What Wasn't In The Envelope

Justin didn't come over Wednesday, but called me to say that he had a wonderful time, that he respected that I didn't want to have sex the day before you were to arrive home, and hoped that I would call him again the next time you were going to be out of town for a while. We chatted a bit about other things, too. It was so weird. There was no sense in our conversations that we were anything but old friends, that we were doing anything wrong or unnatural, or that we were risking anything. Little did I know that Stella's PI had already obtained some photos of our little encounters.

I felt little guilt when you came home. I had put what Justin and I had done into a place in my mind where it was no threat to our relationship. I felt great about us. There was no danger. Justin and I kept what we did discrete (or so I thought). There was no love, only friendship, involved, and you were deprived nothing. If anything, the first week with Justin and Stella was a revelation to me and a great comfort to me. That next week with Justin was just a continuing comfort and pleasure for me while you were gone.

I had no contact with Justin until about another six weeks later-the next time you went out of town. I didn't call him, though-he called me. He left a message the Friday you left town. I wasn't even going to call him back. I felt that we might be on a slippery slope and realized that a little thing could get our affair revealed to you or Stella (he had made it clear that Stella knew nothing of our continuing relationship). I had plans with friends both Friday and Saturday nights, so I figured it was a great excuse not to get together with Justin-just let the whole thing die a natural death.

Justin called again on Saturday, and I told him I had plans that evening. He told me Stella was gone for the weekend, and that I should come over for a sleep-over that night. I told him "maybe." I got a little buzzed from a few glasses of wine at dinner, then drove to Justin's house. I probably shouldn't have driven, but I did. When I got to Justin's home, we had more to drink, and then had sex. I think he might have put ecstasy in my drink without telling me, because I had that same alert buzz that I had had before, and we went after it repeatedly, and wildly, most of the night. And yes, that was the first time I let him, or anyone, have me anally. It wasn't planned. We were doing it doggie-style, and I was really flying, and he was playing with my butt-hole, just rubbing it, when he slipped a finger in. It turned me on. Pretty soon, it was 2 fingers, and then he shifted and he was in me. I didn't love it, but I was so high that I got into it and he finished off in me there. The next day we showered together and hung around naked all day. We ate when we were hungry, we had sex when we were horny, and we talked about everything under the sun. It was casual. However, I knew I had to get home, so I left that afternoon. Monday, he called and told me that Stella had called him to say that she was planning on spending a couple of nights with her girlfriend before heading home from the spa. At that point, I really planned on calling it quits with Justin once your trip was over. I was a little uncomfortable with how automatic it seemed to be becoming. As much as I liked Justin, and the sex I had with him, I was still harboring a little worry that it might all blow up in my face. I was also feeling guilt over cheating on you and his cheating on Stella. I also felt weird knowing that I had given Justin anal sex when I had denied it to you all those years ago. It was actually at that time that I began thinking that I could give you the present of my ass for our anniversary, which was less than 6 months away. I knew this affair with Justin couldn't go on indefinitely. But, the Stella delay seemed to be a good excuse to go out with a bang. So, we met up both Monday and Tuesday nights-once at his place, once at ours. And, that Tuesday did involve anal again, but only after I drank so much wine that I had to call in sick on Wednesday. Justin spent the night Tuesday, and left Wednesday morning. While dealing with a hangover Wednesday morning, I resolved never to see Justin again.

That resolve lasted until your next out of town trip-again about 6 weeks later. Justin had been calling me periodically since the last trip, wanting to get together, wanting to meet for a liaison. I had made it clear to him that I would not do it if you were in town-it would be too much like cheating (well, in fact, it was cheating, wasn't it? Maybe I was finally getting it). He took that to mean that I would do it again when you went out of town again. I should have been more firm with him. I enjoyed the sex with him-but the novelty was wearing off. I began to worry more and more about you finding out. I began to feel more and more guilty about what I had done, regardless of whether you ever found out. I made the mistake of mentioning to Justin that you would be gone the next week. He took that as an invitation. He called that Friday, and I turned him down, and told him in no uncertain terms that it had to end, and it had to end now. He said that he would like to meet one more time, just to talk, that he understood we needed to end it, but that he wanted some closure. I understood what he meant. And, I also cared for him, I have to admit. We agreed that he would come over on Saturday afternoon.

He did, and we had a good talk for a while, then he started telling me about problems he and Stella were having. She was getting distant. She was acting strangely, spending more and more time away from home, etc. He feared she was having an affair, or was going to leave him. He loved her and was afraid. He actually started to cry. Stupid me, I felt sorry and compassion for him, and I held him as he let it all out. He started hugging me, and that led to kissing, and that led to sex. He kept telling me what a wonderful friend I was to be there for him. I felt like he and Stella had been there for me in my time of crisis, so I should be there for him. That I should provide the sexual therapy that he had provided me in my time of need. I spent the whole afternoon and evening with him. The sex was good, especially because I felt that I was truly helping a friend in need. He went home that night, after thanking me for being there for him.

Sunday, he stopped by (unannounced!) with flowers for me, telling me what a great friend I had been to him. We had coffee, and he was on his way. Tuesday, he called me and told me that Stella had again announced sudden plans to stay with a girl friend for a couple of days. He sounded panic-stricken. He asked if he could stop by my house to talk that evening: he didn't want to be alone. I told him ok. I had dinner made for us that night, and he spent the night. We had tender, but passionate sex into the night. The next day, we both called in sick and we stayed together most of the day. I told him that I hoped he could work things out with Stella, that I would always care about him, but that it was over; that our continuing this affair could only drive a wedge between him and Stella, and that it could threaten what you and I have. He tried to argue with me, but I was firm. He said that he would always value our time together, and our friendship, even if we never saw each other again. When he left, for what I fully expected to be the last time, I felt RELIEF.

From then on, I was going to dedicate myself to being the best wife you ever could imagine. I had no lingering doubts about my love for you or our marriage. I had no desire whatsoever to be with Justin ever again. My guilt I would bury. You would get the rewards of my experiences. I saw a bright future for us. Then, it all blew up in my face.

It was only a few weeks after my last time with Justin that we had our little tiff about the blowjob. After that, our relationship began to hit a rocky patch-you being gone, you having performance problems, and everything else. Despite the anxiety I felt about those problems, I was actually never more secure in my love for you-I had come through all my doubts, I was more dedicated to you than ever. That amazing day of our anniversary party seemed like the final breakthrough for us, until the nightmare of the party actually occurred.

Ever since then, every day has been a torment to me. The only thing that keeps me going is that I know you are out there, alive. That, and I know I love you more than I ever have before. I pray to God that you read this letter, and that you understand the what's, why's and how's of my affair. I hope you understand-not accept, not forget, but understand what really happened. I hope you can forgive me. I pray that you can give us another chance. I made a foolish mistake. I could never happen again. Too many things aligned that led me down that destructive path. But, I made it out again. Maybe, someday, you can accept those truths. Maybe, someday, you can see my love for you, and realize that you want that love. Maybe you can see what wasn't in that envelope.

With my undying love,

Sue