What Friends Are For

She then brought the back of her hand up to her mouth, but made no attempt to whisper. "I heard that you have this little fantasy that Sarah and I could help you out with."

Michelle gave me a wicked smile and her eyebrow rose invitingly again, and then she trailed her finger so damn tantalisingly down the side Sarah's left breast and I'm sure I saw her nipple tighten into a hard pebble. That was it, my IQ officially shut-up shop and was furiously flicking through Hustler magazines trying to come up with some ideas for me.

I really needed to adjust myself, but I couldn't without making it obvious, so I just suffered the discomfort. "What'ya think James, you game to try?" There goes those eyebrows again. "There's nothing we won't do for the right man, and I know Sarah and I are both interested."

Why am I thinking of that damn dog?

Kelly stood gapping at the two women. She knew she was beautiful, I even thought so, but all of us damn well knew, there was no way she could hold a candle to either of these two. This blonde bimbo has waltzed in on 'her territory' and was attempting to luring, 'her James'. It was obviously making Kelly sick to her stomach.

I suddenly had an epiphany; of course it all made sense now, while I signed a marriage certificate, she was signing for a credit card purchase. The fucking bitch put her marriage on credit. And like all good little credit card users the world over knows, you don't need to pay off that credit card purchase straight up, but make minimum monthly payments.

What did I tell you about women and credit cards? I should have guessed it; what a stupid arsehole I've been not to see it sooner. Kelly had bought herself a husband, and used sex as payment for that purchase. This is really more fucked up then I had first thought!

I now understand the woman, be it all too late I might add, but using that logic, then Kelly couldn't see what the problem was and I understand why...now. The credit card companies don't care if you make minimum payments, in fact they encourage it...not good practise for a marriage, but hey, she is female, so I have to allow a little leeway here...not much, just a little.

I could now see where I was at fault in the destruction of my marriage. I had inadvertently encouraged a concept that her parents had instilled in her. Kelly had never had to work for a damn thing in her life, and me not forcing her to work when we married, had strengthen that concept. Had I made her work for her money to pay for that credit card, then she would have been a little more appreciative and careful just how she used it. That was my fault, but I can tell you right here and now. That, is the only thing I'm taking credit for!

"Bullshit!" She spat viciously.

We all spun our heads at Kelly's outburst. "That is all total bullshit. Damn you Jim, you set this up! You're paying them to say those things! No woman in her right mind would do such a thing! This is just to rub my nose in it and get back at me for cheating on you."

"Ohhh that statement is rich Kelly!" Sarah chimed in. "This is coming from an addle pate who threw her husband at not one, but two women and then cries foul, when she herself gets caught in her own web of lies and deceit? We know who's not in her right mind here, Kelly!"

"A what?" Kelly snapped. I have to admit, even Michelle and I were somewhat taken back ourselves.

Sarah smiled condescendingly at Kelly. "An addle pate. Look it up in your Wiktionary. It means you're a moron, an idiot, with a mental acuity of a two year old. I see them dark roots Kelly, you're not even a true blonde, which only makes you even dumber!"

Ohh my fucking god! Here we go, that's surly torn it. I saw the look Kelly was giving Sarah, but I quickly looked to Michelle, who seemed to be staring vacantly into space. I really don't know these other women well enough to say if they are really good friends or just mild acquaintances, but this is not looking good, not good at all.

If Michelle feels she been slighted, then we're building for an even bigger catfight, I just know it. I was seriously looking for somewhere to hide! Did I tell you that Sarah is a redhead, while Michelle is blonde, and Kelly is a bottle blonde? I have? Okay, now you see why I'm looking for somewhere to hide, that's... not... right... here, at this particular moment in time.

Michelle blinked a couple of times and slowly turned to Sarah. "Thanks for that intuitive observation sweetie; I'm unsure how I feel about it? I love you too!"

Sarah just gave her a silly grin. "You're welcome my dear; the feeling's mutual! Maybe I should have added to that, present company excluded?" Michelle frowned as if the second statement wasn't any better.

I was so relieved that I started laughing to myself so hard I had tears rolling down my face and held my hands up in mock defence. "Honest to God Kelly! I didn't know a damn thing about it, it never even crossed my mind, but this conversation has made their offer all that much sweeter. I'm certainly interest in working out the finer details of Michelle's plan for seduction."

Michelle had just finished giving Sarah an affectionate kiss on the cheek, a sort of, 'we'll discuss your comment later sort of kiss,' and turned to Kelly. "James is right sweetie, he had no idea we were planning this."

Everyone could almost see the steam pouring out of Kelly's ears, and I have no idea what she was thinking, but the look was one of frustration as she tried in vain to play catch up. "So you now are a hypocrite! I tried to give you a threesome and you kicked me in the arse and threw me out, and divorced me because of it. What a fool I was to ever marry an arsehole like you!"

What she said next made me think that she'd finally decided to skip some of the shit backlogging her pea brain and race up to the front of this confab and start leading for a change. "And what was that shit with my friends?"

I looked at her and puzzled over what she was saying. "What the fuck are you talking about Kelly? Is that one and only grey cell of yours still under the hairdryer at the beauty salon?"

Kelly scowled. "You know damn well, two of our friends are in hospital. Chad with two broken knees, Norm's right elbow is smashed. Carol rang Pam, said Ben has up and left for good with everything he could lay his hands on and didn't say why. Suzan said Mal went two days after Ben, leaving her with nothing but the kitchen sink. You telling me you don't know?"

I suddenly realised why Colin, Lennard's cop mate had asked me where I'd been on two separate occasions, but after I gave him my where a bout's, he seemed satisfied and wouldn't tell me what it was all about. I have to admit that I wasn't exactly firing on all cylinders at the time, so I never pushed it.

I hadn't even bothered to keep track of those pricks. "They were never our friends Kelly, they were yours, and with friends like that, you don't need enemies! I had nothing to do with any of it and the police have already spoken with me and they're satisfied, and as far as I'm concerned, if those fuckwits were screwing you, then they were probably up to their ball in some other bloke's wife as well. I don't give shit what happens to them frankly, so good riddance as far as I'm concerned."

I then scowled. "And as far as me being a hypocrite, now that IS bullshit. I'm single now Kelly, so what I do with anyone is my business. I told you I was no saint when I was single, but I do have my principles, and even though you may have cuckolded me for six months, I've still managed to keep my balls!"

I felt like strangling her on the spot. "Ohhh and before I forget, if you see Steve and he asks you about his car, and wants it back, tell him to head down to the police impound yard. They took it out of MY driveway so I could get MY car into MY garage. If he wants it, it'll cost him five grand, or it goes into the fucking car crusher and all he'll have then is a crumpled Tonka toy to play with."

As an afterthought, I quipped, "Damn costly if you ask me, especially when he didn't even get to dip his fucking wick into your sloppy cunt. I bet he's really pissed, and maybe he's the one that has taken out his frustration on those four arsehole fiends of yours?"

I was furious that she tried to make out I was a hypocrite. Did I tell you...yeah, I'm sure I did ... never mind. I got myself sidetracked, fuck this multitasking shit, so I finished, "Back to Michelle and Sarah, if they wish to bring me into a three-way relationship, then so be it. I haven't heard mention of any promises of being exclusive on anyone's behalf. That shit about you giving me my fantasy is total bull shit!"

I know at this point everyone seemed to be stepping back a ways from my tirade. "I listened to that fucking phone call you made to that damn vulture, Caroline. I lost my lunch into Lennard's waste paper basket listening to your damn phone call to Caroline, and you were going to make it worse by feeding me your dirt-bag's cum." Kelly's face froze, she now realised that I knew hell of a lot more than she first thought.

I know my face was red with anger. "In it you clearly stated that you were spreading your legs for those arseholes at least two months before you even knew of my fantasy. You didn't do anything for me but lie and cheat, and then tried to stop me from divorcing your whore arse if I ever found out about it. All those stupid charades you're pea brain came up with just proved to me how fucking stupid you really were!"

Shit, the gall of the slut, I thought to myself. "And that's another thing; I wouldn't mind betting both my nuts."

Yeah I know what you're thinking mate, gota be sure of yourself if you're gonna bet them fuckers!

"I bet you set all this up in the first place as soon as your fuck buddies showed up. That's how fucking sure I am! I know it was you asking me if I had any fantasies; I have now to ask myself why? I'll tell you why, just so you could get buck naked with those fucking backstabbing arseholes without losing your meal ticket!"

Kelly was crying by the finish of my malediction, and Michelle chirped in, "Ohhh boy, and by the way, there's a man here who wants a chat with you too." I looked at Michelle and thought, "What the fuck's she talking about?"

Did I tell you that women are good at multitasking? Michelle was probably keeping track of, when her next hair appointment was, what colour the drapes had to be her living room, to ring her boss and sort out some detective shit, picking up milk for her mother on the way home, the guy she was now introducing, and that's apart from my rant! As for me, I have now just lost my one and only train of thought. Women are certainly a conundrum!

Michelle nodded to a person standing near and he stepped up to our group. "Kelly Garret?"

Kelly nodded and sniffed. "That's my maiden name! What do you want?"

"Not much Ma'am! I just want to inform you that you are served!" He handed her an envelope. "I suggest you get yourself a solicitor in regard to action brought by Ace Investigation in the little matter of an unpaid account that is now more than two month overdue."

Kelly looked stunned at the envelope he handed her. "Have a nice day ma'am!" He then walked off whistling to himself. I could really get to like that guy!

Kelly started to tear up again. "This can't be happening!" She tore the letter open and gasped, "I can't pay this account. And this says I owe fifteen hundred dollars, that's not right. The whole bill was only fifteen hundred and I paid a thousand as a deposit. What happened to that money?"

Michelle smiled and took a cheque out of her purse and waved it in front of Kelly's face, before handing it back to me. I noticed it was actually one of our cheques made out to Ace Investigation, for a thousand dollars with Kelly's signature on it.

Michelle continued, "You're right Kelly, but I managed to convince Brock not to try to cash that cheque and charge the total amount to your account. He agreed with me, stating that the cheque would most likely have bounced anyway, since James obviously now knew and probably had the account locked down. He also said that it was a despicable act. Shame on you for trying to use James's money against him! And just so you could get yourself a get out of jail free card too."

Kelly was going to fire off again but Sarah jumped in first. "Michelle's right sweetie, Brock's a really nice bloke if you're on his good side, but wow-betide you if you piss him off like you did. I wouldn't be ringing for another surveillance job if I were you. He's likely to reach through the phone and drag you down the line, then feed you tits first into his paper shredder!"

We all watched in silence as Kelly's expression went from sickly to sickly frightened, then Sarah piped back in, "That's despicably low you dumb arse, making your husband pay for his own cuckolding!"

Kelly turned to me and cried, "You and that damn prenuptial have left me destitute. I don't have two cents to rub together let alone be able to pay this. I have no clothes, no place to live, no car and now no life. I don't even have any job qualifications to get one. What the hell am I going to do?" By now, her makeup had completely run down off her face following the tear tracks.

I thought for a minute. "Don't give me that crap Kelly, there is not enough justice in this world for that to happen. Remember I was there when you had that little heart to heart with mummy. You won't starve Kelly, but I can tell you this sweetie. I would not wish on my worst enemy, what is going to happen to you at your mother's. I doubt you'll be sitting for a very long time after your mother gets through chewing you a new arsehole."

I thought about what Marcie had said, and took a leaf out of her nasty book. "If you don't like that option, there is one qualification you've been working on for the last year that might get you out of trouble snookems. And from what I've heard, there's a vacancy on Fifth and Ann St. Just make sure you get your regular medical checkups, and use condoms. You have maybe five or ten good years in you still. Ohhh and but remember Kelly, there'll be no darking of mummy's doorstep and definitely not mine!"

Kelly wailed and stomped her feet. "This isn't fair James. She's driving me insane ... you don't know what it's like! I never would have used the prenuptial if the roles were reversed. You can't leave me with nothing!" I could see Kelly wasn't interested in clearing the air as she had said, or saving her relationship with me in the least ... no ... it was clear now she was making one last ditched effort to get enough money to get away from all the hoop jumping that her mother was going to be putting her through.

I sneered at Kelly again, "You forget Kelly, I was married to you for six fucking years, and when it comes to control, you are your mother's daughter Kelly. I know exactly what it's like to have someone manipulating you from dawn til dusk, so bullshit in triplicate Kelly! Lennard helped me draft the codicil, and he knew better than me what you were. As he said to me, 'I'm not hampered by your love for Kelly!' He was the one who convinced me to put that ten year alimony clause in. He knew the dollar signs would be rolling around in your eyes so fast, your face would look like a poker machine."

I was back to being furious now. "He and I both knew that you would have exercised the clause to the fullest, and I'd be paying through my eye teeth. Do you remember what you said in that phone conversation with that cunt Caroline? 'If not, he'll be paying me for the next ten years to fuck with anyone I want'. There no compassion in you what so ever Kelly, so don't expect any in return."

With that, Kelly slumped to the floor in defeat, bawling into her hands. I took a deep breath to calm myself down. "Thank you Kelly, I'm glad we had this little talk; I feel so much better now!"

Yes, two nil, game over, I win! Ok, so I'm gloating, tough shit. I held out my arms for Michelle and Sarah. "Shall we go ladies? We have some negotiating to do!"

"It would be our pleasure James!" They both chimed in with enormous grins on their faces.

As we walked away Michelle commented, "Ohhh, by-the-way, Brock says 'no extra charge!'" I looked at her funny and she held her finger to her lips, flicking her head back to Kelly. She whispered, "It's not as bad as she made out. One will be walking with a limp for the rest of his life, and the other's tennis career is toast, but hey, they'll live, and the other two chicken-shits will be looking over their shoulders for a very long time."

I shook my head. "Ummm, one more question if you please, why didn't I get let in on this?"

Michelle grinned. "You ever see that movie, Independence Day with Will Smith?" I nodded that I had. "Well you'll be familiar with the concept of 'Plausible Deniability'. Brock knew you were off fishing with your boss. I have never seen him so pissed, so he took that opportunity to have a little chat about cause and effect with Kelly's gang. He knew when the police came knocking on your door, you would react just as you did, without any guilty look on your face, and by the look of things it worked a treat."

I suddenly understood what she was saying. I took the cheque out of my pocket, grabbing Michelle's handbag for support. I scratched out Kelly's signature and resigned underneath, then endorsed on the back. "Tell Brock, thanks, but I pay my way! Give him a kiss and hug for me, and tell him I owe him more than this shitty little cheque!"

Michelle took the cheque with a grin on her face a mile wide. "I'll do just that, but only for you James, but no more. Brock's just not my type."

Now you can ask yourself, was I really stoked as we walked off? Abso-fucking-lutely!

"Thank you both for sticking it to Kelly back there. I felt like she had still won somehow. You know with the cuckolding and everything, even though I was the financial winner in the divorce, my self-esteem was really shot to shit. I felt like a gullible dust-bunny sucking up everything she handed out, and felt she still had it over me with her lies, deceit and disrespect."

I had a sad smile on my face and Sarah gave me a comforting hug. "When it comes to humiliation, women know women best. The old saying holds true! Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!"

I grinned. "That isn't quite the quote you know! 'Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned / nor hell a fury like a woman scorned.'

Michelle gave me an exasperated look. "Okay, so we might not have been scorned, but hell, we were certainly pissed at being used like that. Michelle and I both knew you'd be still hurting from Kelly's betrayal and needed to see her brought down a peg or two."

I started laughing. "Peg or two be damned, you two whipped the whole bloody ladder right out from under her. Just the same, I'm glad you did. My macho self-image feels that I should have been the one getting the revenge not the two of you, but in the end, all I could think about was just getting away and putting it behind me. Hell, between what Kelly's mother has in store for her and what you two did just now, I kind of feel a little like the damsel in distress and the three of you, my white knights, riding in to rescue me!

My ears were burning with embarrassment. "I'm not sure how I feel about that, but I think a lot TLC will go a long way in soothing my bruised male ego. I don't think I have ever seen her so distraught in my entire life. The bit about letting me have my fantasy didn't just break the back, it snapped her poor camel in two and I appreciate it, even if it was only for her benefit."

"By the way, just who is your type?"

Michelle looked at me with a cheeky grin. "Who said anything about, only being for her benefit?" My face showed the confusion I was in. Okay, so my IQ was frantically brainstorming ideas and had left me speechless, and both women giggling.