What Could Have Been

I shake my head and clear out the memories and realize that she's doing the same thing. "Jerry, is that you?" she asks.

"No, it's not me," I said, getting up to leave. She follows me to the door and grabs my arm as I walk through it.

"I know it's you Jerry," she says. "You haven't changed in all of these years and I know you better than anyone else on Earth."

"I think there's someone who knows me better," I snapped.

"Jerry, I don't want to fight," she said. "It's been what...ten years since you stood me up. I just want to talk to an old friend for a few minutes. There's something I've thought about over and over for the past ten years. I've got my own theories but I'd really like an answer."

"An answer to what?" I snapped. As usual she was inching her way closer to me, but this time it wouldn't work. Then she touched me and everything melted away. All of the years that had ensued, the decline of her beauty and her body, none of those things meant shit. She was still Felicia and the feelings I had for her still rushed back all at once.

As I looked at her, the stars were back in my eyes and in hers too. "What happened, Jerry?" she asked. "Why did you just leave me flowers instead of coming over? And why did you change the message on the card? At first, I thought that maybe you were still angry at me and had just agreed to come over to get me off of your back. But I dissected that message over and over again and I'm sure you meant the first one when you wrote it. I was sure that maybe someone had told you something about me that made you just decide that I wasn't worthy of being in your life. You broke my heart Jerry."

That pissed me off. I snorted derisively and just looked at her.

"What?" she asked. She'd moved us over to the bench in the bus stop in front of the bar. As she pulled me down beside her, I was in a fog.

She wrapped her arms around mine in her trademark move and trapped my arm against those deflated but still substantial breasts. My dick started to inflate as usual. "I suppose you got married?" she asks. I nodded my head woodenly. "Do you love her the way you loved me?"

"Not even close," I say truthfully.

"Jerry, we were meant to be together," she says quietly. "I fucked up, you fucked up and it doesn't matter. We are supposed to be together. Do you ever think about what could have been? Do you ever think about what should have been?" I nod my head.

"We can still be together one way or another," she says. "We're not dead. We can still have everything we wanted. We can be together until the end. However you want it."

"What do you mean?" I said. "I'm married."

"So what," she snapped. "You've already said that you don't love her as much as you love me. I'm yours Jerry. I always have been. If you give me a chance I can explain why I'm doing what I have to do. Just give me a chance. We can still be wonderful together. They have this thing they call DIVORCE. You do not have to stay in a situation where you're not happy." She squeezed her boobs against my arm again for emphasis. Then she "accidentally" brushed the front of my pants.

"You're wrong there Felicia," I said. "You used to be beautiful but you're well past your prime. And I never ever said that I love you more than my wife. What I said was that I don't love her the way I loved you. It's a different kind of love. It's quiet and solid as opposed to explosive and spiky. I guess the biggest difference is that I can trust her, the way I was never able to trust you. Sure it wasn't love at first sight with us or even second sight, but I know it's permanent."

"You want me Jerry," she gushed. "You want me badly. You always did. And Honey you can have me. You can have me whenever you want me, for free. I'll stop doing this. I don't like doing it but I have to make a living somehow and I'm not smart like you are. I just need for us to be together, Jerry. If you don't want a divorce, I'll be your mistress or your lover on the side or just your booty call. I just need for us to be together. I still don't know why you stood me up. It was that jealous bitch Kathy Sanders wasn't it? She told you some lie to make you angry at me didn't she?"

I don't know how, maybe it was her suggesting that I either divorce my wife, or cheat on her, but the fog had lifted. "No it wasn't Kathy," I snapped. "I wasn't in contact with her by then. We went to different colleges and she was no longer in the picture during that time. But someone did say something that hurt me pretty badly."

"Who?" she asked angrily.

"You," I said coldly. "I was so stupid when it came to you that I was already back in love with you. You always did have a gift for just sucking me in and leading me down the path you wanted me to follow. Remember the line you gave me that night after the party. You said that, "I was the only man you'd ever loved."

"Of course I remember, it was true then and it's still true now, dummy. No matter what anyone says that will always be true. You're the only man I've ever loved," she said. "I've never told that to anyone else either."

"Except the older balding guy who was fucking you when I got to your apartment that day," I snapped. "You told him the exact same thing less than twenty four hours later. And it looked a lot more believable since you were pumping your pussy against him and moaning while you said it."

"Oh my God, Jerry," she said. "I never knew you saw that. I'm so sorry I can explain it, if you'll let me."

"You always have an explanation don't you?" I said. "You may as well explain nuclear fission while you're at it. And then explain that whole God particle thingy too."

"The man you saw me with was my boss" she said. "I had to let him fuck me so I could keep my job. Jerry, I'm not very smart, I've told you that. I was the worst secretary on the planet, but I needed that job. I had to support my son, look." She reached into her purse and pulled out a folded piece of paper.

She handed it to me and I opened it. It was the birth certificate for a boy named Jerry. He'd be about eleven years old judging from the date of his birth.

"Don't even try it," I said. "I'm not..."

"His father," she said. "Of course not. We haven't had sex yet. Brad was his father. But he disappeared when he found out I was pregnant. He died about seven years ago having never seen or believing that Jerry was his son. I named my son after the only man I've ever loved."

I was quiet. "What are you thinking about?" she asked.

"I was just wondering how many of those birth certificates you have in that purse," I said. "How many names are on them?"

"There's only one," she snapped. "Believe it or not, I do love you, you moron. But I just keep fucking things up. Jerry I grew up in a trailer park. We squeezed six people into one tiny assed trailer and I didn't want to grow up that way. I have two sisters and a brother. My parents argued constantly and fought regularly until my dad ended up in jail for beating my mom's ass too severely. They cheated on each other so often that they didn't even bother to hide it near the end."

"That wasn't the life I wanted. My brother is serving a life sentence for a murder committed during an armed robbery. Both of my sisters are dead. All three of us were always pretty, but after watching my sisters I realized that pretty doesn't mean shit. Pretty can cause problems. Becky died of a drug overdose. There were always guys who wanted to fuck her because she was so pretty. They always gave her whatever she wanted money, jewelry and drugs, all the way up until she OD'd."

"Mary was even prettier. She tried to say straight and live a good life. She was killed by a stalker. The guy loved her from afar until he realized that he could never have her, so he killed her and then himself so they could be together in his fucked up version of Heaven."

"Everyone has always wanted to fuck me," she said. "I can look at a guy and see it. So I use what I have to, in order to survive, Jerry. Even back in high school everyone knew that you were smart. I used to watch you and wonder how you knew so many things that no one else did. I knew you'd be successful and have a great life. Then I started to hear from everyone that you liked me. At first I just thought I'd hook up with you and share your life but when I sat down on that fucking bus, I fell ass over tea kettle for you, seriously. As for Brad, I told you the truth, he was kind of my boyfriend, Jerry. I really did ignore him for you. I never used you Jerry, I really do love you. But I do admit to using Brad. It was survival Jerry. I was a teen-aged girl. Brad was rich. If I hung out with him and let him call me his girl, I got to eat. We never had any food in that fucking trailer."

"At Cedar Point, I really did ask Brad's dumb ass for money that I could spend on you. Brad is dead but David and a couple of the other guys he used to hang out with still live here in town. You can ask them. They still talk about it. I told Brad I'd do anything he wanted for money. He told me that he'd give me money but because I was his girl. That was when I told him I wasn't anymore and he flipped out. He told me that if I wanted the money I had to ride a couple of rides with him and he fondled me in front of his friends. I didn't care. I just wanted to get back to you, Jerry. You can ask them that too."

"When you left and went away to college without speaking to me, I collapsed. I didn't get into any colleges. I didn't have any money to go with if I had and the guy I loved didn't want to have anything to do with me. Brad was always there though. I knew all about sex and believe it or not I was saving myself for you, Jerry. All of this," she said gesturing at her body. "All of this was supposed to be yours."

"Brad gradually wore me down by offering me everything he could think of to sleep with him. He kept telling me stories about you buying that fucking Mustang and screwing every girl in our class before you went off to college. He told me that you were probably engaged by that time with all of those beautiful college girls around you. So Jerry, I'm sorry, I gave in. He rented me an apartment and got me out of that trailer."

"Even as we did it, I knew it was the biggest mistake of my life. I swore I'd never do it again. And I held out until my rent was due the next month. By the third month, I realized that I was pregnant and my life was fucked. After Jerry was born, I got the secretarial job and Al, my boss gave me his ultimatum. It was a terrible thing to do but I had NO choice. Either give up some pussy or give up the job. Over time, Al started to think that we were a couple. He even divorced his wife to be with me, but that was one thing I wouldn't do. I let him make me his whore, but I wouldn't let him make me his wife. The only person I ever intended to marry was you Jerry."

"Al liked me to make it seem like I was enjoying it. He fired me a couple of times because I started to just lie there like a rock and let him do me. There were always newer and younger girls coming along so I did what I had to. But I never meant a word of it. Sometimes...sometimes I imagined that I was fucking you, Jerry. I know we never did it, but I always imagined that it would be tender and loving and you wouldn't treat me like every other man I know has."

"Al died about a year ago and I really looked hard for a job. But I have no skills and no one was willing to train me. I know I'm not as pretty as I once was, but that's because I've had a hard, shitty life. My son and I now live in the same fucking trailer park I came from. What a way to complete the circle. I once again had no choice, Jerry. I figured that I was already a whore figuratively, so to become one literally would only be one more small step down the road to damnation."

Again, I was speechless. I really believed her. "Felicia, this is a lot to take in," I said. "I need some time to think about it. Can I meet you back here at this same time tomorrow night? Maybe we can work something out."

"I'll be happy with anything, Honey," she said. "As long as we can be together. But we've been waiting for too long, Jerry. We could have had our family by now. Tomorrow night I'm going to give you a taste of what you've been missing all this time." She accidentally groped my hard on through my pants and smiled.

The next day, I made a few calls and finally got David Tyler's number. I called him and we spent a few moments reminiscing. Then I got down to the meat of my call. He started laughing out loud.

"You got really lucky you called me," he said. "She's a whore like she always was. Did you know that she got pregnant and sued Brad to get child support? She had him painted as a deadbeat dad. It got so bad that he killed himself in a car wreck. He was talking to her at the time on his phone and lost control of the car. After he died, she hit his parents up to support their grandchild. They demanded visitation rights and as soon as they had the kid over for a visit, they did the cheek swab for a DNA test. It turned out the kid wasn't even Brad's. She'd been fucking three or four other guys all along."

"She always blamed him though for losing you. She wanted to make him pay for that. I guess you were Moby Dick in her eyes, she was obsessed with you. You were supposed to be her ticket to the easy life. I ran into her and fucked her, a couple of times a few years ago. Once she hit me with that line about how she was glad she finally got me because I was the only guy she'd ever loved, I was gone. I heard her use that same tired fucking line on Brad lots of times. Steer clear buddy, she's damaged goods but at least she's consistent. She doesn't even have custody of the kid anymore. Protective services put him in foster care. You can't believe a word she says."

After work I went home. I didn't stop by the bar or bother calling either. My wife, the former Kathy Sanders, greeted me at the door with a long kiss as usual. I hugged her to me again and just held her.

"Not that I'm complaining but what was that for," she asked smiling.

"That was because I love you," I said. "And I love our kids and our life. I was just thinking about what could have been."

"What do you mean?" she asked. "You could have stayed single and been a rich, handsome, playboy instead of marrying me and getting me pregnant repeatedly. You could have been free to travel the world and hobnob with the other rich, famous playboys."

"I was actually thinking that I could have been stuck with a lying manipulative whore and totally miserable, instead of having a warm and loving wife, a beautiful home and three bratty kids," I laughed.

"So you've been thinking about Felicia again, huh?" she said, her face got serious. "Should I be worried?"

I laughed for a long time. "No, Honey," I laughed hugging her again. "I'm just glad that I'm with you and our kids. I'm glad that what could have been...isn't"

The end

* * * * * *

Epilogue

At a bar, only a short distance away. A woman nursing a drink looks at her watch and realizes that the man she waits for isn't coming. "Oh Jerry," she says. "You always were the slippery one." She shrugs her shoulders then reaches into her purse and pulls out a phone. She dials a number and waits for the call to connect.

"Hey baby," she says. "I'm on my way. Of course I'll be there and it's going to be good. Just like it always was. Do you have the money? I feel really guilty about accepting money from you. It just seems wrong. I mean you really are the only man I've ever loved..."