Where to Find Love Ch. 04

I wake up. Next to me, I don't see Ellen this time. Alex is still sleeping, still naked, just like me. Before I had fallen asleep last night, I decided to forgive him. He tried to get back with me despite having a girl he could go to, so he must still love me. Alex is a man. He has his needs. I should just be home more, to make sure I can satisfy him. If it happens again, sure, then I'll leave him. But anyone deserves a second chance. I stand up and walk out of the bedroom, into the living room. I look around and see the empty bottle of red wine. We have drunk more than I seem to remember, but I can still remember the previous night well. I've built up quite the tolerance for alcohol over the years. My eyes fall upon my clothes, scattered on the floor. I gather them but lay them on the couch as I decide to take a shower first. Suddenly, my eyes fall on Alex's phone. A thought enters my mind. I think about doing something which I consider a wrong thing to do. Yet, I find myself reaching for it. A little voice in my head tells me that what I'm about to do is okay. The fact that Alex has cheated on me, the fact that he has betrayed my trust, gives me justification for this. I slide my fingers over the screen after entering his code. He just uses the year when he was born. I can see he has been texting a lot lately with a specific girl. Stephanie seems to be her name. I read some messages that seems to be from the day before yesterday.

Sry about last night. She was home at least an hour earlier.

It's okay. U still have me. ;)

Hmmm. Can we see each other 2nite?

No. Bf is home.

Fine, then I guess my place. If she happens to visit, I'll just act like I'm not home.

Then let's hope 4u I'm not too loud. :p

When I finish reading, tears are rolling down from my face. How could I have been so naïve? What kind of person is that guy? For a moment I don't know what to think or how to act. I feel dirty. My mind is racing. My body is shaking from anger. I try to suppress my emotions and remain calm. I gather my clothes, quickly dress myself and, just before leaving the apartment, I break his phone with the heel of my shoe and leave it on the ground. He'll get the message. Time passes. When I come to my senses, I suddenly realize I am standing in the train station. I have just taken the bus to it. My mind has shut down, and routine has taken over. It is Sunday, but even now the station is quite crowded since it's early in the morning. Together with my senses, my emotions return too and tears start to well up in my eyes again. I turn back. I don't want to cry here. Ellen, I need Ellen.

***

I arrive at Ellen place. I have a key, so there's no need to ring the bell. I wonder if she's home. I kick out my shoes as I cannot be bothered to bend forward and put them away nicely. When I walk into the living room, I see Ellen sitting on the coach with her laptop. I smile faintly at the familiar sight. The comforting sight. She is home. "Hey," I say. Ellen just stares at me for a moment.

"Did he hurt you?" she asks.

"No," I reply. "At least not physically."

"I guess it's over? Or have I the wrong impression?"

"It's over," I say. "It's definitely over." No more words are necessary. Ellen knows I have spent the night, yet realizes that something must have happened. She can probably see I have cried.

"Want a latté?" Ellen asks. I smile as means of confirmation. "Alright, but come here first," she says. I walk over to her and take a seat next to her. Ellen puts her computer on the table and then leans in to hug me. I don't know how long I am embracing her. I hope it's long. The love I feel for this girl right now is something I've never felt before. Not for any of my past boyfriends. And suddenly, I realize I don't need a boyfriend, but I definitely need her. Even more, right now, she is the only thing I need. I don't let go and press her body as hard as I can against mine. "Don't kill me," she says.

"Hm," I say. I cannot say anything else, for I am crying too hard. I push her on her back and lay my head on her chest. "Don't let go of me," I finally manage to say.

"Don't worry," she says. I feel one of her hands moving to my head, caressing my cheek. "I'm here for you, always." I don't know how long I am laying on her, how long we are holding each other. For a moment I turn my head a little and look up at Ellen's face. I see her face, bearing a faint smile. I see an expression, an expression of love. My head moves a bit in her direction. "Do you want that latté?" she asks. I nod.

"I would love that," I say. "Lots of milk please." I remove myself from Ellen's body. And watch her as she walks to the kitchen. When I look at her. Her face, her body, a thought crosses my mind. Perhaps I have just seen an expression I wanted to see. Before I know it, Ellen stands before me with a steaming cup in her hand. "Let's stay home today," I suggest while I take the cup. "Together." Ellen stretches her arm out and gently caresses my cheek with her fingers again.

"Of course," Ellen replies. The both of us smile at each other. She stops touching me and a warmth disappears. Ellen sits herself down again next to me. "Do you remember, when we were 13 years old. The day when some girls thought it would be funny to take my books and throw them around." I laugh a little.

"I do," I say. "I remember slapping one of those girls." Ellen puts a hand on the skin of my leg.

"Yes, you did," Ellen says. "And do you remember what you said after that? What you said to me?"

"Not really," I say. "Sorry."

"You said, 'don't worry, I'm going to stay by your side from now on.'" Ellen places a hand on my cheek and turns my face towards hers. "Never will I forget those words. Never." We look at each other. For the second time now I see, in her face and in her eyes, love. More than love. What do I see, and what do I want to see? For a second, I feel like our lips move towards each other. But then I notice it only happens in my mind. "I feel the same. I am here for you, always," Ellen says. Now it is me that raises a hand and places it on her. I lay my hand on her shoulder, and gently slide it up to her cheek.

"Perhaps we should go thank those girls," I say. A big smile appears on both of our faces and Ellen laughs. I move my hand from her cheek to her back and hug her again. "Thank you," I whisper.

"Do you want to watch some tv?" Ellen asks after we let go of each other.

"Sure," I reply.

***

Hours pass while I and Ellen watch some episodes of a tv-series. "Have you checked any messages today?" Ellen asks after watching the fourth episode.

"Messages?" I ask confused.

"Yes, on the dating site."

"Oh right," I say. "No, I haven't. But I'll do it now. Perhaps it will take my mind of things. It might be fun." I take the laptop.

"Wow, so many messages," Ellen says. "I never got that much."

"Jealous?" I ask with a smile. Ellen pokes one of my boobs with a finger.

"You can compare," Ellen says. I laugh. "Oh, what about him?" Ellen says while pointing at the picture of a nerdy looking guy in a suit. "Look, his name is Julian. He even gave you a compliment in his first message. Not very original, but he's cute. Click on his profile."

"You really think he's cute?" I ask. Ellen doesn't react. I read his profile and see he's an engineer for a small company. "Stiff, boring. He's not my type. Husband material, but not very exciting."

"But why not try it once? Perhaps you might like that type." Ellen says.

"It's not just about type, Ellen, but also about how well we match. He's an engineer. He probably reads dozens of books a year. I can't talk to him about any of them. He might spend most of his evenings working late, just because he loves his work so much. I don't think a guy like him would want me either, he would want a girl like, well, like you, don't you think?"

"I'm not sure about that," Ellen says. "Sure, there should be a strong connection, made possible in part by shared interests. But there needs to be a balance I think. Something that brings excitement."

"Fine," I give in. "I'll send something back. I'll just thank him for the compliment."

"Why not give him one back?" Ellen asks.

"Like? His appearance isn't really something I can honestly compliment a lot." Ellen gives me a small tap on my head.

"Be nice, read his profile, and say something about his personality."

I start typing. Thanks for the compliment. I read you're an engineer, I guess you had to study a lot to get your degree? "How about this?" I ask Ellen.

"That's great," she says.

"You know, I have also been talking to a girl yesterday." I go to her profile. "This one." Ellen looks at the girl attentively.

"And?" she asks.

"Not much. She was nice and friendly. But I don't feel either sexual or romantic attraction towards her. She has black hair like yours, that's really beautiful though."

"She asked, what do you like to do on a Sunday?" Ellen remarks. "You should reply." I turn my head and look at her.

"Are you trying to make me go on a date with every person on this site?"

"Oh, no. But, you know, it doesn't hurt to have some options."

"Fine, I'll give her a reply too," I concede. Ellen and I continue looking at profiles for another 30 minutes or so when the engineer named Julian replies. I read it out loud to Ellen. "Thanks for your reply. I indeed went to university for five years to get my master's degree in civil engineering. What's your study history?" I pause a moment. "Damn, he's asking for my degree," I say. "That'll be underwhelming for someone with 5-year master degree."

"Don't be ashamed. Just be honest," Ellen encourages me. I start typing my reply.

I went to college for 3 years and have a bachelor in Graphic design. Julian replies almost immediately.

That sounds fun. I'm afraid I'm not very familiar with it though. I can imagine a creative someone is needed to study that.

For a part it's creative, I type. But you would be surprised how much psychology is involved.

Would you perhaps want to join me on a date tomorrow night? Julian answers. To a restaurant? We don't live too far away from each other and I would love to know more about you and what you do. I don't want to push you however, if you rather talk online some more, then that's fine by me.

"Oh god, Ellen," I say slightly panicky. "This Julian guy just asked me out."

"That's quick indeed. But he seems nice, and he want to go to a restaurant. That's nice and public," Ellen says.

"So? What?" I say. "Are you implying I should go on a date with this person?" Ellen smiles.

"Your choice," she says. "But I don't see why not. At worst, you'll meet a new person. At best, well..." I ponder over what I should do. After some minutes of consideration, I decide and start typing.

Alright, I quit work at 17:00, so somewhere around 19:00 would be cool.

Awesome, the place is called 'Astrance'. It's not too far from your city. I'll see to it that we have a table. 19:00 is great by the way. I'll see you then.

"Well," I sigh, "that just happened." Ellen laughs. "Now I have about 24 hours to figure out what I can talk about with an engineer." Ellen starts laughing even harder. I take a pillow and hit her in the face. "Oh, shut it."