tagHumor & SatireUnion Labor of The Elf Persuasion

Union Labor of The Elf Persuasion


(Sorry, there's no sex in this story, so you best look elsewhere this time. Just a different take on things.)

Stop Santa before it's too late. Maybe it is already too late. After all it's been going on for several centuries now. It's a proven fact that all the labor at the North Pole is done by elves. He, and everyone else, freely admits it. They are truly slaves with no union representation. Not a word is said about proper recompense for the long, strenuous hours they work, making toys for children.

Even Asia, which is castigated for long hours and low wages, does not particularly condone outright slavery in today's work-a-day climate. Enough information has leaked out that an informed opinion can be had regarding the deplorable conditions that have evolved up in that northern region.

Apparently they are rather well fed, as some of the pictures of the factory do depict some overweight elves, but then how do we know that those are not posed publicity pictures that have been let out for the very purpose of propaganda? Such misdirection has been done many times before by groups and countries trying to conceal the abysmal treatment of their people.

It's reprehensible that these conditions have gone on as long as they have! It's time that a proper, altruistic union take hold up there and change the bad working conditions that currently exist. It's past the time to establish maximum working hourly limits. They have worked so diligently and so hard for so long that they should be entitled to a long vacation, first off.

Burmuda would be fitting. Mazatlan or Acapulco, Honolulu or Maui would be about right, too. Somewhere away from the eternal blistering cold of the frigid North Pole where they have spent a lifetime secluded away from the warmth of most of the world. They should be allowed to choose their choice of venues.

Yes, Santa goes on a long trip once a year, but does he take any elves with him? No! After all this time and labor, they are more than entitled to not only back wages, but to adequate time off from their labors in order to relax a bit and get ready to meet the surge of the pre-Christmas rush.

Can't you just imagine how nice and elaborate the toys might be if the elves had some time off to rest and relax, and to perhaps dream up some new designs for toys. Take tops, for instance, they've been around for several hundred years. Still manually operated. In this day and age, that's intolerable. We have had electricity for some time now, also solar and atomic. Still manually operated. Shameful. Couldn't they come up into the 20th century and be battery powered, at least? With the world turning green, as it were, solar would be a good choice, too.

The Comprehensive Health International League, Department of Removing Environmental Negatives (CHILDREN) should immediately send representatives up there and should be allowed to poll the elves regarding their wages, housing and treatment. The polling should done without the controlling supervisors in the immediate vicinity of the conference area in order to get a free and uncoerced statement from each interviewee.

It could be interesting to see for oneself the reactions when, for the first time, these people have a chance to freely speak for themselves without the hint of retaliation of controllers. The revelations and repercussions could affect entire nations worldwide. It goes without saying that all children that have believed in Santa Claus, St. Nicholas, Good St. Nick, or whatever alias this slave driver is using at this time, will be aghast when the truth finally comes out about the treatment of the elves. After Santa, the elves have traditionally had a place in childrens hearts, thinking them as jolly, happy and hard working little people. To have these beliefs shattered will devastate many.

Something like "Northern Elves Representative Friends and Benevolent Association Local League" (NERF BALL), would be nice. Kinda sings, doesn't it. With organization, it could be a real factor in the oncoming Christmases and everyone could use the toys with a relaxed abandon, knowing that their toys were made by happy union elves, attested to by the union stamp proudly affixed to each and every toy that is distributed by Santa. It would certainly superior to a "made in China" label attached to an article that may not even survive the rigors of wrapping, let alone the pressure of being played with by children.

A union elf is a happy elf, having gained a proper wage, limited working hours, vacation time and health insurance. I don't know about you, but I have never heard of any evidence of medical courses covering the treatment of elves. A number of them, up there, are very old and could certainly be experiencing any number of problems and diseases. Has there ever been even a clinic up there? The only evidence of food up there is sugar plums and candy, certainly not anyone's idea even closely approximating a proper diet. Why this terrible diet hasn't decimated the working population up there is a serious question. Diabetes must be rampant!

The loyalty and longevity that they have displayed over many years should merit at least a small hospital with trained personnel in attendance along with retirement facilities for those that have reached a retirement age. The facilities should also be area specific, as small rocking chairs on a front porch do not work well in the Artic.

Clothing is certainly an issue as well. Apparently they are never issued any changes. Even slaves in other times and jurisdictions were issued new clothing annually, as a rule. Elves, never, apparently as you never see them dressed differently. True, their apparel is traditional elf design, and should stand up to the rigors of the workshop, however, damage cannot be avoided. Why aren't they issued clothing periodically to compensate for this wear and tear? A clothing allowance is certainly called for.

Age, alone, must be one of the bargaining points. After all, some elves may have been working up there for as long as a hundred years for all that we know and that's unconscionable and certainly equates to slave labor. One wonders what happens when an elf gets too old, or feeble, to work. Are they just thrown out to fend for themselves? The North Pole is, of course, extremely, bitterly cold and virtually untenable without proper facilities. Is there a mass area up there that is composed of frozen blocks of little green objects? A comprehensive scan by a couple of satellite cameras is in order, for sure. I firmly believe that positive proof will be shown if the truth is allowed to come out.

That also brings us to living quarters. Apparently, they are allowed to cohabitate and procreate, but under what conditions one can only wonder. Young elves have been pictured, at times, but I can't recall any sign of baby elves. Are they kept in seclusion and away from any outside influence until they reach a size that can be put to work so they are totally unaware of normal conditions of the outside world? Santa is well known to give presents to almost all children in the world, the ones that are good, at least. Do the elf children get presents from Santa? No reply from up there, therefore one can only assume that even this little treat is kept from them every year. Are the mates assigned by their masters, or are they allowed to freely choose. When living together, are they allowed any privacy for their mating rituals?

When the doors are opened up, so's to speak, perhaps a study group could be formed to study the mating habits of elves to see if there many differences from that of regular humans. Although elf appearances are somewhat similar to those of homo sapiens, there are some obvious differences, too, other than their short stature. It would be to their benefit to have studies made regarding every facet of their lives so that they can be encouraged and treated to have a normal, elf lifestyle.

It's too late this year, but look for the union label next year, then it will be truly be a happy Yule, at least for the elves.

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