Westrons Pt. 22

Koroba and Tudino said the same thing: "You have to talk to her."

Tallia used exactly the same words.

- "You have to talk to her, Cook. Poor thing."

Langoret had a slightly different take on matters.

- "You should speak to General Leydz." she suggested.

That wasn't a bad idea.

- "This is ... unprecedented." said the Penchen General. "I have never heard of one of our people entering the Change for ... someone of a different species."

- "Will this cause any difficulties for Captain Isaal?" I asked. "Will it affect her standing with the King, or within the army?"

General Leydz was a decent person, as he/she/it showed in that moment.

- "I wish that I knew, General Cook. For myself, I think that she is blameless in this matter. Who among us has chosen their change?"

That was an insight into Penchen sexuality that I hadn't expected. It certainly wasn't mentioned in the Sleepread lectures I'd absorbed.

"But I cannot speak for the High Command. Or for the King, obviously."

- "Do you intend to change Isaal's assignment?" I asked.

Leydz looked me in the eye. "Would Isaal's presence make you uncomfortable?"

- "I don't think so. No."

- "Then no, Sir. I won't change Captain Isaal's assignment. Not unless you order me to."

I offered Leydz my hand. "Thank you."

***

Isaal and Senau shared a tent, on the edge of the Penchen quarter of our camp, closest to my quarters. As tents go, it was considerably more spacious and more luxurious than the little pup tent Themis and I had shared at Tonol.

You can't knock on a tent flap, obviously, so I coughed loudly to announce my presence.

There was no indication that Isaal had heard me, or that she was even inside. I coughed again, waited a moment, and then lifted the tent flap.

Isaal was there. Her long hair hung in disorderly strands about her face. Her eyes were ... fixed on a distant point, as if she was staring through the fabric of the tent, at some sight a hundred yards away. Or even a thousand.

She hadn't heard me. The sudden motion, though, startled her. She blinked, and looked my way.

- "Oh!" Isaal turned her back on me, and quickly fumbled with her hair, gathering the loose strands and tying them into a proper Penchen queue.

- "May I ... come in?" I asked - in Penchen.

- "Yes, General. Of course you can come in."

Her voice was different. That was immediately evident. Isaal's cadence, the pace of her speech, hadn't changed ... but the pitch was different, and she sounded ... breathier, somehow. It came as a shock to me.

I knew that Isaal (the Isaal that I knew) was going to be different. I just hadn't expected the difference to be so obvious - and so immediate.

And then she turned to face me.

It wasn't a single feature that leapt out at me. Her hair was unchanged. Isaal's eyes looked at me - same as ever. Same up tilted nose - though maybe it was a little smaller.

But her eyebrows seemed higher, and more arched. Longer eyelashes. Her lips were a little more curved. Her cheeks were rounder.

If I concentrated on any one of those features, I rapidly grew confused. But the overall difference was obvious: Isaal was female.

I don't know what I'd been expecting: a cross-dresser? A transsexual in transition? Isaal didn't look like a man trying to look like a woman. Isaal was a she.

- "May I sit ...?"

- "Please."

I sat down, cross-legged.

- "Isaal ..." I began. I knew what I wanted to say, but it was difficult to organize my thoughts, with this familiar and yet completely strange person opposite me.

- "I'm sorry." she said.

- "Pardon?" Of all the things she might have said, I wasn't expecting that. "Why would you be sorry?"

- "I'm sorry if I've caused you any embarrassment. That was not my intent."

- "You didn't intend any of this." I said. "I didn't know until now that the Change happens whether you like it or not, but General Leydz explained it to me."

- "You spoke to General Leydz?"

- "Yes. There's no plan to send you home ... to re-assign you, or to change anything, really. Unless you want us to."

- "That was very kind of you. And of General Leydz."

- "Isaal ... if you were uncomfortable, or ... embarrassed, I would understand. I know that you wouldn't resign, or desert. You could have asked for a transfer, for another assignment - only ... you didn't. That makes me hope that you still want to work with me. With us."

- "Hope?" I couldn't read her facial expression. Serious. Concerned, obviously. But I didn't see any shame or ... I don't know what I was expecting.

- "I'm sorry. I don't - I don't mean to offend you. I liked having you as my liaison. I like you, Isaal. I enjoy your company. You have good instincts, and common sense to spare."

"Besides, if you leave ... I'll be stuck with Senau."

I heard Isaal take a breath. Then she laughed. It was most definitely Isaal, but it was also a sound I'd never heard before.

- "That would be a terrible fate." she said.

- "Isaal ... I learned a great deal in Cercen. The war - it'll begin in the spring. They're coming. I need ... your skills. Your expertise. Do you think ... that we could continue to work together?"

- "Would I not create problems for you, General? Or for ... Tallia? She's been very kind, and understanding. Not many Westrons are so comfortable, dealing with Penchens."

- "Jealousy is not one of Tallia's failings." I said.

- "Perhaps. But Colonel Tudino also has strong feelings for you. As does Koroba."

- "Neither of them want you to leave."

- "And Tallia's sister has borne you a child."

- "You're very well informed." I said. "Isaal - please don't take this the wrong way, but ... you seem remarkably composed. I thought you might be more ..."

- "Emotional? Embarrassed? I've been through those stages. I've had weeks to become accustomed to what was happening to me. And I've come to terms with my Change."

"It is what it is."

It is what it is. Not fatalism. Not passivity. But acceptance of something you can't change. I shouldn't have been surprised that Isaal was wise as well as intelligent.

***

It is what it is.

Isaal came back to work. Tallia hugged her, and welcomed her back. Koroba and Nasta were very kind. Madze didn't say anything; neither did Ishana, but it was hard for her to keep the look of mild disgust off her face.

Senau said nothing. It was a shame that he was such a cold fish; Isaal could have used some support. If he'd been a little warmer, even a little friendlier, I could have asked him for an impartial description of what Isaal was going through.

Langoret treated Isaal no differently than before. Most of the Colonels were pretty classy about the situation, except for Avette, who just ... disapproved. She didn't say anything, but the expression on her face spoke volumes.

The biggest asshole, of course, was ... me.

It wasn't homophobia, exactly; I just wasn't ready for someone who hadn't been female until very recently to be ... in love with me. So much so, that her entire body had transformed itself, so that ...

It's very flattering, when someone falls in love with you. That doesn't mean that you automatically and immediately fall in love with them. This was different, though.

Very different.

I stole a glance, now and then, when I didn't think she was looking. The changes were there to see - it wasn't just her face, and her voice. She had hips, suddenly. And a backside that was different from before (not that I'd been checking out her/his ass before then).

There was no question, too, that her shirt swelled noticeably in the front. I wasn't an asshole because I noticed the changes in Isaal.

I was an asshole because I paid extra attention to Tallia, and made love to her twice in one night - not our normal routine.

She was happy that night, but she was seriously ticked off at me the next morning, when she'd had time to think about it.

- "Don't you dare come to me again, like that!" she snapped.

- "Like what?"

- "Don't play stupid with me, Cook! You're trying to work out how you feel about Isaal - but you worked it out on me. Don't ever do that to me again!"

Everyone else had to notice the frosty relationship between the Commander in Chief and his Chief of Staff that day.

In the evening, I apologized.

- "You're right, Tallia. I'm sorry."

- "Huh. Well ... you'd better get your head out of your ass, General."

- "Wait - what?"

Tallia looked me in the eye. "You can't go on treating the poor girl like that."

- "What are you talking about?" I said. "Tallia - I have more than enough complications in my life as it is. I'm trying -"

- "She needs you. She won't come out and ask, but -"

- "I'm not going to have sex with her just because she asks me to!" As soon as I heard myself say that, I wondered if I meant it.

Tallia rolled her eyes. She raised a hand, and started counting on her fingers.

- "Aneli - twice. Avette - twice. Do I have to remind you? Tudino. Koroba. Oshide and Yehla."

Oshide.

I can't explain what happened to me. One moment I was angry - the next I had tears pouring from my eyes.

Tallia wrapped her arms around me.

- "I'm sorry, sweet. I didn't mean it." she said. "I loved her, too."

***

Tallia was right. Oshide had gone into hemmer right after the assassination attempt on me. Whatever purely sexual attraction was there, Oshide had also been worried about me. She hadn't chosen to go into hemmer.

How was Isaal any different?

I had to think like a Westron. Or like a Penchen? Isaal hadn't chosen to change, but she was nonetheless offering me one of the greatest gifts she had to give. It would be churlish to refuse - the equivalent of walking out on Tudino's first hemmer.

My head was still messed up. It was just so damned ... weird, when I thought about it. But my body wasn't so conflicted; every day, I was well aware that Isaal had somehow transformed into an attractive female.

I'd considered Isaal a friend, before this. She hadn't told anyone that I could speak Penchen. She'd stayed away from me, to spare me any embarrassment.

Sometimes you just have to shut off your brain - the darn thing doesn't always work right, anyways. I was trying to solve this problem with logic. Tallia, Tudino, and Isa herself had convinced me. I agreed with what they'd said.

But I'd been balking, like a high-strung show jumper. I just couldn't get over the last obstacle. Enough of that nonsense.

Time to start thinking with my heart, instead. And my body.

***

Koroba joined in on the intervention. She started nudging me, with her elbow, or her hip. When I looked at her, the diminutive blonde would pointedly look towards Isaal.

- "You can stop anytime, Koroba." I said. "I get the hint."

- "Apparently, you don't." she retorted.

Tudino came along to kick me while I was down.

- "I don't understand you." she said. "How can you treat her this way?"

- "Go ahead." I said. "Take your shot. Tell me why I'm an asshole."

Tudino punched me in the arm - hard.

- "YOU'RE NOT AN ASSHOLE!" she shouted.

Soldiers nearby turned their heads to look. It didn't stop her at all.

"You're the most wonderful male I've ever met. You took pity on me, and agreed to attend my hemmer because you sensed how broken I was ... and ..."

Tudino had to catch her breath. Tears were rolling down her cheeks.

"And you made me feel like a real woman. You even told me I was beautiful ..."

- "You are." I said. "You so are."

Tudino punched me again. Apparently, she could cry and punch me at the same time.

- "Don't be an idiot! Ninety-five out of a hundred women in this camp are better-looking than me. And the ones who are uglier don't have fucked-up hemmers."

I took hold of Tudino's arm to prevent her from punching me again. She hit hard.

- "You're beautiful, love." I told her. "Your hemmer is not fucked up - it's spectacular."

Tudino stopped trying to punch me. She looked up at me, her eyes still wet with tears.

- "See how wonderful you can be, my love? Why can't you do that for Isaal?"

- "I ..."

Damn. Tudino was playing me. Except that she wasn't.

"Isaal changed." she said. "Why can't you?"

***

Tallia provided us with a picnic lunch. Isaal and I sat on a grassy slope, watching the Penchen regiments drill. My bodyguards were within sight - but out of earshot.

There was no need for us for us to hide; every single soldier in the army, Penchen and Westron alike, knew what was happening.

"I'm sorry." I said. "I should have been more supportive. From the beginning."

- "You were." said Isaal. ""You made certain that I wouldn't be re-assigned against my wishes. And you came to see me as soon as you knew."

- "But I've been ..." I was going to say 'an asshole'', but she cut me off.

- "In shock. Why wouldn't you be? I was completely stunned myself - and I've been through the change before."

- "What's it like?"

- "Terrifying. The first time, because I'd never experienced anything remotely like it. The second time, because I knew that it wasn't supposed to be happening."

- "Can you tell me about it?" I asked.

- "It's painful. Excruciating, some days. Merely agonizing, the rest of the time. I'm exaggerating - a little. But it hurts. It isn't just the rearrangement of pliable parts; growing breasts or a penis feels very odd, but it's the changes in bone structure that are hardest to bear."

- "It sounds awful."

- "I'm making it sound that way. But the first time, my partner was going through the change at the same time. We shared the experience ... shared the pain. It was comforting, knowing that she was feeling the same thing."

- "She?"

Isaal nodded. "I was male, in that relationship. Jiril was her name."

- "Where is Jiril now?"

- "She was killed in battle - a few months before your winter raid on Napore."

I sat up a little straighter. "I'm so sorry."

- "Thank you."

We sat in silence for a while. Isaal was no doubt thinking of her lost lover, while I once again felt like an idiot for putting my foot in it.

- "How ... how did you ... come together?' I asked.

- "You mean - the change? I can't be certain - one never knows for sure. But Jiril and I served in the same regiment. We were friends, I suppose. Then Jiril was injured in training, and I was terrified that Jiril had been maimed."

"I went to see Jiril, in the hospital. It was obvious that I cared. Jiril told me later that she'd been hoping I would come. We both began to change soon after that."

- "How long were you together?"

- "Three years." said Isaal. "Oh - you mean, how long were we sexually active? Eleven months. Eleven wonderful months. We copulated every day. Twice a day, when we could."

- "Umm - so you considered yourselves together, even after ..."

- "Yes. We hoped that we would change together again. It would have been nice for me to be female, and her to be male. But there are no guarantees, when it comes to the change."

- "General Leydz said something like that."

- "Yes. It's the Penchen curse. And the Penchen blessing."

- "A blessing? How so?" I was genuinely curious.

- "It is what it is. Westrons know how to enjoy the moment. Their hemmers are so short, but tremendously intense. The Penchen change lasts much longer, but we only experience it a few times; we have to seize the opportunity."

- "It is what it is." I repeated.

- "Yes."

- "So ... you were a male." It hadn't been all my imagination.

- "Yes."

- "Isaal - why me?"

She laughed, showing her excellent teeth.

- "Who knows? But I can tell you this: when the change began, I knew right away that it was for you. I think it might have been the shoes that set me off."

- "The shoes?"

- "You marched Senau and me so hard that our shoes fell apart, and our feet were bleeding. Then you came back from Cercen with these soft leather shoes, and I understood that you cared about me."

"And then I realized that you understood Penchen."

- "Ah."

- "You have to understand, General. I've been observing you since the day we arrived. It's mostly professional respect - admiration for what you've achieved."

- "I've seen you watching." I admitted.

- "As I saw you listening." she said.

- "Sorry to change the subject - but could you stop calling me 'General'? Especially when we're alone."

- "I've heard Tallia and Koroba - and Tudino - call you 'Cook'. I would be honoured to do the same."

- "While we're on the subject of names," I said, "could I call you something other than Isaal? I'm sorry - but it seems to be a non-female name. At least ... to me."

- "I understand. What name would you like?"

- "Could I call you ... Isa?"

- "The same ... but different. How very appropriate. I like it."

I had a flashback, then, of Kanitz laughing at my use of the word 'appropriate'.

Westrons and hybrids, subtle hemmers, and overpowering hemmers. And Tudino. And my heart broke, as I realized - once again - how cold I'd been to poor Isa.

- "I'm so sorry ..." I said. I was on the verge of tears.

Isa put an arm around my shoulder.

- "It's the Change, Cook. It's not a river or a stream; the Change flows both ways."

"Give it time." she suggested.

- "You don't have that much time."

- "I caught you by surprise. As I said, I've had weeks to learn to accept what's going on. And I've been through it before. You've only had a few days, to accept something that has never happened before. Give it time."

***

I didn't neglect my duties. But my mind was occupied with non-military matters; there was no hiding that.

It is what it is.

For Tallia and Esyle, being hybrids meant that I was the best choice among a very limited field. They'd been in love with the 'idea' of me from the moment I arrived at their door. I didn't want to take advantage of their youth, of their innocence, but the sisters knew what they wanted.

For Kanitz, I was virtually the only option - strange that I'd never realized that before.

Aneli, Avette and Koroba had simply asked, and I accepted. No regrets.

Tudino asked, too; she needed me. That was different. I liked and respected her ... just as I liked and respected Isa.

The Change flows both ways.

- "Captain Isa, would you care to inspect the pickets with me?"

- "As you wish, General."

Of course, two of my bodyguards immediately attached themselves to us - Koroba and Madze, this night. I caught the little blonde's eye, and jerked my head. She immediately grinned and nodded. They kept their distance.

It was still autumn, but the nights were growing noticeably shorter. We were enjoying a last few days of high temperatures.

The first pickets we dropped in on were only mildly surprised; I had a habit of checking the outposts regularly, or sending the Colonels out to do it. Our pickets knew that there was a one in three or four chance that someone was coming around to make sure they stayed awake and alert.

Instead of heading towards the second outpost, I made my way down to the stream.

- "I was thinking of taking a dip, Isa." I said. "Not so many more chances to bathe before the weather gets cold."

- "I quite understand, General."

- "Actually, I was wondering if you wanted to join me."

She hesitated for a moment. "Are you sure ... Cook?"

- "Yes. I'd like to see you, Isa."

She chuckled at that. "Well, I wouldn't mind seeing you, either. If ... if you think it would be appropriate."