What Am I Bid

The annual school auction had come around again. You wouldn’t say it was tedious, but it was never the most exciting event of the year. In its ever-loving defence, is did raise funds for much needed school items.

This year Jill, a single mum who was one of the really hard-workers on the Parents and Friends Association, had roped me in to help with the running of the night. I had suggested/joked that something that could really help with be having alcohol available.

A day later Jill was back to say the principal would not allow the sale of alcohol in the school hall but she didn’t mind if people brought their own. So the fliers went out with the words BYO on them.

We had the usual selection of goodies, stuff retailers couldn’t sell which required a good dusting, dinner for one at the local restaurant if you bought another. Over the years we dutifully paid over the odds for these just to help out the school.

This year, as the new auctioneer, it would be my job to make sure we did it again.

I also suggested to Jill that we might do something I had seen at a few much grander charity auctions I had attended and that was have a couple of the more attractive parents – female – on stage to hold up the items as I auctioned them. I had to be pretty careful how I suggested it, not really knowing if Jill and the rest of her P and F were off the politically correct variety.

Without hesitation, Jill said she’s be in it. Until then, I probably hadn’t noticed how good looking she was. We were still talking about it when my wife Kelly emerged from cleaning up after dinner to ask what we were so excited about.

We told her and she said she was in too.

“I’ll leave you to work on the costumes,” I said. “I am going to wear a suit with a big bow-tie and a boater hat, just something to tart the night up a bit.”

“So I suppose you want us to tart ourselves up too,” Jill said.

“Up to you,” I replied … anything to make the night a little more exciting than in the past.

There were a few more phone calls to finalise details before the Saturday night came around.

I left early wearing my jeans and T-shirt to go and help set up. Kelly was to put the children to sleep, let the baby-sitter in and then follow just before the start of the auction.

Around 7.45, 15 minutes before the start, the people started rolling in. I noticed they had got the message about the alcohol. Large Eskies were being carried and wheeled in. I think a lot of people had been bored to drink in the past.

It was about then I saw Kelly arrive. Like wowwwwww!

She had on a short, black skirt, black stockings, heels I’d never seen before and a blouse and jacket.

Behind her was Jill … they must have got dressed together somewhere.

She looked just as delicious – red skirt, red shoes and a tight top underneath a white jacket.

They quickly went backstage to a small change room the kids used when they were taking part in school performances.

There were a couple of opening acts. A local comedian who wasn’t bad and really got the audience warmed up. I noticed the alcohol was being consumed at a generous rate, something he encouraged by making jokes about drinking at school.

The light supper was served and then a group of people asked if we could have a short break while they went out and got more drinks.

Knowing what impact alcohol can have on people at an auction, I announced on the microphone what would happen, and that as soon as everyone was back we would start the main event.

I went out to the back to where Jill and Kelly had been waiting and noticed two empty bottles of wine … they too were making use of the new schools rules!!!

“Ready for action,” I said. “I reckon you two will really help push up the prices tonight. You both look fantastic but I might have already told you.”

“Just a few times since we arrived,” Kelly said and I noticed just a slight tipsiness in her voice.

I went back out on stage, called everyone to order and then asked everyone to put their hands together for my two assistants for the night.

Out came Jill and Kelly and the place went wild, those who knew them laughing and clapping wildly at the joke and others just enjoying knowing it wasn't going to be quite as boring as in the past.

We got $100 for one of those dust-covered toasters, about three times what it is worth, with the first set of bids. It was obvious everyone was well charged.

Dinner for one at the local steak-house went for $50. You could feed two there for that price normally.

After about 15 minutes under the bright lights, Jill must have been feeling hot, so she took off her coat and was just holding it looking for somewhere to put it.

From somewhere in the audience, a voice yelled out: “I’ll pay $100 for that coat.”

Everyone laughed but then another voice said: “$110!”

I told the coat for $150.00 without even knowing if Jill wanted to donate it to the cause.

Quickly, Kelly stepped forward and took of her coat with a few exotic dance moves.

“$120,” a voice called out. “$125,” said another.

It too went for $150.”

Kelly sidled up to me and said “don’t stop”.

“What do you mean,” I asked.

“Auction my blouse you idiot,” she said.

“What,” I said?

“Auction my bloody blouse,” she blurted back, “or aren’t you up to it?”

Without thinking too long on the subject of up to what, I announced that the next item for sale would be the white blouse worn by Kelly.

A roar went up around the place followed by an offer of $250.

“$300!”

Eventually, it sold for $500 and Kelly moved to the front of the stage to take if off. The place just went mad as she stood there in her skirt and tiny bra.

I noticed that Jill had had a quick drink from her glass on the edge of the stage before coming across, grabbing the microphone and saying: “My top’s got to be worth more then that!”

There was another roar and I started the bidding at $250 and finished it at $375.

Jill removed her top, again causing great excitement. She had a strapless bra on, also red.

You’ve already guess that Kelly was coming forward to offer her bra. She was, I found out later, pissed off at Jill and I for getting more money for Jilly’s top.

“Just do it,” she said as I hesitated, “it’s all for a good cause.”

“The lady has offered her bra to support the school,” I said, the pun utterly unintended but getting a good laugh.

“$1000” a voice said.

This was crazy. We’d already beaten the last three or four years of fund-raising with one bid!!!

“$1100.”

“$1500,” the first voice responded.

You suddenly realise how many people lust after your wife when something like this happens. She’s a sensation woman, I know that. And I know I look at other people’s wives from time to time and think, mmm, wonder what she’s like under those clothes.

Here now was the chance for a few blokes to find out what Kelly stripped like and they weren’t about to miss the chance. Well I thought it was only blokes. All sorts of dynamics come into play at these times, especially when people have had plenty to drink.

“$2000,” a female voice called out.

Kelly by now was absolutely preening herself in pride, strutting back and forth across the stage, turning and smiling at Jill. Top this, or topless this, she might have been saying.

It went once, twice, thrice at $2000 and Kelly stepped forward to remove the bra. The joint went quiet and I wondered if she’d have the gumption to keep going.

She turned her back to the audience, which probably seemed like her compromise. She put her hands behind her back, unclipped the bra, took it off, held it above her head, then turned around to face the audience.

They went ballistic and the woman who purchased the bar ran forward to claim it.

I expected Kelly to make an exit back-stage about now but no she just sidled up to Jill and said “see if you can beat that”.

I announced, without waiting for confirmation from the owner, the red bra was now available for auction at $1500.

“$1600.” It sold, at $1999 as I pushed people towards the $2000.

Jill was thrilled at that price and didn’t even bother to turn her back, just took it off and wiggled her breasts playfully as the bra’s new owner came forward.

Where do you go from here? Well the woman who had bought Kelly’s bra came up on stage, grabbed the microphone and announced that as she had a new bra she didn’t need the old one and it was now for sale.

“We can’t see what it’s worth,” I said.

So she took off her shirt to expose a lacy pink number.

“$1000,”, a voice called out.

The night ended with about seven topless women alongside me on stage.

We had raised $15,000.

I went home to the best night of sex I had had for a long time. Kelly told me how much she had enjoyed exposing herself like that and confessed she would have gone further if the opportunity had arisen.

"What do you mean, further," I asked.

"The skirt," you idiot.

I know our school auction was the talk of the town for a long time afterwards.

PS: This really happened!!!! Other highlights of the night was a condom competition where people were asked to put them on my microphone and judged for their technique. The winning mum put on the condom and gave the microphone a blow-job.

I know a lot of blokes had great sex that night. Sometimes when you’re a parent, you’ve just got to have moments of madness in order to stay sane. I do believe this was a communal one of those times.