Urban Oddballs: 12

Urban Oddballs: The Cootie Cats

Edited by Thegreat_pretender

"So Jeggli's milk profits came in the other day, didn't they, Hun?" Puvi said, speaking into her phone with a smooth yet condescending tone.

"Y-yes dear, they came in this morning. I hope you're having a successful time with your friends," Taka, Puvi's husband, said in a positive tone.

"Thanks honey," Puvi answered back before hanging up.

So, we're going to do what, capture a statue or something?" Begigli asked, pushing her mint-green hair out of her face as she leaned down to Puvi's level.

"Yes, wait, are you drunk?" Puvi asked, smelling the alcohol on her friend's breath.

"Uh, maybe?" Begigli hicced as she wiped the drool from her mouth.

"I told you about this B," Puvi scowled.

"Relax, boss lady, it's only rum and cola," Begigli said.

"I smell more rum than cola, but whatever. Just watch my ass, there's supposed to be a guardian near the vault," Puvi cautioned.

"So, like a, *urp* big dog?" Begigli mumbled.

"Yeah, like a big dog you big lush," Puvi teased, stepping through the doors of the dilapidated bank.

"So, why just the two of us, by the way?" Begigli mumbled.

"Well, you're a healer, and this ain't going to be that hard," Puvi explained.

Soon after the words left her plump lips, a giant rat appeared out of a hole in the wall.

"Looks like we got a nuisance," Begigli burped.

"Slap shot!" Puvi shouted as she swung her dropping breast. Puvi's left breasts lashed at the rat like a flail with enough force that it caved the rat's skull in.

"Woah, those boobies are dangerous," Begigli burbled.

"Yeah, stretching these things out to do that was a pain, but it seems to have paid off," Puvi nodded, looking down at the dropping sacks that hung from her chest.

"Doesn't swinging them around hurt, though?" Begigli pointed out, flask in hand.

"Cut that out, you don't need to be drunker...and no, I'm fine, let's push forward," Puvi scowled.

"So, like, did you have to buy new bras, or whatever?" Begigli asked.

"Nah, I don't even wear them. It helps their conditioning if I don't anyway," Puvi pointed out.

"Really, so like, what, uh, cup size are you now?" Begigli mumbled.

"Like, a big 'Q', I think, which is another reason why bras are a little redundant. Bras that big are expensive," Puvi pointed out.

"Wait, behind you!" Begigli cried.

Another large rat lunged for Puvi, but was shot down in mid-air by a purple bubble.

"Gah, that was close," Begigli mumbled, wiping her mouth.

"Thanks for the assist, good to see that being intoxicated doesn't impair your reflexes," Puvi giggled.

Begigli's belly inflated, then deflated as the mass of air moved into her throat, bulging it out to release a white bubble of what looked like champagne.

"Argh, here, if you get hurt just touch this at any point and you'll be healed," burped Begigli.

"Yeah, yeah, I've seen it before, thanks B. Where the hell is this damn vault, though?" Puvi asked, impatient from the rat attacks by this point.

"Uh, let's stop messing around on this floor and head towards the basement, maybe it's there?" Begigli suggested.

"Not a bad idea, let's see...oh, the stairwell is all crumbled, be careful!" Puvi warned, taking a careful step downward before jumping.

"Uh, I'm kind of tall, so this is gonna be awkward," Begigli muttered.

"It'll be fine, I'll catch you!" Puvi yelled back.

"Urp, okay!" Begigli nodded, wiping her mouth before jumping down.

In a swoop of unexpected athleticism, Puvi caught the bulk of Begigli's ten foot frame, holding the tall flop goblin in her capable arms. Begigli was surprised by how secure she felt in her leader's arms.

"Told 'ya I'd catch 'ya, though drinking must affect your depth perception. You fell like an uncoordinated frog."

"Urgh, shut up," Begigli grumbled as she was released from Puvi's grasp.

"Well, you were right, though, the vault is up ahead," Puvi pointed out.

"Yeah, but like, where's that guard dog?" Begigli mumbled as she brushed the back of her neck.

"Shit, behind you!" Puvi yelled, swinging her hips into the darkness.

A large spider-like creature recoiled as the mass of chocolate flesh collided with its face.

Falling back out of the way, Begigli yelled back "I'll aid you!" This was followed by a volley of purple bubbles that Begigli spat towards the spider. They popped against its face, melting it, in turn causing the beast great pain as it scuttled back confused and disorientated.

"Good job, B, it's having trouble. Time to finish it off!" Puvi declared, pointing to the beast as if she were a pro-wrestler.

Jumping up into the air, Puvi performed a summersault, positioning her great posterior above the large foe before coming down with a thunderous smash.

"Yeah! Pavement Pounder!" She yelled as painful ripples shot through the spider's body. It fell to the floor beneath them, cracking the foundation that was the cement floor.

"Woah, shit!" Begigli cried as the ground beneath her feet rippled and cracked.

Standing atop the corpse of the giant foe, Puvi cracked her back in relief. Then, with a look of contentment, she looked at Begigli.

"Well, shall we?" Puvi giggled.

"Shit boss, you almost brought the building down!" Begigli sighed.

"Don't be such a pussy, B," Puvi laughed, punching Begigli in the hip.

"Ouch!" Begigli cried, rubbing her arm.

The two women approached the steel vault. Puvi stopped in front of it and looked it over with great curiosity.

"Are you going to crack it?" Begigli asked, her index finger pressed to her lip.

"Yeah, watch," Puvi giggled, tapping her vault with her palm before running back.

Puvi ran past the corpse of the spider to the back wall, then, with breakneck speed, she ran towards the vault. She jumped as she neared the vault, swinging her hip towards the steel door. Upon contact the door resisted as best it could before buckling and then bursting open like a balloon. The air pressure from the explosion pushed Begigli back, causing her to fall into the spider's corpse on the opposite end of the room.

"Wow, that steel was weak! Ah, well, time to get that gold idol. Strange that such a thing would be down here, though," Puvi laughed, wiping her brow.

"Hey, be more careful with your ass, would 'ya?" Begigli cried, flinging the spider guts off of her arms.

"Oh, hush, the objective is almost complete," Puvi cooed.

Stepping inside the vault, Puvi found the statue sitting on a lone pedestal in the middle of the room.

"Wow, it looks like a big breasted bitch!" Mumbled Begigli as she peered into the busted hole of the vault.

"Yeah, well I guess the mission employer knew that, probably because he's a pervert," Puvi pointed out.

Touching the statue, it began to glow with a bright yellow light.

"Ah shit, what now?" Puvi asked, a little annoyed now.

The statue levitated above the two before filling the room with a brilliant light, blinding them. A large golden foot appeared out of nowhere and positioned itself over Puvi, with the intention of crushing her. Puvi looked on in horror as the foot closed in on her. Though, as it was only moments from crushing her, it reeled back in pain.

"I got you, boss!" Burped Begigli.

"Thanks B! Now, you there, gold bitch. Shrink back down so I can carry you out of here!"

Before the two was a massive golden woman who reeled back in pain as she caressed her melting foot. Acknowledging the two, the golden she-golem hissed, her four glowing eyes narrowing in disgust at Puvi's threats. Now full of spite, the woman prepared to strike her adversary with finger flick.

"Wham! Don't try that shit with me!" Puvi yelled as she countered the golem's strike with her ass, busting the monster's fingers in the process.

The golem reeled back in pain, though not quickly enough as Puvi grabbed on to its hand and ran up its arm. Seeing this, the golem tried to swat Puvi away. However, she missed, as Puvi jumped on the edge of her other hand. Using this new platform as a spring board, Puvi launched herself ass first towards the golem's face.

The golem's eyes widened as she became aware that she was exhausted of options, as the chocolate buns filled her gaze. When dark flesh met the golden exterior of the golem's face a loud ring filled the vault as shockwaves reverberated off the walls. The pressure created by the strike was so great that it blew the golem's cheeks apart in a similar fashion to how the vault's door was blown apart moments ago. As the golem collapsed, Begigli took a snapshot, making for a picture as her leader touched down in dynamic pose.

"Okay, yeah, that wasn't in the mission agreement. We're charging that bastard, double the amount!" Puvi grumbled, patted the gold dust off of her butt.

"Hey, look, that monster is dissipating into golden flakes!" Begigli yelled, pointing to the disappearing body of the golem.

"Whew, look at that, well maybe the statue is still in her?" Puvi questioned, looking over the foe's disintegrating body.

Upon the flowing mass of golden leaves rested a crystal statue, similar to the golden one the two encountered before the battle.

"Hey now, we're definitely going to demand a triple on that fee, look at this thing!" Puvi laughed with the weighty statue in her hands.

"We should have out little friend appraise it, don't you think?" Begigli asked looking at the shimmering idol.

"Yeah, yeah, Echiko is good with stuff like this," Puvi nodded, agreeing.

"Wait, so how are we getting out of here?" Begigli asked, looking up at the fallen staircase.

"Ugh, hold this thing and get on my back," Puvi grumbled.

"Roger Boss!" Begigli nodded as she did what she was told.

Now atop Puvi, the two rocketed out of the hold via Puvi's excellent lower body strength.

"Woah!" Begigli yelled as the two reached the top floor with a loud thud.

"You good, boozy?" Puvi joked.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Begigli hic-upped.

"Good for you, go!" Puvi laughed as she rolled Begigli off of her back.

Falling on her bubble ass with a thud, Begigli cried back,

"Hey, give a girl a warning next time."

"So, are we picking up your kid from class? It's almost two," Puvi asked as she walked towards the bank's entrance.

"Yeah, right, thanks boss. Wait, I've been thinking, do you think what Zlipney said at the meaning yesterday was true?

"Yeah, it was true, the thing inside her doesn't lie. I wouldn't be too concerned about it, though," Puvi replied, shaking her hand in dismissal.

"Yeah, no one can be us, right?" Begigli asked with fleeting optimism.

Puvi paused, mulling over her thoughts of the meeting the other day.

***

"...Alright is everyone settled?" Zlipney mumbled as the group settled around a circular table that featured the insignia of the group's name and mascot in the middle of it.

"Yes, 'Cootie Cats group briefing #42' can start!" Wesrnas smiled.

"Ew, you number these?" Tahlri snorted.

"Everyone shut up, Z is speaking," Puvi roared.

"Yes...well, operation 'pregnant pizza girl' was a success," Zlipney spoke with a positive tone.

This was met with applause from everyone. However, it was soon halted by Zlipney's raised hand.

"With that said, there is... much to discuss. Using our...abilities, it has become apparent that our rivals are more than a bunch of kids with a Miblin as their mascot. The 'woman' Whisk'ka encountered was no mere preggo. I tell you...all this because upon approaching the large home, which we assumed to be their base, I felt the presence of...twelve thousand and eight souls," Zlipney finished, looking at the horrified looks of her teammates.

"Bullshit, I don't even have that many fairies in my tail!" Kassie cried.

"Wait, so that tattooed skank is housing over twelve thousand souls inside of herself?" Whisk'ka asked, confused.

"...No...as she was the one who answered the door, I was able to detect that she has exactly twelve thousand. The other eight included her own and seven other beings in the home. Though, due to the intensity of each, I have come to the conclusion that their team has seven members at the moment," Zlipney finished.

"So, what did your 'thing' tell you about the eighth soul? Why are they not important?" Asked a white bat girl.

"Yeah, what Echiko said!" Tahlri yelled, referring to the bat girl.

"...her presence is similar to Puvi's child, which means she was nothing to worry about," Zlipney finished.

"Wait, so the Miblin is a serious threat then?" Puvi asked.

"...well, to be honest, the non-threatening soul of the eighth person was probably the Miblin."

"Hic* Never mind all that, what about the girl with the souls?" Begigli slurred.

"Well...when I met her at the door, there was a waft of killing intent that filled the air, which put us on edge," Zlipney stated, rubbing her belly.

"Put you, you, on edge?" Wesrnas mumbled in disbelief.

"Yeah, that's what she said, duck, geez pay attention!" Tahlri scoffed.

"Oh, shut the fuck up, you two," hissed Whisk'ka.

"...Furthermore, I felt she suspected I was more than I seemed. This leads me to believe that she too has some sort of sensory capability," Zlipney hypnotized, resting her chin against the back of her hand.

"Based on what I could find online, most people that they've helped seem to note this preggo and the Miblin as key members," Wesrnas stated.

"You could have brought that up sooner, quacker, now we know that the Miblin ain't no mascot," Tahlri grumbled, annoyed.

"...sorry...that's kind of true..." Zlipney agreed.

"Any word on what she can do?" Puvi asked.

"There are pics of her striking some Minotaur with her ass..." Wesrnas stated.

"So, you're saying she's me, then?" Puvi smacked, crossing her arms.

"No, but she could be similar," Wesrnas squeaked in fear.

"Well, that's a coincidence, cause that salamander is like you," Kassie giggled at Wesrnas.

"Oh, right, you all did say she turned into a turtle or something right?" Wesrnas remembered.

"Yeah, yeah who cares about that weird bitch. What about Annry, was she at the house?" Whisk'ka asked Zlipney.

"...I can sense souls and make judgments based on their intensity, I don't have x-ray vision..." Zlipney said in a monotone yet catty way.

"Ah fuck, then what good is that thing in you then if it can't tell us who's who?" Whisk'ka hissed.

"...Please don't anger us..." Zlipney stated in collected tone.

"Don't get uppity with me, bitch, I'll give you an abortion!" Whisk'ak roared.

"Wizzy! Calm down," Puvi said, putting her hand on top of Whisk'ka's

Whisk'ka locked eyes with Zlipney for a moment but backed down.

"My bad, whatever," Whisk'ka concluded, snatching her hand away from Puvi to fold her arms.

"Right, okay, let me ask you this. Based on what you sense, was there anyone with the same intensity as any of us?" Echiko asked.

"Good question, good question!" Tahlri clapped.

"...Disregarding the eighth, four of them matched...Whisk'ka, Wesrnas, myself, and Puvi," Zlipney concluded.

"So, what does that mean exactly?" Wesrnas asked confused.

"...It means that these four are similar or equal in strength to us," Zlipney stated.

"A Miblin equal to me? Pfft, okay whatever," Puvi scoffed, taken aback.

"Well, is that a thing, though? I mean, anyone of them could be equal to you, right?" Whisk'ka said, trying to assure Puvi.

"Well...I couldn't see whose soul belonged to whom, so, it's anyone's guess," Zlipney said adjusting her words.

"So, what's are next move Puvi?"

***

"Did you have a good time at school, baby?" Begigli burped.

"Yeah, Ma, oh hey, auntie P!" Laughed a young flop goblin boy.

"Hey, Leek, you talk to that girl you like?" Puvi teased.

"Yeah, she turned me down though," Leek sighed.

"Oh no, that bitch! Don't worry, Leek, you're a handsome boy!" Puvi nodded, reassuring the young man.

"Thanks, auntie!" Leek smiled.

"So, B, is E even at the hideout?"

"Ah, shoot, maybe. Let me call her before we go," Begigli said, taking out her phone.

***

Meanwhile, in the heart of mid-town.

"Whew, so skinny, so busty, I must have a piece!" Roared a fat Flop Goblin as he stumbled over himself towards Kassie.

"Yeah, big boy, I know you want some of this black and white!" Kassie giggled, peeling away her green Girl Scout top to reveal the white flesh of her skunk bosom.

Though, as the Flop Goblin rushed towards the fat G-cup breasts, his stride was halted by a static snap that snatched through his mid-section.

"You should watch where you're going, pervert!" Echiko hissed, now crotched behind the Flop Goblin.

Echiko pocketed her phone, the crackling blade of black and white static dissipating from its screen as she did so. The Flop Goblin struggled forward but found that his body was succumbing to paralysis, causing him to collapse.

"Thanks for the assist, those slut fairy kisses sure make the men horny," Echiko snorted.

"Tehee, yeah, my little babies are the best!" Kassie clapped.

"Do you need to wear such tight clothing, though? I mean, your breasts are just falling out. Also, ain't that sort of clothing meant for little girls?" Echiko pointed out, looking at Kassie's Girl Scout attire.

"You're so mean, and you're not even one to talk, you're shorter than me and your hips are gigantic. No wonder why you don't wear pants!" Kassie pointed, which was mimicked by some fairies standing in her cleavage.

"Whatever, the bottomless style is in and skirts get in the way!" Echiko huffed.

"Like, can you even fly?" Kassie asked, crossing her arms.

"What? That's a dumb question, of course I can fly, I'm a bat!" Echiko scoffed, holding out her arms to reveal the flaps of wing within.

"Huh...well...Wesrnas can't fly and she's a bird!" Kassie stated, forthright.

"She's not a bird, she's a weirdo..." Echiko sighed.

"Well, well, fly me over to headquarters then!" Kassie demanded.

"Urgh! Fine, let's just take a picture of this guy for 'Quest Me'," Echiko sighed.

"Yay, air taxi, air taxi!" Kassie and the fairies shouted, bouncing up and down.

"Oh, I missed a call from Begigli, it seems she left me a text," Echiko stated in casual surprise.

"Yeah, that phone sword app makes you miss calls!" Kassie teased, swirling her fingers, an action that was mimicked by her fairies.

"Oh, they want me to appraise this statue they found at that bank. I'll shoot them a text back, then," Echiko stated aloud, ignoring Kassie and her little gallery of annoyances.

"Oh, oh, are the other three at HQ?" Kassie asked, eager to get a ride from Echiko.

"Nah, I doubt it, they're probably out doing a mission right now, and I'm not calling because Zlipney will answer and she creeps me out..."

"Aw, she's so nice though, and she makes cookies!" Kassie clapped.

"By 'nice' you mean that zombie stare she has all the time? Eww, it's so spooky!"

"Well, you're a vampire and you're spooky!" Kassie huffed.

"I mean, wow, I didn't know we were being racist now," Echiko shrugged.

"It's not racist, you are a vampire, you give Whisk'ka and Begigli bad kisses all the time when they're sleeping," Kassie pointed, accusing Echiko.

"Yeah, and they get me drunk too, they're always drinking too much," Echiko sighed in thought.

"See, that's creepy, you can't call Z creepy when you're super creepy!" Kassie stated, sure of herself.

"Well, you can walk to HQ, then. You wouldn't want a 'vampire' giving you a ride," Echiko snickered with a coy glance as she spread her arms out.

"Oh, hey wait, no!" Kassie cried, chasing after Echiko

"Later, skunk girl!" Echiko laughed as she took to the air flying away.

"Ughh, she's such a bitch!" Stomped Kassie.

***

Now, in a small apartment in mid-town.

"Fuck yeah, babe, keep riding just like that!" Zeeks cooed as he was being straddled by his girlfriend.