Unleashed Desires, Ageless Passions Ch. 05

"After that I used to take myself off on short holidays in France visiting vineyard towns. So that's how I know a little about wine, but what about you?"

"Mine is not such a great story," she said. "I just like red wine, burgundy especially. I read about it in books, a bit like how I learned about sex in a way. But I do have this very good wine merchant. The people there are so knowledgeable and helpful. Funnily enough, they are based in St James's Street. You may know them."

We laughed about something else we had found in common.

"I'm sorry, John," Rosie said. "I want to go back to Jane for just a little while longer. I think you know far more than you let on. But if you were practising and you made a referral to a psychiatrist, what would be your diagnosis and recommendation?"

"Oh hell! I feared you might ask me this," I said, "I'm going to struggle because I dislike doing this intensely. I have always believed that one's intimate relationships are not the place for psychological analysis and that doing diagnosis would be destructive. What I'm going to say is not going to be much in character for me. But I'll give it my best shot.

"In a way, I'm not too much of a fan of psychotropic medicine. In the same way, I feel uncomfortable about the ways in which mental illnesses are diagnosed frequently, with the whole way in which symptoms are bracketed together then labelled according to some very limited and broad diagnostic categories.

"It's a mess but if I had to revert to conventional diagnostic categories…Oh I hate doing this. I'm finding it really difficult but I'll go on."

Rosie took my hand and squeezed it lovingly.

"It's okay," she said. "Just take your time." Rosie really is the therapist's therapist, I thought.

"Thanks, Rosie," I said feeling my palms start to sweat. "I suppose my diagnosis would show what a nonsense diagnostics truly are.

"You see, I believe she presents with symptoms across a range of syndromes. There are aspects of Attention Deficit Disorder in there, ADD. There are also aspects of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, OCD. There is also this whole low self-esteem behaviour set that one might post to one or the other of those categories. The poor love is possibly depressed too. So she's a real mess. She's very neurotic to be sure.

"I think I would seek out a very special psychiatrist and a very special clinic: One where they think about a real whole person and not just a mental illness. There is too much of that stuff. Blast the so-called illness with drugs and watch while people fail to get better, then say that it's a chronic illness. I would struggle with that.

"I would definitely recommend in-patient care to provide a caring structure during the treatment. My first recommendation would be to try some therapy without medication. Certainly I would not indulge her in lengthy reflective analytical therapies. That would take forever to get nowhere, I suspect. But something like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy might work, CBT. The great thing about CBT is that it causes one to confront and deal with one's irrational and negative thoughts. To show those thoughts for what they really are. Skilfully done CBT can be matched with loving kindness and consideration for the person being treated too.

"I suppose that if I got desperate and was forced to look at medication, but that would only be if all else failed, I might think about Ritalin and an antidepressant. But I would monitor the use of those very, very carefully. It's no accident that the people who make that stuff are forever in court defending their products against product liability claims, none at all.

"So there you have it. How did I do Doctor Rosie?"

"Blimey, Professor!" she said. "You astound me and what's more I suspect you are spot on. Absolutely spot on. I'm sorry but there's more, I'm afraid.

"Let's say she did go through all that and that she got better. Let's say you were around to observe the process. It would be a long haul, but let's just say that it was possible. What would you say then about your marriage to her? Would you believe you would stay married to her?"

"You swine, Rosie!" I said smiling. "You are really going to make me work, aren't you?"

"Yes, it's time," she said, "and remember I'll catch you if you stumble or fall. I'll make sure you won't get hurt here. I love you, John. Remember that too."

God, this woman is so kind! I thought to myself.

"The biggest battle might be to get her to accept that she needs help, that battle may be the hardest of all," I said. "But let's say that that particular battle was won. Let's go on from there.

"This is going to be the hardest thing of all. My honest answer is that my marriage to Jane would no longer be possible, that it would have to end.

"Let's call what she suffers from an illness. Let's call the negative thoughts and other irrationalities, fantasies. You see a lot of the fantasies are built around me. I'm central to them and I sustain them. Do you get this?"

Rosie nodded.

"So in a way, what she has is an illness in which I play a central part," I said. "The fact that I'm also a therapist begs more than the odd question too. So she has built all these fantasies around me so staying with me would merely serve to perpetuate the illness, to bolster and support its symptoms, the fantasies. They are all about me.

"The best thing I could do is to let Jane go lovingly so that she can find herself. Just to let her go, to let her go now."

Rosie had started to sob. I found myself joining in. We clung to each other for grim death, tears streaming down our faces.

"You're right, John," she said, "totally right. Now do you see why I think you're so special?"

The waiter came and left, closing the curtains tightly. He did know the right time to withdraw.

"I love you, Rosie," I sobbed.

"I love you, John," said Rosie.

I had found my truth, or at least part of it.