tagLesbian SexWhere the Heart Is

Where the Heart Is


AN: I don't know about the rest of you but this one had to grow on me a bit. I wasn't super pleased with it when it first went out but over time I've come to appreciate the good that it does and understand the bad that's there as well. It's not a perfect story but it sure is full of heart. Ironic, no?

Now...Happy Reading!




It still amazes me how quick it all happened. After a decade apart we were together again. Before I knew what was happening, I was watching her walk down the aisle toward me like I was the only person she had ever seen in her life -- as if I was the only person she had ever loved. And now? Well now I was just trying to figure out how to broach that next step without coming across as crazy.

I knew that Marley would probably react in the opposite way from what I expected of her -- she always did -- but in this case I was terrified about how opposite she would react. Either she was going to love the idea or hate it -- and seeing how she had never given me any notion that it was what she wanted out of life, I was really leaning toward the latter. Then again, it could be just as bad if she loved the idea. If there was one thing I knew about my wife, it was the level of passion she threw into things that she was excited about. A passion that generally turned into borderline insanity if it wasn't kept in check.

There was nothing special about the day that I finally brought it up. The two of us were sitting in the living room having one of those 'do nothing' days -- laying around in comfy clothes with no agenda to speak. Which meant that Marley was reading a book with her legs tucked underneath her on one end of the couch, while I attempted to concentrate on the catalog in my hands on the other end. I was quite unsuccessful in that endeavor since I kept looking up at Marley every few seconds and opening my mouth to speak, before shutting my trap closed again and glancing down at the pages unseeingly. I was convinced that Marley was so wrapped up in her novel that she hadn't noticed my struggle, but of course I was dead wrong.

Without looking up Marley muttered, "You're drawing flies every time you open your mouth you know. Just say whatever you're thinking already."

There was no stopping the brief chuckle that escaped past my lips at her attentive eye. It was impossible to sneak one past Marley. Someday I would realize that fact, but today was obviously not that day.

"It's nothing really," I replied and set the magazine down on the arm of the couch.

"Must be something or else you would have said it already." Marley said idly and flipped the page in her book before she stretched her legs out so that they rested on my lap.

I picked up one of her feet and rubbed it absently while mulling over the words in my head that I wanted to say out loud. I ran through all of the possible outcomes again and tried to determine which were the most likely to pan out. I was never one to gamble so I didn't put much stock in any of my predictions though.

"I was just wondering," I began very slowly. "Have you ever thought about kids?"

"Mmm, yeah. Once."

Well that wasn't what I expected.

"Once? Like one point in your life or literally just one time."

"Just once," Marley said and put her book down to look at me with a small, almost sad, smile. "It was when Lilah was in the hospital. Bobby and Laura brought Jackson to visit and she was just so good with him. I couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to have kids with her."

"Did you ever tell her that?" I asked and switched to her other foot.

We never talked much about Lilah. I knew that Marley was over the whole situation -- or at least as 'over it' one can be with someone they loved very deeply -- but it was still a sore subject. Lilah was the kind of ground one needed to tread very lightly, just in case.

"No," Marley said quietly. "I never did."

"So you've never considered it since then?"

Marley shrugged. "Not really. I've never seen the point. I suppose I don't feel very maternal so the concept is lost on me."

"Oh." My voice was almost nonexistent as that one word escaped me.

"What's with all of the questions anyways?"

I kept my eyes downcast. "It's not important."

"Talk to me Alex," Marley said in that soft, sweet way that was impossible to deny.

"I guess I've just been thinking about children lately. Maybe my biological clock is ticking or something." I shrugged my statement off in a joking manner, it was easier to deal with the rejection when I played it off that way.

"How so?"

I set Marley with a look that betrayed my nonchalant tone. "I'm pretty sure you know what I'm talking about."

Marley chewed on her lip and searched my eyes. After a long moment she turned her gaze away and completely changed the subject. I didn't even try to hide the sigh that I expelled at the sudden shift in mood around us.

After that I didn't bring up the topic again. The world kept spinning and life continued on like it always did. It wasn't like anything was really going to change between us just because of our difference in opinion after all. I wasn't going to love Marley any less just because she had no desire to be a mother, but it did sting a bit when I thought about it.

I had always wanted a family that I could care for. After the way that I had been raised -- and the way others around me were raised as well -- it had become a desire to have a better run at family life than I was given. I knew that I would be a loving, attentive parent, even if the people that brought me into the world were a couple of deadbeats. It was a shame that I would never have the chance to prove that I could be just that, but it wasn't worth losing the wonderful thing I did have with Marley to do it. If she didn't want children, then that was just fine at the end of the day.

Just as I was getting comfortable with the idea of spending the rest of my years as a team of two, the unexpected happened. Something flipped in Marley and all of a sudden she had a different opinion about the whole situation. In true Marley style, she sprung it on me when I was most likely to be vulnerable and easily confused. Sometimes I wondered if she liked watching the baffled look cross my face before understanding set in.

I had literally just been struck with an earth shaking orgasm and just as I was coming down from that high, Marley sat up and set me with a hard stare.

"I think we should try to get pregnant."

"Excuse me?"

I blinked a few times and ran her words through my brain until they began to make sense. Even when Marley's sentence became cognitive to my dopamine addled brain, I was still confused. I had no idea where the hell this was coming from whatsoever.

"I said that we should try and get pregnant. You know, what you do in order to have children?" Marley said.

"No, I heard you," I clarified. "I'm just trying to figure out where this huge change of heart is coming from."

Marley laid down next time and sighed. "I don't know. I've just been doing a lot of thinking lately about everything you said. It dawned on me that perhaps my opinion about child rearing is a bit selfish."

"Not everyone wants kids," I shrugged. "I understand that."

"No. Not everyone does." Marley turned on her stomach in order to look at me once more. "But you do."

I nodded in agreement. "I do."

"I can't just take that away from you Alex. So...let's do it."

"I thought we just did," I replied with a grin.

Marley rolled her eyes. "You can stop with the defense mechanisms at any time."

I chewed on my lip and mumbled, "I don't want to get my hopes up."

"Look at me," Marley said and put a finger under my chin to force my eyes up. "I want to do this. I don't want you to think I'm just giving in because it's something you want, I really want to do this. For us."

"You're sure?" I asked cautiously.

"About as sure as I was when I agreed to marry you," she quipped with a sly grin.

"Well you still haven't broken out the divorce papers, so I must be doing something right in that region at least."

Marley scrunched up her nose and mussed up my hair. "Look, I'll be honest, I'm as terrified at the concept of being a parent as I was about getting married, but I warmed up to that idea and I'm sure that I will to this too. I just have no idea what it even means to be a parent. Mine weren't very stellar as you damn well know."

"Neither were mine," I scoffed. "But together I know that we can do anything -- and that includes figuring out how to bring life into this fucked up world without messing up too bad."

"You think so?"

"I know so."

Marley nodded slowly. Her brow was still furrowed into a tight line while she considered everything I was saying, but I knew that she would follow through with anything that she had decided despite her fears. The girl was stubborn like that. I just didn't want her to regret any decision she made and in this case it was especially important that she not regret it.

"So, um, how do you think we should go about this whole thing?" I asked after a few more minutes of silent contemplation from Marley.

"I want to carry," she said suddenly.

I did not see that one coming.

"Uh, okay."

"Unless that was something you wanted to do. I just figured...well, no." She screwed up her mouth and her brows went even tighter over her eyes. "I want to do it."

"Why's that?" I asked.

Marley looked up and searched my face. The hard expression she wore broke finally and the smallest smile graced her lips. She reached out to touch my face with the back of her hand and her lips stretched across her features a bit wider.

"Because I hope whatever child we have is like you. Loyal and honest and good."

I felt my chest get tight at her words and fought back the tears that wanted to spring to my eyes. Marley truly was too much sometimes. I think it was impossible for her to realize that she was all of those things as well. She was my favorite person -- flaws and all.

"Okay," I said softly. "Whatever you want love."

In the upcoming weeks Marley and I had many discussions about donors and doctor's visits. The medical stuff was easy enough to deal with, especially since money wasn't really an issue to take care of the procedures and by then we were both a hundred percent on board with this whole idea. In the end it was the donor that turned out to be the real pain in the ass.

I hadn't thought about it until it was shoved in my face that we were looking for a man that would essentially be the father of our child. It was an obvious fact of course -- I did know where babies came from after all -- but it was something that I hadn't ever considered before now. I wanted a child with Marley, but it hadn't quite crossed my mind that we were going to need a little biological help in order to make the dream a reality.

The obvious thing to do was go through the people we knew first, but none of them ever felt right. I loved the men in my life, but I never wanted to put the burden of a child into their lives -- especially since I had no intention of sharing the experience with anyone other than Marley, as selfish as that may have been. The only exception to this thought process was Jesse. The man was my best friend, but he was also a terminal bachelor which made the concept of doing this with him a little easier to bear than anyone else. Marley and I deliberated long and hard over this decision, but in the end it felt just as wrong as all the others.

So the only logical step to take next was to look for an anonymous donor. This was a whole new monster to tackle since there were thousands -- if not millions -- of options to sift through in the means of an anonymous donor. It was absolutely mind boggling how many men were willing to sell away their paternal rights without any care in the world.

For weeks on end Marley and I went through lists of donors that could potentially give us that missing piece we needed in order to create our child. The only problem was that neither of us were capable of agreeing on a damn thing during that whole time. It seemed like there was always something wrong that one of us -- usually Marley -- didn't like about the donor which continuously sent us back to square one. Needless to say, the whole process was extremely fucking exhausting.

"You don't seem to like any of my suggestions. Are you sure you're ready to go through with this?" I asked one day after Marley had turned down yet another prospect that seemed promising to me.

"It just feels more like I'm reading through a really shitty personals section rather than looking for a sperm donor to make my child," Marley muttered. "I honestly don't care if you like walks on the beach or you're six foot whatever, I would rather know that you're a genuine person with a good heart instead. That's what I want you to pass onto my kid."

The way that Marley said 'my kid' sent a flutter through my heart and gave me great hope for this whole thing again. It was like an assurance that she wasn't just blowing this idea off until I gave up. Marley was just being the perfectionist she always was when she committed to an idea. Which meant that she was planning on getting the best she could get for our baby.

"You know what I want?" I asked her.

"Hmmm?" Marley hummed, her eyes trained down to scan the papers in her hand again.

"I want to find someone that looks like you. Red hair, green eyes, breathtaking smile, the works," I grinned at my own words as I imagined the future with Marley and our inevitable little one. "It may sound odd, but I would really feel like it's our child if they looked like you as much as they're bound to look like me. Y'know, since they'll have my DNA."

Marley hummed again, but said nothing more beyond that. She was thinking about it though. Eventually a funny little smile crossed her features as she continued to read through the donor list and I knew she liked the idea I had presented as much as I did.

Later that night we were laying in bed and Marley was still going through the endless list of donors. I had decided earlier that I was going to take a break for awhile and see if Marley would come up with anything instead. On one hand I was simply tired of reading through the damnable list, but on the other I was starting to feel a little rejected since none of my suggestions seemed to appeal to Marley. Perhaps we could agree on one of her ideas a bit more than we did with mine.

"I think I've got something here," Marley spoke through the silence that had settled around us for the last hour or so. "The best of both worlds if you will."

I sat up and rested my back against the headboard. "Okay, hit me with it."

Marley turned to me with a wry grin and smacked my shoulder with the papers in her hand. I narrowed my eyes and uttered a dry, humorless laugh. My wife seemed to find her stupid little joke hilarious however, so I allowed her a moment of giggles before uttering a sigh and making a motion with my hand for her to carry on already.

"Let me find it again...okay, here it is. Listen to this." Marley cleared her throat as if she were about to give some important speech and I couldn't suppress the grin that bubbled up to my face. She seemed so excited all of a sudden. "'Auburn hair, green eyes, medium build. Enjoys painting and rock climbing.' What do you think?"

God, when she read it like that, it really did sound like a shitty personal ad. I did my utmost to not laugh out loud at the mere thought. I didn't want to scare Marley off now that she had found something good finally.

"I like the sound of that actually," I said honestly with a nod.

Marley grinned from ear to ear and glanced at the sheet in her hand once more. "Then it looks like donor number 607113 is the winner."

"Mmm, that has a nice ring to it. Perhaps we should name our baby after him," I suggested.

"I would prefer something a little more conventional," Marley replied with a roll of her eyes.

"Suit yourself," I shrugged. "But I think we're missing a real opportunity to be revolutionary with such a spectacular name as 607113."

"I really hope our child doesn't inherit you're sense of humor," Marley muttered.

I quirked a brow. "Are you saying you don't want our baby to be funny then? That's just cruel Marley."

"Ugh." Marley expelled an irritated breath in that familiar 'you're a pain in the ass' way that I knew so well and looked down at the donor's descriptions again. "There is one thing I'm a little worried about."

"What's that dear?"

"Well it sounds like this guy is adventurous and on top of your genes I'm pretty sure our kid will end up killing themselves doing something dangerous in an attempt to be cool."

I completely ignored what my wife had just said in favor of the fact that was settling into my brain. I'm sure I couldn't grin any wider even if I wanted to. I took the papers from Marley's grip and stared deep into those emerald pools I had fallen in love with so many years ago.

"We're gonna have a baby."

Marley nodded and placed a kiss on the tip of my nose. "We're gonna have a baby."

After we finally had our donor all picked out the next step was to start on the in vitro fertilization process. It wasn't the most fun experience -- for either of us -- but it was well worth it to know that this was going to be our child in the end. That's all that really mattered to me and I would be willing to bet that Marley had similar feelings.

We were starting to feel drained after the second round of IVF refused to take. After a long discussion Marley decided that we would look into different avenues if it didn't work soon. I wasn't too excited about this prospect, but I knew she wasn't having the easiest time with all of the medical procedures that had to happen in order for this to work, so I agreed. Thankfully, after the third round of IVF things finally took and all of a sudden our world flipped upside down.

I had no idea how exciting, exhausting and terrifying that a pregnancy could be all at once -- and I wasn't even the one carrying. It was so hard to wrap my mind around things as they were happening. It felt like as soon as I got used to one thing everything changed. Marley went through ridiculous mood swings and even more ridiculous cravings that had me running out on food runs at three in the morning, but I never complained through any of it. This was my idea at the end of the day after all.

At about four months we found out that we were due to have a little girl and my brain went into a whirlwind of thoughts in the coming weeks. Despite watching my wife swell up and change in a million and one ways, I never really got hit with how real this pregnancy was until the doctor told me that. I was going to have a daughter. It was a crazy trip to even consider that for a second. What was even crazier was realizing that I was going to be a parent.

A month after we found out about our daughter I came home from a long day out to find Marley sitting on the couch waiting for me. She sat up with a little struggle, with one hand pressed to her lower back and the other resting atop her swollen belly. I rushed over to help her but she waved me off with a laugh.

"I've got it Alex, I'm just a little less mobile than I'm used to."

"Okay, okay," I said and kissed her briefly, before coming to sit on the floor in front of her. "How are my girls today?"

"She's been doing back flips in my gut all day," Marley groaned and sent me a sharp look. "That's definitely your daughter in there."

I chuckled and pulled up Marley's shirt to reveal her bare stomach before placing a kiss on it. "Are you the little daredevil that your mama was baby girl?" I cooed.

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byKennaColrite© 16 comments/ 20761 views/ 51 favorites

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