What'll I Do? Ch. 03

Chapter 3

'Was it a dream?'

Thanael cupping my face, both of us gazing into each other's eyes...

'Was it a fucking dream?'

The past unravelling into the present... and the future tastes more uncertain this morning.

This is not just about having the possibility of living out of love or desiring for forgiveness from the man whose heart I tore up to pieces.

'This is about--'

I knew that Thanael forgave me, but it was my inability to forgive myself that kept eating away my hope for love. Instead, I fell into the dark path of maintaining an illusion.

I liked Jacob, but I knew that I did not love him nor he felt the same way.

Jacob was the "fear" and regret that I could not articulate with my lover, my former lover Thanael, who after 3 years, was so close to me again.

While he held my face, I know that in some way I would be able to accept Thanael's caution, hesitation and rejection. I would never blame him for doing so.

'Who am I kidding? I've been such a wreck since my mistake.'

After Thanael and I parted from the vet, I went straight home.

Sleeping in the couch was not comfortable, so I crawled into bed, the same bed that Thanael slept in. His smell, his musk, his warmth, the memories of the past: the way we stared into each other while we came and orgasmed. We made love practically every day during our first year of living together. We were saturated in each others energy.

The way we embraced each other during the winter months and the way we slept far enough from each other, but not too far so we would not fall out of bed because we had a fight. Even then, we could not stand being apart from each other. It me sick to be away from him.

The way he told me that he loved me.... and I ran away from all of it, from him.

'Self pity makes a good co-dependent companion in the dark space.'

Could not help myself while surrounded by my own guilt and shame, I took shelter under the covers. I took shelter from the cruelty of my own actions, from my own illusion and took shelter into the residue of Thanael's presence.

I sank deeper into depression later that day. I've already had to say goodbye to Tristan, "our" dog. And I may just have to accept the fact that the recent episode with Thanael was nothing but a reminder of what I gave up, something destroyed and something I could never have again with him.

* I spent the next week at work, a heavier week than usual, not surprisingly since my weekend was a complete emotional whirlwind.

"Nate, you have a call on line 3." Annette my secretary alerted me as I just came out of a meeting.

"I need to get some coffee first." I responded lightly.

"Honey, you'll need more than coffee to deal with who's on line 3, I suggest you get in there and shut the door." Annette commanded.

Annette was 59, a single mother of 4, a widow and one hell of legal assistant! She's seen lawyers come and go through these halls for 30 years. Some come back and some leave with nothing but tears or at least a taxi ride to the closest therapist or psychiatric ward. Since I started at the firm, she took me under wing because she thought that I needed discipline and some insight. Her instincts were right.

I was a bit too idealistic. If I recall correctly, "sweetie, you need to stop living in your illusions and to stop looking for the truth, but keep looking for how the truth reveals itself to you," she claimed prophetically.

But since I broke it off with Thanael, she's been distant, more formal than usual, but never reduced the level of her stern, direct and no-non-sense attitude. She did slap me in front of my department head when she found out about the break up.

I stared at the blinking light.

Blink.

Blink.

"Please answer line 3, so I can go on my break!" Annette announced.

"Hello."

"Hi, Nate. I just want to say thank you for being supportive last week."

"Yeah, you're welcome, my pleasure. It was the least I could do. After all, I fucked up--"

"Nate, I just want to say thank you. I understand that we had issues, but I just want to express my gratitude, not hear about your self-pity."

'There it was. The slap on the face that I needed.'

A moment of silence.

"Nate? I'm sorry, I should not have," he tried to apologize.

"Thanael, it's okay. I deserve it. It's about time that I heard it and I am glad that it came from you."

"Listen, there's a position that just opened up here at my firm, would you be interested in coming in for an interview?"

"Really, I mean yes, that would be great. I mean how? Why?" The prospect of being in the same firm, being in the same space with Thanael would be great. It would be a dream come true.

"Well one of our junior associates is being promoted and I recommended you."

"Yeah, sure that would be great." I was in heaven.

"My secretary will forward the details to Annette and someone from HR will call you back to set up the appointment."

'Was this it? Was this Thanael's way of coming back into my life? Has he forgiven me?' I thought.

And I thought about many things during the week.

I was not looking for a job, but the change was welcomed. Thanael's firm was much larger and the benefits were better. I was saddened by the thought of possibly leaving Annette and a few of my friends from the firm. But the prospect of being close to Thanael again was far too big of a chance for me to let go.

In retrospect, I never really did let go or got over him. And now, could it be that he is also trying to reach out?

Two Weeks Later.

"Thank you Nate, that was a very good interview and we are really interested in the kind of talent and expertise that you can offer to our firm," Mr. Hendrickson exclaimed. He is one of the Senior Associates and one of the four lawyers to finance the firm during its early years.

"Thank you very much. I am glad that the interview flowed well and the conversation about your firm's stand on human rights and international law was definitely animated." I was wet inside my blazer. I was nervous as hell. This was worst than my bar exam!

"Hey! I heard the interview went well." Thanael came by the conference room.

I must have blushed when I caught him looking at me.

"Yes, he did. We'll have our decision within two weeks. We are sad that we are losing our dear Nathanael here own to our London Office, but the possibility of having you join the firm is also exciting. I have to go to another meeting gentlemen. It was a pleasure meeting with you Nate." Hendrickson shook my hand and left us.

"You're moving to London?" I asked with tears withheld.