What It Takes

I licked in short little bursts from his knees gradually drawing them out the closer I got to his balls stopping just an inch from them and doing nothing more than breathing gently on them. I looked up and saw Jerry almost panting as he gripped the headboard, I smiled to myself never enjoying turning on a man so much in my life.

Keeping with my previous tone I took his scrotum into my hand and licked with the same assuredness that I had at his neck. I think he nearly hit the ceiling then as the obscenities tumbled from his mouth, I was having a distinct sense of de ja vu only this time the boot was on the other foot! When I was happy that he could take no more of that I ran the fingernails of both hands down his shaft and followed them up with my tongue in the opposite direction until he begged to fuck me.

"Not yet, I'm not finished here," I smiled up at him wickedly and flicked my tongue around the sensitive under part of his head. A salty taste hit my tongue and I knew then I'd better not wait much longer, so I wrapped my lips around him and sucked it hard as he pushed into my mouth as far back as he could. After just a few seconds he shouted at me to stop and sat up.

"I want to be in you when I come, I want to be looking into your eyes when we come together."

'Oh God!' I thought as I let him move me back up to straddle his hips once more. 'This is heaven and hell all at the same time.' He lay back against the pillows and I leaned over him so that my hair and breasts trailed along his chest and whispered into his ear "I love you so much it hurts."

"I love you too Elle," he replied turning his head to draw me into a deep kiss. I lifted myself up and slid slowly down his waiting cock both of us moaning as I took him all the way inside me. Leaning back I slowly rocked back and forth, my hands on his chest, my head thrown back, tears falling from eyes. Jerry drove himself into me leisurely but purposely, his hands moving up from hips to my waist trying to pull me down to him. I wouldn't succumb; he couldn't know I was crying. I held back wanting to wait for Jerry so we'd come together and when it happened I was so sad that I began to sob.

He sat forward again immediately and enfolded me in his arms. We both knew then what had just happened and neither of us wanted to break the spell of that precious moment. But it had to end and I was going to be the one to shatter it, although I didn't even have to speak.

"Don't do this Elle, we can work this out, I know we can," I climbed off Jerry's lap then and sat hugging my knees so we could talk.

I sighed deeply and began my speech "I'm sorry, really I am, but I can't do this; us. It's too hard. I don't want to be left at home with a baby, in fact I don't want to be left behind at all. I won't do part time Jerry and that's all we can be. We're both too bloody selfish to compromise on shit like that so the last thing we should do is bring a child into this world, it would be wrong."

Jerry remained silent for a long time and I wondered what he was thinking, the room was still quite dark and he was resting his chin against his knees so I couldn't see his face.

Finally he lifted his head and spoke "I hear what you're sayin' Elle and I know it won't be easy, but you need to know that when we're apart all I think about is you. What you're wearin'. What you're doin'. What you're thinkin'. 'Bout the way you laugh. How your face looks when you come. I won't let you walk away. This is too fucking precious!"

With every word he said I felt my heartbreak. "Please don't make this harder than it already is Jerry. I know this is the right thing to do, for everyone," the tears flowed freely now. He slid closer to me and took me in his arms and kissed me tenderly.

"I can't force you to have this baby, but I think you'll regret it if you don't," he spoke softly as he wiped the tears from my face. "I love you and we can do this any way you want to."

"No we can't Jerry. One of us, if not both of us will have to give up so much and we'll only end up resenting and hating each other. Why destroy three people's lives?"

His frustration became apparent as I felt him tense and he raised his voice.

"You're being way too logical Elle. This ain't a fuckin' problem at work, this decision will effect us forever. Why the fuck are you givin' up before we've even given us a chance? Think about it some more, please! Fuck!"

I shook my head, "My mind is made up Jerry. I can't have this baby right now. Christ we've only known each a couple of months if this was a year down the line it would be different, but it's not. We're never going to last a year, a baby would force us to and I don't want it to be like that. It's best that we just walk away now rather than dragging out the inevitable pain"

"What the fuck do you know about the future and who the fuck are you to tell me how I'm gonna feel about somethin' that I actually want?" he raged standing up and pulling on some shorts. "You say you love me, but how can you if you're prepared to just throw it all away at the first sign of trouble?"

"I do love you!" I cried, clambering off the bed to try and reason with him, but he just carried on with his rant.

"Fuckin' hell Elle I'm layin' it all out here for you and you ain't even willin' to listen. It took two of us to got into this; don't you think it's up to both of us to decide what happens next? Sure it may be your body, but it's my fuckin' life too!"

He marched to the window to draw back the curtains, sunshine flooded into the room illuminating our cold reality. I wasn't going to argue any more though, my mind was made up and there was nothing he could say that was going to change it. Regardless of how much I loved him I was leaving.

He lit a cigarette and sat in an armchair watching me through thunderous eyes as I dressed.

After a minute or two he spoke with a discernable conviction: "You can leave here Elle, go back to San Francisco and carry on as if none o' this ever happened if you want. But we won't ever be over."

It wasn't a threat; it was a statement of fact. I smiled ruefully at the thought, but knew he would soon tire of chasing me and we'd be old friends who caught up once in a while; been there done that, got a ton of 'old friends'.

He remained in the chair whilst I packed, chain smoking and not speaking. I'd expected him to carry on shouting at me and was surprised by his silence, perhaps he didn't believe me. I held my own emotions in check; whilst this was killing me I knew I could show no sign of weakness lest he seize upon it and start raging at me once more.

When I was ready to leave I sat down on the table in front of him putting both my hands on his knees forcing him to acknowledge me.

"Are you going to say goodbye?" I asked. He didn't respond, just stared straight at me searching my eyes for a glimpse of my soul, but my guard was well and truly up, he wouldn't read me this time. "Ok then. Goodbye Jerry," I kissed him on the lips then moved to stand up. He grabbed me, pulled me on to his lap and into a bruising kiss. His arms were under mine holding me tightly to him, his hands in my hair as I succumbed to him for what would be our last kiss.

At least it was one I wouldn't forget.

When he'd succeeded in raising my temperature and turning my legs to jelly, he let go. "I'll see you soon Elle," I smiled sadly at him, ran a hand along his cheek and brushed his lips with my thumb, so committing this final touch to memory and left without looking back.

Epilogue -- San Francisco, November 2006

Jerry had meant what he said when he told me that I wouldn't be walking out of his life. Jeez I thought I was stubborn, but he did not let up for a single day. Every day I had at least one phone call & numerous text messages. There were flowers, chocolates and other often silly or bizarre gifts. When Alice went out on tour he sent a postcard from every city, always with the same message scrawled on the back 'WISH U WERE HERE. LUV J XXX'.

I'd tried to ignore him in the beginning, but it just became pointless, the more I resisted the more persistent he became. In the end I looked forward to the messages and especially the calls. We talked so much that there wasn't a single thing that we didn't know about each other's day, but I wouldn't be drawn into a conversation the baby. He asked me often if I still loved him to which my reply was always "Do bears shit in the woods Jerry?"

Arguments about him coming to visit were numerous and I somehow managed to win each and every time. I couldn't have him messing with my emotions; I needed to stay on an even keel. But after Thanksgiving Alice were coming to town and there was no way I'd be able to avoid him without doing a runner, which whilst tempting was a bit immature. He made me swear that I'd be at the gig or he was going to come and find me.

The day rolled around quickly with James and Lars both getting to The Warfield well before the show to hang out. James was going to join Alice for 'Would?' again. Jerry was straight on the phone demanding to know where I was, but I really couldn't get out of an important appointment and promised I'd be there as soon as possible. I'd left with enough time to see the start, but there was an accident on the freeway and I got caught in the resulting tailback for well over an hour – typical! I called to apologise, but he didn't believe me and got really angry telling me he'd be around to my house as soon as the show was over. Honestly, he could be as melodramatic as a teenage girl sometimes! I refused to bite, that was my new thing; serenity. I'd been going to Pilates and Yoga classes, which really helped keep my stress levels down and I felt great for it. Jerry was in for a real surprise, I'd made some changes in my life, I just hoped he'd be happy about them.

I finally arrived towards the end of 'Sludge Factory', which was the first song of the second electric set. I found Lars and got comfy, wedging myself between two packing cases. I received a few funny looks from the crew, but no one said or did anything untoward. I gave Jerry a wave when he came back to change guitars and he scowled and wagged a finger at me before laughing. Pheew, one less thing to worry about.

Lars was really supportive as he had been since I'd gotten back from London; nothing was too much trouble as long as I was happy. I was really grateful that he'd been so understanding, he'd been my rock back then as I tried not to fall apart. Sometimes I wondered who was working for whom, he'd become more like an older brother than a boss.

During the encore break Jerry leaned over one of the cases to kiss me hello and apologised for being angry earlier.

"Ten minutes and we can catch up properly," he said strapping his guitar on and striding back out to announce James. I'm sure the roof was actually raised at that point. I looked at Lars and let him see how nervous I was, he put a comforting arm around my shoulders and gave me a squeeze.

"It's all gonna be fine Elle. Mark my words," I hoped to God he was right.

Ten minutes turned into twenty as the band did they're usual thing with the fans. Lars extracted me from my little cocoon and the gawping started anew. I had no idea how to play this, it all depended on Jerry. I'd run through all the scenarios in my head a thousand times or more, but I still didn't feel prepared. I clung to Lars like a limpet, but he kept peeling my fingers from his arm and told me I had to do this without him. I was so scared that I didn't even know that Jerry was behind me until his arms went around me. My heart stopped, I daren't even breathe as his hands came to an abrupt halt on my stomach. It seemed that everything, even time stopped in that moment and an eerie silence fell backstage.

Fuck! I was frozen to the spot just wishing I could see his face.

"Elle?" Jerry spoke at last, no hint of anger in his voice, I hoped that I was a smile I could detect. I let myself take a breath. "Is there something you forgot to tell me?" I nodded as my heart hammered in my chest. His hands moved back to my hips and he turned me around to face him. I felt myself trembling as we came face to face properly for the first time in over four months. He was smiling. Then he began to laugh.

That wasn't one of the scenarios I'd considered and I felt a little freaked out. "Why the fuck didn't you tell me Elle?" he said through his laughter bringing his hands up to my face. He tilted my head up and kissed me long and hard. Oh God I'd forgotten what he could do to me with a kiss.

Finally I relaxed and smiled into our kiss. The onlookers breathed a collective sigh of relief and everyone went back about their business. Breaking the kiss I took Jerry's hands from my face and placed them on my stomach.

"Someone wants to say hello to their Dad," I said as the baby went on one its kicking sprees. "I think I've got the next David Beckham in here!" I laughed.

Jerry was actually speechless as Junior showed off his or her moves. After a minute or so it stopped and Jerry brought his eyes back to mine. "Why didn't you tell me?"

I shrugged. "I kept meaning to go to a clinic, but I couldn't ever bring myself to do it and then it got to the point where I wouldn't even entertain the idea and it was too late anyway. I had to do it like this Jerry, it was the only way I could my head around it. And I didn't want to put any pressure on you. You had your own shit going on. I'm sorry, I know I should've told you, but it just didn't seem right to do it on the phone."

He shook his head then in total disbelief. "I can't believe you kept something this big from me. You know as I walked up behind you tonight I thought 'fuck her ass is huge, she's let herself go some!'"

"You cheeky git!" I shrieked slapping his arm. I dipped my hand into the pocket of my combats "Do you want to see your son or daughter?" pulling out the scan I gave it to him.

"Fuck Elle, if I wasn't so happy I'd be kickin' your ass right now. What stuff have I missed?" he couldn't take his eyes from the picture.

"All the crap stuff Jerry and the worst part is still to come. In three months this bump becomes a screaming, shitting, sleep depriver. You up for it?"

"Hell yeah!" he bent his head and kissed my stomach then pulled me to him and held me tightly. "If you're up for that happy ever after now?"

* * * * *

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