What Could Have Been

As a matter of fact, it was a fitting way to put those childish dreams behind me. I think that everyone, at sometime in their life, is going to get kicked in the teeth and have to pick themselves up. We are measured as men and women, not by our capacity to be knocked down by the ills of life and love, but by our ability to get up from them. I walked away from that heartbreak, bruised and battered, but also stronger and harder, if a bit less open and far less innocent.

My good fortune continued as my friends and their new lady friends got back on the bus among the first to arrive. As I pretended to nap, they surrounded me and wrapped me in a cushion of compassion.

Less than ten minutes later, Felicia got back on the bus among a group of people from the back of the bus. As she passed by me, dragged by one of the larger guys who had possessively enfolded her in one of his massive arms, she flashed a glance at me. There was a strange emotion written all over her face. I couldn't tell if it was regret or guilt, but I pretended I was still asleep.

Over the next few days in school, I heard all kinds of stories about what had happened those last two hours at the park. I heard that Brad Jameson had kissed Felicia several times. I also heard that he had his hands all over her. I pretended that I no longer cared, but in reality, each new story and rumor ripped my heart to shreds all over again.

Of course, an environment like a school is relatively small and insular, so inevitably we ran into each other a few times before the school year mercifully ended. And for some reason, the sparks continued to fly each time our eyes met. She often tried to initiate a conversation and I always simply politely nodded and said, "Hello," before shuffling away on some pretend errand before she could actually say anything. There were several times when she tried to corner me, but usually the forces of the universe that had aligned to give us that perfect morning conspired to keep us apart in the form of either Kathy or one of the hulking guys, who, for some reason, seemed to be following her around now.

Her last futile effort came on our graduation day. Just as we stepped off the stage, with the fruits of four years of hard labor and maturation, she grabbed me and uttered the words that no man, even a newly minted one who has just broken free of the cocoon of boyhood, wants to hear.

"This bullshit has gone on long enough, Jerry," she said. "We need to talk. And we need to do it now before it's too late." I was caught like a deer in the headlights before her seemingly righteous fury.

"If there's any talking going on, it needs to be between us," hissed Kathy Sanders. "Get your skanky ass away from him." I took that moment to, in the words of Snagglepuss," Exit stage left," and return to my parents and friends who'd come to see me graduate. We went out for a great dinner and I didn't give Felicia much thought that summer.

That summer I worked my ass off. I worked all kinds of shifts and saved enough money to buy my first car. I bought a used 1988 Mustang GT 5.0. It was red. It was hot and it was my next true love and the first of my true loves that was actually true to me. In the last few weeks before I left for college, that car and I really got around.

I did hear from my friends that Felicia was desperately trying to find me. In fact, one of the guys who worked across the street from the factory I worked in had given me her phone number. He knew her family and had promised to give me her number. I took it to be polite and simply tossed it away as soon as he left. I still had feelings for her but I realized that things between us were more of a fantasy than anything sustainable. Besides, I considered myself a man of the world even though at almost nineteen, I was still a virgin. My car had given me more self-confidence and I had strong ideas about what I wanted in a woman and though she was still my fantasy girl, Felicia didn't fit the bill in real life.

I've often wondered what it was that was so important that she wanted to say to me. I just didn't wonder enough to actually want to hear it. The experience with her had taught me several valuable lessons. Not the least of which was that I needed someone in my life that I could count on through thick and thin, not thick and fat. Any woman who'd run off with a different guy as soon as the money ran out wasn't my type.

I left for college without ever seeing her again. I didn't know which school she was going to and I hoped she didn't know anything about mine. Of course, I went to Michigan. It was close enough to actually drive home every weekend or even during the week if I had an emergency. And naturally, I never did make it home until Thanksgiving and then again for Christmas. I got so immersed in my studies and my budding social life in Ann Arbor that I just couldn't find the time to make it home.

When springtime came around, Mike, Steve and I, all went to Florida together to blow off some steam. We partied hard and had a great time and none of us mentioned high school or anyone we knew there. Summer came and I got an internship at Ford. I was far too busy and too tired to do much other than work, eat and sleep during the week, but I let my hair down on the weekends, within reason.

I dated some and hung out with my friends some. No one had seen hide nor hair of Felicia and I didn't care. There were rumors that she'd been in the hospital, but again it simply didn't warrant enough interest for me to even ask about it.

Fall found me back at school and occasionally dating a girl or two here or there, but there was really nothing serious in my life except for school and my car.

The following summer, I was twenty years old and armed with my Associates degree I got a far better position in a manufacturing plant a few miles outside of Detroit. I was making very good money even if it was just for the summer.

I went to a few parties with Mike and Steve. We'd just hear about someone having one and jump into my Stang and head over. It was at one of those events on a Friday night that it happened.

I was doing my usual scenery watching and occasionally pretending I knew how to dance when I heard the voice behind me.

"Why didn't you ever call me Jerry?" There was no need to turn around. I knew from the sound of the voice who it was and the goose bumps all over my body only served to remind me how I'd once felt about her. But I'd done two years of growing and maturing and I was sure that I could handle her. So I turned to face her and found myself unprepared for her as usual.

Sure, I'd gotten a bit taller and put on a few good pounds. My voice was deeper and I was surer of myself, but Felicia...? There was simply no way to describe her. She was incandescent. She was so pretty it hurt my eyes to look at her.

If it was possible, her breasts were even fuller and her hips had widened a bit to make her seem more mature, more womanly. Her legs were still curvy and beautiful. As usual, she was simply on a different level of maturity than all of the other girls around us. She was simply a woman among girls. There was just something extra about her. There was also something different about her, but I couldn't put my finger on it.

"You know, I thought we had something special." she said. "What happened?"

I just snorted. Either her memory was selective or she thought I was stupid. "It was nice seeing you again Felicia..." I began and she just erupted. This time there was no Kathy around to protect me.

"I've been kissing your ass or trying to for more than two years now," she screamed. "All I wanted to fucking know is why you bailed on me. Even the worst criminal in the world deserves to know what he's guilty of. Fuck, is it so hard for you to just do me the courtesy of talking to me?" Everyone at the party had turned to look at us.

"Fuck you, Jerry. All this time I've thought that you were different. I thought you were something special. I've been holding onto this fantasy about us and I can see now that's exactly what it was..." Her voice was getting louder as she spoke. Finally I just grabbed her by her arm and pulled her outside. She offered no resistance at all.

I pulled her out to my car and opened the passenger door and pushed her inside. She crossed her legs and let her head sink back into the thick black leather. She smiled and placed her hand on top on mine on the gear shift as I drove away from the party.

I drove to a secluded area in front of the same lake the party we'd just left had been on. But we were alone there, away from nosy people and prying eyes and ears.

She smiled at me again. "This is much better Jerry," she said.

"Felicia, aren't you worried?" I asked. "We don't know each other anymore. We haven't seen each other in a couple of years or spoken in longer than that. No one knows where we are. What about your friends? They don't even know you left the party. Anything could happen to you."

"Jerry, I don't have any friends. I was at the party alone. I went to the party for the sole purpose of seeing you. This is where I'm supposed to be. Besides, you'd never hurt me. You still love me, even after the last two years that we've been apart. We just need to work out our little problem," she said.

"What the FUCK are you talking about?" I asked. "We spent part of one day together when we were in high school. I spent the entire morning obsessing over you and buying you shit until I didn't have any money left. Then you ran off with the first available guy who still had some to spend on you. Any feelings I did have for you were burned away then. All I got for my trouble was pain, heartache and embarrassment for the rest of the school year. That and to have to constantly listen to stories about what you did with Brad as soon as you left me. What part of that sounds like love to you? If that IS love, I don't need it."

"Is that REALLY what you thought?" she asked. "You're an asshole and a confused one. I didn't dump you for Brad, dumb ass. I dumped Brad for you. Brad was kind of my boyfriend at the time and he'd paid for my trip. I chose to spend that day with you because...You really don't get any of this do you? Maybe I'm the only one who felt it. Maybe you're just like all the rest of them. You're just mesmerized by my titties and don't really give a damn about the rest of me." Her face turned red and I saw tears forming in the corners of her eyes.

"Here you go," she said. As I watched she started unbuttoning her shirt. "I guess this is all I am."

I grabbed her hand and stopped her. "What are you doing?" she hissed. "Don't you want to see them? There's no one around here. Maybe you were planning on fucking me. I hope you have a blanket in your car. I've hear getting sand in your pussy isn't a good feeling." I just looked at her in shock.

"I hope you at least won't go around telling everyone after we do it. That's why I don't have any friends now," she said with huge tears rolling down both cheeks.

I was shocked. It was all news to me. "And for your information, I didn't leave you at that stupid park. I went with Brad for one reason. I wanted to borrow some money from him so you and I could spend the rest of our time together. Brad was an asshole around his friends. He needed to act like a big shot when they were around, but alone he was okay," she said.

"He kept telling me we'd just get on one ride and then I could leave. He could only give me twenty dollars though. I figured it was enough. You and I had already bought souvenirs and all of the rides were covered with our wrist bands. Do you know that I still have that shirt that you bought me? I don't wear it unless I'm feeling down. And, of course, I can't wear it in public..."

"Why not?" I asked.

She looked at me and smiled while she shook her head. "Jerry, Honey, my uhm attributes are quite a bit bigger than they used to be. Trust me if you were jealous of Brad, you wouldn't want me to wear that shirt for anyone but you," she said.

"Anyway, he kept telling me one more ride until I finally put my foot down and went to find you. He came along and when I couldn't find you, I gave in and walked around with him and his friends. And yes, he did try to grab my boobs and my ass, that's what men do isn't it? And that was one of the things that let me know that you were the one I was supposed to be with. Jerry, you treated me like a person. And not only that, but like a person who meant something to you. Even when I rubbed my titties on your arm, I could tell you liked it, but you didn't try to take advantage of me."

"That only confirmed what I thought, that both of us had felt when we first looked into each other's eyes. But now I can see that I felt it alone," she said. "I'm sorry to bother you. It won't happen again. This is just another example of me being stupid and jumping to the wrong conclusion. Could you please take me home or at least back to the party? I can probably get a ride back from there or get on the bus. I've been left out on the road once or twice and it's never pleasant," she said.

We got back into my car and I drove in silence thinking about what she'd said. During the drive back to the party, her hand crept over to mine, but I didn't say anything. Finally it just came out in a rush of quick words and gasps.

"You weren't alone, Felicia," I said. "I've been crazy about you from the first time I saw you. That was two years before Cedar Point. Most of the things you heard about me staring at you don't begin to tell the story. I turned down a chance to go to the prom with Kathy Sanders because she wasn't you..." She put her hand over her mouth and gasped.

"No wonder she hated me so much," she smiled.

"I guess that's why I was so hurt," I said. "I've never been very religious. I guess you were the closest thing I ever came to worshiping something. So that day at the park was like all of my dreams coming true at once." She blushed and looked away from me then.

We were interrupted by a beeping sound from my wrist. "What was that?" she asked.

"That was my 'get my ass in bed so I can make it to work,' alarm," I said sadly. "I have a summer job working as the assistant production manager in a plant outside of town. If I can get a job on that level when I'm done with college, I'll clear a hundred grand a year easily, so I need to do a great job so they'll hire me when I'm done with school."

"Jerry, can we please start over again?" she asked. "I know I messed things up but I really want us to be together. We belong together."

I was taken aback. I couldn't believe she'd said that.

Before I could answer, she scooted over in the seat and kissed me. Although it was only a chaste little peck on the lips, I felt like my head had exploded. She squeezed my arm and rubbed those big soft boobs against me just like she had the day of the trip to the park and I melted. All of the things I thought I'd learned just melted away and I was hooked again.

"Honey, tomorrow we need to have a serious talk. There's no time tonight, but there are a few mistakes I've made in my life that you have to know about before you give me an answer. I want to be totally honest with you, but Jerry you need to know that I've only ever been in love with one man in my entire life and that's you," she said. I nodded woodenly as she said all of the right things. I dropped her off at her cheap first floor apartment instead of the party and drove off to make it home in time to get a few hour of sleep before work.

My Mustang was fast, but I could have flown home on the wings of love and gotten there quicker. All through the next day at work nothing could faze me. I was happier than I'd been at any time in my life except for at Cedar Point. I got off work earlier than I'd told her and even though I stopped off and bought her flowers, I got to her apartment over an hour before I told her I'd be there.

I bought her flowers to let her know that despite what she thought, I still cared for her too. Whatever she'd gone through in life wouldn't matter as long as we were together. I figured if I was too early, I'd just wait for her in front of her apartment. I planned for us to go out to a nice restaurant so she could tell me her story in comfort as we ate.

I could already see us together in both my mind and my heart. I guess it was like when my father taught me to box. I was so busy looking at things to see how they should go that I tended to lead with my chin. I got knocked on my ass a lot while he taught me to box.

I would look my father over for any signs of weakness or holes in his guard and just as I thought I saw one, the canvas would come up to caress my back yet again. I got knocked down a lot while I learned to box. But the lessons I learned would serve me well throughout my life.

And so it was that afternoon as I walked up to Felicia's apartment. The neighborhood wasn't the best and I was a bit worried about leaving my Mustang parked there. I figured it would be okay since I could watch it from her doorstep.

Felicia didn't have a car, so I couldn't tell whether she was home or not. The only way for me to tell was to knock on her door. So I stepped up to her door and looked in through her window as I started to knock. For seconds that seemed endless, my hand hung there suspended in time and location. I neither knocked on the door nor retracted my arm as my brain exploded.

Looking in the window, I saw a stocky older guy. He had a mean expression on his face and a balding head. His lips were fleshy and feminine looking but what he was doing was decidedly male. His lips curled into a smile as he saw me through the window, but he never stopped what he was doing. I guess I wouldn't have either.

What he was doing was fucking Felicia. She was on her back and looking at him, so the window I watched through was behind her. She had no idea that I was there. Her legs were splayed apart and she was pumping her hips into him and moaning. His sweat dripped down on her and he moaned and started to fuck her even faster. Her breasts, for the first time I saw them in most of their magnificence although I wish it had been from a different angle. They moved like two large water filled balloons in counterpoint to their frenzied mating.

She grabbed his hips conceivably to pull him even further inside of her, although I was sure that if he got his dick inside her any deeper the head of it would come out of her mouth. I could hear them grunting and panting through a nearby window that was partially open to cool the room.

"Is it good?" he asked through grunts.

"Yes baby," she quickly replied between moans. "It's the best ever."

"Who owns this pussy?" he asked obviously trying to send me a message.

"You do Honey," she said. "How many times do I have to tell you there's no one else? Ooh baby. Oh. Fuck me Honey. You do that so well. I keep telling you, I've only ever been in love with one man and that's you."

She called him Honey, just like she did me. She even used the exact same corny line on him that she'd used on me. I felt like a God damned fool. I pulled out a pen and took the card from the flowers. I drew a line through the part that read, "To starting over," and wrote, "I came over but you were far too busy to make time for me. " I scratched out, "Love Jerry," and wrote, "Goodbye, for good this time."

I carefully placed the flowers and card on the doorstep and headed for my car. I guess the boxing lessons served me well. Less than two days after being knocked on my ass, I was back at a party. That second time around although not nearly as devastating as the first, took its toll on me as well. I won't say I became jaded or hard, but I was never as open or as quick to believe in anyone again.

No matter how hard women tried to convince me, I was never as easily swayed and never again fell as hard. A few years later, I did meet a woman and dated her for a while. She wasn't nearly as beautiful as Felicia, but then I don't think any woman anywhere ever would be. It took her a while to batter down my defenses but she was relentless. We eventually married and we have the previously mentioned brood of future lady-killers but from time to time I've gone over things with Felicia in my mind. On some of these occasions, I wondered what things might have been like and on others I grit my teeth and almost roar out my hatred for the woman who broke my heart twice. My roars, though silent, are also impotent because deep down inside I know I still love her and probably always will.