Unrequited Love

I hopped up and got on the internet. I started researching all things gay. I went to a popular site that I previously only went to for straight stories. I started to read the stories and I recognized that the straight fucking stories did nothing for me. It was the love stories that really got to me. I started to see that it wasn't that they were gay, but that they were love stories that just happened to be between two men. I wasn't really hard, but all it took was for me to remember the lust in Der's eyes, the love also shining through, his biting me and I was hard and panting. This was so freaking me out.

I really started thinking about my actions so far and I really began to feel like an idiot. I thought about how I felt when he told me he was gay. I wasn't upset that he was gay, but the fact that he hadn't shared everything with me left me feeling like we weren't as close as I thought. Then with him dating, I really felt like I was losing him. Instead of feeling happy for him that he was finally living an open life, I was jealous that he had another facet to himself that I knew nothing about. I didn't want him to be happy if I was being totally honest. Because his happiness meant that he wouldn't be with me all the time.

I guess a part of me had known all along that there was something more to the story, and not just on his part either. When Der started dating I noticed that he wouldn't smile or laugh at me the same way, it was just different. I guess it bothered me that those smiles that used to be only for me were going to someone else. I finally saw what it was like to really just be friends and I didn't like it. I was discovering all of this in hindsight but it was still so hard to digest.

Him telling me that he loved me didn't gross me out because I guess deep down I already knew. Or at least I knew that there was more to our bond than I was willing to admit. Since I was being honest with myself, the thought of him loving me actually made me feel good. I guess that should have been my first clue right there. I got sort of fuzzy when I thought of what loving me meant. He wanted me, and not just to fuck, but me, all of me. He knew everything about me and still loved me. It felt pretty amazing, him being a guy or not.

When I took care of him, I felt like a damn mother hen. I just starred at him for the longest. Every time he would move I was there re-wetting the cool towel or letting him sip water. I knew he didn't remember any of that and that was comforting. I would smooth his hair away from his face and I felt so bad for him that I almost wanted to kiss his forehead. The idea was startling and I always resisted.

I couldn't take it when he left. It was like my right arm was gone. I mean sure we weren't on the best of terms ever since coming to school, but some semblance of a friendship was better than nothing. I knew that there was still the problem of what to do about the situation.

I had to change my tactic. I knew that I still wanted him in my life, but the question now was, could I handle a relationship. I knew that I couldn't just experiment with my sexuality with him. If I was going to do this then it couldn't be a fling. I just didn't know what to do.

As the days got closer to the end of the school term, I started to see Der in a completely new light. Previously I figured that he was pretty good looking, I guess. We were no slouches or anything. But I started to notice that his eyes were like deep pools that I wanted to drown in. He had clear skin with pink pouty lips. I remembered how they felt and wished now that I had responded. His smile was quite nice when he actually let it out. Man I was tripping over him hard. I saw him around, but I made it a point not to draw attention to that fact. He was drawn and reserved; his eyes looked a little dim. I wanted his eyes to sparkle again, and I wanted to be the one who put it there. His hair was longer and I thought about running my hands through it. His deep dark waves were starting to grow down his neck and over his ears. It was cute? I didn't know what to think about that. Man I was falling hard.

I had to know for sure that I wouldn't break his heart. I had already caused him so much pain. For this reason, I stayed away from him. Yes, my attraction was growing for him, but he was the only male that it seemed to be growing for. How did I convince him that I really wanted him when I wasn't really sure that I was gay?

Like a light bulb or lightening, or whatever, I was struck again by how stupid I had been. What if it wasn't about being gay? I mean I was attracted to him, but only him. No other guy did it for me. That didn't make me gay, it just made me his. Sure, I still thought about women, but the more that I thought about it, the more I realized that I had never had a bond like the one that we shared. I never even let anyone get that close to me. Maybe I loved him.

The thought made me sit down, hard. I was stunned. I loved Dereck? Could that be true? Damn, I was gonna lose my mind if I kept thinking about this. I got up and went to take a shower. I set the water on the hottest I could stand and tried not to think. That didn't work. I couldn't help remembering Der in the shower. He was bigger than I remembered from high school. It was odd at first that he never took his clothes off in front of me. But when I was helping him shower, he was much more sculpted than I thought. Remembering his body made me think of what he'd said that he wanted to do to me. Especially thinking about that bite which scared the hell out of me when I saw it. I was so hard thinking about it though.

I took my cock and started to slowly jack off. I tried to think of girls, celebrities with hot bodies and I went almost limp. Then I started thinking of men actors, Brad Pitt, Orlando Bloom, anyone and I was still only at half-mast. Just one thought of Der and I was almost shooting my wad. What the hell was happening to me? I slowly reached around and tapped at my bud. The shiver that raced down my body was incredible. I used some soap to lather my finger and slowly started working my finger in. It burned a little but still felt good. I knew about the male prostate but I couldn't quite reach it. I shifted a little ad I saw white. The feeling was so intense that I almost fell down. My orgasm was so intense that I was shaking even minutes after.

By the end of my shower, I was pruned and still horny as hell. My problems seemed to be ever changing. Now that I was all horned up, there was only one person that could satisfactorily relieve it and he didn't want to have anything to do with me. It was time to do something yet again.

DERECK

I walked away from Chris and was shaking I was so nervous. What if he got up and chased me? I went back to Rob's place and cried my heart out. It was really over. Damn, I was acting like we were a couple. I knew that my actions had really cinched the deal though. He couldn't help but be disgusted with me now. The problem was that I couldn't really be sorry for what I did. I got to live out some of the fantasies that i've had for years. It was incredible even if he wasn't responding.

I wanted the school year to end so that I could go home and lick my wounds. I walked around campus, not really seeing anything or anyone. I was so glad when I was able to go home for the summer. It would be my time to find out what I really wanted to do with the rest of my life. I wasn't sure that I even wanted to go back to that school.

I got home and was met with a bevy of questions from my mom. She sat me down and did not stop with the questions for ten minutes. When she was done, she looked at me expectantly. I hadn't heard half of what she said and I just didn't have the energy to play it off jokingly.

She looked at me really hard and then led me to my room. She asked me what was wrong and I seriously contemplated breaking down and telling her the whole story. I really had wanted to come out to my parents when I got a boyfriend. It just didn't seem to matter now seeing as I wasn't with anyone. Being 'out' wasn't so great when being hit on by guys didn't make you want your ex-best friend any less.

I just told her that Chris and I weren't friends any more and that I hadn't been living in the dorms for over a month. I knew she wanted to push but I guess something made her hold her tongue. She made my favorite dinner of fried chicken macaroni and broccoli. It was a nice gesture but I guess she didn't know that it was also Chris' favorite meal too.

Over the next few weeks, I slept for long hours and barely left my room. I had lost weight in school but now I was gaining it back in spades. I now had a little pouch that I couldn't really bring myself to care about. I decided to go out and take a swim. My parents were out and I had nothing else to do.

I went for a swim and was beginning to feel pretty good about lazing about in the sunshine. I got out and decided to bring in the mail even though I usually didn't get anything that wasn't school related, but I did it anyway. While leafing through the mail a small envelope fell out and onto the floor. I picked it up and noticed that it had my name on it. I looked for the return address but there wasn't one. I shrugged and opened the envelope. The card said 'Thinking of you', and in the inside was written "in every way".

I didn't know what the hell to make of that. I guessed that Rob was just trying to cheer me up. I pretty much forgot about it until I received the next one a week later. It was the same card but the inside now said, "Miss you, want you, and need you." I had no idea what to make of that one either. I didn't want to get freaked out but it was a little strange.

Still, I didn't have the energy to get too worked about it. It wasn't like it was miraculously from Chris. I put it with the other one in my desk drawer and went on about my day. I decided to get a job and went to work at a local bookstore. It was mundane but it gave me something to do and put some money in my pocket.

I hadn't figured on running into Chris. I thought that I was healing... I thought wrong. He waltzed into the store and I felt raw hunger at first. That was followed by longing and then sadness. Would it ever stop? Maybe when I was seventy and had Alzheimer's I wouldn't be able to remember him. I sighed and went on back to work.

The problem with being the only cashier scheduled was that you had to help everyone. My prompt was so scripted; I often recited it before looking at the person.

"Thank you for choosing CraftBooks, we hope you enjoyed your experience..."

I looked up at that exact moment and it was Chris. I found some way to finish the prompt, if only to fill the space.

"We hope you found everything you were looking for."

He smiled and I noticed that it didn't quite reach his eyes. He was still gorgeous though and his smile took my breath away.

"Well its funny you should say that Der. You see, i've been looking for something for a long time and didn't even know it. Turns out that you guys do carry it, but I don't know if i'm worthy of it."

I was completely confused. I had no idea what the hell he was talking about. He must have sensed my confusion but he kept talking anyway.

"I'm scared to even try to get it, but I think that i'll just keep coming back to spy on it until I get up the guts to pay for it."

With that, his transaction was finished and I was really confused. Had Chris gone crazy or something? I watched him walk out and was just glad that more hadn't gone on. I made it through the day and went home. As the weeks wore on, I saw Chris in the bookstore more and more, but he never really said anything to me unless he bought something. Even then, he would only say the regular customer stuff. I sighed in sadness but knew that this is what I had wanted.

One day I came in and there was a small box on the cash register with my name on it. I opened the box and there was a chocolate cupcake with 'Love Me' written in icing on it. It had to be a coincidence that chocolate was my favorite. I licked the icing and almost moaned. It was butter crème, also a favorite of mine. I looked around but didn't see anyone. I was beginning to think that I had a secret admirer.

Who could it be? Maybe some girl from high school. No one here knew I was gay, so it had to be some girl. That was the last thing I needed. Oh well, at least I got good chocolate and I knew that I had never let a girl think that I was seriously interested.

CHRIS

Damn this slow seduction thing was killing me! He didn't even know that it was me sending the cards. When I decided to send the cupcake, I thought for sure that he'd know who it was from. After all, it was his favorite. I stood back out of his line of sight and watched him as he licked icing off his fingers. It was giving me a boner and making me more frustrated.

I saw him looking around and then shrugging. My shoulders slumped because I knew he hadn't put it together. I was wracking my brain thinking of what to do next. He probably thought I still hated him. I know he was totally closed to the idea that I was interested. I knew I was interested now, I was in love. Each time I saw him I just wanted to hold him in my arms. He still had that haunted look, but I planned to change that soon.

I had to up the ante so to speak so I decided to go with the direct approach. Well, more direct than I had been until this point. I didn't think going to his house was a good idea, at least not yet. While he was at work, I went to buy something I knew he'd love. He was a great artist so I bought him a set of charcoals for his sketching. I decided not to wrap it or anything because now I didn't really want him to put it together that I was his secret admirer.

I got to the check stand and let his voice waft over me. I always let myself smile a little when he spoke. It was softer now, not with his usual timber but he was more solemn now. I loved it anyway. He finished his prompt and I waited until he looked at me. It was a little tentative at first but then he defiantly stared back.

"I'm sorry," I said. He was gulping and darting his eyes a bit now.

"For what? You haven't done anything."

"Yeah I have, I didn't respect your wishes and I should have left you alone. I've done that and i'd like to offer you a peace offering." I gave him the charcoals and he smiled a little. I loved the fact that I was the cause of that smile. I wished that I could make him smile like that for the rest of our lives. I think that's when I was absolutely sure that I was in love with him. Now I just had to convince him of that.

"Thank you, it's ok, I realized afterwards that you were trying to help me in your own weird way. I'm just not ready to go there again though. I'm sorry."

I couldn't help it, I reached out to brush one of his locks out of his eye and I heard him gasp. I was immediately chagrined and I hoped I hadn't blown it. I didn't want him to withdraw even more from me.

"Its ok, Der, I can wait."

With that, I walked away with my purchase. I didn't go to the store for a couple of more days; I didn't want to push my luck. I needed to decide how to up the ante on my seduction. This wasn't for fun, this was for my life.

I sent another card along with a pink rose. I thought it was fitting because of my inscription. It read, 'This rose is the color blush I want you to have when you realize how loved you are.' Ok so Casanova I ain't but it was from the heart. I didn't go see him the next day either but it was so hard to stay away from him.

DERECK

I was beginning to look for Chris to come into the store. I was so tired of trying to fight my feelings for him that I decided to just feel. It couldn't be anymore painful than fighting it had been. When he came in and apologized, I thought I would just die. So I guess he knew what I was doing just like I figured him out. It just solidified why I loved him so much. He reached out to smooth y hair and I felt the electricity all the way to my toes. If I didn't know better i'd say he was flirting. It was sad, I guess now I was just transferring my feelings onto him. Oh well, maybe I wouldn't love him forever. Maybe I had a chance with whomever my secret admirer. If they weren't a girl, of course.

When I got the rose, I was dumb founded. Up until now, the words had been pretty vanilla. There was no indication that the person loved me. I couldn't say that it wasn't possible because of how I felt about Chris, but it wasn't probable seeing as I never really got close to anyone else. I was weirded out, but so far, it wasn't really stalker-ish.

I received another card that just said, 'open your eyes'. What the hell was that supposed to mean? Should I know who this person was? Rob was really the only possibility but I had to rule him out because he didn't know where I lived. That only left people in my hometown. That meant that it had to be a girl because no one knew I was gay. It was starting to get to me a little bit.

When Chris came into the store the next week, I actually sought him out. I needed to talk about it with someone and I really only wanted to and could talk to him about it.

"Hey Chris you got a minute?" He looked a little shocked, but then he blew me away with his beautiful smile and came over. Damn I loved his smile.

"Sure anything for you Der, what's up?

I don't know why but I loved him even more for not being disgusted with me or at least getting over it.

"Well, i've got this problem and I need some advice. You are really the only person I can safely talk about it with."

"Well Der come on out with it, what is going on? Are you alright? Is mom ok? Speak up man!"

It touched me that he still cared and I guess he was more affected by our friendship ending than I thought. I quickly allayed his fears.

"Naw man, some chick has been sending me letters. She even sent me a cupcake and a rose for heavens sake! Man, I don't know what to do; I think she loves me or something. I don't like the fact that i've led some girl on or something, it's just not fair to her."

CHRIS

I was so shocked that my Der sought me out. Yes, I had come to think of him as mine. I don't even know when that happened. Then he tells me he needs advice and I immediately went a little berserk. After he assured that there was nothing like that wrong, imagine my shock when he starts talking about his secret admirer. I had to really think of how to handle this. Did I lay all my cards on the table or should I act like I didn't know anything about it?

It hurt me so bad that he automatically thought it was a girl. Then I was confused, why would he think that? Surely he had been out on dates since we'd been on break.

"Der how do you know it's a girl? Last time I checked, you don't play for that team. Haven't you dated and come out to your parents? I'm sure they would still support you."

"Actually I haven't dated anyone since Rob and no one here knows that i'm gay. I wanted to tell mom and dad this past school year when I had a steady boyfriend or something, but that didn't happen so I just didn't say anything. I'm not sure that i'm going back to school in the fall though."

His words made me run through a gamut of emotions. I was happy and sad that he hadn't dated. But the fact that he wasn't even out to his parents just made me that much more sad for him. I wanted to take him in my arms and assure him that everything would be ok. The thought of him not going back to school was more than I could bear. I needed to move this along before summer was over. I couldn't let him out of my life without a fight.

"So who do you think it is?

"I have absolutely no idea. I have a feeling that she may hang around here but i've never felt anyone starring at me. Do you think you can keep an eye out when you come in? I mean, that is, if you wanna come in."