Was I Man Enough?

What was happening? In my head I started to hear echoes of that fateful afternoon three years earlier.

"Why didn't you give me a clue as to what you were thinking," she said. "If you had, I could have tried to prepare you for the reality of my life so much better."

She sighed then said, "The answer to your question is yes I do want to marry you, but..." And she stopped me from saying anything. "The question really should be will you want to marry me after I tell you about myself?"

"I don't understand what is it about you that could make you think I could change my mind?"

"What do you think I do here?"

"I only know what you've told me. You're a partner in this firm of marriage guidance counsellors."

She sighed again, and said softly to herself "Ohh, god, why did I ever agree to that damn non-disclosure clause in my contract."

"Daniel, I've never lied to you but there's a lot about what I do in this office that will upset you. I'm not supposed to talk about this without the rest of the partners approval, but I don't care this is too important."

She took my hand in hers and squeezed hard. "Please remember this, I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. But I'm not sure you will love me after I explain what it is I do here. And I don't want hurt you."

She stared at me intently, looking to see my reaction to her words. "You are right, we are a marriage guidance practice. But that's not why what most of my clients are referred to me. Most of mine are referred for physical relationship problems in all their different forms."

"I don't see the difference," I said. My confusion was growing. What difference did it make that she was a relationship counsellor rather than a marriage counsellor. And why did she think I wouldn't want to marry her?

Shit, the echoes of rejection were rattling in my mind and the deep sense of dread was growing in the pit of my stomach.

She looked at me and squeezed my hand, "You need to understand that there are lots of different types of relationship issues. Each of us in the firm concentrated on a different type. Mike is one of the best at patching up marriages where one or both of the partners has been in some form of adulterous relationship. Sally has put so many dysfunctional relationships back together. And I, well I look after the clients with sexual problems."

She gestured at the diplomas hanging on the walls of her office. "I've spent over ten years to reach this point in my career; I've two degrees and a Ph.D. in behavioural science. I am an IPSA qualified sex surrogate, and I love my job."

I stared at the diplomas on the wall as I didn't want to look at her as I spoke, "I don't understand, I'm not asking you to stop working."

"You will when you understand what I'm trying to tell you."

I still wasn't sure where this was going, so she helped couples who had sex problems. No, hang on a moment she didn't say couples, she said clients and she's a sex surrogate whatever that is.

With a quiver in my voice I asked the question I'm not sure I wanted her to answer, "Just how do you help them with their problems?"

"Are you sure you really want to know?"

I nodded; I didn't trust my voice. She held my hand and brought it up to her lips a kissed it.

She spoke softly but firmly as though she was giving a lecture. "It really depends on what is the problem is. Some of the time it's just a case of understanding a set of deep rooted inhibitions and then helping the effected person get past it."

"It's often the case that physical problems such as premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction have a psychological or emotional component. It's rarely just a physical problem. Even if it began with a physical issue, we have found that the effects of the problem on a man can be emotionally difficult. The combination of therapy and physical sessions are enormously helpful in making progress with it."

"That doesn't sound too bad, why are you so worried about what I'm going to think?" I asked.

"Ohh, god, Daniel, this is hard for me because there's no simple way to say this. Our treatment involves sessions with a therapist, that's me, and work with a surrogate, usually that's my assistant who's also a professional sex surrogate. But for the more difficult cases I often take both roles as I'm also a qualified sex surrogate."

My thoughts were rattling around my head and the feeling of nausea was growing. And I didn't want to understand, that was the problem. I knew I loved her, and I didn't want to lose her the way I'd lost Liz. Because what I think she's telling me is that she sleeps with her clients and if that is true ...

She looked at me sadly, "But I'm scared you will hate me when you understand what I'm trying to tell you. Please remember I love you."

She took a deep breath, "A lot of the cases that get referred to me are because the husband or boyfriend is sexually inadequate."

Oh Christ, has she been comparing me the same way?

"Premature ejaculation is one of the most common problem, erectile dysfunction another. A lot of couples get referred as the husband has a complete lack of understanding about how to sexually satisfy their partner. And those are just the most common types."

I listened to what she was saying from behind a vail of mist. She must have seen my incomprehension as she took my hands in hers.

"Daniel, do you understand what I'm trying to tell you. In these examples I work with men, mentally, emotionally, and physically to teach them to control their premature ejaculations, to resolve their PE, or how to give pleasure to a woman. Some of the time I do it, other times I'll work with a sexual surrogate."

"What....what do you do with them?" There was a heaviness that was settling in my stomach as she tried to talk to me.

There were tears running down her cheeks, "You don't really want to know, just leave it that I help them, but I only love you."

I shook my head, "I'm sorry, but I do need to know, to understand just what it is you do with them?"

Please tell me it's not true.

She sighed and then in a low monotone almost clinical voice said, "I start by showing them how to pace their masturbation, how to draw the orgasm out. But at some point the surrogate or I will have sex with them, to teach them the techniques they'd will need to prolong the act. Other times I will let a client touch me, to show them exactly what they need to do to arouse their partner. I try not to but I can't stop my body responding."

She looked at me and said in a pleading tone hoping that I was understanding her. "I can't tell a client that sucking a woman's clit or finding the G-spot will turn them on, and then just lie there while they practice on me and not get aroused. It doesn't mean I don't love you, it just means I'm trying to help my clients."

I heard what she was saying; I don't know if she said what she did to shock me or just point out the realities of her work. What I did understand was that all the time we'd been together she'd been performing sexual acts on other men. She didn't love them but she'd still done them.

But there was another voice echoing loudly in my head. Liz was screaming at me after I walked in on her and her lover. "You fucking looser; you never were any good in bed. I've had to fake every orgasm I've ever had with you. Get out you pathetic creep, I want to be fucked by a real man." I'd turned on my heel and walked out of the bedroom.

I stood up; I needed to find the bathroom to throw up. I fumbled with the first of the doors and stumbled into a bedroom. Oh fuck it was like déjà vu, at least the bed was made and not full of rutting lovers. I threw up into a waste bin by the side of the bed, heaving until there was nothing left. Mia held me as I shook, I knew I said something but I can't remember what it was.

She led me back into the office. She fetched a wet towel from the bathroom that was hiding behind door number two and wiped my face. Christ, what was I going to do, I loved her so much it hurt, but could I live with a woman who would be coming to my bed, fresh from the one in the adjacent room.

I need time to think, to collect my thoughts. I managed to say, "I love you Mia, more than anything but I have to go away. I need some time to think." I placed the ring and the key on its chain in her palm and she closed her hand tight around it.

She held on to me crying and managed to say, "Please, don't leave me, I love you too much."

I said, "Please, don't do anything foolish, I will be back. I'm just not sure when." I kissed her then I walked out of the office carefully closing the door behind me.

I'm not sure how I made it back to the house, but fifteen minutes later I was back in the car driving to the airport with a hastily packed bag, my laptop and passport.

Interlude 1: Mia

I sat perfectly still as the horror in Daniel's eyes seared my soul. What had he meant by 'Please, God, not again'? The only glimmer of hope was that before he'd left, he'd come around to my side and kissed me. He murmured, "I love you, but I need some time to think." He placed the ring in my palm and I instinctively close my hand tight around it.

He said, "Please don't do anything foolish. I will be back, I'm just not sure when."

I didn't move as Daniel closed the door of my office behind him. I loved him and I think I'd just destroyed his life. I opened my hand and the ring glistened in the lights, there was something else there. A key on a gold chain; oh, god, he'd given me a key to his home. I held it up by the chain and started sobbing. It took me twenty minutes before I could stagger out of my office. I went to put the ring on my finger then I paused. As far as I was concerned I was now engaged but only one person was going to put the ring on my finger. I took the key off the chain and threaded the ring on it instead. I hung the chain around my neck and tucked it under my blouse.

I'd thought to bring him to my office to explain would sound so more clinical and controllable, than at the coffee shop. Letting him see the bedroom had just reinforced all his fears.

I ran to my car and drove as fast as I could to Daniel's house. Yes, the lights were on. I opened the door with my key calling out his name. There was no answer, and it was obvious that I'd just missed him. The wardrobe was open as were several drawers. When I checked his laptop was missing. I threw myself on his bed sobbing. As I pressed my face into his pillow I could smell that unique scent that was Daniel.

I spent the night there with my face pressed into the pillow. Just praying that he would walk back through the door, and give me that little smile that always seared my soul. Then wrap me in his arms and tell me he loved me.

The morning light woke me and I reached out for Daniel and felt the empty space beside me and the events of last night came crushing down on me all over again.

I crawled out of the bed, discarding my clothes and staggered into the bathroom. I stood under the shower, cursing Jenny, it was her decision to bring forward the book signing tour that had participated Daniels decision to ask me to marry him. The tour had been planned for the fall and I'd honestly thought I had the time to make him understand how important my work was to me.

I'd been hoping that Daniel would ask me to marry him and I knew that I'd have to make changes. I'd planned to employ a second sex surrogate so that I'd only need to get involved with the really difficult cases. I should have done that at least a year ago. The trouble was I got off on the gratitude and passion I felt when the man I was working with realised he could have a normal relationship with his partner. So I'd let it slide. I was intelligent enough to understand that previously I'd been using my clients as a substitute for my own lack of relationships.

I stepped out of the shower and dried myself. That's when I found all the drawer and wardrobe space that Daniel had freed up for me. That was bad enough then I opened the drawer and found all the gorgeous lingerie he had bought for me. I collapsed onto the floor and spent the next ten minutes sobbing my heart out. I picked out a set of the underwear and put them on. They fitted perfectly and I stood in front of the mirror thinking how much he'd loved to see me wear them. I found a pair of jeans and a tee-shirt I'd left here a couple of weeks ago carefully laundered and folded in a drawer. I went down to the kitchen and that when I saw the note.

Mia darling

If you are reading this then I guess you used the key. Please don't worry about me, I still love you, but I need some time alone.

I need to understand my feelings about you and the fact you kept your involvement with other men, however professional it was, from me.

You are not the first girlfriend to present me with evidence of other men; at least I can understand the reason behind yours. But it hurt me that you didn't feel you could confide in me, and it has opened up deep wounds I thought had healed. I need to clear my head of the spectre of Liz or she will keep destroying my love for you. I will need you to be here when I get back. This is now our house or if I fail in my goal it's yours.

I love you

Daniel

I sat at the table crying, my tears staining the paper. Oh Daniel, I thought. I couldn't lie to you when you asked me to marry you. I love you too much to do that. It would have destroyed you if you'd found out later. I'd read your books and I know that you'd written that betrayal was always the one thing that destroyed a relationship. There's so much of you in your books, I know you would have reacted the same way.

I looked at the time and cursed. I phoned the office and got through to Rita, my secretary.

"Rita it's me, I can't come in to the office this week, I'm not feeling well. I need you to cancel all my appointment for the rest of the week."

"What do I do with the Anderson's, they are already here."

Shit, shit, shit, "Christ...look Sally was supposed to be sitting in to support the wife, please ask her to do her best and reschedule them for next week. Tell them that I won't charge them for this session."

She acknowledged my instructions and I disconnected. I made myself a cup of tea and went and sat in his chair at his desk.

Who the fuck was Liz, and what had she done to him? What did Daniel think I was doing to him?

My phone rang and I grabbed it, hoping that it was Daniel. Roger's name appeared on the screen. I answered it; you don't ignore the senior partner.

"Are you alright? Rita's just called me to say you've just cancelled all your appointments for the rest of the week and you sounded very upset when she spoke to you."

I've known Roger for twelve years, ever since I first sat in his classroom at university; we'd even had a short affair five years ago. He's the one man I trust and admire.

"Roger I've fucked up. Daniel asked me to marry him last night. I had to tell him what I do, and it triggered something in him. He's gone; I think I may have lost him. I can't help other people when I can't help the one man I love."

"What did he say?"

"It's not what he said, it was his reaction. I think he's been badly hurt in the past, and he sees what I do as a form of betrayal of his love."

"Have you any idea where he could have gone?"

"No," and then I had a thought, "Hang on a sec," and I checked the drawer in his desk where he kept his personal papers. It was unlocked and his passport was missing. "Shit Roger, his passport's gone, he could be anywhere."

"Have you tried calling his agent?"

"No, I'll do it as soon as I hang up."

We spoke for a few more minutes and he agreed to get me a second sex surrogate as soon as possible. I promised to call the psychiatrist the group had on retainer.

He rang off after saying, "I should have made you pull back from the physical side much earlier, and we can hire as many surrogates as we need. You are not to take on any new cases until we have this sorted out and Daniel's back."

I thanked him and rang off.

I found Jenny's number on a card in my bag. Her secretary answered and at first she tried to fob me off. But I insisted and finally Jenny was on the other end.

I didn't waste time on small talk, "Who is Liz?" I asked.

There was silence from the other end of the phone and then Jenny asked. "Mia, I don't understand, why do you want to know who Liz is?"

"Because last night Daniel asked me to marry him, and I didn't handle it at all well."

"What do you mean he asked you to marry him and you didn't handle it?"

"It's because of what I do at the relationship centre, I help men get over their sexual inadequacies."

"Oh shit, and you told him that," she said in a tone that said please tell me you didn't.

"I couldn't lie to him. It would have been so much worse if he'd found out after we were engaged."

"And he's never told you about Liz?"

"Not really, he's mentioned her name and I know she hurt him but he's never said how."

"Oh dear, I wish he had. Ok, from what I gathered from the few times he mentioned her, Liz was his fiancée. About a year before I first met him he found her in bed with another man. Do you recall the chapter in his second book when the husband, Simon comes home to surprise his wife with the good news about his book and finds her in bed with her lover, his best friend?"

I said yes.

"Basically, it's all true, that's the story of Liz. Simon is Daniel, his wife was Liz and the best friend was, well his best friend at the time."

"Oh god," I gasped, "and all the sexual inadequacy claims the wife made in the book?"

"Are exactly what Liz claimed and told the whole village."

"But they are not true, Christ, I should know how good he is in bed."

"I know they aren't true, but the problem was that most of the village believed her and thought that they were true. He became a hermit in his own home and after a few weeks he began to believe them himself. They've tainted all his relationships since then. You were the first in all the years I've known him that he's felt normal with."

Oh Christ, I thought, now he's going to be thinking that I'm always going to be evaluating him, whilst in fact he was the best lover at so many levels that I'd ever had.

"Look I'll send you all the information I have on the bitch, but it's not a lot. As far as I know she still lives in the same village in Kent."

"Thanks," I said and gave her my e-mail address.

"By the way is he with you, he's not picking up his phone." She asked.

"Jenny, I don't know where he is. He packed a bag, his laptop and passport last night, and he's gone. I've left countless voice mails but his phone's switched off."

I could hear her swearing down the phone. Then I hear her calling out to her assistant. 'Daniel's gone missing; call every one he's ever spoken to, we need to find him'.

The she came back on the phone to me, "Mia, don't worry we will find him, I've got to go. I'll send you that information I promise." And with that she hung up.

I spent the day going over my options, but really I didn't have many. If I wanted Daniel to stay with me when he returned, then I had to change the way I interacted with the clients. I wasn't even going to contemplate the possibility that he wouldn't come back.

I called my sister; she's the only one in my family that knows the full extent of my job. I told her the whole story and she did what she always does. She makes me evaluate and rationalise any problem that has occurred in my life. And again she made me think. The last thing she said to me before we ended the call resonated in me: "Do you think it's possible that while you feel that you can't have a relationship because of your career, the reality is you don't want to have them because they would interfere with the enjoyment the personal side of your career gives you?"