What's Her Name? I Can't Tell You!

"Sorry, I had to get out of there!" Todd said as soon as they were outside. "Too much smoke, and I have an audition coming up this week."

On that note, he burst into song in an uncanny falsetto that could have passed for a woman's voice. It was enough to catch the attention of a couple of young women who were several yards ahead of them on the walkway. One of them turned around "Jen?" she asked, looking everywhere. Turning back to her friend, she asked, "Did you hear Jen singing just now?"

"It was me," Todd called to them. "Sorry!"

"Wow, you'd make a good drag queen!" said the woman, who James suspected was drunk.

"Thanks, I think," Todd said with a laugh. Just one semester on campus and already he had a reputation far and wide for uncanny voice impersonations. Comments like that were the price of showing off his talents, he supposed.

They were still chuckling over her comment when they passed by the entrance to Belmont Hall, and James saw Brandy and Paul emerging hand in hand. He looked at Brandy and was greeted with a very nervous glance. "Oh...hi, James," she said most uncertainly, while Paul said nothing.

"Evening Brandy, Paul," James forced himself to say. "How are you?"

"Fine, thanks," they said in unison, Brandy looking relieved.

"You handled that well," Todd said as soon as the lovebirds had gone on their way in the other direction. "I don't think I could be such a good sport after what you went through last semester."

"No use being a jerk about it," James said. "Besides, there is someone else. At least there might be someday."

"What do you mean there might be?" Todd asked. "Let me guess, you haven't asked this person out yet."

"No, and I probably won't. She's way out of my league. But at least I'm over my crush on Brandy."

"I hope you act on your crush on this new gal," Todd said. "I don't suppose you're going to tell me her name?"

"You know I can't do that until I've asked her out," James said.

"Which you're not going to do, because you've convinced yourself she's too good for you," Todd added.

"I suppose not."

Todd laughed. "It's your life. But tell me, was she back at that party?"

James thought for a moment. "No," he lied.

FEBRUARY

Gean had won two coups last semester: she had defeated Sarah for president of the Campus Feminist Alliance, and she had won passage of a motion to expel all men from the club. "It's nothing personal," she had told them one by one while turning them away at the door next meeting. "It's just that I'm the president, and I feel we women have to fight our own battles. Besides, this is supposed to be a safe space for women, and it can never really be that with you here." Several more moderate women had quit the alliance in protest, including Sarah. And so Gean was quite surprised to see Sarah turn up tonight, for the first time since the purge months before. But she kept her cool as she looked up from her seat behind the old teacher's desk that held court at the head of the conference room to see Sarah taking a seat.

"This is members only, Sarah," Gean chirped.

"So call campus security if you want," Sarah replied with a defiant grin. "But remember, they'll probably send men over, so they won't be able to come in here to get me under your rules."

"Okay," Gean said. "I'm not going to force you to leave. I'm going to ask you to leave."

"And I'm going to say no," Sarah said.

Despite most of the friends who had voted for her having also quit the club, Sarah got a warm welcome back from some of those who remained. "Never mind Gean," Michelle Schoenmeister said to her while Gean was busy talking to some new arrival Sarah didn't recognize. "We could use more loyal opposition. The place has turned into one big long bitch-fest under her; nothing ever gets done."

"That's not what I heard," Sarah said. "What about the big thing with Pi Delta last semester? Wasn't that your doing?"

"Oh, God, Sarah, after all her bluster about no men? Gean hired a guy to pretend to rush Pi Delta! That's how we got the information to get those guys kicked out."

"Wow!" But Sarah wasn't really all that surprised that Gean would bend her own rules. "Who was it?"

"Well, we're not supposed to say," Michelle said. "For his own safety, I guess, it's got to be kept a secret. In any case, no one but Gean can really take any credit for that."

"It doesn't sound like she really did anything either," Sarah mused. "It sounds like this mystery guy of yours was the hero."

"Like I said, not much has really happened," Michelle said. "So what have you been up to?"

"Just studying," Sarah said. "That's why I decided to come back, I'm sick and tired of life being nothing but studying and sleeping and running. Last semester got pretty lonely sometimes. I'm getting stir crazy in my room!"

"No one special, then?"

"What kind of feminist are you, if you're going to ask me that in a meeting like this?" Sarah asked in mock annoyance.

"So you're dateless too, then."

"Totally," Sarah admitted with a laugh. "I don't know why everyone always thinks I have guys beating my door down. I think some of them even aren't asking me out because they assume I'm already with someone else. But then I also don't know how anyone here has time for dating!"

Gean called the meeting to order, with one last dirty look at Sarah that didn't accomplish anything.

At first, Michelle was all too right: nothing was being accomplished. So they had worked through the agenda in barely ten minutes, and another of the new members whom Sarah didn't know began packing up her books and notebooks to leave. Sarah was about to follow her lead when Gean admonished the other woman: "Becca, we're not done."

"But that's all there is on the agenda," Becca said. "Gean, if there's more, you should have told me so I could have put it on the agenda."

"I'm the president, it's my prerogative to add more as I see fit," Gean declared. "Besides, I was undecided about this last plan, until the meeting started. Since some of our more squeamish sisters have decided to come home" -- she glared at Sarah as she said it -- "I think we need to push ahead with it after all. Just to remind them that I won the election for a reason, and because the women of the whole college need us." With a dramatic pause, Gean reached into her backpack and withdrew a thick ream of printer paper. "I have here a list of all potential rapists on campus. And we're going to post the list in the student union, where all our sisters will be able to see the list and take steps to protect themselves."

"That's an awfully long list, Gean," Michelle remarked.

"Yeah, what's it based on?" Becca said. "If there had been that many accusations of attempted rape, it would have made the national news!"

"I didn't say attempted rapists," Gean said. "I said potential rapists."

"Well, okay, but that's got to be based on something," Becca said.

"Oh, it is," Gean told her. "Have a look at the list, you'll figure it out."

Becca and a few others accepted the invitation and went to pore over the list, while Michelle stayed behind and resumed commiserating with Sarah. "I think I know what the list is," she whispered.

Becca beat her to it. "Gean! For heaven's sake, this is a list of every man on campus!"

"Precisely," Gean said.

"You can't put that up in the student union!" Sarah piped up. "You can't put it up anywhere! It's probably libelous!"

"One in three women is raped, Sarah," Gean chirped. "I have no qualms about guilty until proven innocent."

"But this isn't even that!" Becca said. "How on earth are any of the guys here supposed to prove a negative? Please tell me you at least left off..." She flipped to the F's. "James Franklin?! You even have him here, after what he did for us?!"

"Becca!" Gean snapped. "You're not supposed to say his name with any non-members present!"

"Oh, for fuck's sake, Sarah's one of us!" Michelle protested.

"It was James?" Sarah said. Quiet, shy James had brought down the Pi Delts?

"Sarah, if you breathe a word of this --" Gean began.

"But it's okay for you to call him a 'potential rapist' in front of the whole campus?!" Becca demanded.

"I want no part of that!" Michelle announced. "I quit! I'm out of the club, and I'm going to report you to student affairs, Gean!"

"Me too!" Becca said. "Let's get out of here before we hear anything else we shouldn't!"

"The only one who's said anything out of line was you, Becca!" Gean whined. "James' identity was supposed to be top secret!"

"It still is," Sarah grumbled, standing up to join Michelle and Becca. "Why on earth would I go public with that?!"

A few others joined them as well and, sensing that the list wasn't suitable for public conversation, they emerged from the dorm a moment later in an agreeable clutch of small talk. On the front steps, Sarah was surprised and a bit embarrassed to see James chatting up a woman she didn't know. She smiled at him as they made eye contact, but James tore his gaze away immediately, then glanced back at her with a cordial nod. This caught the attention of his friend, who turned around to see Sarah. "Hi," she said.

"Hello," Sarah said, before turning her attention back to her friends. As soon as they were out of earshot, she whispered to the others, "So it was him?"

"Yeah," Michelle said with a nod. "I didn't know you knew him."

"I have a class with him," said Tracy Jenkins. "He's awfully shy, but really smart. Nice guy if you can get through to him."

"That's the funny thing," Sarah said. "I had a really nice conversation with him back in December, and he just seemed like the sweetest guy. But he hasn't said a word to me since then. It's...odd."

"It's men," said Michelle. "Since when are they ever good at communicating?"

As much as she hated gender stereotypes, Sarah found she had to agree at the moment.

James' heart was still aflutter from his near miss when his precious time with Brandy was also cut short. "Well, I'm meeting Paul for dinner," she said. "You know, if you want to join us..."

"No thanks," James said a bit too quickly. "I have a -- a meeting with a prof. Maybe next time."

"A meeting with a prof at this hour?" Brandy asked.

"Only time we were both free." James hated lying to Brandy. Or to anyone, but especially Brandy.

"Yeah, office hours are ridiculous," Brandy agreed. "By the way, have you talked to your mystery girl yet?"

"I haven't seen her much lately." It was a bit easier to lie once the ice was broken!

"And if I know you, you haven't been looking!" Brandy said.

"Why would I when she's so far out of my league anyway?"

"Stop that! James, I just want you to be happy. But for that, you've got to try."

"Yeah, I know," James said. "I'll start tomorrow." He laughed, hoping Brandy would join in. She didn't, but she did bid him a polite good night before going off to meet Paul.

MARCH

The photograph of James, exhausted but victorious as he crossed the finish line in the 10K, would dominate the sports page in next week's student newspaper. No one who was at the first outdoor meet of the season needed to see the picture, though, as they had witnessed his heroic finish; and he spent the rest of that drizzly but bearable afternoon basking in the glow of congratulations from his teammates. "Congratulations, James!" "Took guts to keep that up!" "I don't know how you did it!"

James, of course, knew exactly how he had done it. Through every miserable step of the last few kilometers, when his legs felt ready to fall off and he was sure he'd never make it all the way, he'd simply imagined Sarah Martin waiting for him at the finish line with her arms wide open and that smile of hers that could light up a stadium - just for him this time. Much as he had imagined almost every night alone in his bed over the past few months, her long-awaited embrace felt as heavenly as it was...well, imaginary. In reality, of course, she had been somewhere in the crowd of his teammates, roaring with approval along with all the others as he'd stumbled in at first place. But he'd been too overcome with fatigue and relief and joy to both searching the crowd for her.

Just as well, naturally, that James hadn't been able to see her in that moment, with all eyes on him. Sarah -- beautiful, athletic, graceful and incredibly smart Sarah -- was more than a bit out of an awkward freshman's league, even if that freshman had just won the 10K, and even at their uber-open-minded college, James knew his place.

James got a break from the usual bittersweet joy Sarah always inspired in him when Tom McGrath appeared out of somewhere to offer his accolades. "Fantastic race, James! Need any more ice for your shins there?" Tom asked.

"Hm?" James had been focusing all his attention on Sarah as usual, her dark hair bouncing around in its ponytail as she kicked her knees up as gracefully as everything she ever did. And as usual, he wanted no one to know. "Oh, yeah, that'd be great, Tom, and thanks."

"I don't know how you distance guys do it," Tom said when he returned with the ice a moment later. "All I could think when I was watching you was, my God, it takes guts to work through that much pain."

"Thanks, Tom." James didn't know what else to say to such high praise from a senior who could have clobbered him in any event shorter than the 5K. "I guess you just don't really think of it that way at the time. It's just, hey, you started, you'd better finish. And it's worth it for the bragging rights to say you did, of course." That beautiful image of Sarah at the finish line flashed through his mind again, but as always he kept that to himself.

"I believe that," said Tom, who like James was admiring the scenery as the women lined up and waited for the starting gun, hands on the track and rear ends high in the air, long legs stretched and ready. "We've got the best seat in the house, haven't we?" he asked.

"And how!" James agreed, trying to look at any of the competitors rather than Sarah, and of course not quite succeeding.

"So which one's your favorite?"

"Me?" James asked, hoping to evade the question. "Oh...the redhead, definitely." The tallest of the lot, in the eye catching yellow and green jersey on the inside track, with the short but loud red hair -- whatever her name might be -- also had the advantage of being as far from Sarah as could be, so James could pretend his gaze wasn't even in her general direction.

"Yeah, she's cute," Tom agreed as the starting gun sounded and they were off. "But come on, where's your school spirit? What about Sarah?"

"Well, you didn't ask me who I was rooting for, did you?" James grinned. "Not that Sarah needs our help. She wins everything! In class and on the track. King Midas in a sports bra!"

"Geez, James, you sound like an angst-ridden teenager," Tom admonished. "Yeah, she's a big woman on campus and all that, but she's still just like any of us. And she could use our support right now."

"I guess I do need to get to know some of the women better," James agreed as he clapped for Sarah, who was of course leading the pack. He opted not to remind Tom that, having just turned nineteen, he was still a teenager for the moment.

"You are coming to the party tonight, aren't you?" Tom asked. "They'll all be there, or most of them at least. You've always been welcome, you know, but we didn't see much of you last fall. We all thought you were rushing some frat or other, but then you didn't join any."

"I was wasting my Saturday nights on a girl," James confessed, careful as always not to divulge any information as to what he really had been up to with the frat rush; his very safety depended on that discretion. "Not the type who'd want to come to a cross country team beer blast, or I would have brought her along." No need to hide his regrettable history with Brandy at this point; he'd let it slip to half the little campus anyway, even as Brandy had quite respectfully kept her mouth shut. At least no one would ever know about Sarah!

"Well, it's not wasted if you got the girl in the end," Tom offered.

"I didn't. I mean, we're still friends, thank heavens, but there was this other guy she goes to church with, he's much more her speed, I guess." James smiled through the unpleasant memory. "But that means I'm available for the ladies on our team, doesn't it?"

"Now you've got it!" Tom said. And their conversation drew to a pause as Sarah broke the tape and their teammates all broke into loud cheers. "But there is someone you're after, isn't there? I know I've heard you're interested in someone."

"Yeah," James said. "Too true."

"Who is it, James? Come on, you can tell your beloved teammates!"

"Sorry, Tom, but I've learned my lesson about that. You want to keep a secret on this campus, you keep it to yourself!"

Sarah almost didn't go to the team party. It had been a long bus ride home from the meet, and as usual she hadn't gotten nearly as much studying done between events as she always planned to. There were also the weeks-old plans for the new Cross Gender Alliance she and Michelle and Becca had decided to start now that Gean and her friends had gotten their club suspended with the potential-rapists stunt. To date the three of them hadn't been able to coordinate their schedules for even a brainstorming meeting, and she had promised herself again and again through the week that she would find time this weekend.

But an unanswered e-mail to both of them and an unbelievably dry chapter of political science text after dinner were more than enough to change her mind. Recalling that Becca had suggested inviting James to be the charter male member of their club, and that he would likely be at the party, sealed the deal. Sarah changed into a red and black dress, and forced herself to read one more chapter so she could arrive fashionably late.

"Told you guys he'd make it!" Tom proclaimed, raising his beer can to James as he arrived in the crowded off-campus living room. Everyone, even the women he didn't know, greeted him with applause and congratulations on a great race. Amidst the pats on the back and expressions of surprise that he wasn't too sore to walk, James found himself settled with a cold beer and a place in the game of quarters at the table in no time.

Half a dozen women were also crowded around the table along with some of the guys, and in no time James found himself making friends among them, after months of barely knowing their names. "I ought to play this game more often," he quipped when Laura Tompkins, sitting beside him in a tight blue dress, gave him an affectionate pat on the back after he won a closely fought round.

That brought a round of laughs -- and a surprised look from Laura. "I'll say you ought to, James," she said. "That's the first time you've ever talked to me!"

"Or any of us, I think," added one of her friends; James thought her name was Erin.

"Yeah, James, how come you never say hello to us when we see you around campus?" Laura continued.

"I'm..." James groped for a decent explanation. "Terrible with faces?"

"Are you asking us if you are?" asked Erin.

"Ladies!" interjected Mike Glesson. "Brother James here was busy with some other business last semester and he never came to our parties. Even we didn't see him all that much outside of practice. So he never got around to knowing a lot of you. That's all."

"Thank you!" James said. Turning back to Laura, he continued, "That's it all right, I just never had the chance to get to know most of you. I wish I had come to more of these parties before." It certainly would have been time better spent than chasing after Brandy, that much he knew now.

"Do we forgive him, ladies?" Laura asked her friends.

"Laura! He's shy! That's not a crime!" Erin said.