View From The Top

Kendra laughed at me – with a bit of sarcasm, I think, "I guess you don't mind the six hundred dollars we spent?"

Six hundred! Jeez, along with the money from the furniture store I was making a real investment here.

Nara threw her arms around me and gave me a close hug – yep, all woman! – and murmured, "Oh, Eddie! Thanks so much for everything. The apartment is precious and the clothes. I've never had anything this nice."

With another squeeze, she stepped back, blushing now. I don't think she had realized how tightly she was holding me. Kendra winked at me making me feel like a dirty old man. Well, hell, I wasn't that old.

We went to Scoma's and had one of their usual, delicious meals. We had a basket of calamari and grilled Petrale sole with some of their wonderful sourdough French bread. Kendra and I split a nice bottle of Gewürztraminer. My thirty years and Nara's not being able to drink any of the wine made me realize again just how young she was. And how old I was by comparison. Maybe I was an old man. But, dammit, I wasn't a dirty old man. Was I?

We were driving back to drop Nara off and then return Kendra to her car. I walked in with Nara to make sure she got the security code right and to walk her upstairs.

"Eddie, you have done so much for me. It's so nice."

With this she kissed me on the cheek and then backed away, a blush slowly spreading up her neck to her face.

"I'll pay everything back, I promise."

"Don't worry about it, Nara. Are you sure you are going to be okay?"

She nodded and I gave her one of my business cards with my phone number on it.

"Call me if you have any problems, okay?"

I drove on to my parking lot, let Kendra off and went on in to my houseboat. It had never seemed empty before but it did now. It was amazing to me how such a small girl – sorry, woman – could so fill up my home. I found a message to call Ceria, so I thought I'd better call her back and get it over with.

I phoned right away, knowing that if I didn't it would get harder and harder.

"Eddie, I'm sorry about how I acted, but I went crazy when I saw a girl in your place!"

I mentally corrected that to "woman," and asked her how she was doing.

She didn't buy my evasion, and asked, "Eddie, who was that girl?"

I hadn't wanted to get into everything and I particularly didn't want to get Nara's story out – I felt she was still in some danger.

"Ceria, she is just a friend that is going through some problems. She isn't here anymore. You just have to trust me that I've been faithful to you … just like you have been faithful to me." I added the last with a bit of an edge to my voice but I think it was wasted.

"Well," there was a long pause, "Why don't I come over tomorrow night. We can talk and go to Scoma's for dinner. I haven't been there for such a long time."

Great! I can have some more of that great petrale and sourdough bread!

I didn't think it was such a great idea but we did need to talk.

"Okay, Ceri, come over about six. We can eat and then come back and talk.

I went on to bed thinking about how my life had changed so much, so fast. I thought about Ceria and Dante. I didn't really know if they had done anymore than kiss but I wasn't thinking it made any difference. I sure wasn't one to share a woman and, yeah, we weren't married yet, and yeah, maybe they really hadn't done anything, but I felt an emotional distancing taking place between us. I saw it as a matter of trust and respect.

There had been too many instances of both Ceria and her father showing me in subtle and not so subtle ways that I didn't really command their respect. I assumed it was because I wasn't rich. Strangely enough, at least to me, her mom loved me. But the episode with Dante – even though she didn't know that I'd seen them – was an order of magnitude worse. That made it … personal.

Well, I'd wait and see what the next day had for me. I usually went to breakfast at Kendra's early – with everything going on I'd gotten behind in my work. I had a manuscript in final edit and I needed to give the publisher some feedback on my editor's final suggested changes.

About two in the morning the phone rang. I answered to the sound of silence. Trying to guess whether it was Ceri or Nara I listened for a minute and taking a chance, "Nara?"

With a sigh she replied, "I'm sorry for calling you. I tried not to."

"Are you okay, Nara?"

"Yes, I guess so. I heard noises but when I came downstairs it was just the refrigerator. I'm sorry for bothering you. I was just … scared I guess."

Poor kid. "Do you want me to come over?"

"Yes, Eddie, I do. But don't come. I'll be all right. I'm just lonely and scared a little."

I talked her for about fifteen minutes until I heard her voice getting sleepy. "Goodnight, Nara. I'll come over for breakfast."

"Goodnight, Eddie. And … thanks!"

It took a while to get back to sleep but when I did I slept straight through.

Nara was waiting for me with a big smile, jeans, a white sweater and an apron. The smile wasn't the only new thing. If I hadn't seen her in that black sheath dress the night before I'd swear she was sixteen. She looked so fresh and perky.

"Good morning, Sir. What would you like for breakfast?"

Pushing away those lecherous thoughts about saying, "You," I answered, "Oh, my usual I guess. Just tell Kendra I'm here."

I was the only customer so Kendra brought out my food and sat down, waving for Nara to join us.

"She's gonna work out real well, Eddie. She's smart and way too polite."

Nara blushed prettily at this, sipping on her coffee.

"Do you know, Eddie, that when you gave me the coffee that night it was the first time I'd ever had it before? This is good but yours was better, somehow."

I guess she didn't see me put the brandy in.

She continued, "Eddie, I hate to ask this, but until I get paid I don't have any money. I need some, well, personal stuff, and … oh, Eddie, I promise I'll pay everything back."

Embarrassed, feeling I knew more than I should; I slipped her a couple of twenties.

"I'll be busy tonight so I'll stop by sometime tomorrow." For some reason I didn't feel comfortable talking to Nara about Ceria.

Kendra gave me a knowing smirk and said, "Yeah, I just bet you will be."

Obviously she was remembering what I'd told her about Ceria and her visit.

I lingered over my coffee but, when a couple of customers came in and both Kendra and Nara got up, I figured it was time to go. I waved them a goodbye.

I spent the day wrapping up some administrative stuff. I went to the bank and deposited several checks, emailed my final comments on my most recent novel, "Vanquished Love," to the publisher and gave my agent, Jerry Cantfield, a call.

"Hey, Eddie. I was just getting ready to call you. I've got some interest in the civil war stuff in New Mexico you have been working on."

"That's great, Jerry. I think I've got it lined out for a great book. This ties together a lot of previous research and will be valuable to other scholars interested in how those two battles destroyed the South's hopes for winning the West."

"Uh, Eddie. I have a contract for a novel. There's twenty grand up front and since I know you don't need the cash, I've worked out a nice royalty deal. They are looking for a serious novel. They mentioned Edna Ferber's, "Cimarron" as an example of what they were looking for."

What the hell was he talking about? My serious writing is non-fiction. Everything else is this silly romance stuff.

"Eddie, you there? Listen, I'll send you my notes. But I have to tell you, they are looking for a quick commitment on this. They know about your Romance novels and like your writing style. I showed them the stuff you sent me on your research on those battles in New Mexico, what were they? Oh, yeah. 'Valverde,' and 'Glorieta Pass.' How soon can you get back to me, Eddie?"

Thinking fast, and making a quick change in my writing direction – I was tired of writing Romance novels – I asked him, "Jerry, how soon can they send me a check?"

I wrapped up the discussion and as I thought about it I started getting excited. I'd never thought about writing something like this but I knew I could do it and do a good job. Ideas were running through my head in a steady stream. I sat down at the computer and started making notes.

I saw the basic storyline as being about two brothers from Texas that fall in love with the same girl. She can't decide between them and the younger brother moves to Colorado to work on a ranch. They eventually meet on the battlefield. One of them lives to return to Texas and claim the girl. I figured I could tie in some of my "romance" expertise with a serious novel.

I knew how I wanted to end it but I wasn't even going to write that down. Focused on the story as I was, I didn't hear the soft knock at the door at first. When I did hear the follow-on tap on the doo,r I was irritated more than anything else. I knew from experience that out of my first, free flowing ideas, my best writing came.

Opening the door to shoo away the expected solicitor as I pointed to the large "No Soliciting" sign, I was shocked to see Ceria standing there. Muttering a hopefully unheard, "Oh, shit!" I opened the door and somewhat ungraciously waved her in.

"I'm sorry, Ceri. I got wrapped up in a new story and I forgot the time. Can you give me a minute? I need to take a quick shower."

Looking a bit delicious, she stepped up and gave me a steamy kiss, her tongue searching out the story of my life.

"Eddie, baby, do you want me to wash your back?"

We'd done that many times, shared the shower, that is, but I didn't want to go that way. I really did want to have a serious discussion of our future.

"Just give me a minute, Ceria. I'll be right out."

I rarely locked the bathroom door but this time I did.

When we got to the restaurant, the waiter, a guy that knew me well, gave me a knowing wink and a big smile and led me to the table.

"What was that all about?" Ceri asked.

"Uh, I guess he just wanted a big tip. Why don't you go ahead and order."

When the waiter came back, Ceria, of course … it was inevitable, asked the waiter, "Why don't we start with a basket of the calamari and some grilled Petrale sole for the entrée. Oh, bring us a basket of your great bread and a bottle of the Bouchaine Chard. It goes so well with the petrale.

Great! The whole meal had a sense of déjà vu about it. I picked at the food, my heart not really in it. I was able to pretty much go through another bottle of the Chardonnay. Great stuff!

Ceria kept trying to talk about us but I wasn't all that sure there was even an us anymore.

"Wait until we get back to my place. I've got a new bottle of cognac that you will like."

She should; her dad gave it to me.

We got back and Ceri made some cappuccino with the fancy machine she had given me for Christmas but was way too complicated for me to understand, and I poured the brandy.

Ceria opened with a salute, "To us!"

Damn. I reasoned that I might as well jump right in.

"Ceri, I'm not sure where we are anymore."

"Oh, has that floozy been here again?"

I sure didn't want to get into that.

"No, Ceri. This has nothing to do with anything but you, me … and Dante."

"Dante! What the hell are you talking about?"

"Ceria, at the party the other night, the special Valentine's party, that night I wanted to stay home and share our love. That night I saw you on the balcony with Dante, giving him a kiss that should only have been given to me."

"Oh, Eddie! Is that what this is about? Dante doesn't mean anything to me. It was just a kiss, after all."

"Well, Ceri, I watched that kiss. I saw how his hand slide down to your butt like it was home plate. I saw a kiss that spoke of a previous familiarity between you."

Well, it all came out then. Before I had met her she'd had a torrid affair with Dante that led to his divorce. Her dad had to get involved because it almost lost him one of his best customers in New York.

"But, Eddie, it didn't mean anything. I wasn't going to sleep with him or anything."

"You know, Ceri, I actually believe you. I really don't think you are low enough to do that to me. But you shared with him an intimacy that should only be shared with me. I've had too much disrespect from you and your dad. I know both of you think what I write is 'not appropriate work' for a grown man, and that your dad particularly doesn't feel that I have enough money for you."

"Oh, honey, you shouldn't feel that way."

"Ceri, something I wrote in one of my stories and that I think makes a lot of sense, is that 'Feelings are neither right or wrong, they just are.' And that is exactly how I feel so please don't denigrate my feelings."

We talked it over for a couple hours with me drinking more of the cognac than was good for me. At least I guessed that was why I woke up with Ceria's arm draped over my chest.

Ceria wanted to go to Kendra's place for breakfast. After some more discussion I convinced her to have some of my special Belgian Waffles. Damn, if she found out how much I had spent on Nara …

We finally agreed to kinda stay engaged but kinda not. That sounded ambivalent but I guess that's the way we were. She took the ring back but didn't put it on. Yeah, ambivalent. She did promise not to see Dante again.

Several days passed while I was really busy on ideas for my new novel. I was getting excited about it – excited in the way I never was with the romance stuff. I saw Nara a couple of times, mostly when I would stop by for coffee. She seemed to really be blossoming with the responsibility of her job. When the summer session started at the College of Marin in Kentfield, I helped her sign up and showed her how to take Marin County Transit to school. This was becoming way above and beyond mere friendship.

A few months after the Valentine's Day excitement, Kendra's husband, Mike showed up at my door. As soon as I opened the door I knew I could kiss off the six-pack of Sam Adams I'd been saving. Mike was a big man – he made me feel like the circus midget. I'd gone fishing with him a couple of times … no one had told me that he measured fishing success in the number of empty cans, not the number of fish. He had a prodigious appetite for beer.

He jumped right in (after I'd open him a bottle of beer), "About this mess of yours." My mess? "Based on the info you gave Kendra, I asked some buddies to put a stakeout on the house where this brother of Dayanara's lives."

He obviously ate at the restaurant regularly and probably knew Nara as well as I did.)

"I'm keeping her out of it but I understand they have identified the distributor. I just want you to know there is no way to keep Pablo from getting caught up in the net. He will probably go down for ten to twenty."

From what I had heard about him, they couldn't do enough bad things to him to make me unhappy.

"They are just watching to see who else shows up that they can tie into their network. I know you didn't want this to come back to her – she will not be involved in any way. When, and if, she reads about it in the Chronicle, all she will see is that a scummy drug dealer was busted."

We shot the shit for a couple of hours while he polished off my San Adams. I was trying to slowly sip on some nice single malt bourbon but I was more than a tad woozy when I went to bed. We parted with a promise to go fishing again as soon as we could.

Several months later it all came down and Pablo, et al were arrested. It was a front-page splash in the Chron, but as far as I knew, Nara never read the paper. I wasn't about to say anything.

I was floating through this really strange period. I was working on my new novel with a great deal of gusto, seeing Ceria more regularly than I wanted, and seeing Nara less often than I would like to.

She was a fixture at the restaurant and doing great with school. Every other week or so I would take her somewhere – I don't really know if she thought they were dates, but I thought of them as such.

A typical day was when I took her to Muir Woods and on up to the top of Mount Tam. She was awed with the huge trees of Muir Woods and stunned with the incredible view from the summit of Mount Tamalpais. On a really clear day like this we could see the snow-laden peaks of the Sierra Nevada. The drive up was a long switchback towards the ocean and an equally long switchback towards the bay. It was almost twenty-six hundred feet high and still chilly in the late April breeze.

She stood next to me and leaned into me in awe as she looked at the different vistas. Feeling her against me destroyed all kinds of vows. I'd made numerous promises to myself and Kendra to give Nara space and time to grow up. But the feel of her ripe body leaning against me was more than my will power could withstand. She was turning to look at San Francisco and turned right into my arms and lips. It was a long and serious kiss – passion exploded like a fire between us.

I was the one to finally pull back. She buried her head against my chest as I stared at the view, now blurred with tears and less majestic than the wonder of Nara's kiss. We avoided looking at each other as we made our way back to the parking lot and the long, slow drive back to her apartment atop the restaurant. When she got out – jumping out quickly before I could get out and open the door for her as I usually did – she gave me a smoky look with her dark brown eyes that melted my heart.

We both knew that something had forever changed between us.

I was continuing on, more halfheartedly than not, with Ceria. She stayed over once in a while. I was in the weird period of stasis … I knew we weren't going to wind up together but I didn't have the energy to make a clean break.

I had these strong feelings for Nara but I kept thinking I was too old for her. After the intensity of the kiss on Mount Tam, we both backed off a little. I liked to think I was showing my maturity and she was just plain scared … she had never felt anything that intense before.

I was really impressed with the way she took her debts seriously. She didn't make a lot but every week when she got paid she left a check on my mailbox for one third of what she made after taxes. I never got around to cashing them but that didn't deter her.

She tried to give another third to Kendra for rent but she wasn't as nice as I was – she just flat refused to take the money. Nara wasn't comfortable with that so she started putting another third of her salary in a savings account to give to Kendra some day when she wasn't so stubborn.

One night around nine there was a knock on my door. When I opened it, I saw Nara standing there, crying. She ran into my arms and held me tight – crying on the verge of being hysterical. I finally got out of her that she had been watching the news at the student union at the community college and saw the news about the trial of her brother. He had wound up with twelve years but what really upset her was that he would be at San Quentin, just a few miles away.

We sat on the small sofa and I comforted her as best I could. I was holding her tight as the sobbing gradually subsided. Everything was going fine until she looked up at me and with no transition we were kissing. There was an air of desperation about her and I had her sweatshirt off and my hand under her bra before I came to my senses.

I just held her as she started crying again, softly now. She fell asleep in my arms. I gently lay her down and covered her with a quilt. I went on to bed with very mixed feelings – the strongest of which was that I realized that I was more than a little in love with Nara.