'll help you." Before kissing her way down there, removing my cum-drenched underpants. She licked my member a few times before taking it in her mouth to suck hard.

It felt so fucking good with her bobbing up and down it sent shiver through my body. For a few seconds I was lost in pleasure grunting as she did her best to help me get hard.

But it couldn't.

It wouldn't.

I knew it was over after about 10 minutes of her trying every way possible to get me somewhere.

I mean the pleasure was there and I wanted to have sex but it did. Not. Work.

I let out a hopeless sigh.

She eventually let it go from her smooth mouth and looked up at me with distress.

"Don't you think I'm hot?"

"I do." I reassured her, embarrassed beyond anything.

She did not look reassured.

"Then why is your dick not working?"

Yeah that's a really good fucking question.

WHY IS MY DICK NOT WORKING?

I of course got no answer to that question as my inner voice had said "Sayonara bitch!" and left.

The mood died instantly and I covered my face with my hands, on the brink of tears.

"I uh, I'll take a shower."

She left me alone in her bedroom, naked on the covers with a limp dick and unbelievable shame.

And that's when the voice decided to return.

"You sorry excuse of a man, can't even get hard for a girl. Are you not straight?"

I felt the tears coming and I had no chance of holding them back. So I put on my clothes as fast as I could and hurried out of there practically running down the stairs, leaving Melissa in the shower.

It was past midnight and summer was nearing its end, it was chilly. I walked briskly towards my home a good fifteen minutes away. Tears slowly but steadily rolling down my face and shame coursing through my body. My chest felt tight and my inner demonic voice was pounding me with guilt.

"Why do you even try?! This happens every time."

"Because it might work one day." I countered holding on to hope.

"It won't and you know it, you were born alone you will die alone."

"No!" I proclaimed and made people look my direction as I walked on.

"Great, now they think you are crazy too, limp dick and crazy! You are pathetic."

It was to much for me to handle so I switched of my mind in defence of psychic damage. Crying all the way home and in to my bed were I passed out from exhaustion, tears still wet on my face.

PART TWO

I spent the next few weeks burying myself in work, tv-shows and going to the gym. Trying not to think about sex or anything else related to a relationship. It was like a boulder that I just pushed in front of me, trying to avoid the problem. I searched many websites in hopes of finding a solution or cure but distracted myself with other stuff as soon as I felt the hopelessness return. I started no nut november and cut of all porn hoping that it could help. I also went to a doctor who said there was nothing wrong with me physically since I could masturbate alone.

It all worked well, avoiding the stuff that hurt me. Playing along with my friends at work when they talked about sex. Agreeing on whatever they said about how "Amazing it is."

Hiding the truth took its toll and I wanted nothing more than to find someone, someone who actually wanted to listen to my problems. Someone who wanted to help me.

Someone who cared.

Eventually my roommate Rose had enough and asked me about it one day when she got home from work. She was never scared of speaking her mind.

"I have let you roam around in your misery far too long now. I thought it would pass but it's not so what's up? Talk to me."

I looked at her from my end of the couch uncertain of what I could say. Knowing she won't stop until the truth comes out.

"I..."

"It can't be that bad, unless you are dying, that's bad."

I scruffed. "I'm not dying."

"Good, then talk to me. What is happening?"

I can tell her right? She won't judge me like everyone else or feel pity and change the subject. She wants to know.

I gathered what courage I had and blurted out.

"I think I have erectile dysfunction."

She leaned back and went quiet for a few seconds. Analysing what I just said with a concerned expression.

She opened her mouth and spoke.

"Do you know why?"

"I think it has to do with performance anxiety, it's in my brain." Or at least that's what I think it is since it's not physical.

"Well that's not so bad." She said with a light tone. "I mean it's fixable right?"

"I think so, I don't really know it's all so uncertain."

"Well have this been a problem for a long time?"

"All my life..."

"Oh." She fell silent.

"Rose..."

"Look." She smiled looking as cute as she always does. "Let me help you, this is no biggie, we'll solve it together. Does anyone else know?"

"No only you."

She scooched closer to me, straightening her white work shirt that she still wore.

"What umm, what do you think when it happens?."

"I feel shame and guilt, like I'm less than a man. I often end up crying or feeling depressed. I am a sad mess."

"No you are not." Her face went dead serious and she continued. "Leo you are funny, smart, kind and you work hard. You have an amazing body and you are a medic! You save lives!"

I thought about what she said and she was telling the truth, I could just not see it or feel it. I felt all those suppressed emotions swell up and break through my barrier that I had put up during these past few weeks.

"Come here." She said calmly as she moved over to me and pulled me in for a hug. It felt so good to be close to someone, to physically touch another person, to get hugged.

"You are worth so much more than what you do or don't do in bed. You are the best person I know." She squeezed me harder and I felt loved for the first time in very long, months or even years.

We sat there holding each other, neither wanting to let go but eventually we did. She spoke.

"Listen, we can cuddle. That way you'll get used to being with a woman and get less nervous."

"Ok but won't it be weird?" I said it more as a courtesy because I really wanted to cuddle with someone, with a friend, with Rose.

"It's strictly platonic." She said happily.

"Sure."

I reached out my hand to shake hers but she simply pushed it down back into my lap and gave me a quick peck on the lips. Before jumping up to her feet and tiptoeing to the hallway.

"Cheer up Leo, we're getting pizza!" She yelled from the front door. Snapping me out of my trance.

The night rolled on and we were about to go to bed, our rooms were on separate corners of the apartment and as I was walking towards mine she called out. "Where are you going?" Come into my room.

I did as she asked albeit concerned that I would fuck something up as usual. Her room was tidy with a few pieces of clothing either hanging of chairs or on the floor. It was panties, t-shirts and socks. She was wearing dark green panties and the sleeping shirt that she got from me and always wore. I was in my underpants and a simple white t-shirt. She turned around towards me and smiled.

"Ok ground rules, no touching here or here." She said as she gestured towards her breasts and between her legs. "I wear this t-shirt and panties and you wear underpants at least. If we start to touch I'm not sure I can contain myself with you."

"Wha..." I asked but was interrupted.

"Sounds good?" She gave thumbs up and stood there waiting.

What did she say about containing herself? I was confused but nodded yes and gave thumbs up in response.

"We will fix this." She said before climbing under the covers in her bed. I did the same and we could easily fit next to each other on her wide mattress. She turned to her side and snuggled up into me, pressing her back and butt into my front. She was warm and smelled of strawberries, her soft red-brown hair tickled my cheeks. I put my arm around her and rested it on her chest under her breasts. Her warmth gave me comfort and I could feel her heart beating fast through my hand. It was comforting.

We fell asleep like that and woke much the same when her alarm went off early. It was now tuesday and we had to work.

It went on like that for a little more than a week, we might switch rooms but we never slept alone. I quickly got used to it and found a hand on or across her breasts on many mornings. Discreetly removing it careful not to wake her up. I even found my morning woods returning very often. As it had not been there before. I never dared to push anything though scared that it might ruin what we have.

On a normal saturday night we cuddled in my bed after watching a thriller in the living room. It was the movie adaptation of the book that she recently had read. We joked about different plot points and leaned on each other on the sofa. Now I was trying to fall asleep but she kept re-adjusting her position so that my dick kept getting trapped between her buttcheeks. It was nice and all but made it really hard for me to drift off. She groaned and turned her face around so that we were tantalizingly close to each other. I couldn't see her eyes but I knew they were a beautiful mix of blue and grey. I could feel her breath and imagined those full lips, always pouting ever so slightly.

"So very kissable." I thought to myself delighted over the fact that I was lying next to such a cute and beautiful woman.

Then she kissed me.

And my world exploded.

I kissed her back and we were soon making out, she turned her body around and put a hand on my cheek caressing it lightly. I returned by pulling her closer to me with my free hand. We explored each others mouths with our tongues and didn't pause to say anything. We didn't need to either, our feelings were the same.

She pushed me onto my back and got on top, relaxing her body and not stopping what we were doing. Her arms held onto my chest and her nails dug carefully into my skin. She gyrated her hips against mine and I felt warmth. Her entire body radiated, heating me up, warming my heart. I could feel her entire body grinding on me but I was to busy registering every sensation I felt between our lips.

I was lost in a sea of warm pleasure and affection and when I thought it couldn't get better, it did. A hot wetness engulfed my cock and slid down onto me. I hadn't noticed it but I was now inside of Rose, she had guided me there and helped me as she promised so many days ago. I just had no idea she meant this.

Somehow she had freed my dick from it's prison without me noticing anything.

She squeezed my hard member with her muscles and let slip a small moan.

"You're inside of me Leo and it feels so good."

"I am." She was right, I was and it was the best feeling in the world. But I felt I wouldn't last long due to not ejaculating for almost a month.

"You know I'm on the pill, so don't stop until you cum." She reassured me and started rocking back and forth with her hips. Sitting up and removing her t-shirt revealing those amazing breasts to me. They were milky white as the rest of her and bigger than my hands could handle on their own. Despite this they were still perky and her nipples stood out pointing slightly upwards. She rose until only the tip of my dick was still inside her and fell down hard letting gravity do its thing. Rose repeated this movement until the room echoed with our loud smacks and moans. Through the dark I could see her breasts swing heavily, a beautiful sight sending waves of emotions through my body. Her eyes were closed and her mouth was open letting out moans in sync with our fucking.