Walking in Daylight Ch. 04

Except maybe he did.

Hadn't Ryan kept that picture of him? The one that showed him sitting on Matt Cameron's cock, head thrown back from the pleasurable feelings running through him. Nobody knew that his mind had replaced Matt's features for Ryan's. Pen hadn't ever really acknowledged it to himself until Ryan came back into his life and reminded Pen of his feelings.

That night, that wonderful night a month ago, Ryan had called him beautiful and had kissed him, even though Pen gave permission. It was all so confusing. His entire life was a big mass of confusion that consistently sent him down the wrong path. Pen decided that he would try to be as honest as he could with Ryan, and that meant that a confession was in order. Oh, not about the depth of his feelings, or anything like that, but about some other things, beginning with the note he'd left.

"Ryan, I'm sorry about the note I left you. It was unfair of me. I was just trying to protect myself. My luck with men, well my luck in general if I'm honest, is terrible and I'm so tired. When I found those pictures of me, I let my fears overwhelm me and judged you without having all the facts."

Ryan didn't answer until he'd parked the car in front of the duplex, leaving Pen to wonder what he would have to say. "I would never intentionally hurt you, Pen. I hate that you think you deserve the treatment you've received. It isn't right. You don't deserve it, nobody deserves it."

"What else am I supposed to believe? From my earliest memory, I've been beaten, humiliated and treated with scorn. My father was nice and understanding, but I only ever saw him a couple of hours a day, and he spent the majority of those hours trying to keep my mother away from me. Other than that, my cousins were wonderful when I would see them twice a year for a day or two each time. You were also kind, although sometimes two or three years could go by without our paths crossing." Pen stopped and left the car, silently inviting Ryan to follow. He waited until they were inside before starting again.

"I met Matt, the boy in the pictures, and he was nice enough. He was only visiting with my cousin, though. Little hints here and there and we discovered that both of us liked boys rather than girls. The visit was over before Benjie's threats came out. I never saw or heard from him again, although I didn't expect to. Then we moved to Rutherford."

Pen got some drinks before going on. Ryan tried to say something, as he had a few times before, and Pen waved him to silence. "Things were wonderful here in Rutherford in the beginning. While I was healing, the only place I really went was the doctor's office, and the weekly physical therapy sessions for my leg were right there. That's where I met Grant. We dated and he was kind and sweet, so very understanding. Until I told him I wasn't ready to...be intimate. Once I made it clear I wouldn't waver on that until I was ready, he turned mean.

"When I finally left him, or rather when I escaped him, I stayed home again with my father. Then I met Malcolm. Same thing, although by then I figured if I could learn to give a good blowjob, maybe he wouldn't mind so much. It was always the same thing, though, with Malcolm and everyone else I met after that. As kind and wonderful as they are in the beginning, when they realized it would proceed to the next level only atmy discretion and not theirs, it turned ugly. I stayed longer each time, waiting until I had enough money to get another place to stay. I really loved a few of those places, but I gave them up to avoid the hassle.

"Anyways, all that to say, I must deserve to be treated this way. There has to be something about me that pushes the people I let close, or who should be close, to turn to violence. My cousins stopped being nice when they learned the person in the photos, even though he remained anonymous, was someone they knew. They told me never to call again. The only person who's ever been consistently nice to me is you."

Ryan reached over and cupped his cheek. Pen closed his eyes and let himself feel the warmth. It wouldn't be too bad to just pretend for a bit, right? He should be able by now to take the good when it was available and still be prepared for when the soft caresses became to painful blows. Deep inside, however, Pen was afraid. Not afraid that the blows would come, but afraid that they wouldn't.

"From what you said, your father was also a good person for you to be around. He was always kind to you."

"Who do you think he attacked to break the binding?" Pen tilted his head and pointed out the two scars on the side of his neck. "He invited me to a restaurant only to jump on me and sink his fangs into my neck."

Pen didn't want to, but he forced himself to look directly into Ryan's eyes. Surely by now the man would realize that it was pointless to keep coming around and would leave. What he saw, however, made everything inside freeze. The golden eyes were blazing with disbelieving fury. Pen somehow knew that this time, the emotion wasn't directed at him. He didn't know HOW he knew, but he did. That anger was there for what had been done to him.

Desperate hope filled Pen up and for once, he didn't try to get rid of it. Ryan would never strike out at him. Ryan would never try to force him into that one act of sex Pen wasn't prepared for. If Ryan said it was Pen's decision, then it really would be. Pen experienced that certainty and mentally hugged it tight.

The alarm on his watch reminded him he needed to leave for work and he jumped to his feet. On the way to his room, Pen shrugged out of his shirt to exchange it for a plain white one. From behind him, he heard a short curse and turned to find Ryan on his feet, staring at him.

"What the hell happened to your back?"

Pen groaned as he realized Ryan would see the needle marks marching up his spine. "No, it's all right. I'm involved in one of the clinical trials down at MedLabs, that's all. It's a new vaccine, but during the tests they want to give very small amounts only, to keep any negative reactions down. That's why there are so many. Only about two or three left and then I'm done. It's fine, Ryan, don't worry."

He didn't know that there were bright red and black marks radiating out from each injection site. He didn't see how swollen said injection sites were. When Ryan pointed that out, Pen only shrugged and said the doctors would see in just a bit and would be able to tell him if it was normal or not. Ryan looked uneasy but dropped it and Pen gave him a bright smile.

His first smile in longer than he could remember.