Unity and Destiny Pt. 01

She shook her head.

"I've never been to a doctor," Esther said. "Probably for the same reasons as you. I imagine it's become more obvious as you got older."

Selena snorted and looked up. "Are you all this young? Christ, I feel ancient here."

"You're not old," said Esther. "The woman who ran this place until last summer was over a hundred and seventy years old."

Selena's mouth dropped open and she stared at Esther.

"You're not lying, are you? I can't tell. You're not making fun of me? This isn't some elaborate fraud for my money?"

Esther shook her head, and then she carefully opened the shroud of privacy she always kept around herself. It wasn't as easy as it should have been, but she tried to put that out of mind. She could help this woman. Her own problems could wait.

"I'm not lying," she said. "Abuela was vastly more skilled than any of us. She left this place, and its mission, to me, though so far I'm a pretty poor replacement."

Selena drank in her words. And then to her surprise, the older woman winced as though in pain.

"You're as sincere as you seem," she said. "And so hard on yourself."

Esther shook her head and shifted her weight. She needed to get more active again. All these aches and pains ...

She stood up with a grunt, gesturing to a pair of facing chairs. She offered Selena a hand, but the other woman leaned back, rising to her feet like a gymnast before sitting in the other chair.

"Oh," Selena said. "I didn't mean to be rude. I—am not comfortable with physical contact."

Esther nodded. "I was the same way. Is it because of your body?"

Selena gripped the chair more tightly, but she didn't say anything.

"We don't have to talk about that," said Esther. "Do you want to ask me any questions?"

Selena sighed and closed her eyes. She unexpectedly smiled and sat still for a moment before opening them again.

"What—what are we? I mean, if there is a we. I thought there was no one else."

"We are people with Changes. There are at least a few hundred like us in this country," Esther said. "Abuela thought maybe many more than that, but there is a great range of Changes, which likely includes ones too subtle for people to ever notice."

Selena nodded and frowned. "I used to fantasize about that. Being just a little different. Enough to be weird, rather than a total freak of nature."

"We're not freaks," said Esther. "And you can learn to control these abilities so they don't distract you. I even know someone who was able to suppress them completely."

"What can you do, then? How did you find me, anyway?"

Esther nodded. It was so strange to be on the opposite side of this, and still to feel so ignorant. She had a lot more sympathy now for Abuela's reticence.

"I am extremely sensitive," Esther said. "All of my senses, and perhaps more than that. I can sense and intuit things from distances that should be impossible. We have theories for how it might work, but we still don't understand. Abuela didn't either. And as you've seen, I have some influence on the senses of others as well. It works best when the other person is very sensitive, as you clearly are. That's also what allowed me to find you in the first place."

"There's more, isn't there," Selena said, staring at Esther.

Esther nodded. "I will try to explain it all in time. You can sense the truth behind people's words, can't you?"

Selena nodded with discomfort. "It sounds crazy when you say it that way," she said. "It's not like I'm mind-reading or anything. It's just, people always give away so much with their body language. It's always been easy for me to read that. Sure didn't make me friends when I was younger, but it turns out to be a major asset in the business world, particularly as a woman. And now, here you are, and I can't read you at all unless you let me. Are you messing with my senses?"

Esther thought about that. She still wasn't positive how she shielded herself from others' scrutiny.

"I don't know," she said. "Perhaps. I think hiding this way is an innate skill, or something I've done so long that I have trouble understanding it. You see, I was obviously not normal even as a child. Would it make you feel better if I told you explicitly how? It is rather personal, but if it would help ..."

Selena gave her an odd smile. "No, no, don't do that. I'll take your word for it. Honestly, I'd take your word for anything at this point. The quiet. Is this how it always is for you?"

Esther sighed. "No, unfortunately. To use my abilities, I have to listen. I'm doing that even now."

Selena gave her a measured look. "I see. And if you can still hear through this deafening silence, you must be the right one to teach me. So, how do we begin?"

* * *

Javier looked up from the vegetable plot as Selena came out of their cabin. Esther's cabin.

The older woman was rubbing her forehead and muttering something, over and over. She headed for the other cabin and closed the door.

Javier brushed himself off and walked towards their cabin. He paused to knock, and Esther told him to come in.

She was holding one of Abuela's sculptures, as she often did. This looked like a new one for Esther, not that Javier could keep track very well.

"Is she going to be all right?" he asked.

"Hmm? Oh, yes, I think I can help her," Esther said. She focused on him with some difficulty.

"Do you want me to leave you?" he asked, and she shook her head.

"No, not quite yet. There's something I wanted to tell you. I know you didn't want Selena to come, but you still helped me bring her here. Thank you so much, Javier. She's kind of like Jacob was, I think. All that information is too much for her to process. I started her with one of Abuela's calming meditations, but it's going to take time. Oh, uh, and she can tell if you're lying to her. So I wouldn't do that, not that you're likely to."

Javier blinked. "Huh. This place is weirder all the time, isn't it?" He turned to go, but Esther stopped him.

"I have to meditate for a while," she said. "And maybe get a nap if I'm lucky. But I'm keeping all my time after dinner open. Deal?"

Javier smiled. "Deal."

But after he left, all he could think about was how tired Esther looked. He would talk to her about it tonight. Keeping her healthy and rested was more important than whatever duties she thought she had to maintain, for him or anyone.

He finished weeding and looked back towards the open area near the parking lot. Nicola was still working on whatever it was she was making.

"Nicola," he said as he approached. "Everything OK?"

"Peachy," she said. "Hand me that box of screws?"

For a while he helped her as best he could.

"Something on your mind?" she asked, wiping her forehead.

"Esther," he admitted. "I'm worried about her."

"Mmm," she said. "Something in particular?"

"I don't know," said Javier. "She won't tell me. I wonder, though, maybe she said something to you? Some reason why she's so exhausted all the time? And I know she's stalled in figuring out her abilities, but she doesn't like to talk about it. She's not sleeping too well, but I don't know if there's a reason for that either. Am I doing something wrong that I'm too stupid to see?"

Nicola sighed. "No, I sincerely doubt you're doing anything wrong, Javier. You're perfect. You're even giving her space when she asks, and I know that must be hard. Just be patient, and I'm sure she'll tell you eventually. So, what do you think of the new girl?"

Javier had the sense that Nicola was changing the subject, but he couldn't blame her. She wouldn't want to get in the middle of things.

"Selena seems all right," Javier said. "Esther says she can't control the information coming in, and that's what's driving her nuts."

"Like Jacob," said Nicola, and Javier nodded.

"Oh, and she's also a human lie-detector."

Nicola started laughing. "Figures. Here I was thinking this place was just a fishbowl. Now it's even worse. I'll have to keep my fucking mouth shut."

"I dunno," said Javier. "You seem pretty honest to me. A little too blunt, maybe."

Nicola didn't seem very happy at that, so Javier beat a retreat. He thought he could talk to women, but somehow Nicola always had him feeling a step behind.

A bit later he heard shouting from the shared cabin. He looked up in time to see Nicola slam the door and stalk off into the woods.

Esther would have heard that, of course. And now she'd be worrying about how to keep the peace, as though everyone else's interactions were her responsibility. Well, perhaps Javier could help a little.

He nervously walked over to knock on the door.

"Leave me alone," Selena's voice groaned from inside. "Just leave me alone."

She was probably looking for quiet, of course. Javier felt like an idiot. He really was useless today.

Luckily, Mark returned early, and Javier happily set to helping him with dinner. Mark had brought back a beautiful big fish, carefully wrapped in his pack, and for a while they worked together preparing it.

"Am I going to meet the new woman at dinner?" Mark asked eventually.

"Oh! I'm sorry, Mark, you missed all that. Her name is Selena, and she's the woman from LA we mentioned before. She's having trouble with all of her senses overwhelming her. Esther gave her an exercise to try, but I think she's having difficulty. I hope she wants to eat with us."

Mark nodded. "She seems very fit. Perhaps she would like to come with me tomorrow."

Javier smiled. "That's a good idea. I think she likes outdoor things, and I know you'd be quieter company than the rest of us."

He considered warning him about her truth-telling abilities, but as far as Javier could tell, Mark was incapable of actual deception.

Nicola eventually returned to finish helping them with dinner. Just as they took the fish out of the oven, Esther came in, with Selena behind.

"Selena, this is Mark," she said. "Mark, Selena. Thanks, everyone. The fish smells wonderful."

Selena edged in the door and gave Mark an appraising look.

"You caught that brown trout today?" she asked, clearly impressed. Mark nodded.

"Fly or bait?"

Mark frowned, then shook his head. "I chose the correct spot, and then I caught it in my hands. It is very quick for the fish. I do not believe they suffer."

Selena's mouth opened in surprise. She looked at him for a while longer before choosing a seat, next to Esther.

After they served the food, they all waited while Esther closed her eyes and said her silent prayers. Javier didn't mind if she said them aloud, but it was Esther's habit. Something she considered her duty, but not something to burden others with. If anyone deserved God's grace, it was Esther.

"This is excellent food," Selena said after a few minutes. "Thank you for preparing it, and for your hospitality. I may be a difficult guest, and for that I apologize."

"I thought Esther was a difficult guest, too," said Nicola, staring at her plate. "Shows what I know, doesn't it. It's pretty obvious I'm not the most gracious of hosts."

Selena and Nicola shared a look, and Javier relaxed. They were trying, at least.

Nicola disappeared at the end of the meal, and Javier heard the sounds of her hammering again on her project. Selena insisted on helping Mark clear up the food, while Javier held Esther's hand. He was getting nervous about the coming evening, which was no help to either of them.

"Selena," he said, "would you like to go out tomorrow with Mark? He spends pretty much every day out ranging through the woods."

She looked at Mark uncertainly.

"Javier says you have difficulty with sensations overwhelming you," said Mark. "This reminds me of times I suffered severely when younger. I always find peace moving among the trees."

Selena smiled slightly. "Yes, I think I may be similar to you in that respect. I'd be happy to come along tomorrow, if it won't bother you."

Esther squeezed Javier's hand, and the two of them stood up.

"Good night, Selena," Esther said. "I'm really glad to have you here. If I don't see you in the morning, we can talk again tomorrow evening."

When they got to the cabin, Javier sat on the bed. But Esther went to the dresser, coming up with her bathrobe.

"How about we start in the bath?" she asked, and Javier perked up. Soon he was following her across the camp, feeling faintly naughty. Nicola glanced up from her work but otherwise ignored them.

They locked the door, and Esther got the tub going. After they hung up their robes, for a while Javier just held her. Her chest was covered in goosebumps, her nipples startlingly erect in the dim light. She could control some of that, but she'd told him once that she liked the chill. She'd spent so much of her life prone to overheating easily from exercise.

Everything was going to go fine. There was plenty of time to have a Talk. He wouldn't push things.

Esther settled against him in the bath, her head on his chest, her legs partly up on the tub. When she reached for the hand sprayer, he knew it was that kind of bath. They hadn't done this since a memorable time while visiting on winter break. Nicola had teased him afterwards about the noise they made, and he'd secretly been proud. Nicola certainly was noisy enough sometimes.

"Javier," Esther said softly. "Can I try something? I want to see if I can feel some of what you sense."

Javier blinked in surprise. He didn't think her abilities worked that way, not for someone without any special senses. But then, he'd been able to hear her calling from a distance. And Franklin had managed do the awful things he did even to ordinary people, though apparently it had been more difficult. He shivered, pushing away that thought.

"Of course," he said.

Esther's hands reached back, finding his thighs and holding him firmly as she rocked against him. He heard her breath steadying, slowing a bit, and matching his. It was utterly relaxing.

After a few minutes, Esther sighed.

"Did it work?" he asked.

"A little," she said, and then amended. "No, not really. But it might, with more practice."

"That's OK," he said. "I don't mind if you practice, but I'm not disappointed. This feels wonderful anyway."

Something about this was upsetting her, though. He kneaded her shoulders and then pulled her up against him. She seemed to have forgotten the sprayer in her hand.

"Want me to use that?" he asked, putting his hand over hers.

She shook her head. "No, it's not really working. But this is nice. Your penis feels wonderful. Maybe we should go back to the bed. Unless you want to do it here?"

Javier heard the desperation in her voice. No, he could be the calm one for both of them.

"Why don't we stay like this. Let's just have a bath together, and not worry about anything else for a while."

Esther sighed and nodded, slipping lower in the tub. He stroked her hair, her shoulders and arms. Slowly his erection subsided, but truthfully he didn't mind. This was good, the two of them together. Esther's breath was quiet and even, and after a while he realized she'd fallen asleep. It was lovely. He'd lie here all night if that's what she needed.

Javier had half nodded off himself when Esther made an odd noise. She was dreaming, he supposed. Lately her dreams didn't seem very restful.

"Oh," Esther said distinctly, and Javier came fully awake. That was a sound of pleasure. Was she having a hot dream? He hoped it was a good one.

She made a few more noises, and then she was quiet. But her breathing was shallow and her body shaking slightly.

"No!" she yelped, and suddenly thrashed in the tub. Javier held her tight and whispered calming things until she was obviously awake.

"Oh, Javier," she said softly. "I'm sorry. I must have fallen asleep."

"It was nice," he said. "But I think you were having a nightmare. Well, it started out sounding like you were enjoying it."

Esther tensed. "Did I say anything?"

"You said 'No,' but that was it. Anything you remember?"

"No," Esther sighed. "Not really. I know I've been having nightmares, but they always slip away from me, the way my dreams generally do."

They lay there for a while, but it didn't seem quite as comfortable anymore.

"Let's go get into bed now," said Javier. He took a breath. "And then let's just talk."

"OK," said Esther, sounding resigned.

They dried off and got their robes back on. It was dark outside, and the camp was quiet to Javier's ears. Javier was chilly by the time they got to their cabin, and he procrastinated for a bit by fussing with the wood stove.

Esther was sitting up, still in her bathrobe, when he finished.

"Esther," he said softly.

"Me first," she blurted. "I'm so sorry, Javier. I know we need to talk about sex, and I always want to pretend things are going better than they are, because it hurts too much to face how unhappy it's making you. And then I feel so guilty with Nicola, because it feels like I'm cheating, even though that's not what I want out of it, and so I guess what I really need to say is, you shouldn't feel trapped with me. I mean, if there are other people, and I know you think about it, and that's all right, because it would make perfect sense—"

Javier sat down abruptly, putting his hand on her leg. He was having trouble sorting through what she was telling him. Nicola? He'd obviously missed something.

"Slow down, Esther. It wasn't just sex I wanted to talk about."

"But I have to talk about it, Javier. Just listen for a while. I've been so nervous with you, and I talked briefly to Nicola about it, but I told her not to say anything to you. And then I've been trying to understand her abilities, and she's been trying to help me relax, and I keep pretending it's nothing more than that, but it is, and I feel so guilty, because I should be able to be that comfortable with you. And I mean it, Javier. You should find someone you can have real sex with. We kind of talked about that with Kat last year, but I guess she's unavailable. And I really don't know if Nicola would—oh, I don't know. I just don't want you to be stuck with only me. It would make me happier, honestly. Less pressure."

Esther looked up at him unhappily, and Javier tried to sort through his feelings.

"Real sex," he finally said. "Do you still worry that what we do isn't real sex?"

Esther turned red. "No, that's not really what I meant—"

"But maybe you're worried I don't think it is," he said. He felt an immense weariness. He hadn't wanted to get sucked into talking about this. The truth was, he had fantasies, but didn't everyone? And now here Esther was, telling him he should go try to make those fantasies work on his own. He didn't like how much he liked the thought. And now he was distracted. What had he been saying?

He tried to gather his thoughts. "You shouldn't feel guilty about whatever it is you're doing with Nicola," he said. "Does it make you feel better?"

"Yes," she said reluctantly. "While we're doing it. But Javier, it doesn't feel right. If I have an orgasm, doesn't that make it sex anyway? Even if that's not really why I was doing it?"

Javier felt himself flushing. The truth was, he was feeling more than a little jealous. And Esther had obviously hidden this from him, which spoke for itself. But he didn't want to be that way. He needed for Esther to be relaxed and happy, and whatever they had right now wasn't doing that for her.

"Then you should keep doing it," he said. "And you shouldn't feel guilty about it, because if Nicola is helping you relax, that makes me really happy. If I seem jealous, it's only because I wish I could do that for you as well. You can think of it as sex if you want, or not. And I guess it sounds kind of hot, anyway."

Esther nodded and swallowed. She looked so vulnerable right now, he just wanted to take her in his arms and never let go. But this was their old pattern, wasn't it? He tried so hard to protect her, and then he wound up holding on to her too tight. She was feeling smothered again. She didn't need his protection for everything.