What She Didn't Tell me

I picked up a few things on my way home from court and saw that Ann had beat me home. My mom was still there and asked how it went in court today. I told her I'd talk to her later.

"Ann is upstairs with the kids. They got home from school and Ann took them up to their rooms. I made a hot dish and it's still in the oven. If you need me again honey just call," she said kissing me on the cheek.

"Thanks for all your help. Tell dad I'll talk to him later." With that she left and I was again forced to live with someone I was trying my best to hate.

I went upstairs and saw Ann sitting on the bed with our two kids.

"Guys, dinner should be ready in about twenty minutes so get washed up and I'll set the table," I said heading to my bedroom to change. Everyone came downstairs and helped me get the table set and the food dished out. Ann sat across from me saying nothing as we all ate.

"Isn't anyone going to say something?" my daughter Carla finally said out loud. "I can't stand all this silence. Talk, yell, scream at each other but do something; I can't stand this anymore," she yelled as she ran upstairs to her room as Andy sat looking at the two of us.

"Ann we're stuck with each other for the next six months so we might as well make the best of it. If you can prepare the meals, I'll do the shopping and the rest of the stuff. If nothing else we can at least act like a real family," I told her. "But if you'll excuse me, I've got to have a few words with our daughter."

Carla didn't want to listen to my explanation on why we couldn't be a family anymore. Finally I just told her that her mother would be living with us for the next six months and after that I didn't have a clue what was going to happen. She hugged me and said she loved us both and didn't want us to get a divorce. I said nothing. I hugged her, told her I loved her and that no matter what I would always be her dad; it didn't help much.

"Ann, you can have the master bedroom. I've moved my stuff out so you won't have to be bothered by me."

"Steve, you're never been a bother and besides for the sake of the kids we need to keep it as normal as possible. We're adults and we can handle it, but it's tearing them up and I can't do it to them anymore."

So, that's the way we lived for the next two weeks. We ate together, we went to church together and did things that on the outside looked like we were the normal every day family. However, I had no physical contact with Ann and stayed in my room and Ann in hers.

The first counseling session was something like out of a Jerry Springer show. Initially our counselor, Ruth, just sat back for the first twenty minutes as we went at each other tooth and nail. Accusations were flung at each other as we tried to out yell the other. She finally spoke and took back control.

"Well, that was fun wasn't it?" Ruth said in a quiet voice as she handed a tearful Ann a box of tissues. "Got everything out of your system yet? Probably not, but let me lay down the rules of engagement. You two don't have a choice; you will be here three times a week for the next six months. You miss, I notify the court. You don't participate I tell the judge, you starting to get the picture? I direct who speaks and each of you will have a chance to get their say without the other interrupting; do I make myself clear? You will be given weekly assignments that I expect to be done on time and not just thrown together. So in other words, you two are mine for the next six months," she said with a smirk on her face. "Steve, since you started all of this, we're going to let you go first, tell me how you feel, about your wife, Ann."

"First of all, please don't refer to Ann as my wife. I don't know what to call her, but wife sure as hell doesn't fit. Maybe cheating, lying slut might fit but wife sure as hell doesn't."

"I never cheated on you," Ann shouted at me.

"Ann, you'll have your turn. Please be quiet and let Steve speak," she was told.

"Ruth, Ann picked me to breed with cut and dry. Her lover didn't want kids so she needed some sucker to get her knocked up and take care of her and the kids. I was stupid enough to fall for all her lies, that is, until I found out the truth. I just want out of this sham of a marriage. To take my kids and build another life without her."

"Are you sure they are really your kids? How do you know she didn't cheat on you with Ronnie and you're raising his kids?"

My eyes got big, as saucers as Ann shouted out at Ruth that she was wrong, there were my kids.

"I just figured I'd throw that out as I know it probably went through your mind at one time or another over the last few months. So with that out of the way, we can continue."

I went on about the phone call I'd over heard and how Ann had changed since Ronnie moved back to town.

"Did you feel threatened by him Steve?"

"At first but after he got himself a girlfriend I saw he was moving on with his life. I guess he just got a girlfriend for show so the two of them could go back to the way they were before."

"Do you have any proof that Ann has cheated on you?" Ruth asked me.

"None at all. I guess they were too good at it to get caught."

"Maybe they didn't do anything, did you ever think about that?"

"They did something, I heard Ann telling him that they'd gone too far one night," I said looking at Ann and then Ruth as I started a slow burn. " But when she said that she didn't love me, that was the final straw. There was no way I could live with her any longer. She used me to give her what Ronnie wouldn't. God damn, I hate you Ann," I said looking at her as she dabbed away the tears.

I went on for another ten minutes before Ruth cut in again.

"Well, that was enlightening wouldn't you say? You've made some good points but now its time to let Ann have her say," Ruth said as we both now looked at her.

I didn't think she was going to say a thing as she sat quietly for the first couple of minutes. When she started I could barely hear her as she was speaking just above a whisper.

"Ronnie was my first true love. We talked about marriage and everything else. I guess I just assumed he wanted kids as much as I did. When we had a miscue and I got pregnant I was overjoyed but much to my dismay Ronnie wasn't. He said he wasn't ready for a family right now and that it would ruin our future. No one knew about it and after a month of badgering me, he talked me into getting an abortion. I knew it was wrong but I did it anyway," she said opening weeping. I told him it wasn't fair, but he said we could always have another. I got depressed and ended up on meds after the procedure. I was just starting to come around when he laid the bomb on me that he really didn't like or want any kids even in the future. I was devastated and broke it off with him. I felt he'd lied to me and if I'd know this before, I would never have gone ahead with the abortion. We broke up and he moved away shortly after that."

"Did you see him after he left?"

"No, we exchanged letters for a while and I finally came to grips with what I'd done. I'd let a man control me and my body and felt used and dirty," she told us. "After that, I called the shots. If you wanted to go out with me, it was on my terms or not at all. I wasn't going to have a replay of what happened to me before, so I only went so far with anyone," she said now looking at me. "We would sometimes get hot and heavy but I never lost control or let it get too far. The day before I was supposed to go out with Steve, I had too much to drink and let Bob go a little too far but stopped it eventually. I guess it looked like we went a lot further to everyone else but we didn't," she said staring at me. "The next day Steve stood me up because his ego got bruised thinking that I'd given it up the night before. We got into it Sunday and I told him not to call me anymore."

"Ann, didn't you like Steve? Hadn't you had quite a few wonderful dates up until that point? Didn't you try and explain to him what exactly had happened?"

"I did all of that and really wanted to continue dating Steve, but he copped an attitude with me. As I said, I wasn't about to lose my control, so he dumped me."

"I dated a bunch of guys after that, but most were after just one thing. I guess I was kind of sorry Steve and I'd stop going out because he treated me like an equal instead of like a piece of meat. We ran into each other months later and I decided to take a chance and see what Steve was really like. We dated exclusively and I was finally letting my guard down when we were at a club one night and Ronnie reappeared and came back into my life."

Listening to Ann talk about our life together, before Ronnie's return, kind of made me smile for a minute as I remembered all the good times we'd had. The mere mention of Ronnie's name however set me off again and I did my best not to embarrass myself.

"Steve, how did it make you feel when you met Ronnie face to face"

"I thought he was an arrogant fuck especially when he told me to take care of 'his girl'. I wanted to punch out his running lights."

"Ann, Steve said you totally ignored him that night after introducing him as your new boyfriend. Do you see Steve's point in this matter?"

"I guess I do now, but at the time it wasn't intentional. We were just reminiscing about the past. Ronnie and I had already worked out our differences and after all, we had over three years of great times together. I guess looking back I should have brought Steve into our conversations. I did however know he was angry when he left. I knew that a kiss on the cheek was not how normally left me. He's a passionate man and a full lip kiss with a lot of tongue was the norm. I was going to ask him to stay, but I could see he was in no mood for talking. I guess I should have called him but I figured I'd let him sulk and wait until he was ready to talk, my mistake. When he accused me of cheating on him I was livid. How could Steve say such a thing, especially after I'd given everything to this relationship? And when he hung up on me not once but twice it was time for a come to Jesus meeting."

"I tried adding a little levity to our conversation to defuse it and get us back on track, that is until Steve made the comment about using a rubber so we wouldn't have Ronnie's kids running around. Everything from my past came rushing in. Being pregnant, the abortion, everything; I almost passed out right there. Steve knew nothing about it but it didn't matter. He held me, told me that he loved me and we slept together in each other's arms but it didn't help. I was back there going through the same shit over and over again," she said now openly weeping.

I felt bad for her because I never really understood her feelings because she never let me in. I wanted to grab her and hold her but Ruth cut us both off.

"We've got to stop here because we've run out of time for today. We can continue this on Thursday afternoon. I need you both to think about what we've talked about and bring your comments with you for our next session."

We left and I was glad we'd both taken our own cars. I had a lot to think about. I now understood why she'd gone nuts on me that Sunday, and her reaction to my statement about Ronnie's kids. But hell, I didn't know. Ann had never told me what happened between the two of them.

Dinner started off deathly quiet until I forced myself to make small talk, anything to break up the silence. I saw Ann smile somewhat as I was sure she was thankful for what I'd done.

We both went to our individual rooms that night and I made a couple of notes so I wouldn't forget them before Thursday's session.

Thursday we continued on with Ann finishing her story on how she picked me over Ronnie.

"My love life with Ronnie was white hot. He would throw me down on the bed and ravish my body," Ann said looking at me. "Steve, though, was more of a romantic with candles, soft music and tender lovemaking. I wanted both, what girl wouldn't. I had a different type of love for each but I did love you, Steve." Ann now said looking right at me. "It was a deeper love, more meaningful love. You were my love, my best friend, my equal partner and I trusted you and let my guard down completely around you. Did I wish that you'd throw me down sometimes and just take me? Hell yes, but that wasn't who you are," she told me.

"Ann, why didn't you say something? Why didn't you bring it up? I'm not a fucking mind reader for Christ's sakes. How am I supposed to know if you don't tell me?" is how I put it. "Is that why you kept looking at Ronnie every chance you got? Thinking about how you'd like him to do you again? Just like old times?" I said starting to get angry again.

"Steve, I picked you over Ronnie because for me you were a better choice. Do you hear me? I picked you. If I didn't love you, why in the hell would I have married you, and don't give me that crap about breeding stock again," she shot back at me.

We went back and forth for almost the next forty-five minutes about what we'd both done or should have done. It was easy to see, neither one of us had been totally up front with the other before we got married; too many secrets. When Ruth gave us out homework assignment I about chocked.

"I want you both to write down your feeling about what I'm about to say and we'll discuss them next week. Take your time and really put some effort into it," she told us. "Ann, I want you to think about the choice you made picking Steve. Would you have made the same choice if Ronnie came back and said he wanted kids with you," that took her back for a moment. "And Steve, knowing what I just said to Ann, would you have fought for her, or would have just bowed out and let Ronnie have her. See you both next week."

Wow! That all I could say at this point. Talk about tough questions.

I drove home in a daze and spent the next two days thinking about what Ruth had asked. I wrote down a few notes, ripped them up and did the same thing time and time again before I came up with my answer. Ann and I hadn't talked much since our last meeting but our eyes never left one another. I wanted to know her answer so bad it almost made me sick. I knew what I'd written down but if it didn't match hers, what was the point going forward?

However Tuesday's meeting didn't go as planned. Ruth took both of our answers and put them in a folder on her desk as we both waited for what was next.

"Today we're going to try something different. When is the last time you touched? Even if it was only to hold hands?" she asked.

"Months ago," I quickly answered.

"Thought so," she replied. "Come here both of you," she said motioning us onto the couch. "I want you two to spend the rest of this session holding hands. First one, then the other and finally both together, but I want you to do it with your eyes closed and without talking."

"How about the answers to our questions from last week?" I asked and could see Ann had the same question.

"Who's the therapist? You or I?" Ruth asked.

"I guess you are," Ann replied.

"That's right, now let's begin."

It was hard; it was damn hard because my hands were wet with sweat before we even began. I felt the hands of the woman I'd loved above all others for the last seven years and for the life of me, they felt no different than every other woman's hands I'd ever held; at first anyway. What I noticed first was the texture of her skin, how smooth it was and half expected to feel some dry skin around the knuckles as she always had her hands in water of some sort. They were still smooth, thin and delicate. I'm not sure if hers were sweating or if mine were making hers wet also.

Do you know how long an hour is? It seemed like it lasted forever as I went from her palm and ended up stroking her fingers and feeling her nails.

"Steve, is Ann wearing her wedding rings, and Ann is Steve?" Ruth asked.

My hand had gone across that area a dozen times in the last forty minutes and I guess that never registered in my brain, but yes they were still there and she'd soon realized that I still had mine on. I guess I never thought of taking it off after all these months.

"Well, that's all the time we have for today I want both of you to make it a point to touch the other on the arm or hand at least once a day until Wednesday's meeting. Nothing sexual, only a touch but it must last for at least a minute," with that it ended.

We spent the next month and a half touching and talking to one another in various tones of voice. We would ask, we would request and beg the other for this or that depending on the mood of Ruth that day. She said we couldn't communicate if we didn't know how to talk to one another.

After three months we were getting more comfortable with one another. The touching had gone further and now when we walked we held hands, it became automatic again. However we were not discussing the issues I wanted to address and I was getting more than a little frustrated but I knew better than to question Ruth again.

Friday's session pushed the envelope. Hell it ripped it up and burned it.

"Steve, I want you to remove your coat and take off your shirt. And Ann, I want you to roll up your sleeves."

After doing that we were instructed to sit in two chairs that were facing one another.

"Now I want you both to touch the upper arms of the other keeping your eyes closed," she instructed us. "Wait a minute, move your chairs in much closer to one another, that's right, almost touching," she told us. "Now gently touch the others upper arm. Do not tickle, or grab, only lightly touch. Is their skin warm to the touch or cool?"

I started to say something but she told us not to speak. "Picture in your mind what you're doing. Can you see in your mind what the other looks like? Every feature, every blemish, the exact color of their skin, the color of their hair, the shape of their nose and the texture and shape of their lips," she said peppering us with questions while we continued caressing one another.

"Now, lean forward and touch lips."

I opened my eyes and looked at her.

"Steve, it wasn't a request," Ruth said as she looked at me.

I closed my eyes and move forward trying carefully not to bump heads with Ann. I guess we'd done this so many times in the past seven years, our lips found each other on their own without our help.

"All right, continue touching each others arms and now touch lips. Do not, I repeat, do not kiss, only touch each others lips."

I was now sweating. I could feel beads of moisture on my arms and forehead. I could tell immediately that Ann had no lipstick on, but there was some type of coating on her lips. It wasn't Chap Stick but it must have been a moisturizer of some sort. It smelled like flowers but wasn't at all sweet liked I'd expect it to be. We kept this up for at least twenty minutes as our lips moved across one another's. I sometimes licked her top or bottom lip to keep them moist.

"That's enough," Ruth finally told us. I put my shirt back on.

"Steve, what did Ann's smell like?"

"Flowers, Jasmine I think."

"Very good, I'm impressed. Why did you feel it necessary to use your tongue, I thought I said just lips?"

"Her lips were getting dry, so I just did that to keep them moist," I replied.

"What difference did it make if they were dry or moist? Why did you even care?"

"I just like moist lips that's all."

"You like moist lips in general or Ann's lips moist in this case?" she asked.

I knew where she was going with this.

"Ann, was Steve still using the same cologne he's always used? Was he warm to the touch or cool and clammy?

"He still is wearing Calvin Kline CKB and started off kind of clammy but his skin warmed up after a couple of minutes."

"What does that tell you?"

"I guess it says that Steve likes to be touched and warms up if it goes on for more than a few minutes," she said almost embarrassed.