Where Trouble Lurks

"She wanted me to find out. That's why she told you about it."

"What? You know, I think you're right Dave. I think she knew that I'd spill the beans to you eventually. But...why?"

"Probably because she wants out of our joke of a marriage and didn't know how else to do it."

"No...that's not right Dave. She told me she loves you too much too..."

"Bullshit. Lynn, she's playing you and me for fools. If she loved me so God-damned much she'd never have cheated on me to begin with. No, she knew that if she told you that you'd have to tell me eventually because you care for me and you respect me too."

"Oh Dave, I 'm so sorry to be the one bringing you all this pain."

"It's not you Lynn, it's Dawn that brought it on. I need to go. Can I take a rain check on that dinner with you?"

"No...don't go Dave. Please. I don't want you to be alone right now. That's why I asked you to come here in the first place. I thought I needed a good excuse to get you here and then I found that what I had to tell you was so hard to say that I just couldn't come right out and say it. You can't be alone right now though. I know what it's like to be in your situation and believe me you need someone to be with you."

I could see that Lynn was remembering her ex-boyfriend and the hard time she'd had just a few months ago. We'd helped her as much as we could then, and I know that Dawn had really gone out of her way to talk and be with Lynn too.

"Lynn, thank you for the offer of a shoulder to lean on I may take you up on it later, but for right now I have some things I need to do."

I drove home and on the way I just thought about our years together and wondered where it had gone wrong. I couldn't think of anything directly, so I figured it must have been a combination of things that finally added up to Dawn going where she'd gone. Now I had a mess to clean up and didn't really know where to start.

I knew that she planned to be in Boston for one more week so that meant that I didn't have much time to work with. Once I got home I was busy finding a private eye firm in Boston. I kept remembering 'the bible' in Dawn's office. I had to find that book and see what the hell it was all about. I came up with a plan for that I could do tomorrow. If I pulled that off right, Dawn wouldn't have a clue that I knew or what information I actually had.

I was glad that it was a Thursday instead of a Friday now. I had one business day to take care of some important things before the weekend could ruin them from getting done. It also meant that Dawn wouldn't have any inkling of impending trouble until probably Monday morning.

Friday morning I walked into Dawns office area. It had been a busy morning for me so far, and even though my whole life had gone into a tail spin I perked up once I saw her secretary sitting there. Peg, her secretary was working on the computer.

"Hey Peg. Dawn needs a book from her library. It's a personal one, and she wanted me to pick it up for her."

"Oh. Did she give you the key to her office too?"

That was a joke. You see, Dawn has never locked her office. The bookcase she kept locked but her office was never locked.

"Yeah, along with the one to her heart too."

It killed me to say it, but it went with the joke, and I had to keep it normal as I could. I wasn't going to let Peg know which book I was getting, if I could figure it out myself that is. I wasn't sure what book I wanted, but I figured that once I opened each one, the right one would stand out.

Peg grabbed the key ring and we walked into Dawns office. Opening the book case took only a second and as she pulled the key out of the lock Peg turned to face me. She'd been giving me some glances as we walked up to the case.

"You know, I've never opened this bookcase before. It's strange. Dawn could care less about the office with the thousands of dollars of paintings and knick knacks all over, but she keeps her law books and some other things under lock and key. She's strange in being that way don't you think?"

"Yeah, I've mentioned that fact to her before but she says the building security keeps out the likely suspects."

"I'll be right outside at my desk if you need anything Dave."

I watched Peg walk away. She is another woman that I've had some thoughts about over the years. Married to a pretty great guy, I knew that he was one lucky man to have her. Of course, maybe Peg wasn't as honest as I thought either.

'Maybe all women are dishonest in...no...don't get that way' I told myself. 'It's Dawn that's cheating and that's all. Let it go'.

I started to go through the books on the shelves and finally, after about ten minutes I found the one I was looking for. How did I know it was the right one you might wonder? It was easy. The paper cover was about some kind of Law review and the insides were far different.

Inside the hard cover was a complete guide to 'How to tell if your spouse is cheating on you'. It was a type of self help book. I noted as I flipped through some pages that parts and paragraphs had been highlighted in different colors of 'highlight' pens. Yellow, pink, and blue seemed to be the colors of the day.

"Funny, I've never seen that book before and I'm surprised that Dawn marked the pages. She never marks a book."

Peg had walked up behind me and was looking over my shoulder. Surprised, I just stood there as she took the book from my hands.

"Oh my God...it's about how to catch a cheating spouse. Why on earth would Dawn...Oh no...you haven't been cheating on her have you Dave? That would kill her. She loves you so much..."

"Actually Peg, I just found out last night that it's the other way around. She referred to this book as her 'bible'...so she has been using it to cover her cheating on me."

"NO. NO WAY. Dawn would never cheat on you Dave. She loves you too much, I know it. There must be some mistake."

"Do you know where she is right this second Peg?"

"She has some appointments in Boston with a client."

"The client's name is..."

"I can't tell you that Dave, you know that."

"I can tell you his first name. It's Steve. They've been having this affair for over a year now."

Peg looked shell shocked. I could see her thinking things out in her mind. Her head shook suddenly, as if she were forbidding herself to do something. Suddenly she started to read some of the highlighted sections of the open book.

"Oh my God. She's marked all the typical things that give away a cheating spouse. How they act, things they may do differently, everything. She's used this as a guide to keep anyone from telling that she's been cheating on you. I can't believe this. I can't believe that she'd do something like this. Oh Dave, I'm so sorry."

"I know Peg. Look, I'm not ready to let her know that I know about her and her lover yet. If she calls, please don't mention my having been here today... please?"

I could see tears forming in Peg's eyes as she nodded her head affirmatively to me. She hugged me quickly as I turned to leave.

"Dave, I never knew. If I had I would have said something to you about it, honest. We all go a long ways back and I care for you two a lot. Please don't do anything too rash."

"I know. I don't think anyone knows except those two. I think this book explains why too. She really did use this as a bible of sorts. It told her what she needed to do to keep things from everyone. Item by item, word by word, this book helped her to pull the rug over our eyes. As far as rash goes...we'll see."

"If you need anything Dave, just ask. We'll work something out. I just can't believe this yet. I respected Dawn so much and now..."

"Peg, don't worry. I'll be fine. Eventually I'll probably look back on this time as a learning experience and it won't hurt...as much. You're a good woman and you have a good man. Keep each other close. That's what matters."

I knew that as it stood, our marriage was on very poor ground. I hadn't thought about what to do yet, as I had never been in this situation before. Skipping work this morning wasn't something I did and I knew that eventually everything would come out, especially if Dawn and I ended up divorced. Right now though, I just didn't know what it was I wanted...or needed. I ended up back at work that afternoon, trying to get something constructive done before the weekend came.

Lynn was at work and she came by my office just before quitting time.

"Hey, would you be interested in talking later? I'll make dinner. You can bounce things off of me."

"Thanks Lynn, but I was thinking that I need to be by myself for a while. You know...work some things out in my mind before next Friday."

"What about when she calls between now and then?"

"I'll fake it for now. When I know what my plan is, then we'll see, but for now I'm faking things so she doesn't find out that I know about it yet."

"Dave, I'm in the middle here already. I can't say you owe me visits and talk, but I want to help as much as I can. Hell, Dawn may realize what she's about to lose and try anything to keep you. You'll need me to talk things over and to help you...no matter which way things end up. Please, don't shut me out now."

Again I folded. I wasn't sure why Lynn wanted to be so involved with me in this type of thing, but she was right in that I needed someone to talk to. I could see myself doing some pretty stupid things on my own right now, and in my state of mind I needed someone to call bullshit on me when I headed in the wrong direction. I felt that Lynn, of all the people I knew would call bull on me when she first saw it.

"You're right Lynn. Thank you. I'll be over around...?"

"How about sevenish?"

"Seven-thirty then?"

"I'll have some dinner warm and ready for you Dave."

Later that evening Lynn and I were sitting in her living room talking. We had been trying to figure out why Dawn would have done what she did, and then set things up so I'd find out.

"Has her diary said anything about her thoughts on this Steve guy?"

"Her diary...I'd forgotten all about her diary. Damn. I wonder. I suppose she took it with her though. I mean, if she even still uses it."

"Oh she uses it Dave. She was telling me how that when she goes out of town she uses a little notebook then when she's home she transfers all her thoughts from the absent days into her diary...so you may have more to go on sitting right under your nose."

"I've never read it you know. I'd never invade her space. Well, not until this all came out. I suppose that in some way I have a right to know what she's thought now. I may find that she hates me in reality. Or that she's about the leave me. I guess I should go hunt it up and read the damned thing."

"I'll come with."

Lynn and I drove over in my car. Once at what had been my happy home we looked around for Dawns diary. Lynn found it.

"Here it is. In an old shoe box on the floor of her closet. Go figure. It was covered with some shoes and stuff, looked like they'd been there for a while too."

"Hiding it perhaps?"

"More than likely."

"Can you open it? It has a lock."

"Hey, you're talking to the shop boss now. I'm a machinist, remember? We'll get it open, one way or the other."

I pulled a pair of scissors out of Dawns nightstand and cut the leather strap that held the book closed.

"There. Now it's open."

Lynn gasped. "Oh my God. You cut it!"

"Yeah? So?"

"She'll know you read her personal stuff."

"Yep. Don't think it's going to matter much though, do you? I mean, by the time she knows about this, things will be pretty wild around here anyway."

"Oh yeah. Good point. I guess it really doesn't matter does it?"

"Well, I'll tell you that I feel a little creeped out here Lynn. I mean, I've never invaded her privacy like this. It's not how I usually operate."

"I know that, but these are trying times Dave."

We read the latest entries in Dawns diary and they were eye opening to say the least. At one point I actually had to leave the room and take a walk outside. My anger towards my wife was getting away from me and her thoughts on things written in that damned diary drove me to the edge.

Her first entry on 'Steve' showed that she was upset and guilty about having cheated on me. It was actually one of the longest entries. She had gone on and on about how bad she felt and how much it would hurt me if I found out about Steve. I never read anywhere in there that she planned to tell me about having done it with him though. She just felt guilty, that was all.

The second entry she admitted that Steve had excited her more than she had been able to withstand a second time, and with the alcohol she'd had, it was one thing leads to another and she cheated on me again, that same week. It was also when she mentioned the book about cheating.

This Steve guy, according to Dawn was tall, very dark skinned and handsome. He paid attention to her and complimented her often. I found myself thinking that he must be her perfect dream lover. I had dream lovers, yet I'd never acted on them. I'd had chances over the years too. What had changed so much between us that Dawn would allow this to happen?

The entries went on over the last year and I found that though she struggled with her guilt for being with Steve, the one thing that was obvious was that she still loved me. According to her diary, she loved me enough that she'd die if I left her over this affair with Steve. Well, she was about to find out about that pretty soon. I'd see if she had meant what she'd written there or not.

I read how they'd fucked twice on that first trip. The second trip to Boston had evidently loosened her inhibitions as they fucked almost each night for the whole week she was there. She talked about the kinds of sex they had, and what she'd thought about each time.

Always after each trip, she'd pour out her guilt and feelings of shame on how she was cheating on me and how it would kill me if I knew. She wrote that the book was helping her to keep her life, for all appearances, normal as she could.

Lynn had started crying as she read the diary and when I left the room for a long walk she kept reading. When I got back upstairs, I found her deep in Dawns closet, digging around.

"What the heck are you doing Lynn?"

"Dawn's diary...diaries...she has one for each year. They end just after she started this one last year...she has more around here...maybe this isn't the first time..."

"I think it is the first time, but you're right, we should check and see for certain. She keeps her old diaries in a box in the library. Lets go I'll show you them."

It ended up being a long night. We went through Dawns diaries, and discovered that Steve was the first and only since we'd been married. There had been a one night indiscretion just before we got married at her bachelorette party, and that hadn't led to anything but her giving a guy a blowjob. Other than that, there was nothing else. One other thing I noted was that the only diary to have a lock on it was the one I had cut open.

I found that over the years she'd written down things about us and how much she loved me too. I read with care about the times we spent in counseling and as eye opening as those entries were, they still didn't really help me all that much. I kept going back to her latest journal.

What we both knew after reading through her diaries was that Dawn loved me, but she had somehow gotten caught up with this Steve guy and couldn't stop herself from cheating. It cut me deeply, all the way to the bone. One thing in her favor was that she'd mentioned that this two week trip would be her last, and she hoped, would cause the end of the affair. She wrote that she planned to break it off this trip at any rate.

Dawn had actually written that she was going to tell Lynn about it all in the hopes that it would cause her to find the strength to break it off with her lover and come back to me. She somehow felt that if Lynn or someone was to know about it, Dawn would gather strength to quit. She was taking a huge chance that Lynn would still be her friend or worse that Lynn wouldn't tell me. She had honestly seen that didn't work, so now she was going to stop it on this trip.

It was two in the morning when we finally quit reading her diaries. I asked Lynn to spend the night, and she accepted. She stayed in Sarah's old bedroom while I went to bed in the guest bedroom.

My whole life suddenly felt wrong. My king sized bed sat there in our master bedroom, teasing me it seemed at how fragile my life really was. How things I had thought were 'count on them absolutes' were not. I found I couldn't stand to see Dawns things in our bedroom so I had to sleep in a strange room. I needed something that didn't have her things in it that would cause me to think about her and amplify my fears.

I slept roughly and found that I didn't feel rested at all the next morning. I woke up around ten and just laid in bed thinking. My thoughts weren't ordered as they usually were. In fact my thoughts couldn't stay focused on one single thing for any length of time at all.

The knock on the door gave me some focus.

"Hey sleepy head...you want some breakfast? I'm making some eggs and bacon and toast."

Lynn's voice was muffled behind the door.

"Hey Lynn. Yeah. I'll be down in a minute or two. I want to shower up first."

"Okay. Dave, you okay today?''

I could hear the concern in her voice. Lynn was a sweetie that was for sure. I'm not real sure how'd things would have gone so far without her there to help me as she had. I owed her a lot for everything she'd done so far.

"About as okay as I can be considering Lynn."

"Yeah. I figured that. See you in a few then."

After my shower I threw on some cut-offs and with a tank top draped over my shoulder and a towel in hand to dry my hair, I headed off to the kitchen. As I walked in Lynn glanced at me, then took a longer and deeper second look.

"What?"

"I never realized that..."

She stopped talking and just stared at me as I stood in front of the refrigerator. I was suddenly uncomfortable and looked down at myself.

"Realized what Lynn? What's wrong? Do I have something showing or hanging off of me that I should know about?"

"Oh... no."

She was blushing a brilliant red. I wondered what was up. Things were suddenly different yet again. I wasn't sure what was going on but I knew that my having shown up dressed like I was had more than a little to do with it.

I suddenly realized that Lynn had never seen me in cut-offs only before. I was thinking that there was something about me that was bugging her.

"Uh, maybe I should go back upstairs and throw on more clothes or something. I may be a tad bit underdressed here."

"Oh no. You're fine. I just haven't ever seen you in anything but baggy work shirts and jeans before. I didn't know that you had such a...I mean, I never knew that your body was...Oh my God...I'm sorry Dave."

She turned and ran from the room. I was sitting there trying to decipher what the hell had just gone on in my kitchen. The eggs were still frying in the pan so I got up and watched them cook. The bacon was done and the toast popped up just as Lynn came back into the kitchen.

"I'm sorry Dave. It's just I never thought of you in a way that I did this morning and it all kind of hit me at once. You are well built, especially for a man your age. You take care of yourself, and I didn't expect that I guess."

Now I was the one blushing. Getting a compliment from a young and beautiful woman like Lynn was more than enough to give me pause. Was there something starting here that I'd need to put a stop to or was Lynn just being a buddy? I couldn't tell yet and I sure didn't need any more issues in my life at the moment.

"Thank you. I work out, and the shop helps to keep me in shape too. I've always tried to stay in shape as much as possible. Don't want to end up like other men my dad's age. Fat and out of shape is no way to be, and it's also unhealthy for people too."