Welcome to My World

Janice nodded, "Of course you're welcome, Mac, you know that, right?"

"Well, I was wondering about the 'little playmate' thing, but I think that I'll be safe for one night at least...I mean the door has a lock, right?" she quipped. That got a chuckle from everyone.

"Let's go...playmate," said Dannie, still laughing.

"Ok. Dwok." came the reply as they headed upstairs.

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"What does dwok mean?" Janice asked Ellen.

"I don't have the slightest idea," Ellen replied. "I never heard it before."

"Well...anyway, thank you again for understanding. I can't believe how hard this is for me," Janice said as she looked at Ellen's beautiful hands. She realized that she was hoping for Ellen to hold hands with her again.

Ellen spoke gently, "How does the proverb go? 'Every bird must find its own tree. The tree doesn't find the bird.' Even though it's difficult for you, let her find what makes her happy. Neither you nor I can change what is inside Danielle. All we can do is to support her and to help her be happy with who she is."

Janice thrilled as Ellen reached out and took her hand.

"Believe me, Janice, I know from my experiences. This is more difficult for Danielle than it is for you. Everything around her says she should be one way...but her heart is leading her down a different path. She needs her mother now more than ever. She needs your support—and your blessing. Do you understand?"

Janice nodded, only dimly hearing Ellen's words.

"Janice, you seem like you're 10,000 miles away. What are you thinking?" asked Ellen.

"I'm thinking..." Janice felt that her mouth was suddenly very dry, and she was a little light-headed. How much wine had she drunk? "I'm thinking that...I'm wondering how Danielle could like kissing a woman like she does. I mean...I could see...I did see how much she liked it."

Ellen smiled. "So you saw them kiss. How did that make you feel?" she asked.

"I felt..." Janice's voice trailed off.

"Be honest, Janice, how did it make you feel?" Ellen asked again. "I think it's important that you understand how you feel." She stopped and squeezed Janice's hand.

"Janice," she said firmly, "how can you ever accept Danielle's feelings if you can't accept your own?"

Janice felt like the sofa suddenly lurched and she lost her balance. She swayed slightly. "Ouch," she said, "that hurt."

"The truth hurts, doesn't it?" asked Ellen gently.

Janice nodded, understanding. "Ok. I get it." She paused and took a deep breath, gathering courage.

"When I saw them kissing I felt...Ellen, promise me that you won't be shocked or laugh," she said, breaking off.

"I promise," Ellen said solemnly. "I know this is hard for you, but you can see the importance, can't you?" Janice nodded again. "Well, then," Ellen said, "spit it out. Just say it. It's just words."

"I felt...envious. Then angry," Janice began to cry, "She looked so goddamn happy," she finally blurted out, "It's not fair." She looked at Ellen, sure that she would be shocked. She wasn't.

Ellen smiled. "Well, that was one reason that I wondered about," she said.

"What do you mean?" asked Janice.

"Well, when a loving mother sees two girls playing around innocently and gets that upset, surely something must have been triggered inside her," Ellen explained, "and obviously we get angry when we're jealous or envious." Janice just nodded. "So what did you envy about the kiss?" Ellen wondered.

"It was...beautiful," Janice said softly, lifting Ellen's hand and kissing it. Ellen just shook her head.

"So what are you saying really?" she asked. "I mean...what are you requesting?"

Janice lowered her eyes. "Don't make me say it. Please don't make me say it," she whispered. If it remained unspoken, then it wouldn't be real.

"If you don't say it, you'll never know what you mean," prodded Ellen. She gently lifted Janice's chin so she could look into her eyes. "Just say what you want. It's only words, right? You can say anything."

Janice nodded. Only words...but such words. Words that could open doors to dark places... She shook her head.

Ellen sensed what she was thinking. "Your daughter is not in a dark place, Janice. Look at her. She's alive and vivacious and happy. Why? Well, one big reason is that she's figured out how to say what she wants. It seems to me that the darkness is with the one who won't give voice to her desires. How long do you want to carry that around? The choice is yours."

Again, Ellen's words brought clarity to Janice's thoughts, and with the clarity came peace. She smiled and shook her head.

"I want to kiss a woman," she said suddenly, surprising herself. Ellen smiled and nodded. "I think I've wanted that for a long time," Janice whispered.

"Well, it took a while to pry that out didn't it?" Ellen chuckled. She playfully cast her gaze around the room, lightening the mood. "Golly," she said, "I don't think you have many choices at the moment. Will I do?"

"Oh yes," Janice cried, "You'll do just fine." She reached toward Ellen, and Ellen accepted her, literally with open arms.

"You can be whoever you are with me. Always..." Ellen began. She got no further as Janice brought her lips to hers.

It had been a long time since Janice had been kissed by anyone, but the embrace with Ellen was magical and thrilling and wonderful and...she ran out of words again, overwhelmed by the feelings. She wondered how the hell she had been so clueless all her life. And why she needed her daughter's help to realize who she was.

When they parted, Ellen smiled. "That was fun," she said. "You're a good kisser."

Janice grabbed her. "I'm just getting warmed up," she said, again closing her mouth over Ellen's.

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The next morning, the girls were surprised to find Ellen asleep on the sofa when they came downstairs. Even though they tiptoed through the living room, Ellen awoke.

"Good morning," she said thickly, yawning and rubbing her hair.

"I'm sorry, coach. I didn't know you were staying, or I would have let you have the bed," Mackenzie said.

"I didn't know I was staying, either," Ellen said, yawning. "We just kept talking and it got really late. Don't worry about it. Besides, you needed that lock on the door."

The girls laughed and scooted into the kitchen. Soon Janice came down, looking a little dazed.

"How are you feeling?" asked Ellen.

"Well, I had some amazing dreams," replied Janice with a smile, "so I'm feeling pretty damn good." They followed the girls into the kitchen.

"Oh no, here they come," said Mackenzie in mock horror. "Remember Dannie. No k.i.s.s.i.n.g. Got it?" They all laughed again.

"Ok, I deserve that," sighed Janice. "I apologize again. How can I make it up to you guys?"

"You could be honest with them," came a voice from behind her. She cringed slightly, knowing what Ellen meant.

"I don't think...oh shit. Why the hell not?" she said, pulling Ellen around so the girls could see them. Ellen just smiled as she waited for Janice to speak.

She was as shocked as the girls, though, when Janice moved forward and embraced her in a deep, soul-searching kiss. The girls gaped.

"That's one hell of a transformation," Ellen muttered, smiling.

"So. I'm the worst hypocrite ever," Janice said, looking straight at Danielle. "Dannie, I've had a really hard time accepting your feelings. Ellen helped me understand that was because I couldn't accept mine. I'm sorry. I just didn't know...I couldn't see the difference between you and me...this doesn't make sense, I'm sure, but do you understand?" By now, tears were running down her face.

Tears streamed down her daughter's face too. "Mom, I understand more than you can ever know. And I'm so...I don't know...honored that you would apologize to me and be so open. I know it's hard to figure these feelings out. Just follow your heart...it's all you've got to go by in this." Mother and daughter embraced, finally at peace with each other.

"And you, Mac?" asked Ellen, "where do you fit in the puzzle?"

"I am the loyal, trusted friend..." said Mackenzie.

"Who gets kissed from time to time," giggled Danielle.

"...who gets kissed from time to time. But I'm really just a friend. I'm beginning to feel like I'm the perverted one around here. I actually like guys," she concluded.

"You mean that all this started because..." Janice began.

"Let's not go there, mom...it's a long story, and I've got another game to play today," interrupted Danielle.

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The second game went better than the first in many ways. Dannie's team won, and she scored two goals. In Mackenzie's opinion, Danielle would compete for a spot on one of the top lines when she got to college.

After the pizza debacle, they were all in the mood for a change of venue, so they headed to the girls' favorite spot, the Golden Eye Diner. The food was excellent and they had a very relaxed conversation, enjoying themselves and each other in an easy, free way. Mackenzie burbled on and on about next year when she and Danielle would be together at college. Danielle was just a bit sad because they wouldn't be as "together" as she would have liked, but she was also looking forward to the adventure and to spending more time with Mackenzie.

Ellen could see that Janice was really in a good place—proud of her daughter, and delighted to see her happy. After dinner, Janice walked with Ellen to her car.

"Thank you again," she said, hugging Ellen, "thank you for everything."

Ellen embraced her and they kissed goodbye. "Your daughter gave you good advice, Janice. 'Follow your heart.' Like Danielle, you must find your destiny."

"I'm trying," replied Janice, "give me a day or two on that one, ok?"

Ellen chuckled as she hopped in her car. Janice walked back in time to see Danielle and Mackenzie give each other a big, long hug as they parted. Mackenzie was heading back to school, so this was going to be goodbye for quite a while for them. Janice paused, not wanting to interrupt. She saw the girls, still with their arms around each other talking animatedly and giggling. Finally, Mackenzie threw her head back in mock surrender, and Danielle gave her a long goodbye kiss.

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Danielle and Janice drove home in silence, lost in their own thoughts and desires. As they neared home, Janice saw Danielle grimacing.

"What's the matter, sweetie?" she asked. "Is something wrong?"

Danielle was feeling around her shoulder and neck. "I don't know. I fell and banged my arm on the ice and now I've got a sore shoulder." When they arrived home, Janice examined her her daughter's shoulder.

"Wow," she said, "you've got a hell of a bruise back here. Does this hurt?" she asked, giving an exploratory touch.

"Fuck," exclaimed Danielle, then she hurriedly amended that, "...I mean...wow. That's sore." Janice nodded.

"There's a big knot there. Take a hot shower, and I'll massage it," she said. "You can come and lay on my bed...it's better than yours for a massage.

After a long, hot shower, Danielle put on her favorite "Give blood, play hockey" t-shirt and a pair of her high school gym shorts. Entering her mother's bedroom, she saw her mom also in t-shirt and shorts getting some massage oil out of her drawer.

Danielle lay face down and Janice began gently rubbing her back over her t-shirt. After a few minutes, she said, "Dannie, I think the shirt has to come off if you want me to work on this knot." Without a word, Danielle pulled the shirt off and closed her eyes.

As Janice massaged her daughter, she became aware of how athletic and graceful her body had become. The muscles were toned and there was practically no fat to be found. She began with long strokes up and down the spine, gradually focusing in on the shoulders, then on the knot.

Danielle grunted as her mother worked the knot, slowly releasing it. "Ow...fuck...that's tight. Oh shit, mom, I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't swear, but it hurts."

Janice gave her a playful swat on her bottom. "No, you shouldn't swear. But Danielle, you're a grown woman now, not a little girl. You have to figure things out for yourself."

Danielle pondered that for a minute. "Um," she asked, "is that a cryptic way of telling me something?"

Janice smiled and leaned into the knot. Ignoring another blast of profanity from her daughter she replied, "No. It's a statement of fact. You're legally and officially an adult. More importantly, though, you're able to stand on your own two feet—you stood up to me pretty well, I have to say. Dannie, I'm very, very proud of you. I want you to know that."

Danielle smiled. "Well, I even scored two goals today," she quipped.

"I'm not just talking about hockey," her mother replied seriously. "You've become quite a woman, and I'm very proud to see you out in the world." With one final push, the knot dissolved—along with another layer of tensions between mother and daughter. Danielle sighed and wiggled her shoulder. Janice could see that she was almost fast asleep. A gentle smile lit up her face as she drifted off .

"Well, that was one speech wasted," Janice thought, but she knew that she would have many opportunities to repeat it—and she would. She pulled the covers over her daughter and carefully climbed in the other side of the bed so as not to disturb her.

They slept peacefully, each comforted by the other's presence.

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The third tournament game was an afternoon game and Janice had to work. When she returned home she saw Danielle's equipment laid out to dry in the garage. As she entered she called out, "Dannie, are you home?"

"I'm in here," came the voice from the kitchen. Janice entered the kitchen to see Danielle busily fussing over several boiling pots. "We're having spaghetti and meatballs," her daughter announced. "I saw it on the Food Network the other day and decided to make it sometime. Tonight's the night." She retrieved her phone, studied the recipe and frowned.

"Fuck, I forgot the basil," she cursed, blushing as her mother wordlessly handed her the jar of the herb. "I mean. Darn. I forgot the basil," she muttered as her mother gave her a gentle swat on the behind.

The meal was excellent, and they both ate well. Janice found the leftover wine from the pizza night and they both had a glass. It made Danielle feel very good that her mother would openly let her have a glass of wine.

"Are you becoming a permissive parent?" she had teased.

"No," Janice replied firmly, "Just the parent of an adult woman." She continued, "That was great, Dannie. You're a really good cook." Danielle beamed at the compliment, and Janice noticed how much her daughter valued her affirmations.

After they cleaned up, they watched TV together and finished the wine. Danielle's arm was sore again and Janice rubbed her back as they channel surfed. Finally Janice asked, "Dannie, do you want another massage?"

"Absolutely," her daughter replied eagerly. "I really liked the massage the other day."

This time Danielle came into her mom's room topless. "The t-shirt was a waste last time," she explained, flopping down on the bed.

Her mother wasted no time beginning the massage. As she made the long, sweeping strokes the full length of her daughter's back, she let her mind wander. She imagined Ellen's back and what it would feel like under her hands.

When she focused in on the knot again, she got the now-expected "fuck" from her daughter. She just shook her head—her little girl had indeed grown up—and realized that she found an odd enjoyment in it. Returning to the longer strokes, Janice allowed herself to feel every inch of her daughter's back.

Danielle, meanwhile, was fanaticizing about Mackenzie and how she would love to have her rubbing her back at this moment. She imagined that Mac's hands would just gradually roam lower and lower...

Absent-mindedly, Janice allowed her strokes to trail down onto Danielle's buttocks, working the glutes. Danielle was in heaven as she imagined Mackenzie's hands massaging her ass, moving down...

Janice marveled and how firm her daughter's ass was. Delighted, she allowed her hands to trail down further onto the legs. Daniele moaned as Janice worked her thighs. Then she moved down past the shorts and back onto bare skin, working the backs of the lower thighs and calves.

By now, Danielle was lost in her blissful fantasy. For her part, Janice was delighting in the feel of another woman's body. She moved her hands back up to her daughter's back, eliciting another sigh of pleasure.

Abruptly, Janice realized what she was doing and stopped, saying, " I think we worked out all the kinks, Dannie." She felt so close to the beautiful girl next to her, and she impulsively gave her a hug. She realized that she felt dangerously close to this...woman.

Danielle gave a low moan. "That was just starting to get good," she sighed as she rolled over. "My turn to hug," she said softly as her arms went around her mother. "You are the best," she whispered as they clung to each other.

Neither of them could find words, so they just held each other, hands rubbing each other's back, faces nuzzling each other's neck. Their legs intertwined and they clung to each other like enmeshed vines, wrapped around, over and through each other.

Several minutes later, Janice realized that Danielle again was asleep. This time she pulled the covers over them both, holding her daughter close. "I've never slept with anyone like this," Janice mused, "not even a lover." She pondered that thought as she drifted off to sleep.

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Danielle awoke first, still entwined with Janice. She gently extracted herself, but Janice woke, too.

"Sorry," Daniele whispered, looking down into her mother's face. She looked so peaceful, thought Danielle, so happy.

"That's ok," replied Janice. She looked up at her daughter, and neither of them spoke for a long time. "What?" she asked finally.

Danielle leaned forward and kissed her on the forehead. "That's what," she whispered.

Janice smiled. She leaned in and kissed Danielle on the nose. "Do you remember stinker-binker?" she asked with a smile, referring to a game they played when Dannie was little.

Danielle kissed her mother's nose and made a raspberry noise. "Stinker-binker to you," she said. Janice responded with one of her own, and they giggled. Then they stopped laughing.

Their faces now were very close together. They hovered, suspended in time and space, staring blankly into each other's eyes, neither daring to move or to speak. They clung to each other like two small grains, lost in a vast sea of dimly-understood emotions. Their hands wandered.

Unexpectedly, Janice found that she had her hand on Danielle's small breast. She was surprised to find the nipple erect. Danielle gave a little start, then sighed as the pleasurable sensation of having her nipple touched spread through her body.

Danielle took Janice's large breast in her hand. "Yours are so beautiful," she said softly, "so womanly and nurturing. I wish mine were like that, " she said sadly.

Janice took her daughter's face in her hands, "Oh Dannie," she said gently, "you have such a beautiful body. Your breasts are perfect just like they are. They're perfect for YOU."

Danielle smiled sadly. "Well, maybe," she said reluctantly, "but I still like yours. They're so full. So womanly. I love the way they feel."

Janice had never felt this close to her daughter. In fact, she had never felt this close to anyone—including her ex-husband. "Maybe," she thought, "there is something to this idea that only a woman can truly understand another woman."

She looked at her daughter, who was wistfully gazing at her breasts. She wanted to make her daughter happy and fulfilled...she wanted to see a smile on the face of the girl who meant more to her than anything.