Unity and Destiny Pt. 06

Finally she woke long enough that she couldn't ignore the detail. And it was a strange one, something worth telling the others about. With a sigh she sat up, and of course they all halted their discussion to look at her.

"Diana is staying at that same motel," she said. "Not hiding herself at all. I think she has very few of her abilities back yet. She's all on her own, and I can't see why she'd be down here."

"The Oregon group didn't have any way of contacting us," said Javier slowly. "But Diana knew we found Samuel when he was at the motel the last time."

"You're right," said Nicola. "She's probably not trying to kidnap me again, so she must want to talk. Well, fuck her."

"Maybe their group is in bigger trouble than we thought," said Esther, trying to ignore Nicola. "It must have been chaos trying to get out of the ancient place."

"Then they can take care of whatever it is," said Javier. "It's too risky to go back that direction."

"What if she was involved with the attacks?" Kat said. "It might be dangerous to even talk with her, if anyone is watching."

"I'm pretty sure no one is paying her any attention," said Esther. "She will know things we don't. And she must be desperate if she's trying to get our attention. We have to talk to her."

"OK then," said Javier with a sigh. "How should we go about it?"

The others started arguing about whether they should contact Selena and Mark, and suddenly it was too much for Esther.

"That's it? I say we should do it, and everyone changes their mind?"

"Esther, wait—"

"I screwed it all up with Jackson, and you're all expecting me to make the next decision just because random chance gave me powerful abilities that I'm never going to master properly, and because Abuela grasped for me in her desperation, and even Benjamin's sister thought I was some kind of Messiah, as though that made any of it all right! I didn't deserve that. I don't deserve your trust, that's for sure."

Esther broke off, not sure what she was even talking about anymore. She was just so, so terribly tired. And she hated the way everyone was looking at her now.

"Do you think we follow you because you can start avalanches with your mind?" Nicola asked. She looked positively furious. "Is that really what you think?"

Esther shook her head and winced. "I have a headache. I'm going to lie down again. You should all decide what we're going to do."

Javier rushed over to comfort her, but Nicola wasn't done.

"No, Esther, you're not running away this time. You know what Selena told me, after you visited Benjamin? She told me you were angrier than she'd ever seen, so angry it frightened her. At the very end, that piece of shit had the nerve to ask you for a kind of absolution, a reassurance that you'd had a happy childhood. And of course you gave it to him, because even then, to that worthless waste of space, you couldn't find it in you to be cruel. Do you think any of us could have done that, Esther? That's why we pay attention to you. Don't insult Javier by suggesting your superpowers are why he'd follow you to the end of the world. Esther, you even make me want to be a better person."

All the guilt and pain she'd been successfully forgetting was rising up, a sour taste in her throat and a throbbing worse than any headache. Esther stood up awkwardly, and she ran for Jacob's bedroom, slamming the door after her.

Some time later she was aware of Javier there, sitting next to her and telling her he loved her, but she couldn't stand it. Finally he left her in peace, and she drifted in otherspace, blessedly free of her body, free of her thoughts, free of anything except the soothing knowledge that nothing in this alien place gave a damn about her.

"Esther," she vaguely heard at some point. "Esther, child, come back."

When she finally opened her eyes, she was exhausted. Thirsty. The shape sitting on the chair was Jacob.

"Oh, Jacob," she croaked. "What a mess I am. I'm sorry."

Jacob stirred. She realized he'd been mostly asleep himself. She'd been floating in otherspace for hours.

He sighed, then reached to get her a glass of water.

"Among my congregation, I like to think I'm known for being able to listen," he said. "It's part of the job description, to tell the truth. So why don't you tell me what you're able. Or we can pray, if you'd prefer to keep it with God. But I don't think you should be bottling it up inside yourself."

"I'm not one of your congregants," she mumbled, sipping the water. "You don't have to do that for me."

"Of course I do," he said, his voice gentle. "I would do it for everyone if I could. I think you understand that, don't you?"

"But I could do so much more," she said. "If I weren't so slow. If I weren't so tired all the time. Abuela could do so much more."

"And she hated herself for what she couldn't do. It nearly tore her apart sometimes. Esther, didn't you say weren't a Messiah?"

She frowned. Jacob was right. There was a kind of arrogance in her, wasn't there?

"My parents thought I was an angel," she said slowly. "When Javier looks at me it scares me sometimes to think what he sees. I can't do it, Jacob. I don't deserve any of it."

Jacob sighed. "God loves all of us without pausing to consider if we deserve it. In this, as so many things, we fall short. Esther, we don't get to choose our pasts. But eventually we have to make peace with them. Don't keep avoiding the pain."

When Esther finally started to talk, she couldn't get any of it out in the right order. Some of it she couldn't even tell him, and that made her feel even more guilty. But once she started, Jacob didn't interrupt her, except once to refill her water. At the end of it all, she waited for the relief. Mostly she just felt drained.

"I don't really feel any better," she finally said.

"Mmm," Jacob said. "Did you expect to?"

"I suppose I did," she said. "But now I can't stop thinking about those poor people Benjamin abused. About my sister, who had to die to make room for me."

"But you are thinking about it," Jacob said.

He was right, of course. She was thinking about it, and it hurt terribly.

"I need to help the dreaming people," she said slowly. "Marianne and all the others. I haven't even looked for them. I could at least tell them it will never happen again. I haven't even wanted to think about them, but that's selfish."

Jacob took her hand. "I hardly think you've been selfish. Look at what happened. You let a sliver more forgiveness for yourself into your heart, and suddenly you're bursting with love for everyone else. That's what Nicola was talking about, Esther."

Esther sighed and sat up, realizing at some point she'd partly undressed herself under the sheet. But it was dark. Someone had left her a change of clothes at the foot of the bed.

"Wait," she said. "Where is everyone?"

Belatedly she started piecing it together.

"I think something gave them the impression you were tired of making all the decisions," said Jacob. "I'm sure they'll be glad to hear you changed your mind."

"You're teasing me," Esther said. "Do you do this with your congregants, too?"

"Only the ones I like."

* * *

Fifteen minutes out of Reno, Nicola grunted and put her head on the dashboard.

"It's useless," she said. "I can't feel shit, not far enough to matter. We take her abilities way too much for granted. I'm terrified there's going to be a new roadblock or something."

"We've managed without her before," said Javier. "We need to do it more. Like the surveillance system, the radios, the cell phones. Find ways to keep her from doing all the work so quietly we stop noticing."

Nicola sighed. "I feel like such a shit. I thought I was doing the right thing, confronting Esther that way. I didn't think she'd react so terribly."

"I think it was the right thing," said Javier. "I was too chicken to do it."

"Not too chicken," Nicola said. "You just love her too much to say things that might hurt her. I never seem to have that problem."

Javier knew that tone well enough. Something else was bothering Nicola.

"Are you feeling pissy about Diana?"

Nicola snorted and sat up.

"That's one word for it. I've been trying to convince myself I can meet with her, but honestly? I'd lose my temper and possibly beat the shit out of her."

"She has it coming," agreed Javier. "But if Esther's right, and of course she is, then Selena and I could manage her on our own. And we could bring Mark."

"No, I think you were right. Fewer people makes us look more confident, that we know she's no threat. I think it'd better be just you two. I can be a safe distance away, dreaming about beating the shit out of her. Everyone wins."

Javier smiled, and Nicola sighed.

"We were a good team, you know," she said.

"Even if we never quite got married."

"Probably just as well," she agreed. "Makes the fantasies better, doesn't it?"

Javier coughed, and Nicola started to laugh.

A few minutes later the telephone rang, and Nicola started, fumbling for it in her bag.

"Hello?"

She made a face at Javier, but listened a bit.

"OK, Esther, got it. Thanks. I'm so glad you're feeling better. Oh, come on Esther, I was the rude one. You should go back to sleep. Really, it's under control."

After she hung up, Nicola started to laugh. "Apparently she's back to herself. Anyway, everything's clear. Selena and Mark are hiding just off the road near Tahoe City. No assault teams waiting to catch us. And Esther apologized to me. Can you believe that woman sometimes?"

They stopped at the location Selena had suggested on the phone, and in a minute the pair were skiing to the edge of the road. Mark was beaming, the way he usually was after being outdoors a while, though Selena looked a bit worse for the wear. Javier got out and helped them load their gear into the back of the minivan.

"Everything go all right?" he asked.

Selena nodded. "No problems, aside from following this maniac at night. And I guess we're really in the clear? Kat wouldn't explain on the phone how that happened."

On the way back Javier and Nicola filled the pair in. By the time they got back to Reno, Selena had already suggested a few alterations to the plan. They were a good team, all of them. Esther was right. They shouldn't put so much responsibility on her. Or rather, they should work harder to prevent her from doing that all on her own.

* * *

Esther seemed in much better shape when they returned. Javier went to hug her, but Nicola beat him.

When Javier got his turn, Esther didn't say anything, but just kissed him on the lips. For quite a while that seemed like the best way he could possibly be spending his time.

"So, did you hear the plan?" he finally asked Esther.

"It seems like a good one," she agreed. "I'm doing so much better now. Maybe I should come along and introduce myself."

Everyone looked at Javier, so he tried to explain.

"We still don't know her, or what she wants. With Unity in the picture I worry if we can ever trust the Chosen fully. I think leaving you as a mystery gives us more leverage."

Esther nodded. "All right. How about I come along, maybe with Mark and Nicola, and we stay a safe distance away, but close enough that we can intervene if we sense something unexpected. This is exactly how they got us last time, after all. Maybe there's another person with gifts like Diana, trying to hide."

Javier raised his eyebrows. It was a good point.

"Sounds perfect," Nicola said. "How about an early dinner, and then we go for it?"

* * *

Despite the chill, Javier's palms were sweating when he knocked on the motel room door. He was glad to have Selena along with him. The thought of seeing Diana gave him the creeps, even knowing her abilities were weak.

A few seconds later the door opened. Diana didn't seem surprised, but maybe she'd been able to sense them this close. Then again, she could have just looked out the peephole.

"Hello, José," she said wearily. Looking closer, Javier saw all the signs. She was exhausted, and probably battling the pain even now. He couldn't help but feel some sympathy.

"Diana, this is Selena."

The two women looked at each other a while. Eventually Diana gestured towards her room.

"We can talk here, or elsewhere if you prefer. I give you my word I am alone, and have no intention of doing anything to you against your will."

"You couldn't," Selena said, and Diana sighed, acknowledging the point.

They sat on the faded couch facing Diana, and she settled carefully in a chair.

"Selena," Diana said slowly. "The day I first saw you at the ancient place, I knew you were more Blessed than anyone I had ever met. Aside perhaps from the mystery person you accompanied. What they did to me, and to all of us—I did not even know such things were possible."

Selena looked annoyed. "That was the point, as I'm sure you realized. Why don't you go ahead and explain what you think we can help you with."

Diana frowned and rubbed her forehead. "I was leading to that. Whoever you are, you have chosen a very different path as Chosen. I don't imagine you understand entirely my position within our community."

"You're an outsider," Selena said. "So many Blessings that you exist at the edge of what's considered acceptable. In danger of being out of harmony with the Way, merely for the accident of your birth."

Diana nodded slowly, the pain more obvious than ever. "You understand more than I realized, then. I should not presume you to be so ignorant of the Way. And I suppose you have guessed what happened on the night we foresaw. The manner in which our clouded vision failed us."

"It must have been dreadful," Javier said. "I hope everyone made it safely out of the ancient place, to the farm. We weren't positive."

Diana gave him a curious look. "Did you know, then, what was to come? Is that why you were so insistent upon leaving?"

"Of course not," Javier said. "We would have tried to warn you. We left because we didn't want to be coerced into joining you."

"Perhaps we should have warned you nonetheless," said Selena. "We had thought it foolish to live in an ancient place."

Diana nodded. "You were not alone in that sentiment, and indeed our arrogance has been punished severely. But you were kind to ask about the evacuation. I sought you out because we did not in fact arrive safely, not all of us. I was left unconscious, but lucky enough to have been outside the ancient place. My son Samuel was able to find me and—"

"Just a moment," Selena said. "What were you doing outside? Were you involved in the sabotage? The murders?"

Diana closed her eyes. "I was following the Way as best I could."

"That's not an answer," Javier said. "Tell us if you, or others of your group, were involved in hurting others. We won't help you without knowing that."

Diana sighed and nodded slowly. "Understand that my actions are my own. They do not reflect on the others in my group, and especially not on the children who need your help."

Javier flinched, and Diana saw it. Of course she'd gambled right. Esther was unlikely to turn down any request for help, but none of them would feel good about leaving children in trouble.

Selena shook her head. "Your actions are not entirely your own, and you know it. However, of course I agree about the children. Answer José's question truthfully and we will honestly consider what we can do."

Diana swallowed. "I am on the edge of our community, as you assumed. My skills make me useful in the outside world, and I have lived there more than within our community. I'm not welcome to join Unity regularly, and when I do, no one is more worried than I am that my presence will distort our vision. And yet they need my sight, as I need Unity. I see what others do not, and I argue with the elders about what actions we should take in the outside world. Ultimately, I am nearly always the one to carry out these actions. And in this case, I did hurt others directly. Five people, workers at the natural gas generating station I sabotaged. I hurt them only as much as I needed to accomplish my goal. All should have recovered soon enough."

"And that's where Samuel found you?" Javier asked.

"Yes," she said. "I briefly shut down the plant, but I intended to do more serious damage than I did. Samuel found me where I had fallen. And now I understand how fortunate I was to have failed. I suspect what I had in mind would have killed me and many workers as well. That outcome was not something I foresaw in Unity. The vision of holocaust that stopped me was cruel, but it moved me closer to harmony with the Way, and so I'm grateful."

"Have you ever killed someone, attempting to follow the Way?" Selena asked.

Diana was silent a long time.

"Once," she said. "Never intentionally. I was arrogant, and rightfully taught a lesson. I have been so much more cautious since then. More cautious than some would prefer. My vision runs further than most, but it is ultimately no clearer."

"It's too bad that lesson required someone else's death," Javier said.

Diana glared at him. "You may judge me all you like, and no doubt I deserve it. But I have come to you nonetheless, and you told me you would listen fairly to my request."

Javier glanced at Selena, and they nodded. Diana moved quickly ahead with her story.

"I am told those with more Blessings were utterly disabled from the first instant. The other elders delayed, hoping it would pass, but it soon became clear they needed to evacuate. But most of those who regularly range outside were heavily afflicted. We had enough vehicles, barely. It left a heavy burden on the few competent drivers remaining. Aaron is a kind man, and the children love him. But he had only driven around our grounds. His car became separated from the group, and we have heard nothing from him since. He has no driver's license, and very little experience with the outside world. He was driving three children, none older than eleven. And with him was Peter, our oldest member and one with many Blessings. I am told Peter was the most heavily affected of those inside, and given his age his health may be in danger, wherever he is now."

Peter must have been the singer, Javier thought. The one Nicola had said was starting to go senile. "You have no guesses where they might be?" he asked.

"None," Diana said with frustration. "If only I had my senses, perhaps—but even then, I would not find them quickly. I assume Aaron made a wrong turn, but I worry what might have happened if he encountered police. He wouldn't even know how to fill the car, if he ran out of gas. We are so careful to avoid situations like this. We have a few resources, but nothing that can help yet. A lawyer I've not yet been able to contact. I even stopped by the police station in Medford, but they had their hands full with other issues and no information."

"Are you the only one searching for them?" Javier asked.

"Nearly," she said with a sigh. "Samuel is looking as well, along with one of the parents. It is chaos at our new site, with too much work and too few hands. And the others do not realize how incapacitated I am, and thus expect too much. I should have been honest, but my position has become suddenly much more precarious. Our group is on the verge of fracturing, and there are those who find great meaning in my punishment, and Peter's. Fools. They should be thinking of the children. But they don't understand the outside world the way I do."

Selena nodded. "Why do you think we would be able to help you?"

Diana frowned. "Let's not mince words. It is rude to speak this way, but Blessings can make a person powerful. The abilities Nicola, Mark, and your owl-headed companion showed are each beyond any that I have seen. Perhaps you still had difficulty taking Nicola and José away, but the only reason was that you chose a method that harmed as few as possible. Your owl-headed cipher has vision far beyond my own. And you, Selena, have not shown your abilities, but I have no doubt they are considerable. Still, you're sitting here in apparent comfort, showing me that you understand something I don't about the vision of holocaust. So: power, knowledge, and a certain wisdom. You could help us, I have no doubt. And I will offer whatever I can in return, when I'm able."