When Words Wander

"Since we're going to sign an agreement not to go to court, you might wonder why I'm talking about what a court would do. I want you to understand that any agreement we get will be within the range of the best and worst that might happen to you in court.

Jonathan took a deep breath and blurted, "I want to support my kids, but I don't want to give that cheating bitch a dime. Can we do that?"

"No! The only way that would happen is if she agrees to it. That's what 'collaborative' means. If you could prove that she'd abandon the marriage and the kids, you might stand a chance with some of the judges, but she's been a stay-at-home mother. Both you and the kids benefited from that, and it has real monetary value. You've told me how you sacrificed to make it possible for the household to be her 'job.' What sort of message are you sending to your daughters if you change that now? Do you want them to think that being a full-time mother doesn't have monetary value? That's the message you'll send if you try to make Susan suffer because she didn't get a good job outside the home. Is that really what you want to say?"

Jonathan sighed. Not putting the kids in daycare letting Susan make their house a home had been important to him. He wasn't sure when she started her affair--- she said a year--- but when he thought about it, the way the house was before the kids started school and after, it just seemed like she didn't create the same sort of safe place. He couldn't put his finger on it, but he'd thought it... well, he didn't know what he thought. It was just that it was clear that Susan didn't have the house or the family at her core once the kids started school. She'd started taking craft classes and getting involved in all sorts of civic project instead of focusing on her family's needs.

Jonathan had accepted it as part of life. Like everyone, Susan had grown as she got older. He'd hoped she might get a part-time job so that he wouldn't have to pull so much overtime, but he had to admit he felt a certain pride that she was able to get involved in society things like the wives of their rich neighbors.

Now, a bit shamed, Jonathan looked at Mark in his expensive suit. "I'm not too good with words. I think that's one thing that scares me about all this legal stuff. I'd bet on myself in a bare-knuckle brawl with money, marbles or chalk, but I'm not good with an argument. I don't even have a good answer days later. I'm the guy all those greeting card companies had in mind when they wrote that stuff. I've spent hours picking out a card for Susan or the girls on special occasions, or just when I wanted to tell her I loved her, because I could never find words like that in myself.

Jonathan's eyes locked with the lawyer for several long minutes as the two men took silent measure of each other. There wasn't any tension, just a lively non-verbal discussion. Finally Mark's mouth twitched, hinting at a smile. "I understand, words and phrases are easy for me, but if I had to fix my car I'd be using a horse. Like the Good Book says, we each have different gifts. A society needs all of them if we're going to be successful. If this divorce were to go exactly as you wanted, what would it look like?"

Jonathan hadn't given this a lot of thought. "I've been looking and I found a job on an offshore rig on the Gulf Coast. They work two weeks on the rig and then they give you two weeks off. Even with all that time off, I'd be making more than I am now. I could pick up part-time work here, but I'd only do things that would allow me to be home when the kids aren't in school. I know girls need their mother, so if we could split their time so they lived with me half the time and the rest with their, mother that would be fair? I don't need much to live on, especially if I'm on a rig half the time, so I think I could probably give the kids 75% of my take-home after taxes. The rest would be enough to get a little place, make my car payments and such... would that be fair? But I don't want a penny going to support Susan!"

Mark smiled, "Under Texas law, you'd max out at 30% of your assets, basically your salary, for child support, and three years spousal maintenance." Mark paused and steepled his fingers under his chin for a bit then said, "How long do you think you'd want to work offshore?"

Jonathan shrugged, "I hadn't really thought about it. I don't want to work out there at all. I like Central Texas, it's close to my family, but I didn't see any way that I could work here and still have any time for the girls. Especially if I have to work even more overtime to pay for an extra place. I'll be too tired to spend any time with them.

That's why I'm going to work off-shore. My understanding is that oil companies get more than a month's worth of work out of you in the two weeks on the rigs but you're free the rest of the time. The benefits look good and by working part time here, I can start to put something away for the girls to go to college."

After a few seconds thought Jonathan continued, "But I don't want the girls to think I love work more than them, and I want to see them grow up. You know? Susan is always saying I just sit around watching TV and drinking beer, but I listen to what's going on too. Susan was always telling me about what the girls were up to. Like as not, Cindy and Joey would come sit on the couch with me and talk too. They'd tell me all sorts of things about what was happening to them. Stuff I never talked about with my parents. I never said much, I'd just listen mostly. I mean I'd give them advice, and I never forgot that I was their dad and not their best friend. But it was just so neat to see how their minds worked and to watch them becoming smarter and more grown up. Cindy would talk about boys and what her friends were doing. I was part of their lives you know. I don't want to lose all that. I want to be able to spend time with them and not be a stranger who takes them to dinner."

In a very quiet voice Mark asked, "Where are the kids going to live if you don't want to help Susan live in your house, and you only have an efficiency? When you're on the rigs, they can't live at home without someone to take care of them."

Jonathan's forehead wrinkled in thought, "I don't want the kids to lose our house... I guess I hadn't thought about any of this. I just assumed that I'd lose everything and Susan would get it. I just don't want to pay her anything. I'll buy the kids gift cards for Luby's cafeteria or any good place to eat, but I don't want to buy so much as milk for Susan's coffee!

Jonathan's lips compressed, "I don't want to pay for her housing either! I want the kids to have the house. I don't mind paying for that, but I don't want her to live there!" He paused looked down at his hands, clenched in his lap. "This is really a mess, isn't it?"

"Some couples agree to share the family home. Sharing the family house sounds good, but in real life it almost never works out. However with you being gone every other two weeks, it might work short term."

Jonathan felt his stomach twist into knots. "It wouldn't be bad if she paid half for it but she can't make that kind of money, and I don't want her to bring that asshole there, or the other assholes she'll pick up. I don't understand that woman, but I don't want my kids to get the idea that it's okay to have two husbands at the same time."

Mark looked over the financials. Since they'd built the house two years ago, the market had declined slightly, and most of the twenty-thousand they'd paid down would be lost to the 5% realtor's commission. They didn't have any savings beyond his 401(k). Splitting the assets would mean selling the house, which would hurt the children. If this went to court there was a good chance that Susan would gain full control of the house until the kids were grown. Jonathan would then get half of the profit when it was sold.

Mark had seen something like this in most cases. It was especially tough when one spouse was a stay-at-home parent. "Once you're divorced, you won't have any say about how she lives her life. However, if it's your house, if you're covering all the costs, you can have a say about what can happen there.

"If we could figure out a way to get her cash for her share of your assets..." his voice trailed off in thought. "Would you consider letting her live in the house during the periods you're on the rigs for a time. The free rent might serve in lieu of some support, at least until she could find a job and begin supporting herself?

Choking off a bitter laugh Jonathan said, "Susan won't ever go to work, all she wants to do is to be a wife and mother. I wasn't enough for her so she had to go find someone else to be a wife to, she'll do the same thing again. I shouldn't have to support her while she shacks up with whatever number of men 'need' her as a part-time wife."

Jonathan paused, as he realized that he'd stumbled into a new understanding of Susan. "I don't understand that sort of thinking. I only want one woman. I'll give her everything I have, all of me. Isn't that what we promised each other at our wedding?

"I mean I don't smoke, I have a good job, before this happened I don't remember the last time I drank enough to have to worry about passing a DWI test. I don't gamble, I'll bet a few buck on a game, but never more than a five here or there. Hell, I don't even buy lottery tickets 'cause the odds suck. I don't chase other women, and I've sure as hell never raised a hand to any woman, much less Susan.

"I've thought real hard on this, but I've never thought about it this way. It wasn't just that she felt the need to have sex with another man; it was that I wasn't enough of a husband for her. She wants more than me...

'That's why she had to lie to me. I might not be enough man for her, but I'm too much of a man to settle for half a woman. It's like playing poker where I bet a hundred but she only puts fifty in the pot. She wanted us both, that means she's going to want more than that asshole can give her too. Why would any sane man... " Jonathan clamped his mouth shut and gritted his teeth. It went against his grain to bad mouth others who weren't there to defend themselves. As much as she deserved it, his daddy had taught him better.

Mark looked expectant and let the silence stretch. For most people, expectant silence becomes intolerable and eventually they'll let things slip out they hadn't intended, just to break the silence. When it was clear that Jonathan wouldn't say anything else, he asked, "What if we put into the agreement that you never have to see Susan, that she'd have to wait until you were boarding the plane before she could come to the house, and she'd have to leave before your plane landed here?"

There was a tiny light of interest in Jonathan's eyes and he asked, "Could I say that she'd have to live in the basement, where I've been living? Could we also say that she couldn't move the furniture or change things? She was always moving things around, buying new things and decorating the house. If it was my house I wouldn't want her messing with my stuff. She'd be like a guest there. Could I do that?"

Mark suppressed a sigh, his job was always hard, but this looked like one of the tougher ones. He had to keep reminding himself that he was only hearing one side, but his experience told him that Jonathan was being as open as he was capable of being. He knew scores of women who would give their right arm for a man who gave as unreservedly as Jonathan. A man whose integrity was such that what you saw is what you got. He was what the world used to call a "plain" man and it was meant as high praise. It was cases like this one where Mark's old competitive juices kicked in, he'd have to watch that.

** ** ** ** **

Jonathan had been surprised that Susan had dragged her feet about the divorce. She was the one who filed, but she wouldn't start talking to lawyers on Mark's list for weeks. More weeks had passed before they were able to set up this face-to-face meeting. Jonathan had already worked several shifts on the offshore rigs. It was harder and even lonelier than he'd imagined. Until they settled on the property and custody questions, he'd rented a one-room efficiency in Austin. He would not live in the basement of his own house like some sort of troll. He'd come over to the house when the kids got home and would leave after they went to bed.

Still, Jonathan had an icy knot of fear in his gut, despite being relieved now that the process was getting started. He thought he'd known Susan, but now she was so unpredictable. Mark had worked hard to help him understand what would happen to him if he went to trial. No matter what Jonathan thought was just, the law thought she should get half of their net worth. The plan that Mark had helped him develop would allow him not to pay any spousal support. Instead Jonathan would pay for all the children's expenses--- all their food, clothing and medical needs. He would provide a generous allowance for each girl and would even pay for gifts that Susan would pick out, within price guidelines.

Jonathan would also pay for any athletic team fees, or pay for any kind of lessons that the children might try. Again there were guidelines so that the money wouldn't be wasted on lessons that weren't appreciated. If a girl took piano lessons for example, Jonathan wouldn't pay unless she was also spending the time practicing. He wouldn't buy a piano until the child had proven a commitment.

Jonathan would also give Susan a little of his 401(k) but would get full title to the house in return. Susan would also be the custodial parent, and would live in his house. The children would live in his house full time but he'd have unlimited access when he was on shore. For a maximum of three years, Susan could live in the house during the two weeks a month Jonathan was in town. She would live in the basement, which would be fixed up as an apartment with a separate entrance. After three years Susan would have to have her own place so that Jonathan could live in his house two weeks every month. In ten years when little Nancy graduated from high school Susan would no longer have access to his house.

It wasn't what he wanted, but Mark had convinced him it was fair and better than he might get in a court fight. Besides, although he hadn't said anything, he was pretty sure Susan would find someone to marry very soon. Under the agreement she wasn't allowed to have any man in any part of his house, even for dinner. Jonathan was sure she'd find someone soon who wanted a wife.

As Jonathan looked around the room Mark had specially designed for these meetings, he was struck by the quality of the furnishings. There were four very comfortable chairs around an elegant coffee table. Near each chair was a writing table on rollers that looked a little like those you see in hospitals to allow a patient to eat in bed. The room was decorated like a cozy living room; there was even a gas fireplace to make things mellow.

Mark's secretary had shown them in and was still explaining the amenities of the room when Mark and Susan's attorney, Laura, entered the room, each holding a sheaf of papers. Mark said, "Cindy emailed these to Laura and me this morning. I just need to confirm that you wrote a journal about what led to our being here."

Jonathan looked at Susan who looked smug, "I wrote those so I'd remember what was said and how I was feeling while all this was going on. I was trying to find a way to explain what Jonathan was doing to me. When Cindy saw me writing the other day, she said she was going to take it to Jonathan. I wasn't happy about Cindy knowing all the details, but I thought this might be a good way to make sure that Jonathan read it."

Laura snorted, "You actually encouraged Cindy to send this?"

Jonathan saw the anger flare in Susan's eyes, "Yes I did! I took all, well, almost all the reference to sex out. Just what I thought Jonathan needed to know to understand that this wasn't about sex."

Mark's voice was bland "You didn't write about your sex life, at least not much. But you wanted Jonathan to know that for the last four years you were running Rich's house. Doing all the cleaning, washing the dishes and cooking for him. That you would type papers for him and help him study for his law classes."

Susan shrugged, "Jonathan was never interested in anything about Rich and me except the sex. I thought if he knew the whole story he might come to his senses."

"Susan turned from Mark to look at Jonathan and then continued, "I know that if you would read what I've said and how I felt, it would help us get to where I wanted our marriage to be. I knew I made a mess of that first meeting and I thought if I could get you to read the whole thing we could work things out. ."

Jonathan finally absorbed what had just been said about how long the affair had lasted. As it sank in he felt a cold fury begin to well up inside him. Turning to Susan, he said with a snarl, "You said it was only a year, not four years! You've been..." he started to say 'fucking' but the presence of Laura, another female, made him falter. "You've been with him for four years!"

Susan replied with eyes blazing, "Of course not! I'm not a liar, you know that! We only had sex for the last year. You were never interested in how or why Rich and I began to see each other. You were never interested in why I needed to help him, or how much he needed me. It was all about your male ego and some other man using your property."

Mark looked at Laura, then jumped in. "I think we'd better take a break. Just to be clear, you didn't have any objection to Jonathan or me reading your thoughts?"

"Of course not, I don't have anything to hide. It's what I've wanted all along. My hope has been that if Jonathan will take the time to understand how I feel and what I've been through that perhaps we can build a new and better marriage together. If he would just remember how much he loves me, we can get past all this, especially since Rich and I broke up."

Making eye contact with Laura, Mark said, "We had planned for a two-hour joint meeting, but I think we should plan to move it back until Laura and I have had a chance to talk about how this might affect the deal we had worked out."

Turning to Jonathan he continued, "You'll probably want to read this in private. It might be better if you stayed away from home for a day or two..."

Shaking his head, Jonathan said, "No, I need to be with my girls. I'm sure Susan can find someone to stay with tonight. If Cindy's already read it... no, I want to be in my own house tonight."

Susan's voice showed her excitement. Turning to the lawyers she said, "Sure, Jonathan's slow; it takes him a long time to get anything new. I'll let him read it privately." Turning to Jonathan, "Will you read it? Will you try to understand? It will make so much difference. I don't want a divorce. I still love you. You will always be my soul mate, the father of my girls, and the man I want to spend my old age with. The only reason I felt I had to file was because the way you were acting was affecting the girls. I have to put their needs above our future together."

Jonathan looked at her and tried again to understand this creature he'd married. Had she always held such a low opinion of him? Unable to compose words that might convey his feelings, he simply nodded. "I'll read it tonight."

Susan's face beamed as she smiled tenderly at Jonathan.

** ** ** ** **

"Daddy, I made sure Mom sent it to Mr. Mark because I want to live with you. I thought you should see what Mom had been doing." She dropped her voice to a conspiratorial whisper, "I didn't tell anyone about the gun. I was so scared when I found it loaded again. I hid it and I've been so relieved that you've never asked about it. You can't tell anyone, they'll think you're unstable and use that to try to keep us from you."