Walter Gets Earth Day Ass BackwardsbySuperHeroRalph©
This is a Earth Day contest story. Please vote.
A modern man returns to his pioneering roots to celebrate Earth Day.
"What's all this?" Joan looked at the pile of camping equipment strewn all over the living room carpet, before looking at her husband with horror. "Are we going camping again? Please tell me we're not going camping." With her dark brown eyes suddenly flashing as if two burning campfires, she looked from him to the pile of camping equipment and back. "You know how much I hate camping. You know how much I hate bugs. You know how much I hate driving for hours, only for you to get lost and not stop to ask directions. Then we have a big argument and that puts a damper on our week there, only to return home in sleepless exhaustion and in silence. Besides, room service is my thing," she said with a smile, as if suddenly envisioning being pampered at a spa.
"Are you done?" Walter gave his wife an understanding smile.
"I can't go camping again, Walter. I just can't. It's too soon. I'm still not over our last camping trip we took ten years ago," she said with a pained look on her face.
She remembered Walter running through the forest screaming like a woman, when he thought he was being chased by a bear, but it was just a fawn. Then, she remembered Walter running through the woods and jumping in the river with angry bees biting him. He was the type of camper that took everything with him. If he could take his recliner and somehow hookup his big screen TV, he'd take that, too. Camping to Walter was hardly roughing it, but Joanie wanted no part of another camping trip with him.
"Now hold your horses, Joanie. First of all, we're not going camping, so to speak," said Walter with a little laugh. "We're not going anywhere. We're staying home. Okay?"
"Staying home? Okay," she said with a relieved smile. "So, you're finally going to sell all of this junk on Craigslist? Or have you sold it already and someone is going to haul all this crap away. Because with the money you get from this stuff, we really could use a new microwave and a new washing machine because--"
"Junk? As you well know by the high balance on our credit card, I only bought the best camping equipment," he said with pride. "Hell, it will take us another twenty years to pay off the balance," he said with a sad laugh.
"Yes, I do know that about you buying things we can't afford, which is why I cut up your charge card," she said with a victorious smile.
"I'll never sell any of this stuff. This is my man stuff," said Walter with a defiant air, while looking at his camping gear with pride. "These are the things that get me in touch with nature, bond me with my pioneering ancestors, and make me appreciate the great outdoors," said Walter waving his hand across all the camping equipment, as if he was showing a merchandise showcase on the Price Is Right.
"Man stuff? Pioneering ancestors? The great outdoors? It's a little early to be drinking, isn't it, Walter?"
"The strongest thing I've had this morning is coffee," he said.
"You don't know anything about nature. You hate camping and the great outdoors, as much as I do. Your people are from New York, Brooklyn and you never saw a tree until you were 11-years-old. In touch with nature and the great outdoors? You haven't used any of this stuff in ten years," said Joanie with a look of reality. "The closest you get to the great outdoors is when watching a Coors commercial."
"I like Coors beer. So?"
"Walter," she said with a patient, albeit condescending tone to her voice. "I don't want this to be an issue, but I'm not spending hours packing up the car and driving hundreds of miles to sleep in a tent, somewhere out in the woods, this weekend. I have better things to do, such as cleaning out drawers, ironing my clothes for the week, and organizing the kitchen shelves, all things that I hate to do, but would rather do than go camping. Now do you understand how much I hate camping?"
"Okay, Joanie, okay, I get it, I do, I really do, which is why we're using all this camping equipment tonight?"
"Tonight? What do you mean tonight? Why tonight? You just lied to me. You said we weren't going camping," she said looking at him, as if he was crazy. "And who goes camping at night? You can't go camping at night. The campgrounds are closed. They won't allow you in past a certain time."
"We're going camping tonight because, duh, tonight is Earth Day eve and tomorrow is Earth Day," he said with a look of enlightenment, as if she was supposed to automatically understand what the Hell he was talking about.
"Earth Day? Yeah? So? Since when do you celebrate Earth Day? You barely celebrated Valentine's Day."
"What do you mean? I gave you a Valentine's card, roses, and candy."
"You forgot to sign the car, which you routinely do, so that you can use the same card next year, you ate most of the candy, and the roses never bloomed and died the very next day," she said putting her hand on her hip with a big sigh. "The flowers looked frozen. They looked like they had been left out in the cold," she said giving him a knowing look. "Where did you get them from a cemetery?"
"Yeah, so, what if I did? The woman they were meant for isn't alive to complain," he said stuffing his hands in his pant pockets and giving her a shrug. "They jack up the prices for roses on Valentine's Day and there was no way I was paying double for the same flowers they'll sell tomorrow for half the price."
"Eww, I can't believe you gave me a dead woman's roses," she said wondering if he meant to be prophetic, hoping she'd die, too, when he gave her a dead woman's flowers. "What's wrong with you? Stealing flowers from a grave is just wrong on so many levels," she said waving her hands, as if they were two mini stop signs and making a face, as if she had just bitten into a lemon.
"Can we get over Valentine's Day and focus on my favorite holiday and the real holiday at hand, Earth Day," said Walter with a big smile. "I just love Earth Day. My one day to bond with nature."
"Your favorite holiday? Since when is Earth Day your favorite holiday? You said Thanksgiving was your favorite holiday, when you stuff yourself with food, before falling asleep on the couch from watching too much football and drinking too much beer. In the fifteen years we've been married, I don't ever remember you even mentioning Earth Day, never mind celebrating Earth Day, other than when you ogled those naked PETA models downtown. Then, that's all you talked about, not Earth Day, but naked PETA models. Besides, Earth Day isn't even a real holiday," said Joan looking at her husband, as if he was nuts.
"Oh, yes it is. Earth Day is an important holiday. And if it isn't, then it should be. We need to take, at least, one day to not only appreciate the planet but also to do something to save it."
"When the Hell is Earth Day anyway? Do you even know?"
"I told you. It's tomorrow. Friday, April 22nd."
"If Earth Day was a real holiday, Walter, you'd have the day off from work."
"I do," he said grinning from ear to ear.
"Without having to call in sick," she said returning his wide smile with sarcasm.
"Okay, I did call in sick, but celebrating Earth Day by communing with nature is important to me. I need to enjoy the day by breathing in the fresh, clean air. I need to gaze up at the stars for their guidance. I need to--"
"You need to act normal, Walter. We live in the city. There isn't any fresh, clean air to breath and with all the street lights and neon signs, the only stars you'll be seeing are the ones I'll be giving you with my cast iron frying pan, if you think I'm going camping with you again. Besides, since when is Earth Day important to you, anyway?"
"Since now, when I want to get back in touch with nature by exploring the great outdoors with you, my wife, the love of my life," said Walter smiling at Joanie and taking her hand and kissing it, as if he was about to propose again.
"Oh, Walter, you're such a romantic goof," she said with stars in her eyes.
"I need to reconnect with my roots and honor my ancestors by how they once lived, when they first came to this country. I need to survive off the land and forage through the forest for my food," he said, as if dressed as an Indian and standing on stage at an Earth Day play.
"Romance aside, let me get this straight, you want to get in touch with nature and explore the great outdoors, by living in a tent, while foraging through the forest for your food?" She laughed. "Walter, your relatives weren't Indians. They were Irish immigrants. Your relatives came here by boat from Ireland during the potato famine and landed on Ellis Island. Once allowed in the country, they never left Brooklyn, except for your aunt Helen, who lives in Scarsdale. We lived in Brooklyn most of our married life, that is, until we moved to the suburbs."
"Yeah, well, then, I'm talking about those other Americans, the ones not really related to me by blood but who are part of me in kindred spirit. I'm talking about those who explored the vast prairies and built their homes on land that was given to them by the government," said Walter with his head raised as high as his arms. "Maybe not my ancestors, so much, as someone else's ancestors," he said suddenly looking a bit discombobulated and defeated, "but we're all connected as Americans, just the same. We all share the same history under the Constitution and the Bill of Rights."
"Oh, brother. Okay, I'll bite," said Joanie giving him a tired look, while not wanting to ruin his little Earth Day fantasy. "What's with all the camping equipment then, if we're not going camping, if you're not selling any of it, and if we're staying home and not going anywhere? I don't get it. What are we doing with all this stuff? Why is all this camping gear strewn all over my living room? I need to vacuum, Walter, which would be nice if you vacuumed once in a while."
"Well, in a personal and private way, we are going camping," said Walter squatting down to go through some of the camping gear, while ignoring her request to vacuum the living room carpet.
"Walter, I told you. I'm not driving for hours to go to some campground that doesn't have a clean restroom and that has perverts watching me and taking nude photos and video of me to post on the Internet, while I shower," she said flipping back her long, dark brown, lush hair. "Oops."
Even though it was ten years ago, she turned red with the sudden realization of all that she now confessed. Playing her sexy game, she remembered all of her body that she showed then, while posing and pretending that she didn't know that she was being watched, photographed, and videotaped.
"What are you talking about? When did that happen to you?" He looked at her first with concern, then with sexual excitement. "Did that really happen to you? Did someone post nude photos of you on the Internet, while you were showering?"
"Never mind, Walter. Forget I even said anything about that. Knowing you, you'd want to go watch the video."
"Video? Seriously? There's a naked video of you online? You bet your ass I want to watch that video. Oh, my God. That would be so hot."
"Later. Focus Walter, focus. We were talking about driving for hours to a campground to camp out in the great outdoors, so that you can reconnect with your ancestors and honor your roots or something like that, by living in a tent and foraging through the forest for your food. Right? Is that the gist of it?"
"Ah," he said taking a deep breath. "I can already smell the fresh air, see the scenic panoramic views of the landscape, and revel in the fauna and the flora."
"That's just my room deodorizer. I bought the pine scent," said Joanie. "I think the chemical fumes of the deodorizer are getting to you because, if you inhaled like that outside, you'd cough up a lung from inhaling smog and pollution. I wasn't sure about this brand, but they were having a special, a bogo sale, you know, buy one and get one. My sister said--"
"Are you done?"
"We don't have to drive to where we're going, Joanie."
"We don't? You mean, we're flying? You're finally taking me to Hawaii? Oh, Walter, I don't care if I go camping there on the side of a volcano, so long as I'm in Hawaii. I need to buy a bathing suit, a bikini. Oh, my God. I can't believe this. What time is it? I have to call my sister to stay with the kids."
"We're not going to Hawaii, Joanie, and we're not flying anywhere."
"We're not? Then, why did you say we were going to Hawaii?"
"I didn't. You did."
"Then, where are we going, Walter?"
"The Outback? In Australia? You're kidding? Oh, my God! Oh, my God! We're going on a cruise to Australia? Oh, Walter, that's way better than Hawaii," said Joanie jumping up and down, before throwing her arms around his neck and giving him a kiss.
"I just watched Oprah take 300 people to Australia. I couldn't believe all the celebrities that are from Australia, Nicole Kidman, her husband, whatever is his name, Russell Crowe, Hugh Jackman, and that little blonde, Olivia Newton-John," she said pulling away from him to excitedly pace around the living room.
"What's the weather like there this time of year. We'll need bug spray, a net, and a fly swatter. I heard there are lots of bugs, spiders mostly, and snakes. I hate--"
"Joanie. Stop. Wait. Hello? Calm down. We're not going to the Australian outback."
"We're not? They why did you say we were? You shouldn't tease me like that, Walter. It's been years, since we've had a proper vacation. We don't go anywhere and do anything anymore."
"I didn't say we were going to Australia."
"You certainly did. You said we were going to the Outback."
"I didn't. You said we were going to the Outback." He gave her a smile.
"Where are we going then, if we're not going to Hawaii, if we're not going to Australia, and if we're not going camping?"
"I didn't say we weren't going camping. I did say that we didn't have to drive to get there."
"I don't understand, Walter, when you use a double negative like that in a sentence by saying that you didn't say we weren't going camping, I don't know if we're going camping or not going camping."
"Are you done?"
"Yes, but, just tell me please. Where the Hell are we going, Walter?"
"We're going out back," said Walter pointing to the backyard.
"Out back? The backyard?" She looked at him, as if he was nuts. "You've got to be kidding me. You're taking me camping in the backyard? I should have known. The last of the big spenders," she said looking out the kitchen door at the backyard, before looking up at the neighbors' windows. "What are we kids? The kids camp out in the backyard. The neighbors will see us. They'll laugh at us."
"No they won't. The neighbors won't see us. I have a tent and it's green. From their angle, between the leaves on the trees and the lawn, they won't even see our tent."
Walter spent the afternoon erecting his campsite. He pitched his tent and, needing to dig a hole anyway, that he'd use for the flowerbed later, he dug his hole for the campfire. He even made seating by stacking and arranging logs from the woodpile for them to sit around the campfire. Then, without using matches, taking lessons from the Survivor reality TV program, he started a campfire by rubbing sticks together. Once the fire started, he cooked a supper of beans and franks. Hidden from view by the trees, when he pitched his tent, the neighbors' view was totally blocked. All they saw was green and the smoke from the campfire.
"If I didn't know this was our backyard, Walter, I'd think we were at a campground," said Joanie stepping outside. "You did a good job," said Joan walking around the backyard and looking at everything. "I see you must have foraged through the forest, I mean, the backyard for those beans and franks, huh? I didn't know we had a bean and frank bush back here," she said with a laugh.
"Ha, ha, very funny," he said eating his beans. "Want some?"
"No, that would give me wicked gas. Let's go inside now. It's getting cold," said Joanie rubbing her arms. "I need some coffee."
"Go inside? No, we can't just go inside. If we were living outdoors, our indoors would be our outdoors," said Walter grinning. "In celebration of Earth Day, for tonight, Earth Day eve and for tomorrow, Earth Day, this is our home, the great outdoors.
"Well, then, Daniel Boone, just let me go inside to get my sweater," she said heading for the back door.
"I put your sweater in the tent, Joanie," said Walter getting the sweater for his wife.
"Okay," she said putting on her sweater. "That's better."
"In celebration of Earth Day, in getting back to how people lived before condos, townhouses, and planned, cookie cutter neighborhoods with homes that look the same, as all the other houses on the block, we're sleeping out here tonight in this tent."
"I still need my coffee, Walter. You know how I get, when I don't have my caffeine fix."
"I have the coffeepot right here for you to make coffee on the campfire," he said holding up his Coleman coffeepot, "and I have a jug of water, too."
"Okay, but I'm not sleeping out here, Walter. I'd freeze to death," said Joanie wrapping her arms around herself.
"No you won't. I have a sleeping bag."
"And where's my sleeping bag?" Joanie looked inside the tent.
"It's a double. We can cuddle. I'll keep you warm, baby," he said with a wink, while grabbing her around the waist and pulling her towards him to give her a hug, a hump, a squeeze, a kiss, a feel, and a tickle.
"Oh, no," said Joanie pushing away from him. "I'm not sleeping in a sleeping bag with you, especially after you just ate a plate of beans," she said. "The fumes in such a confined space would be deadly. The coroner would find my dead body in the morning and declare that the cause of death was from your toxic farts."
She had watched Walter eat a plate of beans and franks, as if he was sitting around a campfire, after being on a wagon train and having stopped to rest on his way to a land grab or a gold rush. She knew how deadly beans were to his stomach and to her nose.
"Very funny, Joanie. I'll have you know that haven't passed gas in the fifteen years of our marriage, but I promise, if I need to pass gas, I'll go outside the tent. Okay?"
"Fifteen years my ass. You mean, you haven't passed gas in fifteen minutes. You're always farting. If a scientist could bag, contain, and house all of your daily farts, we'd have our own nuclear weapon, Walter's weapon of mass destruction. The federal government would give us aid for you not to use your weapon, Walter's Fart Bomb, against them."
"Are you done?"
After making coffee on the campfire, having had something to eat, and talking and laughing, the impromptu camping trip in the backyard wasn't so bad. Actually, it was refreshingly fun. Finally getting to see all the stars out at night, instead of sitting in front of the boob tube and zoning out, with the soft glow of the campfire dying down, if it was anything, it was romantic.
"See? You're having a good time, aren't you, Joanie?"
"Actually, Walter, I am. This was fun. If camping could always be as enjoyable, than I'd love it. I forgot what it's like being outside. Before we were married, when we didn't have any money to go anywhere or to do anything, we use to have a picnic or drive to the coast and sit and watch the ocean for hours."
"Yeah, those were some of our best times together," said Walter putting his arm around her and giving her a hug and a kiss.
"Even though we still don't have the money to go anywhere or do anything, now, even though I just go from work to the car and from the car to the house, being out here with you feels like a mini vacation," she said patting his knee, before he took her hand and placed it on the bulge that tented his pants. "I'm glad I called in sick to celebrate Earth Day with you, Walter. Thank you," she said giving him a kiss and his cock a squeeze. "This was one of the nicest evenings I ever had with you."