When Words Wander

Jonathan blinked so hard he was sure the neighbors could hear his eyelids snap back open. Little Cindy was the reason his gun hadn't worked? She'd known? How could she have known, when he'd had no idea that it might happen? Once he'd had a chance to think about what he'd almost done, it had shocked him to the very fiber of his soul. It was just that hopelessness, and the thought that his kids would be better off with him dead. He'd been overwhelmed and he'd had no one to turn to. Still, he couldn't let his daughter know how weak he'd been. The burden of what he'd almost done was his and his alone. His mind raced, he wouldn't lie, but what could he say.

"I wondered what happened to the bullets. The gun wouldn't do much good in a burglary if it wasn't loaded."

Cindy didn't say anything else but she looked reassured as she left the room.

Jonathan sat back on the bed and thought about what Susan had written. For the last sixteen years Susan had been where he stored his vulnerability, sure that she would protect his soft underbelly behind the shield he used to keep the world at bay, sure she'd protect him as he always tried to protect her. Having read Susan's story, he was dumbfounded. First, he'd had no idea that she had so much talent as a writer, and second, he couldn't understand how he'd ever thought that he knew her.

During their time getting ready for that first meeting, Mark had repeatedly talked about how important communication was for the collaborative process to work in a divorce. It had taken hours of skillful questioning by Mark to gather everything Jonathan wanted the lawyer to know. Yet Susan's words just seemed to flow off the page. Why hadn't she ever told him how she felt or what she wanted?

She must have known at some deep level how repugnant it would have been to him.

** ** ** ** **

Jonathan looked around Mark's collaboration room, noting details that he'd missed the last time he'd been here. Mark had gone all out to make this room look like someone's private den. The whole room radiated understated good taste. It was the sort of place that practically required good manners... no, it demanded 'the-preacher's-coming-to-dinner' kind of manners. Jonathan decided that was intentional. People would be less inclined to scream at each other in a room like this. He could feel its atmosphere working on him as Susan entered with her lawyer. She looked radiant, a very fine looking woman. How looks could deceive.

The chairs were arranged differently today. He and Susan sat across from each other, the fireplace to his right. However, this time both lawyers sat at the head of the coffee table facing that fireplace. Jonathan looked expectantly for Mark to begin. He'd spent several additional hours with him preparing for this, their second joint meeting.

Mark nodded at Jonathan and then Susan. "Laura and I have spent over an hour together, going over how this situation has changed. As we've told you, one of the advantages of this collaborative process is that I don't have to look at Susan as someone I'll have to face in depositions or in court. Also, I can look upon Laura as a partner in trying to solve your problem and not an adversary to beat as badly as I can.

"In this process, our job isn't to get our client every knife or fork possible out of the settlement, but to try to find a solution both parties feel is fair and that will allow them to move forward with as little bitterness as possible.

"What I've found remarkable is that using this process most clients give up less than they were prepared to sacrifice, and receive more than they expected. I've found that I'm needed more often to keep my clients from accepting less than most courts would give them, than fighting to make sure they're fairly treated by their spouse." Mark nodded to Laura.

Laura said, "This has been my experience as well. I've also seen less custody problems down the road with this process than is the case in divorces that go to trial. If a couple can end their marriage in a collaborative way, they tend to continue to cooperate when custody problems crop up. Custody problems will happen no matter how tightly the custody agreement is written.

"Part of our job in this process is to work with our clients to get them into the proper frame of mind before the first negotiations begin. Using my experience, I know what is likely to happen in court, and I use that get my clients to be reasonable in their demands.

"Mark and I have been discussing your divorce settlement since the time you both signed the agreement to use this process. While the devil is in the details--- by that I mean partners sometimes fight over some prize possession, that has little market value, but that each 'must' have--- most couples will generally agree to the over-all settlement the two attorneys think is fair. In this case Susan's journal makes all our early work useless. Since Susan was determined to share it with Jonathan, it's going to be part of the divorce process, and it changes the equation."

Mark turned to Susan, "You need to understand that any competent lawyer could use this document to radically change what you could expect in a settlement. Laura and I agreed on what a court settlement would probably look like. Normally, we'd use that as a basis for the four of use to work out a compromise settlement. Because Laura has already said that she's going to withdraw, we're both recommending you accept what we've worked out without modifications. Laura will recommend another attorney in her firm to advise Susan if you want to make any major changes in what we've done. But, Susan you need to understand that the new lawyer would have to start from scratch and it will be very expensive. If you agree to what we've worked out, we can save you both significant legal costs. I think what...

Susan looked at Laura and interrupted. "But why are we still talking about settlements?" She turned to Jonathan, "Didn't you comprehend what I wrote? Didn't you see how much I love you? You said you loved me, didn't you love me? I know you loved me before Rich. Now that Rich isn't involved, can't we build on our love to create a new and better marriage? Didn't you see how upset I was that I said those hurtful things that first night? I'm really so sorry I lost my temper, but didn't you understand my explanations? Please Jonathan, for the sake of the girls, I'm willing to give you all the time you need to change, to grow into the man I know you can be, to understand what you need to do to keep this from hurting the girls any more."

Jonathan froze. How could he explain? They weren't even speaking the same language. How could two people have been married for so long not speak the same language? They used the same words, but they had different meanings. Jonathan knew what words like love meant to him, but he couldn't understand what those words meant to her.

Looking at Susan, Jonathan tried one more time, "I was happily married for fifteen years. I loved my wife and I knew that she loved me. I loved her completely and without reservation. I didn't hold any thing back from her, not my body, my soul or my deepest fears and weaknesses. I was the happiest man on this Earth to have a wife who I could love and support. Susan, you lived with me for fifteen years, but I was never your husband. I just didn't know it. You may possess the body of the person I thought was my wife, but you were never the person I loved. I don't hate you, but I hate that you made me waste all that time, because you pretended to be someone you're not. I don't hate you, but I sure don't like you, and seeing your body just reminds me of the wife I never had. I loved her, I always will, but as much as I love her, I dislike you for pretending to be her!"

Mark touched his arm. "Jonathan, why don't you go in my office? Jonathan looked at Susan, shook his head and walked quietly to Mark's office.

** ** ** ** **

Once Jonathan left the room, Laura's gaze pinned Susan like a honey-coated prisoner on an ant hill. "You ought to know the reason I decided I couldn't continue to represent you. My personal feelings won't let me! This agreement is, in my legal opinion, much better than what you'd get in any court. By that I mean that if we got the best judge on his best day, he'd never give you as much as I've negotiated for you. It is my legal opinion that you should sign before it's withdrawn. That's my last piece of legal advice to you.

"I'm going to ask Mark to leave in a second. Since I will no longer be your lawyer, I'd like your permission to speak to you woman to woman. I'd like Mark to witness that you agree to stay and hear what I have to say. I want it very clear that nothing I'm going to say could possibly be considered legal advice, even if we talk about your divorce. If you and he will agree, some of things I'd like to say to you in private might help you. I know they'll make me feel better. Our agreement already protects you from anything said here being used in court. Will you agree?"

Susan nodded and once Mark had left the office she turned to Laura. Her voice had a strained quality as she tried to keep the anger out of her tone. "You're a woman, why can't your see my side? Can't you help us get back together? Maybe recommend a good marriage conselor?"

Laura sighed dramatically. "The only person in this whole process who thinks you should stay married is you. That includes your children; even little Nancy told me that, and I quote, 'it's not fair that daddy has to live in the basement because mommy has a new boyfriend.'" Laura fixed Susan with a practiced glare that had made one opposing male attorney lose control of his bladder during a divorce trial before a jury. "I meant what I said about the settlement. You'd better grab it. Jonathan is being more noble than I'd be. If I had Jonathan as a client and drew Judge Judy Martin, who helped form the local NOW chapter way back when, you wouldn't believe what Jonathan would get. Not only would he own every piece of clothing in your closet, you'd be paying him alimony to make up for his support of you for the last four years! It wouldn't matter if you were living in a cardboard box!"

Susan's faces showed her shock, "No woman would do that to me..."

"I helped Judy form NOW and I'd do it to you. I'm as liberal as they come. I hate it when I hear that asshole Rush talks about liberals not caring about results but only about intentions. I hate it when he says that liberals are more concerned about the reasons for an act someone does that what the act is. What makes me furious is when he can point to women like you as a real life example! Good God woman, what kind of mush filled your skull?

"It's women like you that give women's rights a bad name. You never even made an attempt to carry your own weight, even after your kids were in school. I'm not one of those women who looks down on women who choose the mommy track. I respect a woman who makes it her job to raise a family. That's a big job in this day and age, but that's not what you did. You didn't use your spare time to work for your family, to volunteer to make your city a better place for your kids. No, when keeping one house wasn't enough to keep you busy, you didn't do anything for anyone but yourself. You went out and found another man to be a housewife for. That's the kind of housewife that makes the real housewives look bad.

"You keep telling me that you're a strong woman. Strong women accomplish great things. Can you tell me anything you've accomplished that a weak woman wouldn't? You've told me repeatedly that you want Jonathan to be strong enough to accept you, yet have you accepted him the way he is, the way he shows love?

Laura's eyes blazed, "I quote from your journal: 'I knew in my heart, from what he said, and how he acted, he never loved me enough to want to know why. He never loved me enough to want to understand. He had never asked me why, because why did not matter. Only making love to another man mattered.

'Had he ever loved me or had he only loved having me? Was it now that I was tainted goods, that another man had taken his property, was that all that had meaning to him? ...I slowly cried myself to sleep, knowing, feeling that he had never loved me, never would or could love me. I felt, I realized, I had been open to involving herself with Rich, because intuitively I had known that Jonathan had not truly loved me. Ours hadn't been a marriage of love, it had been a marriage of convenience--- for him. He had never given me his true love.'"

Laura looked up from the paper. "You'd just decided that your first attempt to explain your cheating hadn't gone well because you got mad. This time Jonathan told you that you'd changed the marriage contract without consulting him. He told you he hated you that because you'd ruined his family, and you concluded that he had never loved you. Do I have that right?"

Susan relaxed, and nodded, 'that's what I felt.'

Laura gave her a look of incredulity. "What does it take to get through to you? You told me that Jonathan wasn't big on words, did he ever tell you he loved you out of bed?"

"Sure, not very often, and he never elaborated much; it was just something he said because he thought he was supposed to. He never spent anything like the time that Rich did talking about love and what loving me meant to him. Rich would look in my eyes and his words would make me shiver at his need for me."

"Did Rich ever pay your bills?"

"NO! GOD! He wouldn't think of it, he loved me; he never thought of me as a whore! I took Jonathan to task for making that kind of comment."

Laura steely expression didn't change, "I know, I read that. Let me rephrase my question. Besides words and sex, how did Rich show you that he loved you? Did he give you little gifts? Take you to nice places?"

Susan shrugged, "I know he would have, but I couldn't take the risk that Jonathan might find the gift or hear from someone who had seen us someplace, and not understand our relationship. I was right, too, Jonathan didn't love me enough to even ask me why?"

"If he'd asked you why, I'm sure you would have given him other examples of how he failed you as a man. Of how your lover was more of a man than he was, how Rich could better meet your needs because he was..."

Susan interrupted, "No," she paused in thought for a second. "No, it wasn't that much better, really; it was more different than better. Rich provided me things that Jonathan didn't, couldn't. They were different types of men. Rich was..."

Looking even more formidable Laura jumped back in, "I think you said:

"No" Susan stretched out the word this time, giving it a you-don't-understand inflection. "Jonathan just didn't respond to me the way Rich did. Honestly, he wasn't doing much of anything..."

"If I remember correctly, he didn't do much more than fish every now and then, sit in front of the TV and drink beer. He'd given up most of his friends... became dull, right?"

Susan cocked her head, trying to figure out what the tone Laura used had meant. "Yes, that's true. He's put on some weight too, and he just didn't seem interesting; he didn't talk to me. He didn't want to know how I was feeling."

"I don't suppose working sixty hours a week, fifty-one weeks a year so you could have that half-million dollar house might have had much to do with that? Never mind. What were you doing to find out what was going on in his life? To take care of him? I think he carried his lunch to work to save money. Did you make that for him?"

"Sometimes, getting everyone off in the morning was the most hectic time of the day."

Laura shook her head, and then continued, "Since you did most of the cooking, did you watch his diet, help him get involved in exercise? I seem to remember that you resented that he didn't want to go to the parties that you wanted to attend. Did you try to find activities he might enjoy? Just talking to you both, I know that you are much better at organizing social activities than Jonathan; as a "strong woman," did you take the lead in that area, or was too much of your time taken up doing housework for Rich?"

Susan flinched, Laura's tone was definitely hostile. "If he loved me, he was supposed to put me first, to..."

"Doesn't that mean you were supposed to put HIM first too? Can you give me any examples where you did put him first? Did you put him first when you walked out of the house to go make love to Rich after you eviscerated your husband by telling him he wasn't a good lover? You actually expected him to support you emotionally while you were tearing his whole world apart, along with everything that was important to him, didn't you? I think you wrote that the reason you thought you were entitled to his support while destroying him, was that castrating your husband was emotionally stressful for you. Instead of holding his balls up for your knife, he un-characteristically said some bad word!"

Chastened, Susan said quietly, "I said that I understood that I didn't handle that first night very well, but it wasn't as bad as you're making it sound. I'm..."

"You realized you might have 'expressed your feelings better' two days later, when you were in the afterglow of your lover's ardor. Even then, all you really regretted was that you lost your temper and weren't able to manipulate him into understanding that you were really the victim in the tragedy that you'd created."

Susan bristled, "I'm a strong woman, and I have to make sure I don't let him take advantage of me. If I didn't...

Susan saw Laura's face turn red, and for a second she thought Laura might lose it. Then in one of those deceptively soft voices Laura continued. "Do you think I'm a strong woman? I'd one of the highest percentage of 'wins' of any lawyer in this state. I was elected three times before I retired as a district judge; I've got two great kids and the three greatest grandkids in the history of mankind, with a fourth on the way. What do you think?"

"Sure, I knew you were a strong woman when I saw the pictures of you and those famous people all over your wall."

"Thank you, I've always thought of myself as strong woman, I can't tell you how much it means to me to hear you confirm it. Weak women bring out the..."

Susan frowned, Laura's tone had turned hard again. Then Laura softened and continued. "I've been married to my husband for almost 38 years now. When we were first married he was already a pilot with a major airline but based here in Austin. He was making tons of money and I had just gotten out of law school with tons of student loan debts and other money I owed. I didn't seem to be able to keep track of my expenses. We married and we decided to have our kids before I started my career. Jim put me on a strict budget.

"Then right after then youngest started school and I'd gotten a good job with a firm in Austin, I continued to turn over every penny I made. Not long after that we had a major crisis in our marriage. A drunk hit Jim while he was parked and suddenly he couldn't pass a flight physical. He decided that if he couldn't fly he'd teach math and science to high school kids. Perhaps help them soar someday. So what do you think happened to our budget, now that I was making the big bucks and Jim was pulling in peanuts?"

"You took over, of course, you had the power..."

"No! Nothing changed. I was still a total klutz with my check book. Money just dribbles through my fingers. Jim doesn't like keeping accounts either; he was raised in a household where his mom did all the bookkeeping. But we're a team; where one is weak, the other tries to step up. Jim didn't take care of the money to 'control' me but to allow me have the money to support the causes important to me. That's what partners do.