Week's Vacation Day 04

"Would I mind what? I also feel unclear what you're asking exactly what I normally watch. I've watched porn but I don't have a favorite title." I giggled a little unable to stop myself.

"I meant would you ever watch porn with me? Later, not now. But would you mind if you knew I watched porn? I meant what kind of stuff you'd watched before."

"I'd watch porn with you, it could be exciting. Later and it'd have to be the good stuff you know, with a plot. I know you watch porn now. I've watched straight porn you know not super hardcore stuff but there this couple series I found online once. They weren't all pizza guy gets boned. Teacher takes advantage. Father gets gross with babysitter. It was just couples who were already together having good sex." I finished a bit lamely hoping he wasn't super into pizza guy, teacher, babysitter porn.

"How do you know I watch porn?" He asked a little indignantly.

I looked at him frankly. "It's the new century, you have internet. Internet that's covered with free snippets of porn and you have a cock. I know you watch porn. I don't mind honestly I'd rather be with a guy who jerks off to porn as even fantasies of another girl he knows in real life. Keep all your magazines, you don't even have to hide them if I visit. Just to be clear we've now slept together and you've expressed a desire for that to continue into the future. I might me jumping the gun but I consider that a binding contract of monogamy until you tell me you wanna see other people. We mentioned cheating as of now it would be."

He'd begun smiling when I started my speech and by the end he looked like a complete fool. His eyes were a bit glazed and I could count his teeth.

"Hello? Are you listening? I know you're happy to keep your porn but I'm talking important stuff here." I snapped my fingers in front of his face.

He laughed hugging me. "I was listening to it all. I was just trying to commit that speech to memory. I'm going to tell it to our kids when they ask when I fell in love with you. Well maybe not but it was awesome."

I sighed disappointed to be right for once. "I don't plan on ever having kids." I said it flatly ready to get this conversation over. "I'm very sure and I won't change my mind. If that's what you want someone to settle down and have kids with you should know that right now. I got the idea the other night you're still very ready to settle down and have a family. That can't be with me." I could feel tears just ready to well up and my throat tightened around what felt like a hard lump. I bit my cheek until I was sure I'd stay dry eyed and looked up at him.

He met my eyes briefly. "Wow this got serious." His head fell back and I felt the bottom drop out of my stomach. "I do want kids. I already told you I'm not just messing around here. I'm falling in love with you so I'm not willing to just write this off. I can tell you're serious. Fuck I can feel it, you're stiff as a board. Can we talk about it? Why you don't want to have kids. Fuck! I mean do you even want to? Here I am spewing love for the fourth time and you haven't said a word." He sat up grabbing his pants from the floor.

"Of course I do! I just, I'm not good at this. Do you know what kind of monster people look at you like you are when you say you don't want kids? Honestly I've been worried about this since you told me about your last relationship. You mentioned settling down and kids but I couldn't blurt it out then. We talked about a lot of stuff but it never got very serious over the phone. I mean can you imagine? 'We've never met in real life but how about we have a chat to see if our life goals match up.' It's very hard to work kids into a conversation when you aren't technically dating someone." I felt sick now that I'd released that word vomit instead of better.

Brian turned to me slowly. "Do you have feelings for me?"

"What? Of course, I have since before we even met in person." I bit my lip instantly regretting my honesty.

"Okay." He kicked his pants back off and gathered me into his arms, laying back on the couch again. "Okay that's good." He stroked my hair softly for a minute and I allowed myself to relax into his side again. Then he asked the million dollar question the one no ever seemed to consider before they assured me I'd change my mind. "You can't can you?" He asked gently but it was painful all the same.

I felt the tears well but refused to blink and let them fall. "No I can't." I took a deep breath. "So I can't change my mind." I added the last a bit spitefully.

He didn't respond to that last bit of venom. "How did you find out?"

I drew a shuddering breath shocked at his ability to ask the hardest questions. The ones no one ever came up with. "I had very messed up periods in my teens. After I became sexually active, no period so I went to the doctor. I came up positive on a pregnancy test. Then a couple of weeks later I started bleeding. Another doctor visit and he thought I was still pregnant but he wanted me to go to a specialist since it was more than just spotting. That happens sometimes even in a healthy pregnancy apparently. This wasn't though spotting I mean. I had tumors and fibroids and a pap test came back abnormal. I had a complete vaginal hysterectomy with salpingo-oophorectomy. The biopsy came back and the tumors were all benign so there was that. It was too late though they'd took it all because they were scared of cervical cancer. It's very rare under 25 cases a year back then in the fifteen to nineteen year old age range. It's barely over a hundred in the twenty to twenty five year range. On the positive side I never have periods. I take a daily hormone replacement and I don't have to go through menopause later."

"Okay," he assured me softly. "It's okay." It wasn't but for the first time telling someone was. His calm non- judgmental acceptance to it all was exactly what I somehow needed.

"I wouldn't blame you." I said it softly just to let him know I'd understand. I'd thought of children a lot once I couldn't have them. With my own messed up mother as an example and my own selfishness I probably wouldn't be much more of a parent than her. I'd decided I didn't want them, it didn't take the pain out of the inability though.

I wanted a love all my own that I wouldn't have to share. I didn't want to put children before myself as they should be. It was a hard idea to express without some asshole pointing out I had to grow up someday and I'd feel different then. If more people were more honest there'd be a lot less miserable unwanted kids in the world. I did admit it might be easier to avoid mistakes when I didn't have to worry about the percentages of pill and condom failures. Not that I'd gone hog wild testing that theory before this week.

"Were..."he didn't finish the question and I didn't bother to answer even though I knew what he'd been about to ask.

"So if you're going to stay for the rest of your vacation how about some dinner?" I interjected. I started to get up but he stopped me. His hands framed my face and he pulled my lips to his. It was a soft kiss but tender and somehow it felt like a promise.

"I'm not going anywhere. You'll have to beat me off with a stick. A big stick bigger than you. You'd have to call your Uncle." He made a mock horrified face. "Promise me you wouldn't let him put me in a barbecue."

I took a deep breath trying for the same light tone we'd had earlier. "Does it count if he feeds you to his pigs?"

"Yes!" He clutched me to his chest pretending extreme terror. "Promise me you wouldn't let me be eaten by my favorite food. Bacon!"

I laughed genuinely amused then. "I swear, cross my heart hope to die or may a cat spit in my eye."

"What the hell?"

I repeated it slowly.

"That isn't right. It may be how you say it but it isn't right. How is cat spit worse than death?"

"Exactly!" I said. I extricated myself scooping up my clothes. At the washer I stripped myself of both thigh highs and garter belt. I heaped the wet load from the washer in a basket. I put everything even the delicates in the washer setting it for a small load. I turned the dryer back on to fluff.

I decided I wanted a shower more than food and called back to Brian to see if he wanted to join me. He was in with me before I finished the question and I realized he'd been one step behind me the whole time.

"You have a real habit of leaving me places nude with only a pair of your underwear." He thrust the pair of ripped undies under the spray before soaping them. I watched a bit disbelieving as he hand washed and rung them out. He hung them over the curtain rod and I collected my thoughts.

"Was there a complaint in there or..." I proffered a grasping hand toward him indicating I needed more to go on than that.

He laughed and began soaping my hair. I was grateful for this normalcy. I picked up the soap working it over him, shoving all thoughts of tomorrow and 'us' away for now.

"Nope, no complaints. At least not so long as it never happens in public."

We finished the rest of our shower in a companionable silence. I wrapped my hair in a towel and we dried each other quickly.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" He grinned at me hopefully.

"Um probably not." I admitted.

"Naked sandwiches! Please?" He made a pouty face at me.

I began brushing my hair. "Well I was right. I was not thinking naked sandwiches." I set the brush down and picked up the hair dryer. "Okay but I wanna dry my hair first." I shooed him out of the bathroom as I switched it on.

I took a deep breath suddenly close to tears again. It was stupid since my version of 'The Talk' never went this well and Brian had been amazing. I had no doubts that tomorrow would be our last day together though once he got some space and thought about it. I spent the rest of my hair drying time blasting my wide open eyes with hot air every few minutes to dry out my tears. I hurried fluffing my hair impatient for it to reach a damp level I could stand to live with. I knew I'd be fine as soon as I wasn't alone again.

When I walked into the kitchen Brian was stuffing a large piece of cheese in his mouth with one hand and slapping another on a sandwich. I marveled a bit a how men where able to completely move on from emotional things. I even felt a twinge of jealousy. He'd made us both ham with cheese, lettuce, pickles, and sliced tomatoes. I got half a onion in a sealed bag out of the crisper drawer and fished the tomato knife up from where he'd tossed it in the sink. I added three thin slices to mine shrugging when he proclaimed it 'a perversion of his sandwichal vision.' I'd brush my teeth after we ate and he'd never know the difference.

We grabbed drinks from the fridge and I sat on one of Brian's thighs when he took his seat at the table. I smirked to myself a bit at my cleverness knowing he'd be sticking to the chair by the time he finished his. He smiled at me oblivious, happy with the naked woman on his lap and food in hand. I felt a small twinge of guilt but shoved it away.

"I know what you're thinking." He announced it as he scooped a drip of mustard off my thigh.

"What?" I asked startled since I'd just slipped into a sort of auto pilot eating.

"Come on," he rolled his eyes. "you have to be on the same page with me now. We're eating naked sandwiches you avoided putting your butt on bare wood." He patted said butt hanging over his thigh. "Obviously you're thinking I deserve a foot rub after you do the dishes and scrape my ass off this chair with a spatula. Maybe reverse those last two so you can wash the spatula."

I laughed and kissed him on the cheek. "You're right that was exactly what I was thinking. As soon as you finished saying it."

I was as good as my word, chasing him into the living room to watch TV while I did the dishes. When I moved in to join him I lifted his feet and sat with them in my lap. I massaged them thoughtlessly even rubbing up his calves. I wasn't watching the movie, just letting my mind wander. I felt better and worse with everything out in the open. I knew things were out of my hands now, they would go how they would. I'd been honest so that was one less thing. If this week was all I ever got with Brian then at least I hadn't let things go farther before giving him all the facts.

On the way to bed we realized we'd forgotten the laundry. Brian laughed when he opened the door to the dryer and the sheets came out. "All my underwear and pants are wet in that basket. I only did clothes today cause I somehow messed up packing and only brought half of what I laid out."

I took the fitted sheet from him and began folding it alone. "You thinking what I'm thinking?" I asked slyly.

He chuckled.

"Naked sandwich day!" His chuckles turned to full blown laughter. I snapped a pillow case towards his hiney. "Get ready to be be my boy toy, Brian."

"I thought I already was filling that position." We finished folding the sheets and I tucked them into the linen closet in the hall bath while he dumped the wet clothes in the dryer.

We brushed our teeth together then crawled in bed. Brian held me stroking my hair and I fell asleep quickly more than a little drained from the day.