Utopian Desires Ch. 14-15

Chapter 14 "Paranoia"

Sunday morning, her feet hit the floor. She reached for the phone, dialed his number and got the answering machine. She sighed and thought, he must still be asleep, or maybe he hasn't realized it's still off yet. She was sure he would turn it on soon enough; she'd try back in a few hours.

Several times that day she picked up the phone, several times it rang and rang and no one answered. She hates times like this, and he knows it. By eight that night she was getting frustrated. She tried one last time. As he answered the phone she knew that something was wrong. All he said was that he couldn't talk right now, that things had been hectic all day.

He PROMISED to call her the next day. She knew better than to push the issue, so she hung up and basically worried the rest of the night.

"What could possibly be happening," she said softly to herself.

Monday came and went without a single phone call. She dialed his number several times, only to get his voicemail. Sometimes she thinks the only thing that gets her through these times is being able to hear his voice on that machine. She knows he has a Swiss cheese memory, but when someone makes a promise, she really expects him or her to keep it.

That evening she stayed up until four a.m. and waited for him online. He never showed. If this is what it's going to be like, she wondered how worth it, it really was. At the same time, she was worried; what could be keeping him?

Tuesday morning, she got up earlier than she probably should have. She waited for his call, after all they were suppose to meet. Again, she was met with disappointment. By then she was slightly miffed. She has had to get use to him not calling in twenty-four hours but he has never gone this long.

Again she sat up waiting until long after three a.m. she wrote him a letter and went to bed, only to watch the stars through the sky window over her bed. As the sun was rising, her eyes slipped shut. After days with limited sleep, she passed out cold.

Chapter 15 "Confusion Strikes"

It was four in the afternoon when she rolled over and looked at the clock. She could not believe that she had slept all day. She reached for her phone and made a beeline for the bathroom. When she dialed his number, she got the answering machine.

Enough is enough she thought!

"I'm not going to call him again, until he calls me!"

Frustration has a way of making people think and say crazy things because later that evening she found herself dialing the phone again. This time she heard his voice answer. This time that annoying answering machine didn't kick in. This time she was going to find out what the hell was going on.

The first words out of his mouth were I'm sorry.

His apology melted her, even though deep inside she was still angry she was relieved to hear his voice.

She asked him what's been going on, and why he missed their meeting, and why he never called her. He explained that with everything that had happened over the last few days he forgot. He went on to tell her all about what had happen.

"She knows," he said.

"What" she replied?

"She knows" He repeated.

She could not believe her ears. She questioned how this happened. He told her that she had been looking through the cell phone bill and asked him who the person he had been talking to for the last six months was. He had chosen not to lie to her. He had told her everything. That is what had happened when she had called him on Sunday... That is why he hadn't been able to talk... That is why his phone had been off for three days... She took a deep breath and sighed.

"So what now" She asked as she bit her lip in fear.

She could feel the tears swelling up in her cat green eyes. She was scared that he was about to call everything off. She was sure that her heart was about to get broke. That's when he told her that he had been honest with his girlfriend. That he planned on continuing to see her. He told her that he had confessed that he didn't know where the future was going, but that he wanted to get to know her better. He had told his girlfriend of several years, that there weren't any long term plans as of this moment, but that this relationship had the potential to become serious.

The knot grew larger in her throat, as she listened to his words. She knew that the storm was far from over. She knew from past experiences that when a relationship is in danger, that the party usually will try anything to hold on. If she had access to the phone bill, she would be watching for sure. This caused her to worry about the future. Her heart was extremely attached, what would she do if she lost him now? The call ended as he entered his work parking lot. He promised he would call her later that evening that they would talk more about this.

She held tightly to the phone that evening. She found herself wondering if he would remember to call back. The one time she let the kids use the phone, they managed to over look the calls coming in. When he did call he got her answering machine. He left a message that she wouldn't get for several hours.

At nine something that night, she finally got her phone back. She looked over at it and sighed deeply. She couldn't resist calling him.

"I thought you were going to call me back on your next delivery?"

He said, "I did, I left a message didn't you get it?"

"You did?" she asked. He told her he had called, that he would be calling back later that night, and that they would discuss everything then when he had more time.

She said, "Ok" as she hung up the phone.

Around one in the morning, the phone rang. She looked at the number and it was him. He told her he had just gotten home, let the dogs out and called as soon as he could. She tried to hide the anxiety in her voice. They spent the next three hours talking about different issues.

He told her that he was going to try to keep as much of their communication online and through landline phones as possible.

He said next month his cell plan expires and when he goes to renew it he plans to separate the bills, but until then, he'd rather keep the trouble down.

She kind of knew that was coming, and although she understood, it depressed her. She realized that she would have to use restraint and allow him to call her, instead of burning up the phone line several times a day. She thought how hard this was going to be.

She told him she understood, that it was ok... even though inside she was miserable. She would never do anything to place him in harms way. He didn't need any more trouble and she didn't want to risk losing him.

They hit many hard topics that evening especially the ones concerning children. He is a very strict parent. His children have been sheltered from most the harmful elements in today's society. They aren't anything like her kids, who have been raised by non-Arthurian figures. His children are still fairly innocent; they have been blessed and have the support of both parents. She had been a single parent most her children's lives and they had been influenced by society. For the most part, their parenting styles clashed.

As they talked about this subject, the tears began to slip from her eyes. She covered her mouth to smother the sounds. She could not help it, the last thing that she every wanted was for her children to come between her and his relationship. She knew how bad that thought was; but it happens almost every time. A man will enter her life; he is great with them at first. Then one day he realizes that he is tired of dealing with them. That he had gotten in over his head. That's when she finds herself alone.

She couldn't bring herself to discuss it. She just sat there listening as he talked. She was so confused. There was part of her that was clinging to the fact that he had admitted to his girlfriend that he was seeing her. She told herself that if he didn't have feelings for her he wouldn't have said anything. But then there was another part of her that was screaming inside. This part kept reminding her of the kids. Not just hers but his as well.

What if her kids corrupted his kids? If this happen she would never forgive herself. The reality is; she would hate herself. She never said she was a perfect parent, she knew she had made mistakes along the way. But, she had always done the best she could. Now she wondered if it would cost her the one thing she wanted most of all; the happiness that she shared with a man that was stealing her heart.

As she hung up the phone that evening, she sat at her computer. She tried to write him a letter but the words wouldn't come. Finally around five she managed to say what she was feeling.

In her letter she told him, She guessed now would be an appropriate time to go into certain topics since he had broke the ice for them.

She admitted, she should have talked a little more but insisted that she had been more interested in what he had to say because it gave her a clue about where we stood, how he felt, and what direction their relationship may be headed.

Basically, without asking, he had given the answers to several of the questions that had been secretly drifting through her mind. It was in her best interest to listen rather than talk.

She told him, When she looks at him, she sees a man full of inspiration. Not only is he gorgeous but also holds a variety of other qualities that she finds extremely attractive. He has a positive self-concept, and he seems to handle stress with ease. He's not only intelligent on an informational level; he's also intelligent on an emotional one as well. His level of intelligence and wide range of knowledge feeds her intellectual being.

He has the ability to communicate his feelings, desires and needs. He is capable of balancing the roll of dominant while encouraging equally. He's spontaneous and fairly open to new experiences.

Last but not least, sexually he is spontaneous, adventurous, open-minded and talented. Given the fact that these are all traits that are important to her, she thinks he is closer to perfect than she could have ever imagined; Thus creating internal conflict.

She explained that she had emerged from a severely dysfunctional family and now days as an educated woman, she knows that her life style is far from traditional. She told him she had been forced to raise the kids alone with very little support from the male figures in their lives. She talked about what he had said about their parenting styles being extremely different. She told him that, when she allows herself to imagine sharing a household with him, she has always smiled, but now she finds herself thinking about that one detail...

The parenting style issue makes her worry that every emotion she has for him is now a lost cause. She is more than willing to compromise on several of the issues but also fears that there are things that they will not be able to create common ground with. If this happens, she worries about what will become of them... Will she lose him?

Thoughts like these really scare her. She doesn't expect him to compromise his own values, nor would she expect him to turn a blind eye when he disagrees with something that is going on. However, she is a firm believer in open communication, even with children.

She knows that her teenage daughter will be the hardest of all. She has lived a very mature life and has grown accustom to certain things. She knows the laws, and is more than willing to run away; after all it's not illegal where they live. She also knows that most men that said they could deal with it abandoned ship when they couldn't. By telling him this, she isn't trying to create a guilt trip; she is trying to be honest.

She writes about the girlfriend knowing about them... and how that scares her. She knows that since it created an argument that she is not taking it well. This scares her. She can't help but think about how long they've been together. She knows that sometimes a current relationship feels safer than a new one. This also means that she has to realize that there is a chance that he will chose her no matter what she does. It's a hard, cold reality that she would assume not think about.

After discussing those issues she tells him honestly that there is a part of her that fears rejection and abandonment, and this part of her is screaming to stop now before she gets hurt. It tells her that he would never be content with her and that her children would come between them. Then there is another part of her that is already too attached to turn away. This part argues that all it would take is for them to communicate and be willing to work through the issues at hand.

She wonders what she should do. She loves their time together. She wants to continue to get to know him better. Even though she hasn't allowed herself to say it she knows she is well on her way to falling in love with him; if she isn't already there. That night she learned he shares her thoughts about a possible future. For her this was a good thing even though it also created fear and confusion.

All she could do now is allow nature to run its course. Let what ever happens happen. As she closed her letter she asked him for a few things. She asked him to be honest with her and not allow her to believe that there is a chance if there isn't. She asked him not to procrastinate telling her if he changes his mind. She asked him never to abandon her and the situation without telling her why. This was important that he understood because for her that would be the worst thing he could ever do.

She closed her eyes, pressed the send button, and hoped for the best. As she laid down that evening, her mind wandered, and she thought about everything that had happen. What was she going to do?