Who Is Ch. 02

I did not feel anything, like people said I should. I sat back in my chair and felt important knowing that I just defied the world by having my first beer.

"How is it?" Stacey asked with a grin.

I was more impressed with myself than with the beer so I told her honestly, "It's okay, but it's nothing..." Just then my belly began to warm and I felt something happening. It felt like my nerves were on fire and the feeling spread quickly from inside my stomach to my chest, legs, arms, and eventually fingers and toes. I took a deep breath and open my eyes wide. Spencer and stacey just watch with evil grins, knowing what was happening to me. They both touched their glasses together and had a drink of the sweet nectar called beer.

Stacey and I were inseparable for the next six weeks. I've never had a friend like her. I am not sure what it was but we just clicked. We did everything together: Watching movies, talking about everything, clubbing and even going to class. I was still hurting from what Gram did to me but it stopped feeling like the end of the world since Stacey entered my life. Instead of being focused on Gram, I was able to enjoy the little things in life once again. Spencer joined us every once in a while, bringing ice cream and other treats to help ease the pain.

Stacey offered to be my wing man, every day, coming up with a clever new way to present her argument for why I should go out and get some "strange" from some guy. "How will you know what it's like until you try it?", "There's no better way to relieve stress" and, my personal favorite, "Come on... it's gonna be fun!" I could not argue with any of these points but I still managed to say no every time. That is until I saw him on campus.

From what I heard from my parents and other people back home, Gram canceled his plans to attend Stanford this year so that he didn't have to see me. After a coffee and a bite to eat in the union building, Stacey ran off to her next class and I stuck around to study and then, like a dream that I had no control over, Gram and Mattie strolled through the cafeteria holding hands.

My body started to shake and my world was officially rocked. I quickly put my head down and tried my best not to make any movements that would attract their attention. I just watched as they walked to a nearby table and sat down with some friends. After what seemed like days, I finally collected my things and managed to walk out without them seeing me. Once I was outside, I ran as hard as I could until I collapsed on the lawn in the quad. There were hundreds of students on their way to and from class but it did not stop me from buckling over in agony and sobbing. The pain that I thought I had left behind was back and it seemed it seemed to be worse than before.

I held back my emotions just enough to stand up and move locations but once I opened my eyes it became too much again. I cried until my stomach hurt.

But what happened next is something that I never would have expected. The crying stopped. My mind cleared and a thought formed in my head – So what? Suddenly I remember all the advice that Stacey gave me over the last several weeks and I realized that she was correct. What did it matter that I was cheated on – twice? What did it matter that my family was constantly looking for a reason to disown me? And what would it matter if I had sex before I was married? The answer? It would not matter one little bit. The oceans would not drain, the mountains would not crumble and life, as we know it, would not end.

I pushed myself up off the grass, wiped my nose on my sleeve and began to walk confidently to the library. I enjoyed this feeling. It felt good to not worry about what people thought or to regret and blame myself for what happened with Gram or Scott or even my parents. I finally realized that it was gram at fault and not myself. It was Scott who chose to sleep with our teacher and it was my parents who chose to disown me before I had even done anything wrong. They are just been looking for a reason to kick me out – the reason, I do not know.

Because of what happened, I skipped my next class to meet Stacey after hers. We walked to the coffee shop where I told her everything. She tried to jump in and give me advice on what to do and what to feel but I beat her to it. She just sat back and smiled as she watched me figure this out on my own. But it would not be without her help.

When my rant was over, Stacey gave me a smirk and shook her head, impressed.

I was confused at why she was shaking her head so I asked, "What?"

"You are not the fragile little thing I met six weeks ago."

I blushed and turned my head, "Oh, you're just teasing me".

"What? No!" She gasped. "I meant that as a good thing. You're an amazing girl and everyone who doesn't see that can just go fuck themselves."

I blushed once again, this time because I didn't know how to take a compliment. I still felt good though, about my new take on life, so I just blurted out what she had been waiting for, "I want to fuck someone!"

Stacey gasped and her jaw dropped, as did everyone else who just heard me. "Really?"

"Yeah," I replied. "What am I waiting for?" I thought to myself for a moment before continuing, "The only thing holding me back is what my family will think but I do not really care about that anymore. For the last month, I have finally been truly happy and that is only because you got me to stop thinking about Gram and my family. And that tells me that I cannot truly be happy with my past hanging on my back. I am sick and tired of feeling guilty for things that were not my fault or, when it comes to my family, something that I have not even done yet."

Before I finished speaking, Stacey was already on her phone. I leaned over the table to get a better look and asked, "What are you doing?"

Stacey smirked, as she did so well, and said, "Texting a few guys. We're gonna get you laid."

I leaned back in my chair and blushed. What have I done?