What Did I Do that was Wrong? 02

"I knew within a couple of weeks that I wanted to be with him forever. And that scared the hell out of me, of course, given my track record. Could I really give up seeing other men? I thought I should, so I stopped picking up guys for nearly two months.

"And then one day in a Starbucks this 40 year-old guy with a great mustache accidentally spilled coffee on my skirt. He was so cute and apologetic, and insisted on paying for the dry-cleaning... Well, anyway, I got his number and met him the next night and we fucked, at his apartment.

"He was really good, actually, and it was very satisfying. After I left, though, I felt incredibly guilty, like I'd cheated on Mark. But I realized that we'd never promised to be exclusive with each other, and that it didn't change the way I felt about Mark one iota. I still loved him, and still wanted to be with him.

"So I decided that there was room in my life for both, as long as I kept them totally separate. And the next night when I saw Mark and we made love, it was just as wonderful as ever. So it seemed okay, just to keep my love-affair with Mark in one box and my casual sex-life in another.

"I was still always using condoms with all my men; but one day I asked Mark if we could both get tested, and then I'd go on the pill and we could do without them. It felt like a kind of commitment that I was more than ready to make. I'd already been on the pill for years, just in case, but I didn't tell Mark that."

When Mark suggested to Leanne that they move in together, she freaked out a little bit. It sounded like marriage to her, and with her memories of Adam and the horrors of boring monogamy uppermost in her mind she told Mark she wasn't ready for that yet.

So it caught her by surprise a few months later when he proposed.

"I got very emotional, because I felt like everything had suddenly come to a head and I wasn't ready to deal with it. I was kind of weepy, and we went back to my apartment and made love, and I just clung to him. I felt so in love, and so desperate!

"But I realized that I had to tell him the truth--that I fucked other guys, and that I wanted to continue doing that. It scared me to death! But I wasn't ready to lie to him, or marry him under any sort of false pretenses."

"Did you consider giving up the sex with other men?"

"Of course I did, Tom!" she snapped at me. "What kind of selfish bitch do you think I am?"

I just waited, and then she sighed. "Sorry. It's not an unreasonable question.

"Yes, I'd thought about it for weeks, and I had to think about it some more when Mark proposed. I knew that I loved him more than I'd ever loved anyone--far more than Adam. But I was scared that I couldn't be faithful. I'd endured a life of monogamy for nearly two years with Adam and it nearly drove me crazy!

"And the one thing that gave me courage was that all I was asking was to continue what we'd been doing. Mark didn't know it, but I'd been seeing other guys and it hadn't hurt our relationship at all. If I could get him to see that, then maybe we could work it out."

What happened next was pretty much the same in Leanne's version as what Mark had told me. Emotionally and lovingly, she told him that she wanted to continue seeing other men. Mark pulled back from her in shock--but slowly, gradually, she was able to reassure him of her love.

After a few more months of "taking it slow", their love-affair resumed with its former intensity. And a few months after that, he proposed again, and they got married.

"Leanne, can I ask you about how you...about the things you do to keep your encounters with other men totally separate from your life with Mark? That can't be very easy to manage."

"Well," she said, "it was much easier before we lived together--when we were just dating. But it's not that difficult, as long as I count on Mark not to go through my purse. I always have condoms with me, and a spare set of panties, in case something exciting happens with someone and I get my panties wet before I can take them off.

"And I have my shampoo, and a toothbrush and toothpaste. I brush every day before I come home, whether or not I've been with someone, so Mark is used to the taste and it won't make him suspicious. I always shower and clean myself up after sex before I come home, so I never need to rush into the house and shower before Mark hugs me.

"And as I've told you, the guys I'm with know me as Marie and they don't have my number--I always call them."

"Do your encounters with other men ever interfere with your sex life with Mark?"

"Mostly not at all. As I said, I would never be with another man except during the day, when he's at work, or when he's out of town. I don't go out bar-hopping at night or anything!

"And since the men always use condoms I don't have to worry about being full of cum. A lot of times I've had sex with Mark the same night I was with someone during the day, and that's really exciting! It makes the love-making with him even hotter, somehow, because I got fucked just a few hours earlier."

With a slightly sheepish look she said, "the only time it's ever been a problem was when I've fucked a guy with a really big cock. I think it's only happened twice: Mark wanted to make love the same night and I had to fake a headache or something. I was afraid I'd feel stretched-out and he'd notice. But by the next day it's always fine."

"Can you tell me about the day that Mark came home early?" I asked.

She grimaced. "I don't usually bring men back to the house--honest! This was only the second time it's ever happened.

"His name is Theo. I actually met him three or four years ago. He was the waiter in a downtown restaurant where I had lunch with a couple of friends, and he was incredibly attentive to us. And cute--really adorable, actually, just 22 or so at the time. He gave us the most attentive service you've ever seen.

"Something about him appealed to me. So when my friends and I were leaving, I said I needed to go back and use the bathroom, and they all left. And I found Theo near the bar. He gave me a big smile but looked kind of surprised that I'd come back.

"I went up to him and said quietly, 'you gave us really great service, Theo, and I was wondering if I could return the favor.' And I put my hand on his arm and gently squeezed--nothing tacky, but he got the idea. I asked him for his phone number, and he couldn't give it to me fast enough!

"I called him the next day--as Marie, of course--and we made a date to meet in the afternoon at his apartment. Turns out he usually worked nights at the restaurant, and didn't have to go in until 5 pm.

"He was really fun in bed. The first time we would fuck he never lasted long--he'd get really excited, start thrusting faster and harder, and groan like crazy when he came. Always too soon for me to get off, but that was okay. Because then he liked to give me the full treatment: stroke and massage my body, lick my breasts, and then eat me until I'd come a couple of times. Then we'd fuck again, and the second time he could last forever--he'd really get me to come like mad. It was so relaxing and enjoyable, and he was so cute--really grateful and everything. I felt incredibly appreciated.

"I saw him maybe four more times before I stopped calling him. It was fun each time, but I never let something with a guy go on too long--you never know when they'll start thinking they're in love with you, or try to track you down or something.

"Anyway, that day I literally bumped into him. I was coming out of the Century 21 office, having returned some keys for a place I'd been showing, and he was headed into the office. He was moving to Philly, and just dropping off the key to the apartment he'd been renting.

"So we went for a cup of coffee, and I just thought, 'I've got the afternoon free, he's moving away, Mark's in Milwaukee, what's the harm of using my house just this once?'

"I told him there was a vacant house I was handling for Century 21 that wasn't on the market yet, and we could use the back yard that afternoon until 4 pm or so. Then I gave him the directions and he drove over later to meet me, around 12:30.

"I'd gone home to shower and change into a real skimpy thong bikini, one I only wear for Mark when nobody else is around. When Theo saw it his eyes practically popped out of his head!

"It was a hot sunny day, so we started to fool around in the pool, and soon our swimsuits were off and I was leaning over the edge in the shallow end and he was pounding me from behind. Just like always, he only lasted three minutes or so, and then I lay on a deck chair and he ate my pussy, taking his time the way I love it.

"Then I sat up, and sucked on him to get him hard. And then we lay down on this air mattress on the grass and fucked again, nice and slow and relaxed, with the sun beating down on us and the breeze blowing.... It was just nice, you know? Not as fiery and hot as it sometimes is with a new guy, but it had a sweetness to it, because Theo was just so cute and because I'd been with him before--it was comfortable and relaxed.

"When I'd come a couple of times and he'd come, we dozed for a little while, then I sent him away. And I cleaned up around the pool, and went in and showered and got ready for Mark to come home.

"It wasn't until 5:30 that I saw he'd left a message on the machine, saying he'd be home by about 3 o'clock! So I ran to the front window, but his car wasn't there. I checked my cell phone and found the same message--and I started to freak out. By far the likeliest thing was that he came home and saw a strange car in the driveway--but what did he do then?

"There wasn't a thing I could think of to do except wait for him to come home. And when he walked in, at 6, I could see on his face that he was very very upset. I knew that he'd either seen or heard me with Theo, or figured out some other way that I'd been with a man. He went right by me, wouldn't let me hug him, and locked himself in the bedroom."

Their dinner, and the next few days and nights, were incredibly difficult. Leanne confirmed what Mark had told me: that he steadfastly refused to discuss any aspect of that afternoon.

Her story about what has gone on in their relationship since that day was pretty much the same as Mark's. How he found it more and more difficult to keep an erection; how their romantic getaway was a painful disaster; how he started avoiding her at night, coming to bed very late or sleeping in the guest room.

"I've really tried everything I can think of, Tom. I'm as loving as I can be, and patient, and always ready for sex. But he won't come near me any more--and he won't talk to me either, despite all my efforts."

Leanne knows that Mark saw her with Theo that day, but she doesn't know exactly WHAT he saw, and what about it bothered him. Is it just the fact that he was finally confronted with something he'd worked so hard to ignore? Is it that she and Theo were in the back yard of Mark's and her house? Is there something about the sex itself that is upsetting him? Leanne has no idea. And I can't tell her--Mark is going to have to do that.

****************

"Well," I said at the start of our next session, "what do you want to achieve, Leanne? What are you hoping for here?"

She stared at me. "I want my husband back! I want things to be back the way they were, Tom--when he loved me and made love to me, when we could talk to each other."

"And what are you willing to do, to make that happen? Would you--give up seeing other men, for example? Or open up your marriage so that Mark could also have other partners?"

She looked thoughtful. "I've certainly thought about it--giving up other men, I mean. I haven't been with anybody since the day with Theo. It's been more than two months now. Sometimes I'm horny as hell!" She smiled.

"It just seems like a really bad idea to ... to be with anyone else while things are so up in the air with Mark."

"But are you ready to give it up entirely, if Mark asks you to?"

"I ... think so. I haven't been this unhappy in years, maybe ever. I certainly realize how much Mark and my marriage mean to me, now that everything's so fucked up.

"It scares me a little, because ... casual sex has always been a big part of my life. But I know that if I had to choose between that and keeping Mark, I'd choose Mark.

"But JESUS, Tom," she suddenly burst out. "I don't even have that option, do I? He won't even talk about it--I have no idea what's going on in his head, except that he's miserable and he can't get it up anymore!"

"What about the other option I mentioned? How would you feel if Mark said he wanted to have other partners too?"

She looked unhappy, but said, "I couldn't really say No, could I? What justification would I have? But I'll admit I don't want him to.

"I know that's unreasonable--why should I be able to screw around while he has to be faithful? And I certainly know that for me, sex and love are two entirely different things. I don't care in the least for the guys I do it with, beyond the pleasure of it. Some of them I like, some I don't even like very much. But there's never any chance I'll get attached to any of them.

"But Mark making love to some other woman--that gets me upset. Worried, I guess. Will he find someone prettier, or hotter--or just somebody with a younger, firmer body? I'm 35, not 25 any more.

"Or will there be someone sweet and loving who he just falls for? That's what really scares me." She stopped, her expression worried and unhappy.

"Do you imagine that Mark feels the same things, has the same worries?"

She looked annoyed. "Of course, Tom--I understand that. That's why I tried so hard to reassure him, back when we discussed this before we got married. And I realize that's why he's clung to the 'don't ask, don't tell' policy all these years. It's easier for him just not to think about it.

"But now that's all blown to hell, and he won't let me reassure him. Won't let me tell him, or show him, how much I love him."

We sat for a minute. Then I said, "I think it's time I started meeting with you and Mark together again--time that this long-overdue conversation between the two of you got started.

"Of course I don't know how it will go, Leanne--I don't even know how hard it will be to get Mark to talk. But I am pretty sure about one thing. The arrangement you and Mark have is going to have to change. I think I can say that without breaking any confidences. You can see how upset he is.

"One way or another, things will have to be different. And if he tells you that he needs you to stop seeing other men--if he says that he can't live with it any more--you need to be ready with an immediate reply.

"It's not for me to tell you what to do. You've just said you'd be willing to do that, to get your marriage back. But you need to be sure about it, I think. If Mark asks that of you, you need to be ready to agree on the spot--to tell him that he is more important to you than the other men, that you are choosing him over them.

"Because if he sees you hesitate, it may only worsen what he's already feeling. It's not hard to see that his erection problems are related to insecurity, or a lack of confidence. Mark said so himself.

"If your marriage is going to survive," and here Leanne gasped in alarm, "it's clear that one way or another, Mark's confidence in himself will have to be restored.

"I could be wrong about what he'll say. Maybe he'll tell you he wants to take other lovers too. Or even that the two of you should find swinging opportunities. But if what he says is that he needs you to be sexually faithful to him--and you're ready to commit to that--you will need to accept that condition as unreservedly as you possibly can."

We talked for another few minutes. When Leanne left my office she looked thoughtful but determined. It was too soon for me to be very hopeful—but I was beginning to think that maybe she and Mark had a chance.