Who Killed Cornelius the Cock?

Who Killed Cornelius? A cereal murder mystery to jumpstart your day.

Author's Note: I hope that if you figure out the killer early in the story, you'll stick around to see how the team solves the mystery. It's not an episode of Criminal Minds, but I hope you'll find it to be a fun trip down nostalgia lane. It's a Halloween Contest 2015 entry. Vote, if you like.

*

October, 2014

Marky Maypo woke up and looked at his alarm clock, wondering why the hell it said 7:36. I should have been awake an hour ago, he thought as he scratched his balls and farted loudly enough to wake up the missus.

"Marky!" she said, fanning the blanket to allow the stink to disperse. "What time is it?"

"Seven thirty-six. I'm gonna be late for work."

"Why is it so dark out?" she asked. "Did we change the clocks last night?"

"No. That was last week," he said. "I know we got drunk at Tony's Halloween party last night, but ..."

Mrs. Maypo turned on the Today Show and gasped when she saw the headline. Where is Sunny? Natalie Morales appeared at the news desk to break the news to America. "As you are probably already aware, the world is in darkness as Sunny has failed to rise on time. This is the first morning since the dawn of time in which Sunny has failed to complete the important task of lighting the world, leading officials to wonder why. We'll keep you updated as this story evolves."

Meanwhile, in the Quaker home and homes around America, everyone was confused and afraid. "The power isn't out," Mrs. Quaker said. "The TV works."

"I can see that, dear," said Mr. Quaker with a sigh. "I'm not dumb, no matter what your mother thinks." He kissed his wife on the cheek, put his black hat on his head, and went out the front door.

Lucky the Leprechaun was especially concerned. He knew that without Sunny, he wouldn't have a rainbow to lead him to his Lucky Charms, leaving them exposed to potential thieves everywhere. He was only one leprechaun, and without his rainbow, someone would make off with his magical deliciousness. They were always after 'em.

He got his cell phone and called Cap'n Crunch, the chief of police. Unfortunately, the cap'n was in the dark as well without Sunny, and he had no suggestions for Lucky. "But what about me marshmallow surprises?" Lucky asked in desperation, but the cap'n had already hung up.

It was Tony that got Sunny's attention when he finally rolled his striped, hung-over ass out of bed at 9:30. He tripped going down the stairs in the dark and roared a sarcastic "Gr-r-reat!" when he landed on the shoes at the bottom of the stairs. His sudden outburst woke Sunny up with a start, and all at once, everyone could see again.

Sunny yawned and stretched and reached for his two scoops to put in his briefcase, but jumped a mile when he saw the clock. "Motherfucker! How the fuck did it get so late?" He hightailed it to his post in the sky, ending the lack-of-daylight crisis for the eastern half of the U.S.

By then, Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble were wide-awake too, having passed out in the middle of Tony the Tiger's living room at the Halloween party the night before. Barney was just introducing himself to the guy in the wooly mammoth costume when Fred said from under the mask, "Bar-ney! You're a friggin' moron. It's me, Fred."

"Oh, hi, Fred. I guess I got confused. I'm usually the one that disguises myself to get your Fruity Pebbles," Barney said, looking around with a nervous giggle to see where they were.

Tony, who had already taken off his sheep costume to send to the dry cleaner, was growling and shaking his head while Fred and Barney talked. "Why the hell is Sunny so damn late? I didn't see him drink a drop last night!" Tony snarled through his huge tiger teeth.

"Yeah, Tony," Barney said. "He said he doesn't drink wine because he has to save the grapes to turn them into raisins. He's gotta fill those two scoops, you know."

Fred chimed in too. "Yeah, well, I saw him near the keg, chatting up Wilma last night. Maybe he drank beer."

"No way," Tony said. "Beer gives Sunny gas. He won't touch the stuff. Something is definitely wrong. And speaking of wrong, your babysitter left a message on my machine. Your wives didn't make it home last night either."

"That was one heck of a Halloween party you threw last night, Tony. C'mon, Fred. We better go find the girls," Barney said, shaking his head.

"I just hope it's not like Sugar Bear's New Year's party last year. I found Wilma asleep between Betty's legs with a dick-shaped bronto-bone sticking outta her cunt." His voice sounded cranky, but the corners of his mouth turned up, revealing his true feelings about his wife's Sapphic adventure.

"That was hot though," Barney said as they left. "Should we have Fruity or Cocoa Pebbles this morning?"

* * * *

Cap'n Crunch had finally located his partner, Detective Toucan Sam, and they set out to question Sunny about his tardiness.

"Am I under arrest?" Sunny shouted from his ten A.M. position.

"No. Nothing like that," the cap'n said. "We just need to get the facts so it doesn't happen again. Start with Tony's party last night. What time did you leave?"

"I didn't," Sunny said. "I fell asleep there with the drunks. I wasn't drinking, though. That cheap bastard only bought beer and wine. Like it woulda killed Tony to buy a fuckin' bottle of Jack."

Toucan Sam rolled his eyes and prompted Sunny. "The party, Sunny. Tell me about the party."

"Yeah, right. I was banging the Smurfberry Crunch chick until about two. Then she went home. What the fuck's her name? Smurfelle? Smurfine?" Sunny said.

"Smurfette," the cap'n and Sam said together, disgusted with Sunny's crass nature.

Sunny went on. "Right. Fucked her till my cock was blue. I fell asleep right there. Didn't even take a shower. You know, so I could enjoy the delicious aroma of pussy all day today." He smiled and licked his lips.

Sam rolled his eyes. "So then what? Did your alarm clock break?"

"I don't have to set an alarm. Cornelius always wakes m—"

"Aha!" shouted the cap'n. "Where in the world is Cornelius? I haven't heard him once this morning!" He stepped away to call the Officer Crumb, the Cookie Crisp Cookie Cop, on the radio to start the search for Cornelius the Corn Flakes Cock. The entire village counted on Cornelius to wake them up. It was odd that he was so quiet.

Sunny promised to search for Cornelius from above, while Cap'n Crunch and Toucan Sam left to collect volunteers for the ground search.

Officer Crumb was the first one on the scene at the hen house. Aside from the extra feathers and two tiny drops of blood on the floor, the only obvious sign of trouble was Cornelius's absence. The hens clucked nervously at the strange man that smelled so much like cookies. After a couple of hens pecked at his shoes, he went outside to call the cap'n.

* * * *

Three days passed before Cornelius's body was found, dumped in a wooded area, not far from the end of Lucky's rainbow. It was the Trix Rabbit that found what was left of the poor cock. There was nothing left of him but skin, bones, and feathers. As Trixie's search partner, Sonny the Cuckoo, flew back into town to find Cap'n Crunch to report the discovery, he thought to himself, I wonder just how Trixie knew where to look. It's almost as if he—

And then Sonny spotted them. Two people, a man and a woman, fucking on the picnic table in their back yard. She was bent over the table, large tits pressed up to reveal her exquisite, chocolate, no cocoa-colored nipples. They stuck out like brown marbles. No. Not marbles. "Cocoa Puffs!" Sonny shouted. "I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!"

He completely lost it, circling and diving out of the sky toward the rutting couple as the man thrust his huge dick in and out of the woman. Sonny kept his eyes on the Cocoa Puffs on her tits as he went full-on cuckoo.

Sonny didn't make it to the police station to report the discovery of the cock's carcass.

In the meantime, Detective Toucan Sam had followed his nose to the Trix that the rabbit had stashed under his hat. "That was fast," Trix said.

"Orange, lemon, cherry ... I smelled them. And other natural flavors too. I just followed my snoot," Sam said.

"What the hell are you talking about?" the rabbit asked.

"My nose, you idiot. It always knows." Sam shook his head, already exasperated with this imbecile. Sam had been chasing Trixie for years. Every time he turned around, somebody was filing a reporting him for stalking kids and their cereal. Sam pulled off the rabbit's hat causing a cascade of fruit-flavored balls of corn. "Jesus Christ. Goddam rabbit. Trix are for kids. Put your hands behind your back."

"You're arresting me?" Trix asked in disbelief.

"I most certainly am," Sam replied. "I've been waiting years to catch you in the act. Your neighbor called to report that they were missing an entire box of cereal—"

"Wait. Didn't Sonny—" Trixie turned to look at Sam, pulling his hands from the cuffs before Sam could lock them around his wrists.

Sam pulled Trixie's hands even harder this time. "This has nothing to do with Sunny. He's in the sky, where he belongs."

"No," the rabbit said. "Not Sunny the Raisin Bran Sun. Sonny the Cuckoo. He left a few minutes ago to get you and the cap'n. We found Cornelius. What's left of him anyway. Just down this path."

Still in cuffs, Trix led Sam to the body. Even the orange, lemon, and cherry scents couldn't cover the smell of death that permeated the air. "Mother of God," Sam whispered. "I better call the Crime Scene Unit."

* * * *

Within the hour, every law enforcement officer in the county was in the village. Snap, the chief medical examiner, pronounced Cornelius dead right away. "He's been dead for at least a couple of days, folks. I'll know more when we get him on the table, but I'd say exsanguination. It looks like he was completely drained."

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph," Toucan Sam said. "Who would do something like this?"

When Crackle and Pop lifted the body to place it in the body bag, Cornelius's feathers ruffled a little bit. Crackle noted marks on the rooster's neck that Snap had missed. "Snap, what do you make of this?" He pointed his flashlight directly on the wound.

"Looks like he was fighting with some barbed wire," Pop said. "Maybe he was doing the nasty with one of the hens, and he didn't see the fence sneaking up on him. Or maybe it was a vampire! That'd be even sweeter!"

"Shut the fuck up, asshole," Crackle said. "Don't be fucking stupid. Somebody would'a seen that much blood near the hen house. They've been searching out there for the last three days!"

Snap leaned in for a closer look. "Hmm ... I don't know what to make of that. Let's get him to the morgue. He's been out here long enough."

"Yeah," said Pop. "I've never smelled such a stinky chicken."

As the medical examiner's van drove away, Jolly Green Giant got out of his car, his brass sheriff's badge standing out against his green foliage. "Ho, ho, ho. What have we here?"

Toucan Sam filled him in on the details of the investigation while the Cookie Cop put the pervy rabbit in a squad car. The weight of the situation was settling on him as he realized that this was about more than a few rainbow colored corn puffs. "You don't think I killed Cornelius, do you?" he asked in a panic.

"You found the body, so right now, you're our only lead. Get in the car. We're just taking you in for question," Officer Crumb said.

"What if I don't want to?" The rabbit was near tears.

"You, my friend, have no choice. If you resist, I'll arrest you for stalking kids instead of swiping some stupid cereal. Your choice."

Trix got in the car, hoping he wasn't being framed for cock murder.

* * * *

Sheriff Jolly Green Giant sat across the desk from Cap'n Crunch, discussing what had been uncovered so far. He crossed his legs, knocking two of the framed photos off the cap'n's desk. "Ho, ho, ho. I'm sorry. My legs are just so super-long."

"I noticed," Cap'n said wryly. "It's been almost a week. Are we any closer to catching this guy?" The sound of a loud crunch filled the room as the cap'n received a text. He looked at his phone, and his jaw dropped open.

"What is it?" asked the sheriff.

"It's Alphabit Wizard, lead reporter at the Post. He says, Heard about Cornelius. Tell me. Did he have marks on his neck?"

"Ho, ho, how did he know that?" Jolly Green asked.

Cap'n Crunch replied to the text immediately. "Off the record? How did you know that?"

Sheriff Giant pulled out his own phone and called Michelin Man, his first deputy. He charged him with finding out who was leaking the details of their investigation before Alphabit Wizard even got back to Cap'n Crunch. He hung up when he heard the crunch alert.

Cap'n read from the illuminated screen. "Tip from California Raisins. Cock isn't the first. Similar case upstate last year. And two years ago in Springfield."

"Jeez Louise," Jolly Green said. "Those gosh darn raisins always know what's going on. Where on God's green Earth do they get their information?"

"The grapevine is a powerful tool. They always get the scoops before anyone else," the cap'n said, shaking his head. "Maybe Sunny tells them. Who knows? But this has happened before?" The implication stunned the cap'n. In all his years as a naval officer and then as a law enforcement officer, he'd never dealt with a serial case. He called Detective Toucan Sam and Officer Cookie Crumb on the radio, and then sat down and put his head in his hands. "You know what this means?" he said to Jolly Green.

"Yeah," he said. "I'll call the FBI."

* * * *

Across town, Honeycomb Kid (who hadn't been a kid since the 1950s) was doing his best to sweet-talk Mrs. Butterworth into giving him a blowjob. They'd spent the day working in her garden, and he was feeling randy. "C'mon, baby. Mr. Butterworth has been dead for ten years. When ya gonna get over him?"

"Oh, dear. He was so thick and rich, I don't think I'll ever get over him," she replied. "You're sweet too, honey, but we just have to take our own, sweet time before—"

Honeycomb pushed her to her knees, cutting her off. "Oh, dear," she said with a gentle laugh. "I didn't even know I had knees." When she saw Honeycomb's giant cock sticking in her face, her eyes grew wide. "Honeycomb's big. Yeah, yeah, yeah." Her smile widened as she licked her lips. "He's not small. No, no, no."

"Still miss Mr. Thick and Rich, baby?" Honeycomb asked as he slid his cock into her mouth.

She shook her head, her tongue rubbing the underside of his dick when she moved. "No, no, no."

"Jesus, Butterworth. For a girl that didn't know she had knees, you certainly know what to do when you're on them!" Honeycomb put his hands on the back of her head and moaned as he pumped his hips into her face. "Oh, baby. I haven't had a blowjob since the eighties. You like that cock, baby?" Just as she started to nod, she grabbed his balls with her hard, glass hand. "Oh my god, sweetie. You're making me come. Holy fucking god. Get ready for it."

She started to pull back, but he pulled her head all the way to his groin, his gray pubic hairs tickling her glass nose. He moaned incoherently as he sent spurt after spurt of his own syrup down her throat, not stopping until she licked the last drop from his slit.

"Did you swallow, baby?" he asked as he helped her up from her knees.

"Every drop," she said with a grandmotherly giggle. "It was just as thick and rich as Mr. Butterworth's."

Honeycomb's hands went to her shoulders and he pushed her dress down her arms and to her waist. His hands cupped her large tits, and he brought both of her buttery nipples to his lips. A movement on the road caught Mrs. B's attention.

"What on earth?" she said, pulling free of Honeycomb and going to the window without covering up. "Who are they?"

"Looks like the FBI," he said.

"Oh, dear," she said in her most grandmotherly tone. "Shit just got real."

* * * *

The Behavior Analysis Team leader, Special Agent Geico Gecko, introduced the rest of his team. "This is Special Agent Mister Peanut and Special Agent Mister Clean. Special Agents Aunt Jemima and Chester Cheetah are on their way to the morgue to speak with your medical examiner."

Cap'n Crunch led the team to the small conference room where Detective Toucan Sam and Sheriff Jolly Green Giant were waiting for them. Special Agent Clean looked up at the wall where the evidence was displayed. "You don't have much to go on here.

"We don't get many murders around here," the cap'n said. "The only crime we get in our village is theft. We actually have quite a bit of that these days."

As if on cue, the intercom buzzed. "Lucky Leprechaun is here to see you Cap'n. Somebody's taken his Lucky Charms. Again."

Cap'n Crunch rolled his eyes. "See what I mean?" He pressed the intercom button. "I'll be right out, Sugar Bear. Have him wait. Ask him if he wants some milk."

"Trix Rabbit is our prime suspect," Sheriff Green Giant explained to the agents. "He found the body."

"Yes, and I found him at the scene of the crime when I was looking for the fruit puffs he stole from the neighbor's children," Detective Toucan Sam explained. "He's a thief. What's to stop him from committing murder?"

Special Agent Geico Gecko frowned. "I don't see it that way. That seems to be more than a fifteen-percent-in-fifteen-minutes escalation, from stealing breakfast items from children to murder. Unless there's something we aren't seeing, I don't think it makes sense to consider him a suspect."

Special Agent Clean was nodding. "I agree that it's possible that the murderer is a resident of your town, but I don't think the rabbit is it. And we have to consider the other two murders. That rabbit seems pretty hung up on cereal. I don't think he's organized enough to plan all of this." He shrugged.

"Who is this guy here? He looks pretty hungry," Agent Peanut said, pointing to Tony the Tiger.

"That's Tony. He had the Halloween party at his house the night the cock was killed. He can be a little rough when he's drinking, but somebody had eyes on him all night at the party," Sam said.

"We questioned him," said the cap'n, "but there's nothing that makes us think he had a reason to kill Cornelius. The whole town depends on him to crow and wake us up. I just can't see how somebody from our own town could do this."

"What about the marks on his neck?" Special Agent Peanut asked, peering at the photos through his monocle. "What did your ME make of that?"

The sheriff spoke up. "The best they came up with was barbed wire, but we haven't even found the actual crime scene. There was no blood where the body was dumped. Or anywhere else in the village, for that matter."

Gecko shook his head. "We're going to have to get a search team together to find the crime scene. We've got nothing to go on here. The killer isn't on this wall. Clean, Peanut, let's head over to the victim's hen house. There's always the chance this was about a jealous lover." The agents left the office looking stern.

Cap'n Crunch sighed. "I guess I better go take Lucky's statement."

* * * *

The agents discovered more questions than answers at the morgue.

Pop pulled out the drawer that held the cock's body and Special Agent Cheetah said, "Holy crap. That shit is twisted."

"Chester! Your language," Jemima hissed. "Act like a professional."

"Sorry, gentlemen," Cheetah said to Snap, Crackle, and Pop. "Just like the other two. There's nothing left to him."

Jemima looked over the pile of skin, feathers, and bones and nodded in agreement. "What did you find during the autopsy?"

Snap explained what everyone already knew. The cock had been completely drained of blood with not one drop landing on his feathers.