What are Friends for Ch. 01

"Me too."

"I know how hard that is. That thing with the carrots earlier? That's every day with my mom."

Quinn rolled to look up at her, and frowned.

"It's not enough that she drives herself completely insane with her dieting, she has to throw it in my face too every chance she gets. She could give a Masterclass on microaggressions.

"She'll ask if I want a soda, and then give me a diet even though there's perfectly good regular Coke in there. She'll pretend to be surprised if I want a second helping of something. Sometimes, she'll change her recipes so that there isn't enough for me to have seconds. She hides snacks, or won't buy them when she goes shopping. I keep trying to tell her that, like, some fat is important to a diet and that some fats are good fats, but all she cares about is whatever stupid diet she got off Pinterest this week.

"It's every day, and it's exhausting because, like, she's my mother, right? She's sooo quick to point out that she wants what's best for me, in her own twisted way." Trish looked away, her voice getting softer. "It's hard not to wonder if she's right. Especially when I'm the only one who sees it."

"She's not," Quinn said.

"I know that," Trish fired back, but then said, "I do," much softer. "Most of the time."

Quinn scooted a little closer, and wrapped her arms around Trish's middle.

"Why do parents pass this shit on? It's like they can't figure out their own problems, and at a certain point they just give in to the madness and hope we can do better."

"Honestly," Quinn said with a frown, "I don't think my Mom wants me to do better than she did. I think she'd be jealous."

Trish turned, freeing her hands just long enough to unwrap a couple more pieces of chocolate. One for each of them.

"Thanks," Quinn said.

"Of course."

"I don't know why it does, but it helps to know I'm not the only one that inherited a complex."

Trish sat back a little, smiling as she ran her nails slowly through golden strands. Her computer chimed, but she made no move to find out why.

After a minute, Quinn laughed. "I was just thinking 'how come nobody knows how to give a compliment?' You know? Like, I would feel better about myself if my Mom or my friends could just say something nice once in a while without making it creepy. Or using it as an opportunity to try to get me to do something, or get something from me." She laughed again, shaking her head. "And you literally, one minute ago, just said 'Quinn, you're beautiful' and I didn't even hear it. Not really."

"I tried to tell you you aren't stupid." Trish said with a half-smile.

"You said that too!" Quinn said, eyes widening. "See? This is how dumb I am, you know? It's like it doesn't even matter what people say to me because, if I don't already think it's true I won't hear it!"

Trish nodded, and continued to scratch her friend's head.

"I don't like myself."

"Well... what are you going to do about that?"

"Try to get you to be my friend again," Quinn said softly. "After that, I don't really know."

"What don't you like about yourself?"

"I don't know... everything?"

"Okay, okay. Look. Who we are is made up of a lot of different parts, or layers maybe. Some are tangible, and some are intangible."

"What does that mean?"

Trish frowned. "Ummm... like... the bed is tangible. You can touch it, but... like... thoughts are intangible."

"Got it."

"So, let's start with the easy one. Tangible ones are easy. You are not ugly. You're beautiful."

"Thanks," Quinn said, though her voice fell as she said it.

"One thing at a time, okay?"

She nodded.

"You don't need plastic surgery. For, like, anything. You've got one of those faces that's going to be beautiful at fifty, you know? You've got cheekbones, you bitch."

"Thanks," she laughed.

"That's the point I was trying to make. You... your face is..." Trish blushed and swallowed hard. "You have a really beautiful... and just... You don't need plastic surgery, okay?"

"It's not perfect."

"What does perfect even look like? How would you know it when you got there? Don't worry about perfect, okay? Perfect is stupid."

"Yeah, but... I don't know how to not obsess about stuff."

"Like what?"

Quinn drew her legs in closer to her body.

"Are you not comfortable talking about it?"

"I don't... I don't know how you own it," Quinn said.

"Own what?"

"Being gay."

Trish recoiled like she'd been hit in the face with water. "What!?"

"I'm sorry. That came out wrong."

"How should it have come out?"

"When I told Kim and Blair about you kissing me, you just... you owned it. You were like 'yeah. I'm gay'."

"It was a little more complicated than that," Trish said drolly.

"I tried to do the same thing. To own it when something backfired, and it... it didn't work out like I planned."

"What happened?"

"Umm. In sophomore year, I was dating Eric LaMarr, and we, um..." She paused to sniff. "He was my first."

"Wasn't Eric a senior?"

"Yeah," Quinn said softly. "Other girls were, you know, so I did too. I went along with it when he wanted to... to do more."

Trish narrowed her eyes. "What other girls?"

"I don't know. That's just what he said."

Trish growled.

"Anyway, it didn't... like... hurt? Not like I was expecting it to, so I was kind of happy, but... he wasn't."

"Eric LaMarr wasn't happy that he'd just had sex with a sophomore?"

Quinn shook her head. "He yelled at me. He said I couldn't be a virgin, and that I was some kind of slut."

"Whoa," Trish said, holding out her hands. "You are... you're skipping something."

"He said I was... loose," she said, wrapping her arms around her knees. "He said, not only was I a liar, because I wasn't a virgin, but that I had to be cheating on him. Because I wasn't tight."

"So because Eric LaMarr has a small dick, you're a slut?"

Quinn blushed. "He was, I dunno... average-ish?" She extended her hands in front of her and held her index fingers half a foot apart. "Maybe? It was in his car, and it was dark."

"Don't apologize for him."

Quinn nodded sadly. "But, like... he broke up with me and told all his wrestling buddies that I was easy. So I tried to... you know..."

"Oh Quinn..."

"I just thought, 'I'll own it'. So, like, when one of them would touch me, I sorta went along with it."

Trish scooted to the side, and pulled her up so Quinn's head was resting on her shoulder.

"I liked the attention... sort of, but there was always this voice that said it was the wrong kind of attention and I didn't... I don't know. You know?"

"Oh Quinn."

"But the voice got louder and louder, to the point that I'd be in tears almost as soon as the sex was over. One of them told me it was a good thing I was such a good fuck to make up for all the crazy."

"Quinn!"

"I really missed you," she whimpered.

"I don't understand," she said, cradling Quinn's head. "Were you really a virgin?"

"Yes," Quinn snapped. "I just... I dunno. I'm... big."

"What do you mean 'big'?"

"I dunno... Not small?"

"Quinn, I'm..." Trish took a deep breath. "Okay. Look. I want to help you—"

"Oh," Quinn said, slumping. "Okay."

"No no. I do, but..." She grumbled under her breath for a moment. "Look, before we go any further here, I need to say this. I've missed you too, but I'm gonna kill you if you go back to being distant and snotty with me again."

"I won't," Quinn said eagerly. "I won't. I had my wake up call. I'm awake now."

"I will seriously kill you."

"I know," she said, nodding. "Me too."

"I hate our school. I can't wait to get away."

"Me too."

"It's like living in a fucking glass bowl. Everyone knows everyone else's shit." Trish grumbled again, shaking her head. "Look. You know I had a crush on you, right?"

Quinn nodded.

"And really I... I still do." She released her hold on Quinn, and Quinn turned as she sat up. "Even when I hated you, I still..." Trish sighed. "I want to help. I want you to feel better about yourself, but... I'm chewing a hole in my tongue here trying to walk the line between compliments and flirting because, you know, I would just be doing that for myself. Because I like you. I'm trying really hard to be honest about that."

"Okay," Quinn said, frowning.

"The thing is, even if I give you a compliment from, like, a completely neutral place, you would probably still hear it with a motive. And that's fair. I can be impartial, and a good friend, but I'm human too."

"Okay."

"So... instead of me trying to convince you of something, I want to try to help you see yourself the way I see you. Because that's what I think you need right now."

"O...kay..."

Trish licked her lips and opened her mouth to talk several times, but every time she was about to start speaking she abruptly pursed her lips.

"Are you okay?" Quinn asked.

"Yeah, I'm just... struggling to be better than human."

Quinn blushed, and they both looked down.

"Okay, so... do you... I can't figure out how to say this without being awkward. Do you masturbate?"

Quinn blinked. "Sometimes?"

"Okay," Trish said, swallowing hard. "And when you do, do you... do you climax?"

"...Sometimes?"

"Hate that word," she muttered. "Don't know why I can't just say cum." Her lips twisted. "Cum. Cum, cum cum." Trish nodded in grim approval. "Okay. On a scale of, like, one to ten, how good does it feel?"

"I don't know... Four? Five? Why?"

"Well... Okay. So I haven't really had anyone in my life for a while. You know, I have friends, and people that I talk to, but I haven't really gotten physical with anyone because... I've just kinda been learning to be happy with myself. And I, uh... I took the time to learn my body, and figured out how to take care of myself. Figured out how good my body can make me feel. Does that make sense?"

"Sort of?"

"Feeling good about my body helps me feel good about myself. Still with me?"

"Sort of?"

"I have a... uh... I'm like you are, I think."

"You have a..." Quinn's voice dropped off as she pointed down between her legs. "A big... a—"

"Yeah," Trish said.

"How big?"

"Well, I mean, it..." Trish looked up at the ceiling and squinted. "It stretches. You know. So..."

Quinn gasped and sat forward, suddenly much more intent. "Do you... like..."

Trish tilted her head and frowned as she stared at the hand gestures Quinn was making. "This is gonna get really confusing if we can't use words."

"I know!"

"Like it's so embarrassing we've gotta just trail off at the end of every sentence."

"I know!"

"I'm just gonna say it. I have a big vagina. I have big labia, and a big vagina. I could put my whole hand in there years ago."

"Wow," Quinn said breathily.

"The hole is a... is a muscle, you know? It can stretch some and tighten when I want it to, but... I like the way it feels when I'm full. I shouldn't have to feel embarrassed to admit that. I do, but I shouldn't."

"And you do that by yourself?"

"Yeah."

"How?"

"Toys."

Quinn stared, slack-jawed, while Trish turned increasingly red. "What kind of toys?"

"Like... big ones."

"How big?"

Trish hesitantly leaned over the edge of her bed, grabbed a school bag from underneath, and pulled it into her lap. Quinn's head fell to the side, and her eyes went large as the brunette unzipped the bag and pulled out a realistic-looking dildo. Trish's hand was wrapped around the base of the shaft, and it was so thick that the tips of her fingers were nearly two inches from her thumb. "This was the first one that I bought."

"You have ones that are bigger than that?"

Trish nodded. Slowly at first, and then more emphatically.

"It's so veiny," Quinn said, covering her mouth with her hand.

"Yeah, those..." Trish turned it to the side and smiled fondly at it. "Those feel nice."

Quinn stared at it, her eyes drifting slowly from the flared head down to the base where a pair of silicone balls hung. She followed it as Trish set it down on the bed and reached back into her back.

"I also use this sometimes," she said.

"Duck lips?"

"It's called a speculum," Trish said. "It's... I don't know. It doesn't have the same 'full' feeling that a bigger toy has, but if you just keep twisting this little knob here, it... like... it stretches." Trish demonstrated slowly, turning the small screw and opening it up by degrees. "It's kind of... agonizing?"

"Oh," she said, frowning.

"No, but like... I don't know how to describe it, but it feels good to play with myself..." Trish looked up at the ceiling and swallowed. "...with my clit... when it's... like, all the way. Like this only stretches the vaginal opening, and it's... I don't know. But I like it."

Quinn stared at the speculum in apprehension and nodded. "Okay."

"Lube, obviously," Trish said, pulling out a white bottle with a red cap. "And then... my hand."

Quinn blinked at her hand for a moment before understanding dawned on her. "Oooh. I can... I can fit... four? Fingers?"

"Do you use lube?"

"No, just... just what I..."

Trish nodded.

"Is it weird that I never talked with anyone about any of this? Like my Mom gave me the talk, but... I've never heard her say the word vagina before, and I think she would faint if I said clit."

"My mom always calls it a hoo haa," Trish laughed. "Like 'look out world! Me and my enormous hoo haa are coming for you'!"

"See?" Quinn said, leaning forward. "I don't know how you own things like that!"

Trish smiled bitterly. "I kind of had to. I didn't like hiding who I was, or how I felt about things. I was getting depressed. Sure, people look at me weird now and call me names, but I can handle that stuff when it's out in front of me. I sleep better now."

"Where did you get all of these?"

"You would be shocked what you can get just from Amazon."

"You didn't need to go to, like, one of those stores everyone is always sneaking in and out of?"

"Nope," Trish said, shaking her head. "Came in a box. I tracked it, and just made sure I was home before my mom that day. I've got one on order now that'll be the biggest one I have. I bought it with a gift card from my Granddad."

"Oh my god, that's terrible!" Quinn covered her mouth and squealed. "What am I saying? I didn't mean that to sound... I just mean that it was kind of... um... what's the word?"

"Subversive?" Trish said with a smile.

"Yes! And that's awesome."

"Thank you," she said, bowing slightly.

Quinn squirmed as she looked down at the dildo again. Friction between her thighs, and warmth. Lots of warmth.

"You look like you want to try that."

"What? No! No." She sighed and shook her head. "See? I did it again. Yes. I do. And I'm, like, nervous, and scared and excited all at the same time."

"Okay, look. I've never had..." Trish closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "I've never had that kind of sex. Penetrative sex. I'm-I'm clean. You can try that one, and keep it when you're done if you like it."

"You don't want it?"

"I've kind of moved past it," Trish said, blushing.

Quinn reached down and gasped as she picked it up. "It's so heavy! I wasn't expecting it to be heavy! It's like a soda can!"

"No," Trish laughed. "It's not as big as a soda can. Trust me."

"I don't know that I could..." Quinn turned it over in her hands and ran her fingertips along the veiny protrusions.

"Look," Trish said, blushing again. "If you'd like, you could... try it now. You could, like, keep your skirt on. You don't even need to get naked. You could kinda, you know, sit on it."

"Sit on it," Quinn repeated blankly.

"Yeah, and I could... I could leave the room... for a little bit. If you want me to."

"Would it be weird if I wanted you to stay?"

"No," Trish said softly. "I can... I can be a good friend."

"What about your mom?"

Trish planted one foot on the ground and looked out of her window. "Her BMW is gone, so she's probably off to... I want to say pilates."

"When did she stop doing Zumba?"

Trish looked back at her and laughed. "You have been gone a while, huh? It was Spin class last month, but I swear she said she was starting pilates again. It's always something new and she's so sure this will be the thing that fixes her." Trish stared sadly, out the window, for a moment, and then slid back onto the bed.

"So there's no one else in the house?"

"Just us," Trish said. She ran her hands through her hair, collecting the brown strands, and pulled a tie off of her wrist to put it up into a quick, messy ponytail. "Okay. So... are you sure?"

"I think so," she said, "but if I think about it too much I'll probably talk myself out of it."

"It's okay to have second thoughts about somethi—"

"I want you here," Quinn said firmly, even as she looked down and away.

***

"Okay," Trish said, trying to hide the nervous shake in her hand. "How tight are your panties?" When Quinn just stared blankly at her, Trish blushed in embarrassment. "If they're, like, elastic and a little stretchy, you could probably just pull them to the side and not, like, have to get all the way out of them."

"Oh." Quinn bit her lip and rose up on her knees. Trish looked away, pouring out some of the lube onto her hand and smearing it onto the head of the flesh-colored dildo while Quinn reached under her skirt, hooked her thumbs into her panties, and pushed them down to her knees. She waddled a little and had to reach back to get them off around her shoes, and then quickly tucked the blue and white lace into her purse.

"The... um..." Trish stammered as she held up the dildo. "The balls on this one are... um..." She turned and cleared her throat. Every word felt harder to get out "They kind of give this, like, a stable base? So you can like set it down and it will kind of stay put?" She placed it down on the bed between them to demonstrate. "You can get some that have, like, a suction cup on the end so you can stick it to a wall or something, but this one is... is for mounting."

"Okay," Quinn said, keeping her knees very tightly together.

Trish added another dollop of lube to the top of it and smoothed it down with her hand. "You can never have too much," she said shakily.

Quinn nodded and reached forward to take the dildo. Trish looked up and away as Quinn spread her legs slightly and slid the toy underneath her skirt. Her cheeks flushed with color at hearing the tiniest wet sounds as the blonde's lips parted. "Oh my god it's huge," she gasped, as she wiggled her hips.

"Don't worry," Trish said, testing her resolve by looking Quinn directly in the eye. "Once you get past the head, it's—"

"OH IT'S IN!" Quinn cried, eyes popping and jaw hanging low. "Oooooh holy fuck!"

Trish bounced nervously, reaching for and then pulling back from grabbing Quinn's hand. "Are you okay? Is it... is it..."

"Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God."

"Quinn? Honey? Are you okay?"

"I can't believe that thing is inside of me!"

"Does it hurt? Are you in pain?"

Quinn bit down hard on her lip, until the skin around it was pale, and she stared right back into Trish's eyes. Holding her gaze for a moment while she shuddered before looking away. "I don't... I... It... Yes."

"It hurts?"

"No-No. I mean... Yes, but..."

"But it's kind of a good kind of hurt?" Trish asked, leaning in a little.

"Yeeeeees!" Quinn moaned.

"Ok!" Trish said, laughing as some of the anxiety melted away. Quinn squinted one eye closed and blew out a long breath as she lowered herself a little more. "Okay. Umm... Like I said. A lot of the time, for me, I'm doing this at the same time that I'm... you know... stimulating other areas, but for right now, let's maybe just stick with this."