Unity and Destiny Pt. 06

"I don't really know what we're doing," she said. "As two couples. Even what we've done, I've never done anything like it. Kat hasn't really either, aside from watching you and Esther a few times in the past. But she's being Kat and pretending it's all perfectly simple."

Javier nodded. "And then you woke up curled against me and tried not to freak out."

Grace laughed nervously. "I wouldn't go that far, Javier. But I suppose it's a symbol. You and Kat had something complicated, and it's not totally in the past for her. I've only been attracted to men a few times, and never interested in doing something about it. But Kat keeps pushing me out of my comfort zone, and I love her for it. It's just there are things lurking inside me that I don't know what to do with."

"Maybe you don't have to do anything with them," Javier said. "I sometimes have fantasies I would never even tell Esther, and I tell her just about everything."

Grace smiled. "Yes, I guess you do. Well, you can tell her about this conversation. Tell her I'm nervous because it seems like there's something more complicated going on with Nicola. And tell Esther I'm sorry I keep acting weird around her, just because I can't admit I find her hot. It's just I don't know what to do with that. And even that's simple compared with whatever thoughts I might have about her partner."

"I don't know what to do with it either," said Javier. "But I guess I'm a little disappointed about the stove, too."

"Yeah," Grace said. "Add me to the list. Now let's go get groceries."

* * *

It hadn't really occurred to Esther what a production moving those stoves would be. Getting out the old one, and then bringing in the new. Nicola had worked it all out so they didn't have to rely on brute strength, but none of the steps was as easy as they'd hoped. The day had warmed enough to turn the upper inch or two of ground into mud. The PVC tubes she'd set up as rollers kept getting mired, and then they nearly had a disaster getting the new stove up the stairs, saved only by Mark's immense strength. Esther couldn't really help with any of it, so she set to making dinner on their tiny camp stove. Nicola promised they'd have the big old gas stove hooked up safely soon enough, but of course everything was taking time.

The food was finished and cooling when she finally heard Nicola lose her temper. Something about the wrong length for one of the chimney segments.

"Nicola," Javier said placatingly.

"No," she said, struggling with her temper. "I'm sorry, guys. It's entirely my fault. I put down the wrong thing on my list. I'm just pissed off at myself."

"Let's have dinner, then," said Javier. "We can't get it connected tonight anyway. But we did all the hard work."

And it had been hard work. She could see how exhausted Javier was, and she felt a pang. This was exactly what she hadn't wanted to happen today. Now they were both tired, and everyone was upset, and she wasn't feeling much in the mood anymore. She could tell Javier was feeling something similar.

"I need a shower," he said after dinner. "Not that I'm looking forward to the cold water. But I'm covered in mud and feel like crap."

"Want company?" she asked, taking his hand.

"No," he said. "Just warm up the bed for me."

As she snuggled under the covers, she tried to get herself in the mood. What had she been fantasizing about that morning? Grace and Javier, together. It was a truly nasty little fantasy, one she knew Javier thought about sometimes. Her mind wandered to Grace unbidden, and there she was: sitting in the outhouse, masturbating furiously with two fingers, hand clamped over her mouth. As though that would hide her noise from Nicola and Mark, not to mention Esther. Esther tried to look away, but she'd been so desperate for something arousing, and she'd found it. She imagined Javier finding Grace in there, standing in front of her, pulling out his penis and slipping it between her lips. Grace was close to an orgasm, and she seemed to be trying to get there as fast as possible. And the thought finally made Esther guilty enough to turn her gaze away. Grace had suggested that she and Kat didn't mind her spying on the couple. She certainly hadn't given Esther blanket permission to watch every private moment.

A minute later, Javier came in, wrapped in his towel.

"Oh my God," he said, whipping it off and finishing drying. "I'm going to beg Nicola to put the water heater at the top of the list."

"It's warm in here," said Esther. "I don't mind if you're damp. We're going to get that way, anyway."

"Ah," Javier said, dropping the towel and smiling. "Is that how it is, then?"

He was freezing, but it was nice. She was well fed, and had plenty of energy to spare.

"You're like a furnace," he muttered, squeezing against her. "A beautiful, brilliant, womanly furnace. Let's see if I have some coal for you."

Esther giggled. His penis was soft, but as she wriggled against him, he started to respond. It always gave her such a warm feeling, to know that she was doing that for him. She curled her hand around his shaft, reveling in the groan he gave. Such a big physical change, going from soft to fully erect. Though not so much as Big Penis.

She swallowed, but tried not to ignore it this time. Let it go away on its own, Jacob had suggested. But she hadn't told him the terrible sexual thrill that still clung to those disjointed memories. She certainly hadn't told him her disgusting sexual nicknames for all the people in the canyon. She hadn't even told Javier about that. What would Javier even think, if she told him she could almost feel what it was like for one of the women to ride on top of Big Penis? She felt something a bit like that occasionally, when Javier pressed his penis deep inside her anus. She'd even borrowed Kat's biggest toy once, just to try. Kat had given her a knowing look that left her incredibly embarrassed. But it was difficult even to get the toy inside her, and she found she much preferred doing it with Javier, at least when the whole awkward process worked for her. It turned out the sheer size wasn't what she was missing.

She just wanted to wake up for a day as an ordinary woman. Not someone who needed all this special treatment. She wanted to jump on top of Javier, and feel him enter her vagina like an ordinary woman. Her pussy. That's what he said sometimes, when he was trying to make her feel good. Same as any other woman.

Except not at all, because she also wanted to share senses with Nicola, something no ordinary woman could do. Something she couldn't do with Javier either. She was way too greedy, wasn't she?

"Esther," Javier murmured softly.

She realized she'd stopped moving, and he was stroking her chest gently. Losing his erection, the way he usually did when he started worrying about her.

"It's the same kinds of worries as usual," she said, sighing. She owed him as much honesty as she could manage. More than that, truthfully. "Maybe it'll go away in a while. Maybe not. I'm so sorry, sweetie."

"OK," he said, pulling her close. "This is really nice anyway."

"But not what we were thinking this morning," she said.

"No," he agreed sadly. "But like you said. Maybe later. Maybe tomorrow. We could talk, if it would help."

"It would be the same things," she said. "The same as usual. We'll go in circles."

He kissed her, then worked down to suckle on her nipples. She often liked this, even if nothing else interested her. Tonight wasn't one of those times. She pushed his lips away.

"Maybe you should invite Grace and Kat in," she said with resignation. "They're not having a great time either."

Javier didn't say anything for a minute, and Esther realized she'd overshared.

"I didn't mean to say that," she said. "When I'm upset, sometimes I mix up what I'm trying to ignore, or what I'm noticing but trying to avoid saying—"

"I know, love. I just felt bad for them. And it's tough to be reminded what a burden it is for you, just to make it through your ordinary day. I love you so much, Esther."

"And I love you too."

* * *

Javier got in his pajamas and then wandered out towards the living room, just in time to see the outside door close.

"Hello?" he said quietly, glancing towards the bed.

"Javier," said Grace shakily. "Uh, it's not a great time."

"OK," he said. "I just came out to say you guys are welcome with us again, if that's something that sounds good."

"Honestly?" Grace said bitterly. "It sounds a lot better than spending the night with Kat."

There was a long silence, and then Grace hiccuped. Javier walked closer.

"Please forget I said that," she said. "I'm not myself. We had a fight, and I'm upset. And I'm not dressed. But sit down if you want."

Javier nodded, coming over to sit on the corner of the bed.

"You can tell me about it if you want," he said. "Or not. The offer's still open. Or I could sleep out here and you two stay with Esther."

"I don't think that'd help much," she said. "And if I tell you about it, everyone else will hear as well."

"They already did," he said. "If they were listening. I'm the only one without a clue, if that makes you feel any better."

Grace hiccuped again. "I never get it, do I? Things really aren't the same for Esther, or Nicola, or Mark."

"Some things," he agreed. "But mostly we're all just scared, lonely people, trying not to fuck things up too badly with the ones we love."

Grace sighed in agreement. After a while she spoke again.

"We were fighting about sex, mostly. Not sure I really feel comfortable talking about that."

"OK," he said. "Same with me and Esther. Except it's not really a fight anymore, if it ever was. Just both of us feeling inadequate for the other."

Grace digested that for a while.

"I would never have known," she said. "You two are the perfect couple."

"And that's how you look to us. Is Kat OK? Did she just go to the outhouse?"

"I think she's sitting in the truck," said Grace. "Probably warmer there, honestly. And she can dream about driving away from it all. Off to some girlfriend who isn't hung up about sex."

"That's not really what you think she's thinking," said Javier.

"No," Grace agreed. "But I'd rather imagine that than think she's as upset as me." She sat up, the covers falling to her waist. In the dim light, Javier could make out more than a hint of her figure. He swallowed.

"Speaking as a man," she said, "or, fuck, just as you, Javier. What would you do if you suddenly were curious about what it would be like to be with a man? I mean, assuming you haven't already thought a lot about it."

He tried to imagine it. With a random man, or someone he knew. He always thought he was pretty open-minded, and it wasn't as though the notion was completely repulsive. But it truly didn't do anything for him. Mostly it just left a strongly uncomfortable sensation.

"I have no idea," he said. "I'm trying to imagine it and it's not working. I think I'm not built that way."

"Yeah," she said. "Hard to wrap your brain around, isn't it? Kat did that years ago, for both genders, and probably she never even had to think about it, because it's just who she is. She's being so bullheaded about this, refusing to see how uncomfortable it is for me to even talk about. And I said something I shouldn't have, about the two of you. I'm already wishing I could take it back."

"And she's wishing she hadn't run out," said Javier.

Grace rubbed her eyes. "Well, it doesn't take a genius. Just pretending I'm brave, like you said I was."

She got out of bed, rummaging in her bag for clothes. Javier didn't see much, but he still felt guilty for trying to look.

When she was dressed, she gathered the quilt in her arms and headed to the door.

"Good night, Javier," she said. "Thanks so much for listening. Tell Esther to give you a hug from me."

Javier was freezing and feeling pretty drained by the time he slipped back into bed with Esther. She was warmer than ever, and she gave him a big hug.

"Did you hear all of that?" he asked.

"No," she said. "I managed to tune most of it out. But I know you did something really kind for Grace and Kat. And right now I love you too much to care about what had me upset before. Why don't you try kissing me between the legs and we'll see if I can keep not caring."

As far as he could tell, she succeeded at that, right through her first orgasm. And after he finally came on her stomach, dick trapped between her soft fur and her hand, he wondered if the two in the truck were making love as well. He hoped so. And he selfishly hoped it would work out in a way that let them all share a bed again.

* * *

The next morning, Grace and Kat packed their things and said their goodbyes. Nicola was uncharacteristically kind to both of them, and obviously feeling guilty.

"I need to get connected again," said Kat. Her eyes were red from sleep loss and crying. "The Bay might be a total mess, but I just can't live this way. And Grace and I need time on our own. It's no one's fault. We're going to miss all of you."

"Say hi to Geoff," Nicola said. "And ask him nicely for one of those false IDs. I'll go grab my old driver's license for him to work from."

"I'll do that," said Kat. "And I'll fill him in all the stuff we agreed to. Probably I'll be spending a lot of time with him, since he managed to get that cluster up and connected to the internet despite the mess down there. You guys really need to wire up a phone, or internet, or something. I don't like you being out of touch."

"I can still send Morse code to Selena in an emergency," said Esther. But everyone knew it was inadequate.

Javier volunteered to ferry them down to the lower parking area for their new cars.

"I'm so sorry, Javier," Kat said as they approached the spot. "I'm so sorry to both of you. You're a wonderful friend and there's nothing more important than that."

They got out, and both women hugged him.

"Maybe we'll be able to share that bed sometime," Grace said. "Or maybe not. But we'll be thinking of you and Esther. Bye, Javier."

Javier drove after them a while, until their roads diverged. He had Nicola's shopping list with him, but mostly he wanted to go back up and stay in bed with Esther all day. He missed the pair much more than he'd expected. He supposed reality didn't very often live up to fantasy. And fantasy was where all those thoughts would have to stay.

* * *

To Esther's delight, a week later Raj came to visit, for a few days anyway.

"My sister Preeti is fine," he said. "And she heard from my parents. Everyone is all right, in my family at least. But it's not looking to good out there in the world. The nuclear disarmament talks are so welcome, but it's going to take years, and in the meantime there have been some more bombings and assassinations. Congress is talking about suspending rules against detention without charges, and they already passed that giant set of rules to make spying on Americans easier. I've been spending too much time following all that. It's probably good for me to be off the grid, doing math. Stanford finally canceled the semester officially, so I guess I'll have all sorts of research time."

"I'm selfishly glad," Esther said. "And I've been learning some things. I have notes I want you to look over, to see if you can make any sense. I apologize for their incoherence. Maybe I could do better, but most of my time in otherspace is honing the abilities I understand. The mathematical insights are kind of secondary for the moment."

Raj smiled. "I'll go dig through the detritus. Knowing you, there will still be a half dozen ideas that make my mind explode."

Nicola had begun to devote much more time for her meditations, and she was improving, no matter what she believed. Her confidence was not helped by Selena's revelations, when she arrived the day after Raj.

"I think I'm retired for good," Selena said. "Putting my house up for sale. And would you believe, I'm feeling grateful to the one who sent the vision. When it disappeared at last, I found I'd become much better at handling the noise. It's still there, but I can make sense of things, Esther. I can pick out so many individual details if I concentrate enough. I'm much more sensitive than I'd realized."

Nicola had tried to congratulate her, but of course Selena must have understood something was wrong. Later that afternoon, Selena approached Esther.

"Nicola's having difficulty with her abilities again?" she asked.

"Yes," Esther said. "And at least some of it still relates to what happened up in Oregon." But there wasn't much Esther could think of to do. Nicola claimed she was all right, but she'd started waking up again with nightmares.

There was something else Esther needed to bring up now. "Selena," she said, "Why did you bring a gun with you? You know how I feel about them."

"Of course I do," said Selena. "And I also know there's a killer on the prowl with unknown abilities. I will only carry it when I think there's reason. And I will never use it unless there's absolutely no alternative. Can you trust my judgment on that?"

Esther sighed and nodded. It would be up to all of them to make sure it never came to that.

To everyone's amusement, Selena insisted on sleeping up in the second floor of the Shack. She had to get there via a ladder to a window.

"What if we need the ladder?" Javier asked.

"Then take it," she said. "I can jump down from there safely enough." He'd shaken his head, laughing.

"We'll have to get another ladder," said Nicola. But even she smiled.

* * *

A few days later Esther finally gave in to Mark's not-so-subtle prodding, and followed him out of camp for the morning. He was merciless as ever, moving at a fast walk that Esther had to run to match. When he stopped at a stream, she flopped down on a rock, feeling faintly sick.

"You are doing very well," Mark said, relaxing as he ate a sandwich. "Javier said you'd been keeping in shape through the fall, and he was right. I believe you could still do much more with your body than you've managed."

Esther groaned. Maybe Mark was right. She certainly needed to keep herself active. Lying down for long hours was doing her body no favors. She was even losing her appetite for sex, something that happened too often when her body slouched into inactivity.

She got out her own lunch, and for a while they sat together in silence. Esther had the strong impression Mark was trying to sort out something to tell her. Eventually, he got it out.

"Esther, I'm worried about Nicola. She didn't tell me the last few months how difficult it was for her to practice her resistance exercises. She told me she was over it, but I know she's still hurt by what happened in the ancient place. I feel as though she's—withdrawing from me, I guess. I'm not sure if that makes sense."

"It does," Esther said. "I think you're right. She's still terrified of Unity. But I'm nearly sure I would sense any lingering connection, and I've watched her for it. Even once while you had sex, because she asked. I hope that wasn't overstepping a boundary."

"No," Mark said, though he looked uncomfortable. "Perhaps that explains it. We still have sex, but it's as if her mind isn't entirely in it. And she doesn't want to try to share senses with me anymore. I liked practicing that. Even though it was never like when you did it with me."

Having admitted that, he lapsed into a much more uncomfortable silence.

Esther tried to think what she should tell him. Nicola should have been the one to talk to him, a long time ago. Then again, even now Esther didn't tell Javier everything she should either.

As it happened, Mark surprised her.

"I think she needs to share senses with you again," he said. "I think she worries that doing that is like Unity, even though you say it really isn't. And maybe you two need to have sex again. I think she's thinking about that a lot and too afraid to tell me. She loves you, and thinks I will be jealous. But it's more important that she be happy."