What Goes Around... Ch. 02

I sat for a long moment, not quite understanding the contents of that letter. "It was all a sham? Everything was a joke? She strung me along to teach me a fucking lesson?" I screamed silently.

I lurched to my feet, knocking the chair over. I was shaking with anger. "The fucking bitch, I was right all along. No, no I wasn't - SHE was the major bitch, Bonnie was a distant second. How the fuck could she do that? What kind of Machiavellian mind did she have. And Sam... Sam Able, my friend...shit, my ex friend, the sonofabitch. Teach me a lesson, huh? I'll tear that fucker apart, limb by limb," the words shrieking in my mind.

I picked up an empty vase from the counter and flung it against the wall, enjoying the sound of the pottery shattering. I paced the kitchen and then moved into the living room. I felt like putting my fist through the wall, but common sense was beginning to overcome my rage. I wasn't about to injure myself.

"Fuck it," I screamed aloud and slammed my fist into the wall. I again screamed, but this time in pain. Shit, shit, shit - I had hit a stud, I had broken my fuckin' hand. After jumping around in pain for a bit, I calmed down a bit and stuck my hand in some ice from the freezer. The stupidity of what I had done and the pain resulting from that stupidity finally calmed me down. The rage had subsided and reason began to take hold. I just sat there, my hand in a dish of ice, feeling like shit, totally empty now.

I felt the tears start. I blinked, trying to control my emotions, to no avail. I felt myself sobbing, the tears flowing down my cheeks. I cradled my head in my uninjured hand, just letting it all out. I finally calmed myself, wiping my nose and mopping my brow with a paper towel. "Is this what my life has come to?" I asked myself. "Sitting here, feeling sorry for yourself. Alone."

"Where had it gone so wrong. Was I really such a cold-hearted monster?" The questions I kept asking myself were creating answers that I didn't like, didn't like one bit. I kept sitting there, in the kitchen, my injured hand starting to get numb from the cold.

My rage was now gone, my stomach roiling. I felt physically ill, perhaps from the sudden realization that maybe, just maybe, some of the things Jackie had accused me of were right. Did I fuck up that badly? Was I that much of a prick? Was she right? The vague thoughts began to crystalize, and my iron curtain began to shatter. It was then that I finally came to grips with myself, realizing what I had allowed myself to become.

Yes, Tina had screwed up, but she had acknowledged that and came to terms with it. I had not. I felt destroyed by her adultery, but now I realized that I was not only hurt by what she had done, but also that my "manly" pride had been wounded, so that while Tina had fucked up royally, I did not handle the whole incident wisely. I had nursed my hurt - no, not only nursed it, I had hidden behind an iron curtain, not allowing anyone in, shutting everyone out. What a stupid fool, my intransigence had lost me the only woman I had ever loved.

My musings were interrupted by the doorbell. I looked up in surprise. Could it be Jackie? Had she come back? Did I want her? No, I knew that it wasn't her and I also knew that she was right in at least one respect. I didn't love her. I liked her, but I knew that it wasn't love.

I shuffled to the door and opened it. My eyes widened as I saw Sam Able standing there. I tried to clench my hand into a fist and grimaced from the pain. He smiled a bit wryly and pushed his way past me. "You cocksucker, you've got the balls to even show up here?" I muttered, half-heartedly .

"Shut the fuck up, Max." he replied calmly. "I'm here because I'm your friend and you'll realize that after awhile." Saying that, he plopped himself into my easy chair.

"Sit down, Max," he continued. "Just sit the fuck down and listen to me."

The fight, the anger, it all just seeped away. I again felt the emptiness, the feeling of isolation. The epiphany that I had just experienced left me weak and depressed.

I saw Sam start to smile somewhat sympathetically. He nodded and said, "I guess I don't have to tell you anything, do I? You've finally figured it out."

I tried to return his smile, but it was more like a facial contortion. "I guess I fucked up, didn't I?" I thought for a moment and continued. "I guess we both fucked up, but I was as much to blame as Tina."

"True, and that's why Tina gave in, she set you free. She knew that she messed up, but you didn't realize that you did also by how you reacted. You just blamed her, you didn't see your part in the breakup."

"So you guys set out to teach me a lesson," I groused. "That wasn't very nice, Sam. I should really be pissed - I just can't get up the energy." It was true, I felt totally enervated.

"By the way," I muttered. "How the hell did you get Bonnie to go along with you, especially since I know that she hates my guts?"

Sam chucked. "That was easy. I had discovered that she had been screwing one of the vps of her company, and he's married. If it came out, both of them would be toast. So I blackmailed her to go along."

I got up, went to the fridge and got a couple of beers. I tossed one to Sam and uncapped the remaining one. Raising the bottle in a toast, took a long gulp.

"What now, Sam? What the fuck do I do now?" I wondered aloud. I knew that was stupid as soon as the words left my mouth. I knew what I had to do and I didn't need anyone to tell me. What I didn't know is how to begin or how successful I'd be. I did know that both Tina and I had been through the fire of infidelity and its aftermath. Had that conflagration destroyed any chance we might have for the future?

Sam got up to leave and he patted me on the back as he was going out the door and said, "You'll figure it out, Max. You're not stupid."

(To be concluded)