Waves of Confusion Ch. 04

I needed to stay away from Julian that much was clear. I couldn't function normally with him around, but I still had him in one class and it met three times a week. Well, I'd have to figure something out, and I'd have to do it fast. I'd spent most of the previous day sulking; thinking about what I wanted and who I wanted in my life. A few things had become clear and "oh so" logical. I didn't want to be ostracized from my family, friends weren't really a problem because I didn't have that many, but I didn't want to acquire the reputation as being gay either. I thought about Julian for a long time. He was so beautiful and deep down in my soul, I hungered to do exactly what he wanted me to that day in his room, to touch him, his face, his long limbs, his beautifully sculpted maleness, but truthfully I was too scared and confused to make a move. I knew that I had partially led Julian on that day after he almost drowned, that I let my hormones talk when I should have been listening to my brain, but that wasn't going to happen anymore.

Everything I had ever thought my life was going to be was washing away before my eyes as I thought about the possibility of actually being with him. I knew now that he did think about me, desire me, if you will; but I just couldn't allow myself to fall into the trap of being that easily swayed. I was going to have to face him and tell him that I wasn't interested—somehow. I needed to concentrate on my studies; that would get me through all of this. At least, that's what I told myself in the comfort of my bedroom, where there was no one to judge me. And that's what I continued to tell myself up until I saw the bronze of his skin and hazel of his eyes overtake my field of vision the next morning in the lecture hall. I tried to get there just as the class was about to start, not to give him time to come up to me, but this plan was subverted by a very typical professor. Late—as I would soon come to find out was the modus operandi of the faculty at this state school.

Julian stood in front of me, a mixture of pure animal magnetism and the devil incarnate. My brain, which had been sure-footed in its previous assumption that I was not gay and would not be swayed in that direction, betrayed me significantly by sending all of my hormones rushing toward my mutinous genitals at the first sight of him. I quickly found a seat on the end of the row and tried my best to focus on Julian's eyes instead of the rest of his statuesque physique. He knelt next to me and whispered in my ear.

"Jody, I'm really sorry about the other day. Are we okay, bud?"

The feeling of his lips on my ear was almost more than my naïve and inexperienced body could take. I could feel the pre-cum leaking from the end of my lengthening cock, and I knew that I had to get out of there. I stood up as Julian struggled back to his feet. "I have to go, Julian," I said and I turned to leave the lecture hall. He grasped the top of my arm in a death grip and I turned to see the most horrified look on his face. Suddenly, nothing in the world was more important to me then making the desperation in Julian's face disappear. I mustered up my strength and looked across at the rest of the students. "Come on, let's go."

We walked for a long time before Julian finally had the nerve to ask me where the hell we were going.

"Did you have a destination in mind, or are we just walking off your boner?" He was smiling and I knew he had me pegged. I had to stop denying what was happening between us, but how was I going to do that without hurting my family or Julian, or for that matter myself?

We were approaching a copse of aging oak and eucalyptus trees and I veered toward them, set down my books and plopped, unceremoniously on top of them. He sat tentatively next to me and leaned back against one of the majestic oaks.

When he looked up again, I mustered all my courage and stared deep into his engaging eyes. "Julian, here's the deal…I'm going to talk and you're going to listen, okay?"

He nodded.

"I might sound like a complete babbling idiot and a total loser to you, but this is what is going on in my head right now, and maybe once I've told you everything I won't feel like such a stumbling, bumbling geek anymore. Who knows?"

As I tried to think about what I wanted to say to him, I felt small and weak, as I always did in his presence during the years we spent going to the same high school. Finally, after what felt like a lengthy silence, I just gave up and started talking, not trying so hard to sound knowledgeable or learned or anything remotely coherent.

"You are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life. I don't know when I didn't think so. It seems like every time I looked up in the locker room in high school, there you were, bronzed and buffed and the epitome of absolute masculinity. I knew I shouldn't be looking at you, especially naked, but my eyes betrayed me every second you were anywhere in the vicinity. I was mesmerized by you, by your hair, your eyes, your shoulders, your butt, and your…your, yeah that." I smiled at my awkward attempt to say penis. What was the deal, I had one too; it just didn't look anything like his.

Julian lifted his hand and stroked upward on my cheekbone. I thought my body had turned to butter. The hair on the back of my neck rose; it's a good thing I was sitting down because if I hadn't been, I'd have been on my ass by now. I was quivering and a tear escaped my eye, he caught it and brought it to his mouth, consuming it as if it were some precious, life-giving fluid.

I reached across and grabbed his hand back and placed it on my lips. I kissed the back of it and looked into the fire that appeared in his eyes. "I think I'm in love with you," I mumbled as I broke down and started to cry.

Julian encircled me with his arms and we just sat there for the longest time, me crying and him comforting me. I could hear a gaggle of mockingbirds in the trees above us, warbling their variations on the other bird's tunes and it was surprisingly comforting. When eventually I looked up from where my head had been on Julian's shoulder, he was staring down at me with the sweetest smile on his face. He understood what I was feeling, I think—no actually, I knew he had felt these same feelings, knew the same indecision that warped my mind for the past week, hurt the same hurts and craved the same things I did; love and affection and the strange acceptance that he was giving me with his embrace.

"I guess that means I'm gay, doesn't it?" I questioned, already knowing the answer.

"Actually, Jody," he said while rubbing my back. "It only means what you give it permission to mean."

I was confused. Was this ever going to end?

"Look, you are what you are…okay? If you think you love me, then all it really means is that you've found a connection with another human soul. Just because I happen to be a guy and not a girl, doesn't define what you are on the inside. A year from now, two, you could fall in love with someone else, someone who happens to be a girl. Or maybe you won't, who knows? Don't let what you feel for me define you."

He looked at me with a curious expression. "Does any of that make sense?"

"Truthfully," I thought, "No, but I think see what you're getting at."

I stretched my neck up a little bit and in the middle of a crowded college campus, I kissed another guy. The earth didn't stop spinning; the ground didn't open up and swallow us and nothing close to lightening struck, well, except in my head. Little stars were definitely fluttering all over in my brain, just like they had back in Julian's room that afternoon. I decided I liked kissing him, more than just about anything else I'd ever done in my life.

He pulled back a little bit and waited for me to recover. "Well that was certainly progress." A little laugh escaped before he could squash it and when I saw that it was funny—me kissing him after practically running from him a little while earlier, I joined him.

"Do you want to go back to Psych class?" At first I thought he was mocking me, but in all actuality he was serious. "There's still a little less than an hour left. We could freak all those rah-rah girls out and tell them our darkest secrets." He kissed my cheek.

I thought about it for a minute. There were still some things I needed to tell him. "Actually, can we just sit here for a little while longer? I think I know what I need to say now."

"Sure, no problem…I'm all ears." His gorgeous smile beamed at this slight at his manly proportions and I giggled, thinking "Nope, but you're mostly all cock and balls."

"Julian, I have to admit to you that I'm still pretty confused by all of this. It seems like when I'm with you I know exactly what I want, but as soon as I'm alone, I start to question the legitimacy of what I'm feeling. I know that what my body is telling me is mostly lust, but there is something about the time that we've shared that makes me think that it could be a lot more than that. And on top of all that, I have no idea what you want from me."

"Right now, I don't want anything more than what we've got." I blanched—did that mean that he wasn't interested in anything long-term?

"What, you want more than that?" He said in light-hearted quizzical tone.

"No, I mean yes, I mean…shit…I don't know what I mean or want for that matter."

"Look, what I'm saying is I'm not going to rush you, Jody. I don't think I love you…" my eyes rolled, "I know I do, but I don't want to stress you out or force you to do anything you're not ready for. Okay?"

I was in awe of him. How could he "know" he loved me? "Julian, how can you say that?"

"Because," his tone was sure and steady, "I've been in lots of relationships and you're the first person I've ever wanted to just be with. Sex has always been a big thing with me." He looked at my smirk, "Ha ha, no pun intended, okay? But really, listen to what I'm saying, Jody. I've had sex with a lot of people…and yes, I was careful. I slept with a couple of girls in school and there have been a few guys too. I didn't want to do anything with any of them but get off, do you understand?"

"Kinda," I stammered. "That's what I was afraid of in your room the other day. That you just wanted to get laid and you didn't care that it was me who was with you."

"Oh God, Jody, no." His grip tightened around my shoulders and he started kissing my hair. "Yes, I was horny, I always am when you're around, but I was trying to show you how much you mean to me, that I couldn't really control myself because I was sooooo excited about being with you."

"I think I get it now…but, I don't think I can have sex with you right now. Do you still want to…see me?"

"Of course, Jodders. That's what I was trying to tell you. It's not just about the sex. I want you, all of you. Body, mind and soul, the total package, ya know?" He smiled down at me and I let him kiss me deep again. He made me feel so good, so protected and I wanted it to go on forever, but as soon as the thought of forever crossed my mind, the feelings of dread crept in along with it.

When he pulled back, probably because I was no longer pushing my tongue back against his, I told him we should probably think about getting up. I was afraid now. Afraid that someone I knew would see us, performing something that could be interpreted as virtual foreplay. Above all, afraid that every time he kissed me that way he would wear down my resistance even more, and I would do what I said I wasn't ready for, let him make love to me. Something my body was screaming for and my mind was still denying. However, practicality prevailed and we gathered our things and started back for the parking area where his truck was. I let him drive me home, no need to spend money on the bus now, but when we were finally in front of my house paranoia set in. I didn't want my mom to see us kissing, so I grabbed his hand well below the level of the window and tried to indicate to him that we couldn't kiss goodbye here.

"I know, sweetie…don't worry, we'll take it one step at a time, okay?" He said, getting the hint that I had passed through our joined hands.

As I gazed at him one last time, I lifted my hand to my ear in the universal sign for "call me." He smiled that sweet, understanding smile back at me and lifted his hand in return. As I was walking away from the truck, he honked and I practically jumped out of my skin. I went back to the window as he rolled it down, "Do you have a cell number?" What a dunce I was. I nodded and he handed me his phone to put the number in his address book. For my name, I did something provocative and typed in J O D Y- B F and my number. I was sure he'd get the message.

***†***

You know that song "Walking on Sunshine"? Annoying isn't it? Well, not today. I felt like I was literally walking on a cloud and that nothing anyone did could ruin it for me.

For the previous two days I had been in a complete funk. Screwing up the situation with Jody in my bedroom had been a major eye-opener for me. Most of my relationships, even the ones with girls in high school had been strictly about sex to me. I wasn't interested in anything romantic with any of those people and the one person I was interested in pursuing thought I was a whore. I had dropped trou so easily that he must have thought I expected him to blow me right then and there. That's what you get for thinking with your dick, I tell ya.

I did a lot of soul searching that night and had to fight off the urge to try to call Jody every five minutes to try and fix things. Ultimately, I discovered that no matter how horny he made me, if he didn't want that part of it, I was willing to wait. Now there was a revelation; me not wanting sex. I thought back to all the little displays I had given Jody in school, all hoping that he would react to me, not just stare but bone-up and drool. At least that's what I thought I was doing back then. As I considered my obvious flirting with him, I found that the reason I wanted to see him react to me was because what I needed from him was attention. I wanted to see the look in his eyes, the little smile or the flirt that he allowed to surface every once in a while when I bared "my all" to him.

Today though, I was going to make it all right, I was going to talk to him like a civilized human being and not think with my dick. I waited in the row we sat in on the first day and watched the door for him to appear. As he crested the doorway, I shot out of my seat and was in front of him before he realized what was happening. When his eyes finally registered that I was square in his path, at first he cringed, but then the longer he looked at me, the more of a little smile I saw creep onto his face. I think he was getting a woody, because he sat down really fast in the nearest seat. I bent down and purposely got really close to his ear. I wasn't teasing him—at least I wasn't doing it consciously, but I didn't want anyone else to hear what I was saying. He shivered as I spoke to him and I could feel him tense, but then just as suddenly as he had sat down, he bolted upright almost knocking me over.

He said he was leaving, and at that moment I just knew I had screwed it up for good. God, I couldn't lose him! I grabbed his arm a little harder than I should have, and as he turned back to see what the hell I was doing, I think he saw the pure desperation in my eyes. As we started to walk, I knew he was majorly boned up and that's why he wanted to get the hell outta Dodge, but I wasn't going to say anything about it for a while. We just walked and I enjoyed just being with him. When it was clear that we had no intended path, I joked with him about spring wood in class. He laughed and I could feel a little bit of the tension in him dissipate.

Finally, we settled down in front of a bunch of gnarly looking old trees. They were awesome and portrayed the spirit of the survival that I loved so much about the battered shores of the Pacific. He sat there passively and I just waited for him to be ready to say something. I wasn't going to rush him anymore. I wanted him to feel free to talk to me about anything, and in order to instill that sense of trust in him I had to be willing to be patient. That, I finally recognized.

When at last he said the things he was hiding deep inside himself, I was, I had to admit, a bit relieved. He did feel the same way about me, but just as I had guessed, he was scared. I had been there, although I had weighed and measured all of my fears long before Jody was willing to even contemplate his. I was out to my dad, had been for years, and even my senior year in high school I had come out to some of my friends. Some had turned their backs on me, but most felt as I did, that nothing had changed. I was still the same person I was before I told them; they just knew a little more about me now than they did before.

I guess I felt like an old soul when it came to being gay. I was comfortable with who I was, and I wasn't willing to let what others thought about it influence me in the slightest. Jody though, was riding the roller-coaster of the "coming out" process and by association he was going to drag me through it again, too. Well, I was going to offer him my wisdom, such as it was, and hope that it eased the pain just a little.

When I got home, I could have cared less who was there, but by some quirk of fate, I stumbled across my old man in the living room. He was entertaining some clients, and I just bounced through smiling and waving on the way to my room. He must have thought I was a product of the body snatchers or something 'cause I hadn't smiled at him in a year. Oh well, what're you gonna do; can't let the world rain on my parade, at least not today anyway. Once I was in my inner sanctum, I did something else strange. I pulled off the blankets that I had clipped to my window shade and let some light into my room. I don't think that the dust in there had seen sunlight in a good long while, because it looked like the little particles were streaming to get either to it or away from it. I couldn't help but think about some little science fiction scenarios with the beings in those little dust vehicles thinking it was Armageddon, the sun coming to burn them up once and for all.

I laughed at myself, and picked up most of the crap that was lying around me room. I put garbage in the garbage can, clothes on the shelves, the ones that smelled clean anyway, and the dirty ones in the laundry hamper. Old Mrs. Noseybutt was going to have a coronary when she came into my room next time. After a while, I decided to try to call Jody. I opened my phone and looked up where he had put his number in. Okay, now I was really psyched. He had put the initials BF after his name. He wanted to be my boyfriend.

The metallic symphony of his numbers clicked and buzzed in my ear, I waited for him to answer.

A soft voice said, "Hello?"

"Hey…guess who?" I said, flirting a little.

"Julian, hi. Wow, I didn't think you'd call this soon." He was giggling. It was so damned cute.

"Yeah, I couldn't stop thinking about you, babe." I tried out the endearment and waited for his reaction

"Me too…uh, Jules? Can I call you that?" So tentative, still so scared.

"Of course…you can call me whatever you want."

"Did you see what I wrote next to my name?"

"Uh huh, very cute. I liked it."

"Did you…it wasn't too dumb?"

"Nah, I think it's sweet, Jody. I've wanted you to be my boyfriend for a long time now." Careful there big boy, don't push him.

"How long, Jules?"

"Since eighth grade, I guess."

"Man, that's all the way back to when I met you."