Vicki Was Here

I sat in the passengers seat and watched the road as Vicki drove the little car through rush hour traffic. She was a good driver and I had always felt comfortable riding with her.

Adorned with small stuffed animals and laced with a slight scent of flowers the interior of Vicki's car was always a quiet and tranquil place for me to be whenever I rode with her someplace, everything she owned somehow always had a gentleness and woman's touch to it - much like the lady herself I reflected.

Stealing a quick glance at her now I realized that I had loved Vicki all along but would never be in-love with her and after all the time we'd spent together over the last few years I knew in my heart that her feelings were the same for me.

Looking out the passengers window I reflected on how far in life Vicki had brought me these last two and a half years after my divorce and how much of a better person I was because of her.

Seeing her photo for the first time on the adult dating site, Vicki had meant nothing more to me than a pleasingly plump, rainy day girl with a cute face and curves in all the right places - a simple and effective way for me to kill the pain of a failed marriage.

I hadn't known when we'd met for coffee the first time that she would be there for me one dark morning in May to hold me and wipe away my tears when I fell apart three months after my divorce or that she would somehow put me all back together again with my male ego intact and that Id eventually feel happy and sane again. I hadn't known Id ever have such strong feelings for her. I hadn't known shed actually give a shit.

Looking at the rain drops on the window now I realized that I had laughed and smiled a lot with Vicki. Photos of her and I at carnivals and camp-outs flashed through my mind and I thought about the special little way she always rolled her eyes whenever Id do or say something spiked with innuendo. Looking out the car window I thought of her dark eyes and the sound of her laughter, things about her I never fully appreciated until now.

We drove through the construction zone on 8th avenue and continued onward away from the city, classical music whispering softly through the sound system and the wipers coming on periodically to wipe away the small rain droplets that accumulated every few minutes as we drove.

When Vicki had something on her mind she wouldn't say much.

It wasn't that she was mad or hurt it just meant she had something on her mind that needed to be addressed and she would do so when she was damn good and ready.

Making brief eye contact with her as she changed lanes for the fifth time I knew that the conversation we were going to have in a few minutes would be heavy. I knew what was coming, we both did.

I turned toward the windshield watching the other drivers and cars navigating through traffic after the long work day. The vehicles were of many different makes and models as were the drivers themselves, all headed in the same direction yet with different destinations in mind , windshield wipers going and rubber tires swishing on the wet pavement.

Although I didn't know any of the people in these speeding vehicles that I was looking at I did know that all of them had at one time or other felt similar to the way I felt now. Matters of the heart had weighed on them too, because they were human. It wasn't logical to love someone but human beings weren't logical.

Stealing another glance at her now, I smiled slightly to myself. Vicki was the sweetest girl I'd ever known but she could be stubborn as a mule at times too, logic or reason had little to do with anything whenever she made her mind up about something she felt was right and now was one of those times.

I thought of the afternoon we ran out of gas by the golf course and Vicki was bound and determined to wait for her friend to come and rescue us with a can of gas after calling him on her cell phone. It had been a beautiful sunny afternoon and there had been a Chevron station a mere mile up the road but we had argued like two spoiled brats whether to wait for her friend or walk up to the gas station and get gas. In the time that we had spent arguing and waiting for "Leonard" I could have walked to and from the station twice. We waited and eventually the little puke had shown up.

Vicki and I cared deeply for each other but we had learned quickly that I didn't like her friends and she didn't like mine. It wasn't a moral issue with us, we were just two different types of people drawn to different types of crowds. Vicki was a "people person" I wasn't.

Vicki covered her mouth and coughed.

"I graduate Monday" she said matter of factly.

There it is, I thought. The ice breaker.

"I know honey, and I'm very proud of you" I said and meant it.

God, what a walking train wreck Id been when she had first met me I thought.

For the millionth time I wondered why she had wanted anything to do with me when she could have been with a hundred other guys and for the millionth time I couldn't come up with a viable answer. The airline pilot she'd met on the dating site prior to me flashed through my mind or the real-estate guy with all the exotic cars she'd told me about - they'd been decent guys too, she had said but not her type...

Through snippets of conversation with Vicki I eventually learned that the airline pilot (also a new divorcee) had gotten her a free pass to Vegas aboard one of his own flights on the forth of July that year. Flying her in first class aboard a 747 that he himself commandeered. a very good way to impress a lady I had thought to myself. They'd had a wonderful weekend together but she had turned him down flat for sex.

Smirking a little to myself I recalled that she hadn't turned -ME - down when I popped the question on our fourth outing together, shed practically seduced me in the parking lot on the way up to my condo that evening, Vicki was the literal lady in church and harlot in the bedroom I had soon discovered... God she was a nasty lady in bed.

Vicki knew how to get inside my head at times and really turn me on like no other woman ever had. As time went on in our relationship and we began to trust each other more she began doing little things like calling my cell phone while I was at work and leaving detailed voice messages about what she planned to do with me when I got home that night. Then Id have her on my mind for six or seven hours and when I finally would get home my excitement would be almost unbearable - before she even touched me.

Looking at the side of Vicki's head as she drove the car now , I marveled, as I always had at her thick, swept back hair and thought about how it would drape over my neck and her ample breasts whenever she had lain on top of me. Just the smell of it in my face was intoxicating and she loved having me run my fingers through it - among other things.

I let out an involuntary rush of air at the thought of her in bed. Vicki turned her head for a quick questioning glance and caught me looking at her, she then quickly turned back toward her driving , the faint hint of a smile on her lips despite the somber task ahead of us. A little self conscience now , I looked out the passenger window again at the other cars and rain-swept city.

I guess the airline pilot guy had gotten pretty messed up over Vicki, who could blame him?

Vicki said that she really liked the guy but he had been too serious for her liking , she had been "gentle but firm" in letting him down she later told me. I guess they still talked periodically, (Doug was his name, I think) but it was strictly platonic. Apparently Doug was seeing some Asian lady now but admittedly still had a thing for Vicki.

I shrugged my shoulder a little, I did too.

Looking over her left shoulder she sped up the car and flipped on the turn signal to change lanes again on Park road, the incessant clickity clack clickity clack of the turn indicator somehow seemed louder than before and the rain was coming down harder now as we drove. Cancelling the signal once her lane change was complete Vicki cracked open her window and the smell of fresh air wafted into the cabin of the car.

I stared at the rain swept mountains, miles ahead of us and thought of the rainy weekend that Vicki and I had stayed in bed. We hadn't even dressed for two whole days.

She had made me breakfast and given me "service with a smile" , one of her favorite quotes. My ex-wife had never made me breakfast and I realized now in hind sight that my ex and I had never been in love to begin with.

Feeling the car slow down I looked up and realized that we were in front of my condo now. Vicki pulled a U - turn in the street and parked the car. Without saying anything she got out, she left the engine running I noticed. Leaning her back against the drivers door she lit a cigarette, the look in her face told me that she was wearing full armor now.

Looking at me for a long moment, she took a puff on the cigarette.

"I have a job with Health and Human Services waiting for me in California now and my girl friend has a spare room for me. I'm going to be very busy with moving this next week and I wont have time to see you any -..." Her sentence trailed off and she looked away.

I wanted to get this over with as fast as possible yet remain a gentleman in the process.

Walking toward her I took her hand and squeezed it gently, then looked into her eyes.

"Vicki, its ok, all I want is for you to be happy. You really can make a difference in peoples lives. Follow your heart, Ill be fine ."

I leaned over and kissed her half on the mouth and half on the cheek and said

"I love you Vicki - Gal"

Her armor fell away and she wiped a tear from the corner of her eye. Reaching up she put her hand on my cheek.

"Your a kind and gentle man, did you know that about yourself?"

"Let me know when you get there safely ok, Vicki?"

I turned and walked away with a lump in my throat.

Calling out my name I turned to look at her once more as she threw the cigarette in the gutter

"Youll be ok honey." she said.

I watched her drive away until I could no longer see her tail lights.

I never saw her again.

Vicky would be in her 70s now and most likely retired from the counseling job that she had studied so hard and so long for. I know that she helped a lot of people because that's who she was as a person.

As promised she had e-mailed me with the details of her journey and new life. Eventually the e-mails became less and less and shorter and shorter until she no longer answered them at all - her way of letting me down gently with love.

Turning 50 myself I no longer have any photos of Vicki but have thought of her often over the years since our romance. I feel her presence at times, perhaps when she thinks of me.

Maybe she had needed someone to help and in my moment of despair after my divorce I was somehow attractive to her in a way Ill never understand. Maybe Vicki saved my life. Maybe I was in love with her all along and only now realize it.