What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

Author's note: I'm trying to write a story for each of the majority of classifications on Lit. This was a humorous (I hope) idea for a Toys & Masturbation story... please let me know how I'm doing by comments and voting, especially voting. Thanks...

The life of an inventor can be challenging. Trying to stay ahead of the technology curve, especially if you aren't working for one of the Big Boys and are severely underfunded, is a constant frustration. The deep-pockets corporations get to play with all the latest scientific breakthroughs long before we entrepreneurs do.

That said, there's one area where technological advancement has an almost level playing field: sex toys.

So far, there appears to be a finite number of ways that human sex organs can be stimulated to provide deeply satisfying orgasms, safely. And with minimal unintended consequences, also known in the trade as collateral damage. I mention these two, safety and the unintended, because to date they have been my constant nemeses.

My earliest experiments with environmentally friendly dildos, made out of vegetable protein and therefore no threat to landfill, were an unmitigated disaster. One has already heard the rampant stories about the use of cucumbers, carrots, eggplant and the like for kinky stimulation. What is known colloquially as "Flint Corn", or variegated maize, has always been a favorite possibility due to the exquisite texturing and beautiful coloration.

Drilling out the core and inserting a battery operated vibrator seemed like a good idea. Cheap and easy to produce, a modest royalty would net me an early retirement. Of course, I had to enlist volunteer product testers. Volunteer because I couldn't afford to pay them. Or at least, not much. So where to find adventurous women to try my toy and give me feedback? College campuses, of course.

Or so I thought. Who knew young women could be so um... forthright... in their opinions of my product and of me, as well? How was I to know that without wrapping it in a condom, the kernels would shake loose and act like shrapnel? Isn't that what product testers are for, anyway?

I think their unified and strongly expressed desire to hoist me by mine own... well, it wasn't my petard... was a bit excessive. I mean, I still can't walk through the Student Union unescorted. That's harsh.

Or the idea of using biodegradable, single-use jumbo pickles... smooth but with a nice bumpy texture. Who knew the vibrating bullet insert would liquefy it? While inserted. Another dismal failure.

Then there was the idea of combining one of those wearable "butterfly" vibrators with an e-stim unit. Two stimulations for the price of one. And discreet. It's not like I was going to test it on my own bum to find out the vibrator short-circuited the e-stim controls. Apparently, ripping one's panties off in public while jumping up and down, writhing and screaming is frowned upon. Another campus that has an order of protection against me. For a small design glitch. Harsh.

The dildo mounted on the pogo-stick didn't fly. Neither did the voice-activated fucking machine, although technically that one wasn't my fault. The voice-recognition software was flawed. It wasn't my fault that it misinterpreted "STOP!" as "FASTER!" We'll settle the lawsuit when my product tester gets out of the hospital.

And I haven't been ignoring the guys. I'm fully aware that many men masturbate due to a lack of female (or male) companionship. And yes, I've noted the plethora of artificial vaginas and sucking machines. I wasn't sure I wanted to compete against that already bloated market. Blow up dolls showed some promise, if I could automate their pleasure-giving functions. To do that, though, I needed a mold.

I talked Molly into letting me paint her with latex, so that when it dried, I'd have a decent mold to work from. I suppose we should have shaved her, first. Plus, all that hair stuck in the mold ruined it. I'm no longer allowed in her house.

And now, one of my oldest friends – a flaming queen named Steven (or Stephanie) – won't talk to me. I developed an artificial pussy that automatically adjusted to the size of the user and applied vibration in precisely calculated spots. The fact that the vacuum thus created made it impossible to pull out, once inserted, was a design flaw, I'll admit. I really don't think he is justified in being pissed at me, just because he came about eight times before we could get the thing off of him. And I've apologized for cutting him with the matte knife.

On a side note, though, he did look rather awesome with his face all purple and his eyes rolling up in his head, the sinews in his neck standing out a mile. Raw human energy. Magnificent.

Maybe I'll try that one again, but with a vacuum release valve built in.

I don't know why men and women have to be so different. I pride myself on learning from my mistakes. When I stumbled on my idea for an enhanced cum-lube to be used in those squirting-type dildos, I made absolutely sure to test it on myself first.

F50 methylcellulose, a bit of vanilla for flavoring, and a combination of methyl salicylate and menthol – easily obtained from various liniments – would have the right consistency with just a bit of addedzing!I had no problem using it to masturbate, and the tingly feeling just made me feel like I was swelling up more than usual before I came.

Apparently, it works differently on the vaginal and clitoral mucosa than it does on a man. I was impressed that Rosa could scream the entire twenty minutes it took us to get to the Emergency Room. Afterwards, she informed me that if I came within 500 feet of her, she would castrate me and feed me my own testicles. Harsh.

The life of an inventor is definitely challenging. But we must persist. Even if we must go it alone – which is rapidly becoming the case around me. I've just discovered that ginger and certain peppers have very strong stimulant properties... I wonder what I can do with those?