Week from Hell Ch. 02

I told the kids that Tom and I had some marital difficulties and that I would be living with my sister for the time being. I also told them that while the problems we were having were between their dad and I, that it was my fault that it had gotten to this point. I didn't tell them exactly what the problems were. I don't know if the kids guessed, or if Tom said something, but they have been a bit on the distant side ever since.

The second worst day of my life was when my sister, Tara, told me that she had found out who our brother was, and that it was Keith. For awhile I thought that I should just kill myself, but finally decided that wasn't fair to the children, and really not fair to Tom, although as far as Tom was concerned I couldn't have told you why. I guess because he might ultimately wind up thinking that if he had forgiven me, I wouldn't have killed myself.

The therapist put me on much stronger anti-depressants, which helped a bit, and I managed to pull through, although it took me quite a bit of time. The mere thought today of having sex with my brother makes me want to throw up, and on several occasions I have.

It was getting on toward the end of the school year, and after talking with my therapist about it over and over -- I was actually seeing her two or three times a week -- I decided that something had to give. Tom would talk to me, but it was always cold, there simply wasn't any warmth there.

I asked Tom to meet me one Friday night after work at a small bar we had gone to a number of times over the years. We would usually have a drink or two, eat dinner and go home, but the main reason I wanted to meet there was to put us on neutral ground, and in a place where people couldn't overhear what we were talking about.

I got there first, and had Tom's drink waiting for him when he got there. He wasn't any warmer than he had been since I caused the rift in our marriage.

"Tom, before I get started, I would appreciate it if you would just hear me out, without any comments or questions. When I am done, you can ask anything you want."

Tom agreed.

I went back over the entire story that Tom already knew, although I did, intentionally, leave out any discussion regarding what Keith and I had done in bed. Tom didn't need to know that, or if he did, then I would tell him, but not unless he asked.

"Tom, we have been separated for several months now. The children will be coming home for summer vacation in a little less than two months, and if we are going to put this marriage back together, then we need to start working on it now, or things are just going to get worse with the kids in the house."

"I did something horrible to our marriage, to us, and to the children. I will never be able to forgive myself for what I have done. Most of all I will never be able to forgive myself for what I have done to you, someone that I love very, very much. I know that I have hurt you, perhaps more than I can truly understand, although I am trying to."

"However, we cannot simply keep on this way. I am willing to do anything I can to help put this marriage back together. But I cannot do it by myself. There has to be two people working at it. A marriage is a partnership, it has to be, and the two people involved have to work together to make it work. It can be destroyed by one person, but can only be built by two."

"It is clear to me that we had more problems than just my going to bed with Keith. We had, at the least, communication issues, and very possibly other ones. But until we can voice those issues, get them out on the table and examine them, we will never really know. I didn't tell you about all the meetings with Keith, and I should have. I didn't really think about them at the time, it was just work, and then Keith just became a friend who I could talk with. You didn't tell me that Keith was requiring you to go on those trips. If you had, I doubt that this whole thing would have come up, because I would have known Keith was lying to me. You know I tend to believe whatever people tell me, so when Keith told me you were volunteering to go on those trips, I didn't even think to question it."

"Did I fuck Keith? Yes I did. I'm not proud of it, and will be ashamed of it for the rest of my life. Did I set out to fuck him -- absolutely not."

"If it will make you feel better to have a revenge fuck, then go do it. I would much rather have you make love to me, but if it will get this marriage back on track, I will never throw it in your face."

"The decision is now yours. What do you want to do with this marriage and the 25 years we have had together, good times and not so good times. I have told you that I want this marriage put back together, and will do anything I can to do that. But I cannot go on the way we are. The longer this goes on, the more depressed I get, and wind up taking more and more anti-depressants. I don't want more drugs in my system. You know I have hated drugs all my life, and getting into a situation that requires me to take them gets me even more depressed, which means I need to take more drugs. I will not get further into that cycle."

"If you can't agree to try to get this marriage back on track in the next month, then I am going to have to do whatever it is that will let me move forward. I am not really sure what that means, but at the least it is going to mean that I get my own place to live. I cannot continue living with my sister. It probably will mean that I will file for divorce, or at least separation. I simply have to put my life back together. I know that I caused the vast majority of the problems, but now is the time to decide if our marriage is worth saving. If you feel that it isn't, then maybe we never had the marriage we thought we had. Remember the for better or worse part of our vows? I know I broke the forsaking all others part, but what about the other parts of our vows?"

"I'm done now. Do you have any comments, or questions?"

Tom looked at me for the longest time, then simply said: "I can't get the images of you and Keith together out of my head. My imagination just won't let me."

"I can't imagine that you want me to tell you the nitty-gritty details of what went on, although if you really want me to do that I will. Let me leave it at this for the moment. I never had Keith's penis in my mouth like I have had yours. It was just plain and simple fucking -- not making love -- just fucking. Keith never had a prayer of getting anal sex. I simply would not have done either one of those things, although if he had tried, it might have been a good thing. It might, in fact probably would, have gotten me to think what in the hell was I doing."

Tom simply nodded, and sat there stony faced, although I thought that I could detect a glimmer of hope for me in his face and eyes.

I put down my drink, stood up and kissed him on the cheek.

"I love you more than I really know how to tell you right now. I will leave you, and you can make your decision."

With that I kissed him on the cheek again, straightened up, and left the bar.

It's been three weeks since I told Tom to figure out what he was going to do. My sister called it our come to Jesus meeting.

We have spoken about things we need to talk about regarding our daily lives, but not much. In one more week I am going to find an apartment and start trying to put my own life back together. I think my sister is relieved, although she doesn't say so. She wants her own house back without her sister always around. I also suspect that she wants to at least talk to Keith so she knows something about our brother. Personally, the next time I see him I will probably want to shoot him.

Do Sara and Tom get back together? I don't know. I don't know if I could put aside cheating on my 25th anniversary -- ever. Perhaps they divorce. Perhaps they renew their vows and celebrate that as their anniversary from then on. If anyone would like to continue this story, please feel free to do so, although I would appreciate seeing what you have done.