Warrior: The Beginning

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"Is everything to your liking?" Shake my head then wave my hand around.

"There is no kiln." He grins then.

"We use magic, the anvil heats the metal placed atop to hammer." Look around again then grin, I will like this.

"Then it is to my liking, may I see your dagger?"

He does not look so happy at that but does hand it over. I look it over and as I thought, it is thin enough to split. The rest of it though is superb workmanship and I think I can keep the lightness of the dagger along with strengthen it. Look at it a little closer and notice the handle is fitted to the blade, not one piece.

Not exactly the strongest of makes, but for a dagger it is enough. So I work on extricating the blade from the hilt then make my way over to one of the smelting dips. Dropping the blade in I can't help the smile when it starts to melt immediately. Needing a little more steel I fish out the smaller bit of bar and feel for a moment, more than I need so retrieve my ax.

Setting the bar piece down I heft the ax and drop it cutting the piece in half with one hand. This is adequate sized so drop that in with the blade and swish it around to make sure it all melts. Then realize I don't have a mold for this, but there are materials I can make a one use mold with so split a hunk and fashion out the form I need.

All guesswork but I did see the blade and how it fit in the handle. The tenfada with me does not look exactly happy and there is another here now. They are having a conversation as I cut out the form of the dagger with the added strengtheners. That part at least is simple, just thickened the blade in the middle.

Finished finally with the forming I fit the two pieces back together and look around for a holder. Don't have one though is of no concern, the excess will come out the sides is all. Procuring the heavy gloves out of my sack I get the smelting dip and set by the one use mold. Get to go back in my sack for a funnel that I set atop the mold.

Pour the smelted metal into the mold until it is staying at the top of the funnel then set the dip aside and pull out the funnel. That done I press the mold tighter together and am reward with an excess running out the top. Also have a little coming out the side closest to me, which I knew would happen. Not a big concern at least, the gloves will keep my hands from burning.

Both are watching with wide eyes while I keep holding the mold. Takes a while but finally the metal has cooled enough I can let go.

"What did you do?" Look at the other surprised that he knows my language then remember the spell.

"I made a stronger dagger for him, just as hidden I promise. If wish can use to make a permanent mold and make more of them." He tilts his head to the side then grins.

"Definitely will like having you at my smithy. Can you do the same with an ax?" Nod and frown realizing they want lighter and longer handle.

"Will take much steel, they wish lighter with just as much strength to a cut. Same design as that one with one blade." He nods and goes over to and looks then gasps.

"It is one piece of metal." Nod and smile.

"Papa was not happy with design but swears he was paid well for the fifty I made. Made another for the tenfada that is hopefully coming soon. Is the first I made to make the mold for the rest." He nods and looks around then turns to the other tenfada.

"Shall retrieve more of the temporary mold and permanent." The other nods then he is off so I look around and do have some leather lengths so smile.

Drop one bar and the remains of the cut up bar in the dip and while that is melting look around. I do have a proper place to drop smelt and make a sheet so retrieve another bit of the temporary and make up the handle. To go with this I add in the pinions that the leather will fit around. That done I go to pour in the smelt then realize I can do something else with another bar.

Smiling I drip a length on the sheet platform and drop in another bar. That done I retrieve my smaller hammer and hammer the sheet out so it is long and thin. It is too long for the mold I have done but easy enough to remedy so pull out the snip. Snip in half then take over to the anvil so I can hammer a little flatter.

About then I realize the sheet cooled rather quickly so I'm all smiles. Need to move fast to do sheets but once it is formed right can move on. Once the sheet is to the desired thickness I stamp out holes at one end. Taking the cuts I work them together and make two pins. Once these are fitted to the sheet to satisfaction I take over to the sheet platform and leave there.

Metal cools fast on there so is a better method then drop in water. Does not always hold together when drop in red hot. Once the strip is cooled to not be glowing so much I drop in the bucket with the small splash and bubbling. All smiles at this so then pull out and fit around the mold before pulling tight as can.

Pins fitted to holes I let go and it stays just like I set it. That done I fit the funnel and pour in the required smelt for what I have. The tenfada still here is watching raptly, would assume the other asked him to at some point. Still, I have everything I need done before I get to the sheet so I go pour out enough for the sheet, then retrieve my big hammer.

This takes a while and is quite loud, fairly sure is drawing attention of most while I hammer out the sheet. Once I have the sheet, great big sheet and it is cooled to where I need to heat again, I take it to the anvil. Find this anvil is wonderful, heats up the metal rather quickly so using my small hammer I work the metal around and bend it over itself. Do this four times before the smith that was here returns.

"What are you making?" Look over at him quick then go right back to the folding.

"I am making a shield for me. Have done this before, once I finish it will take much to puncture it."

"It can stand up to one of our bows?" Nod and giggle at his expression.

"We make crossbows under the mountain, they do not puncture one of my shields. They take longer to make without this wonderful magic so had to prove them to be worth it."

Metal to a size I wish for my shield I go over to the molds. Peel open the knife and find plenty of extra metal so snip the excess off and this goes into the dip. Move to the handle and pinions and get it open to find a little extra so that goes in the dip then snip the parts so they are free of each other. Take the dip and the pieces over to the anvil.

Am watched with rapt attention as tilt the dip to touch one of the pinions then fit that to the shield. Affix the second pinion in a spot I judge to be good for my arm then get the handle on. That done I take it over to the sheet platform to cool down. While it is doing that I fit my arm across to fit the placement and find I am right on.

When I turn around the Majesty is here so smile at her. She smiles in return then spots my shield and comes over.

"You made this fast."

"The magic helps greatly. No pauses to reheat. Under the mountain I can make one of these every two days, one day if I don't stop." She nods then looks at me oddly for a moment.

"How long can you keep going?"

"If need be I can go up to a week without sleep."

"Do you make the armor the same way?" Shake my head and giggle.

"Armor is faster to make, also heavier. The shield is proof against most of the dangers under the mountain and outside of it. Don't need the armor the same way though it will stop everything short of a dragon."

"Is the shield done?" Shake my head.

"Need to smelt a little more to put a border on it. Otherwise the shield may split under duress or age. Designed these forty years ago, my first shield is still in use. Once I learned how to smith Papa let me be off and on to work on improvements. Shields were my first and highly loved by patrol, one carries one of each group." Majesty has a slack jaw again so giggle.

"How old are you?"

"Eighty one, I was a year slow in developing sexually."

"Oh my, there are so many things I should ask, though I think I would like to know if you wish to retire with me." Smile and nod.

"I would like that."

Collect my shield and pour water on it, it is cooled but still hot to the touch. Does not matter if the shield is cool or hot when adding the border so I wet it down and take it with. Would prefer someone not walking off with the shield. Not that I think there is a danger of that though the smith is interested in it.

If he tries to do much of anything with it right now he can weaken the connection. That would make for a weaker shield. All of my things collected I follow Majesty into the building. The smith is going over the blade I made for the other tenfada. He has already started with cleaning the metal of extra so I know he will have a permanent mold done up soon.

Get lead through to a bedroom, at least it eventually becomes one. There is an outer room with something magical. I felt something as I walk in to it then am through, and she is gawking at me again. After a moment she rolls her eyes then opens the inner door to a sitting room. There are some nice chairs, an ottoman, some book shelves and plenty of art work.

Just look around at this a moment. I admit it I'm impressed with her bedroom then we are moving through another door. This is the bedroom and well dang, big bed. She smiles at me then goes over to another door and opens it. I move to look at her beckon and find a toilet rather like the ones we have under the mountain.

About then realize it can't be the same. We are on the second floor and an agen will move after people. They don't eat stone, at least not at a speed those of alive now need worry about and some have been under the toilets for a thousand years.

"How do you get the droppings to the agen?" Get stared at for a little bit there.

"What is an agen?"

"It is a denizen of under the mountain. They are almost clear and acidic, no intelligence to speak of and taking a part makes for a second. We put them under our toilets, big cavern is dug out then covered up except for the toilet hole."

"How do you keep them there?"

"As I said no intelligence to speak of, drop them in and use the toilet, they have food, we do not have waste everywhere. They also are unable to climb. I do not know if it is true but it is said that the tenfada go along every century to drop a powder in to keep them small enough."

"I am slightly jealous, we have pipes that take the waste to a central vat where either magic or powder removes. Depends greatly on whom one asks on this, I never really cared so long as it works." Snort and giggle at that then get ushered to the bed.

We each remove our clothes, mine gets folded on a chair sitting in here for unknown reasons. Her clothes end up on the floor and left, one would assume someone comes along and takes them to be washed. There are a number of dressers in here so she must have plenty of clothes. Then we are getting under the covers and she snuggles up to me, this is new.

"What are you going to do when we get up?"

"Finish the shield, do up the ax for your warriors and get to work on armor for me." She nods then frowns.

"My smith is supposed to be doing up metal cups."

"I can make one and we then make a mold for it. Needs to be a three piece mold but there is no need for a funnel. The third piece goes on after filling. How I came up with the shield, Papa had told me how he made wine cups, needed to fold the metal over to do the first one and that first one ended up very sturdy."

"He showed you how to make one?"

"Yes, they were quite nice, the cup part is about this big." I show with my hands. "Then under is a stem that looks a bit like a gnarly root and then extends out to support the cup on a table."

"Does it have to be steel?" Snort and giggle.

'The first one was simply because it was to make the mold. Partly why it is so sturdy, the rest of them were made with silver."

"What about with gold?" Ponder that one then shake my head.

"Gold is not a strong metal, need to combine with another metal. Usually silver is used though there are other fancy metals that work." Majesty is smiling at me now, I think I know what we will make those cups out of so put up my hand. "Need one pound gold and half pound of silver for each two cups."

"I have enough."

She moves up and kisses me, well I like that and did say I would lick her. So roll us over during the kiss. Once that ends would move all the way down to lick her, but she wants me to kiss her body. Strange but well why not, I am new to this and she seems to have done it before so I kiss at her neck, then junction of her shoulder and neck.

Have her squirming about under me and smiling so I think I am doing it well. Move farther and kiss at her chest before moving up one breast, she did push me that way. At the top of her breast I take her nipple in my mouth like a baby would and suckle. The reaction is odd, her hips bounce up beneath me and there is a moan.

Grinning I move to the other breast and repeat that to get a similar reaction. Then down her body more, her stomach is trembling as I am kissing at it. At her cunt I lick along the outside and find a protrusion at the top, same place as my sensitive spot. Also has her bouncing a bit when I licked there.

Reaching with one finger I part her lips and slide inside pulling a moan then trembling. Can feel her gripping on my finger in a rather rhythmic fashion. Takes me a second then realize I did the same thing on the cock inside of me when I reached orgasm. So I got her off already, grinning a bit at that I drop a little lower to lick at her and get fluids.

The fluids are rather tasty so I go back for more. Even pull my finger out to get at her lips better. Just lick for a few seconds then fasten on and suck, seems to feel good, and am getting plenty of fluids, because she is bouncing around now. Putting my finger back in gets her to reach orgasm again, so put in a second.

Now I have her bouncing around with two fingers. Seems to take some getting used to since at first she groans and I think there was a pained sound. After a few seconds though she is bouncing on my two fingers so I pump them and lick at her protrusion. Doesn't take long and she is practically wailing with her orgasm.

Once it subsides she isn't moving much so I figure she has had enough. Lick some more first, she tastes good and may as well not waste those fluids. She is whimpering by the time I finish licking what is leaking out so move up her and get a kiss. Thinking she likes lying on me I pull her over into me like she was to start, and we just lie there for a bit then she looks up.

"I'm not sure I want to try your tenfada." Snort and giggle.

"It is worth it I think. Not that a burada can complain but we are also drawn to a tenfada, any really. I get excited standing next to one here, there being touched by one made me want to take my clothes off and spread. Would have if Salen had asked."

"How much control would he have over you?" Shrug and sigh.

"I don't know exactly, I know that once a burada has spread the tenfada she spread for is all she thinks about, his wants and desires so I would think most. Salen has promised we will be warriors together and he knows how good I am at smithing."

"So even if he has to say what you do, you would keep smithing?" Nod and smile.

"Enjoy smithing and want to be a warrior. He said once he is out we will get together and then find mercenaries to join, his training would be sought after and hiring me would be part of it. I also know that a burada is not brain dead, we still have our own thoughts, just fixate on our tenfada."

"So you are all happy under the mountain?" Nod and smile.

"Yes, I only left because I would not continue doing smithing even. I enjoy that, being a warrior is just something I think I can do, smithing I know I can do." Majesty sighs then snuggles up close with me.

"Doesn't sound that nice to me, but I didn't grow up with it either. Let's get some sleep." Giggle a little then we settle down to sleep.

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AnonymousAnonymousover 8 years ago

The way the tenfada and burada talk throws me off but by page 3 it's something you get used to. I like this story, it's a good world you're building up. Good (and creative) idea for making it a decidedly foreign world while also making sense. Loved the agen.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 10 years ago
Emap, please do not so easily dismiss feedback

I found this narrative quite difficult to follow. At first I thought the intent was broken English through use of first-person narrative. The best published example I could think of was "Pygmy" (http://www.amazon.com/Pygmy-Chuck-Palahniuk/dp/0307389812); please have a 'look inside' and read to illustrate my point. It's possible that's what you were going for, but your other submissions read the same. Additionally, your comments are written with the same erroneous sentence structure. People here are trying to provide you with feedback, but you shouldn't dismiss them as merely 'haters'. There is a common trait in your public feedback of poor grammar and awkward dialogue that should raise a flag.

Contrary to Biscuit86, I don't believe playing around with narrative style will fix the issues with this piece. First person can be an effective way of conveying emotion

I'm pretty sure there's a good story in here, but it's getting lost in translation. The first three comments were a little harsh, but no less untrue. Your narrative really needs cleaned up. And based on your own responses, I would say this: Be careful comparing the quality of your work to other submissions on this site. Ever heard the expression "In the world of the blind, the one-eyed man is king"? People come here looking for and submitting amateur erotic literature. Like it or not, the voting is a reflection of a story's erotic factor rather than literary marksmanship. When you raise the bar and start comparing your work versus renowned authors, your work will improve.

Biscuit86Biscuit86over 10 years ago
Narration style

Hello :)

You have a voice which is obvious by the amount of submissions you've written! I was like wow! I read someone earlier suggested you find an editor? Well I think it would be easier for you to just play around narratorial style. Most books and written in third person, or first person pov. Point of view. First person, helps to give a sense of action as it's taking place, but third gives it a more omni presence. Kind of like taking something 1D, and making it 3D.

It's really simple to do. Just change your personal pronouns, (I) in to (he/she) and then put into past tense. She went down. This might not be what you're going for, but I think it would help get your ratings up.

Off course ignore this if it's unwelcome.

Good luck. :)

UpHillAllUpHillAllalmost 11 years ago

I liked your story. It has a very nice plot and that's why I recomend you try to find an editor.

Anyway even if you don't edit it, I will be looking forward for the next chapter. After all this is the place for beginers and amateurs and our expectations should be less profesional.

Thanks for witing and sharing.

pentheswordpentheswordalmost 11 years ago

Not sure how saying the dialogue needing work is the equivalent of running home to mommy, but it was stilted and sounded overly formal and forced. I did send some more detailed feedback via email as well.

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