University Challenge 03

I slammed my hand down on the loudly buzzing alarm clock beside my bed, choking off its insistent drone. Glowing angry-red numbers showed the unearthly hour – six o'clock – but I didn't care.

At long last it was Friday. THE Friday! HE was coming home today. I lay on my back, staring at the ceiling in the darkness.

My brother Mike was coming home for Christmas. My Mike! My big, beautiful, drop-dead gorgeous brother and, after that truly life-changing night in his University bedroom, the second lover in my young life.

My tummy filled with butterflies as my slowly waking brain ran through every scenario it could imagine.

What if he ignored me as if it hadn't happened...?

What if he hated me now, or thought what we had done was disgusting and wouldn't speak to me...?

What if he had a new girlfriend and didn't want or need me any more...?

But what if he still loved me and still wanted me THAT way...?

Oh please God let it be that...

They were ridiculous questions and deep down I knew this. After all, we had spoken briefly on the phone twice since my visit - always from a phone box so our parents couldn't overhear - and I had his wonderful letter hidden underneath my clean knickers in the bottom drawer of my dresser. I must have read it a hundred times already and knew it by heart but when you're in love, you never quite feel secure.

Not writing back, not telling him how I truly felt had been one of the hardest things I had ever had to do, but I knew if I told Mike how madly in love and in lust with him I was, I would never know how he really felt about me. And I had to know for certain!

For the first time, I was learning what it felt like to be newly in love and, contrary all I had read in my foolish holiday romances, it wasn't a very happy condition at all – especially when the object of your uncontrollable affection is not by your side. It was so easy to get things out of perspective and so hard to get him out of my mind. On the few occasions I did manage to concentrate on other things I felt guilty and insecure afterwards.

I suppose all girls in the throes of their first love go through similar pains, but for me it was doubly hard not being able to talk to anyone about the way I felt. Most girls confide in their best friend or even their mother but with Mike and my relationship so obviously forbidden even these outlets weren't available to me and with him still away at Uni with no phone, I often felt terribly alone.

And on top of the whole emotional girlfriend / boyfriend turmoil there was the increasingly undeniable fact that in his bed I had tasted real, highly pleasurable, passionate, orgasm-inducing sex for the first time, only to have it taken away again almost immediately. I had been surprised just how badly I wanted to re-live that incredible experience and how often I imagined myself climaxing at his hands again.

Over the previous three weeks, in an attempt to feel closer to Mike, I had found spurious reasons to go into his room, and sometimes would lie silently on his bed, imagining what it would be like to be lying there alongside him – or on other, more heated occasions, even beneath him! I wondered whether he was thinking about me the same way and looked about his room in vain for any sign that he might feel about me the way felt about him.

Sometimes I would touch myself as I lay there, remembering how it had felt to have his fingers where mine now worked, but it was no substitute for the real thing. And how many times had my dreams been filled with images of that amazing night, remembering how it felt to have his strong, handsome body above mine, feeling his lips on mine, feeling his hands on my boobs, feeling his incredible erection within my body once again...

On one occasion, I did find a small stash of porn magazines hidden under his mattress. Although I was initially shocked, after a few minutes flicking through them I was pleased to see that his taste ran to tall, skinny girls with small boobs. That at least I could provide!

And it had been so hard to concentrate at school, too. My best friend Linda had three times caught me unconsciously doodling the letters M and N in love hearts on my writing pad during lessons, but I had kept my secret despite her teasing me and trying desperately to guess which of our classmates I was besotted with.

If only she knew!

Whatever he felt about me, I would learn it today. I felt very insecure and nervous, desperately needing to be in his arms again, knowing how utterly devastated I would be if he rejected me after all we had so recently done together, and all I wanted to be to him in the future.

My school classes were due to end at lunchtime so I calculated I should be home about an hour before Mike's train was due to arrive. That should give me just enough time to make myself look my best for him, but just in case school overran, I needed to make a few preparations now.

With a final act of determination, I threw back the pink, flowery duvet and swung my legs over the side of the bed, my short cotton nightie riding up almost to my waist as I swivelled round on my bare bottom. Opening the third drawer of my dresser, I rummaged beneath the clean knickers where Mike's letter was concealed and drew out a long, slim packet of pills. With my eyes on the bedroom door, I popped one into my mouth and quickly swallowed it with a sip of the slightly stale water in the glass alongside me. I hid the pills away again, remembering guiltily my secret appointment with our Doctor, his assurance that my parents would never be told why I had been to see him and the prescription I clutched in my hand as I left.

That small but important job out of the way, I rose to my feet, my legs stiff from the previous day's exercise and stood in front of the full length mirror fastened to my wardrobe door. Turning first left then right, I smoothed down my nightie and looked at the legs revealed below. They looked long – ridiculously long and skinny too – but were still slim and soft; in need of a shave but that would be dealt with shortly. I ran my fingers over my skin as I hoped he would soon run his.

Would he still want to touch me? Slowly and properly this time in the daylight instead of the late night, unplanned, inexperienced lovemaking which was all we had managed before?

Would his broad hands cup my buttocks again, drawing my body into his?

Would his fingers squeeze my tiny boobs again, the way I loved so much?

I looked again at the clock. To my horror a full ten minutes had passed in this reverie. Pulling myself together I skipped across the landing to the bathroom and turned on the taps.

***

Half an hour later I was sitting at the kitchen table, dressed in my school uniform, pretending to eat breakfast, the plague of butterflies in my tummy replacing my normally healthy appetite. Fortunately Mum was so excited at the prospect of her son's return that she didn't notice any difference in me. As I sipped my orange juice I tried half heartedly to listen to her excited babble.

"...So I'll leave work on the dot of five to be here when he walks through the door... We've hardly heard from him the last few weeks..."

I knew the truth of that only too well. The two phone calls we had made and the single letter I had received had been totally inadequate for a love affair - but in truth were more than we had agreed.

In fact I had written to Mike at least two dozen times on pink paper with coloured pens and more love hearts than the human mind could comfortably cope with – but they were all still unposted under my mattress.

The result was that I still didn't really understand how my brother truly felt about... me... about us!

"If you see him first tell him there's juice in the fridge and plenty to make a sandwich..."

I fidgeted as Mum prattled on until it was time to catch the bus to school. I had nicked myself with the razor at least twice as I had shaved my legs in the warm bath and the moisturiser I had used was making my skin sting in a couple of places but I didn't care as long as I looked my very best for... HIM!

***

I was used to school days passing slowly but I had never known a day drag like that Friday morning. Even the bus journey seemed twice as long as usual and as for my lessons – well I was reprimanded by my teachers three times for not paying attention.

It didn't help that my thick tights were irritating the razor nicks in my legs, constantly reminding me why I had shaved them in the first place and what might – if my dreams came true – actually happen that afternoon.

I skipped lunch completely, much to my best friend's annoyance – she had wanted to talk about her new crush and pump me for more details of the 'M' I had doodled again that very morning but I insisted and left her sulking in the corridor as I ran to the bus stop.

The journey home seemed even more interminable with many stops for traffic but eventually I reached our house and walked up the driveway feeling eager and excited. There was still over an hour to go before Mike's train was due to arrive and perhaps another half hour before the bus would bring him home. I swung my school bag off my shoulder and slid my key into the front door lock. I turned it and as usual the well-used door swung inwards silently.

I stepped inside and almost immediately tripped over a large dark blue duffle bag that lay in the middle of the floor.

To my astonishment, I realised it was Mike's bag! Mike had come home early! A mixture of excitement and fear mixed with annoyance and anxiety washed over me, my heart thumping in my chest as my brain tried to recalibrate.

What about my plans? My new tight jeans? My new low cut top? The new underwear still hidden up in my room that I had bought in the hope he would soon see it and... maybe... remove it?

Shit! This wasn't supposed to happen! Why on earth was he here now?

I stood still and listened. There was the sound of the back toilet flushing followed by a low sound of movement in the kitchen. He couldn't have heard me come in! There was the sound of the fridge door being opened followed by the hiss of a can of drink being popped and a chair being pulled back.

Phew! He wasn't about to come through just yet. What could I do quickly to make myself look more like I wanted him to see?

What did I look like now?

I checked myself quickly in the long mirror just inside the front door. My heart sank. I looked like what I was - a slightly prim schoolgirl, complete with grey blazer with badge on pocket, white shirt, striped tie, grey pleated skirt – at least that was short – thick black tights, flat black shoes, no make-up, hair pulled back in a short pony tail.

I cursed the fact that, as a school prefect, I had to stick closely to the rules and couldn't even push the uniform barriers as far as wearing eye-liner or ear-rings.

It couldn't have been much worse! How could Mike ever want someone who looked as simple and unsophisticated and immature as I did? Remembering how he had felt about me 'dressed up' when I had visited him at University, I had so wanted to look my best and sexiest when he arrived...

And now it was all going wrong and he wouldn't want me anymore! I felt tears beginning to well in my eyes as I panicked.

Could I rush silently upstairs and get changed before he knew I was home? Was there time? No, of course there wasn't and he'd hear me anyway.

I heard the sound of a chair scraping on the tiles and realised Mike was getting up. He was probably about to come into the hall now for his bag.

Quick! What could I do?

In panic I pulled the bobble out of my hair and tried to smooth it down over my shoulders with my hands but of course there was a kink half way down and it wouldn't lie properly. I pulled my tie off and slipped it into my pocket, hurriedly unfastening the top three buttons of my shirt in the hope that a little of my bra would be visible in the gap. It was visible – just, but I looked like I'd dressed clumsily rather than giving him the sexy glimpse of my almost non-existent cleavage I had hoped for!

The footsteps stopped and I heard the opening of the biscuit tin and the sounds of rummaging. Could I do one last thing? Was there time?

I took the chance and, slipping off my flat shoes I raised my skirt high over my tummy and desperately pulled my ugly black tights over my knickers, down my legs and off. God alone knew how many ladders I had put into them but I screwed them into a ball and stuffed them into my other blazer pocket before slipping my shoes back onto my feet.

I was frantically smoothing my skirt back over my thighs when I heard the footsteps on the tiles begin again and the half opened kitchen door swung fully open. I turned and as fast as I could, opened the front door an inch or two before slamming it noisily closed just as Mike appeared in the kitchen doorway.

"What the?" He exclaimed, surprised.

The noise had wrong-footed him for a second, just long enough for me to try and pose a little more sexily than my clothes deserved.

"Oh it's you! Um... Hi! Surprise!" Mike stammered, seeing me just inside the door.

He sounded awkward, embarrassed and for a few moments we seemed to stare at each other as if neither of us knew what we could or should do next.

How often as a child had I looked forward to something so much and built up my expectations so high that when the reality arrived it could only be a disappointment? In the instant before Mike entered the hallway this destructive thought had flashed through my mind but the moment I set eyes on his tall, athletic body, his trained T-shirt covered chest and arms and the small firm buttocks in his new jeans, the worry disappeared.

He was every bit as drop-dead gorgeous as I remembered – possibly more so because as we looked straight at each other, his deep brown eyes were even bigger and darker than I had pictured in my fantasies, and when his face lit up like a puppy's on seeing me I felt a warm, tingling feeling in my tummy.

For the past three weeks I had imagined what it would be like when we actually met. I had worked it all out in my mind - what to wear, how to look, and above all, what to say to the boy I now realised I was in love with. But life doesn't always run to plan and when I saw him standing across the hallway my mind went blank, my knees went weak, my chest went tight making my voice, when it finally appeared, sound hard and unfriendly.

"What are you doing home now?" I asked and immediately regretted it.

In my nervousness, the words had come out hard and his expression quickly changed to one of disappointment. He stood still on the other side of the hall instead of taking me in his arms as I so wanted him to.

"I... um... I caught an earlier train..." he stammered. "I... I thought you'd be pleased."

Oh no! I thought. I've upset him. I've ruined everything! Stupid, stupid girl!

"I AM pleased..." I hastily replied. "Really, really pleased! It's just that I wasn't expecting you and..."

My words became a babble. Mike gave me the puppy dog look again and my heart ached and tummy churned more than ever but my mouth drivelled on.

"... And I didn't want you to see me like... like this..." tears were beginning to form in my eyes. "I wanted to look... right for you and..."

The merest hint of tears did the trick. My gallant brother finally crossed the hallway and took me, his little sister in his strong arms, wrapping them around me and hugging so tightly me to his chest that I could hardly breathe. At least it stopped my talking.

"Nic..." His voice was reassuring now. "It's ok, Nic." He buried his nose in my hair. "I've missed you SO much!"

"I've missed you too..." I replied, talking to his armpit. "I'm more pleased to see you than I can say..."

I felt him hug me even more tightly then drop his arms to my lower back, pulling my waist into his and blessedly giving me room to breathe.

"It's just that I wanted to look right for you, not just a silly schoolgirl. I've bought a new top and new jeans and new lingerie and I wanted..."

"Shhh!" He hissed, stroking my buttocks as he squeezed me, pressing the swelling in his trousers hard into my tummy. "It's ok – no, it's great. Great to see you... and you look... really lovely!"

I didn't believe him for a minute but it was exactly the right thing for him to say.

"I was so worried when you didn't write..." He went on. "I thought you might have had regrets... changed your mind... or worst of all, started to hare me!"

"But we said we wouldn't write..." I began to protest but he cut me off.

"You said YOU wouldn't, remember?" He chided me, smiling. "I hoped when I wrote to you that you would... Well, never mind." There was relief in his voice. "Do these tears mean there really are no regrets? We're still friends? Even after... well, after all... that happened?"

In response, I raised my face to his and after three interminably long weeks, joyfully kissed the boy I had fallen in love with. It was clumsy at first, our noses colliding awkwardly but after a few giggles we seemed to simply melt into each other, mouths opening, tongues dancing over each other and along our lips and teeth with a playfulness that seemed to heighten the passion of the moment.

After a long time we had to break for air.

"I'll take that as a 'Yes' then!" Mike grinned. I kissed the end of his nose then paused as a strange look came over his face. It was a look I was to become very used to seeing but it took me a few moments to understand it this time.

"I've thought about you every day – every hour of every day..." I told him truthfully. "I've written a dozen letters but couldn't let myself post them."

He smiled and squeezed my buttocks playfully.

"You put me right off my work, you know." He chided me mockingly. "It's hard enough doing Medicine without having a distraction like you on my mind all day."

His hands fondled my buttocks again and I felt his erection growing through his jeans. I kissed him again, this time more slowly and lingeringly, mouths open, tongues active and felt his fingers walking down to the hem of my skirt. He raised it slowly until his hands were underneath and on my knickers.

"When's Mum coming home?" He whispered.

"In about an hour – maybe less. For some reason she's keen to see you." I smiled cheekily. "Not as keen as I am though!"

"What would you have worn if you'd had the chance to change?" He asked, his face a picture of innocence which didn't fool me for a second.

"Would you... would you like to... to see the clothes I bought?" I asked, looking him straight in his dark eyes, meaning exactly what I knew he wanted it to mean. "They're in my room."

"Maybe... Maybe..."

Without another word, Mike took me by the hand and led me upstairs, across the landing and into my bedroom. It was untidy – I had planned to clear up after changing but at that moment I didn't care. Once in the room he turned me to face him and took each of my hands in his.

"Shall we close the curtains?" I asked. He shook his head.

"It would look suspicious if Mum came back. Besides I want to see you properly now I've finally got you to myself."

"You'd like me more if I'd had a chance to change..." I protested. "I'm eighteen now and shouldn't have to wear this... stuff!" I tugged at my uniform in disgust.

Mike just smiled.

"Have you any idea how long I've dreamed of doing this?" He interrupted, slipping my school blazer off my shoulders and letting it fall to the floor.

"Of doing what?" I asked in as grown-up a voice as I could manage.

"Of slowly undressing..." He replied, his hands on the waistband of my skirt, unfastening the clasp and lowering the side zipper.

"My sexy little sister..."

"I'm not so little..." I protested feebly but he just ignored me.