Why? Ch. 01

I raged with hot and cold fury. I couldn't walk anymore as my legs began to shake. I fell to my knees and slammed my fists repeatedly into the soft sandy loam. I screamed and yelled curses at all of God's creations. I profaned Melissa with every obscenity that came to mind. I think I even made up a few.

Once more, time eluded me and by the time my rage was spent, I had only the anguish of betrayal, the pain of rejection, and the feeling of a unrelenting helplessness to enfold me in their prickly embraces. The night had fallen, it had become like a veil to hide the ugliness of everything. In its arms of obscurity, I somehow felt safe. Not comforted, but secured from the rest of the world. I was alone. Something I had no real experience with, but that seemed to fit me like a well worn glove.

I wept. I cried like never before. Even when one of my sisters died in a senseless tragedy a few years ago, I didn't weep with the abandon that wracked my body and soul that night at the lake. I had Melissa to lean on, to comfort me, to hold me as I grieved for my sister's death. Now, I had no one to do those things, as I grieved for what was still living, but that I had lost and would never be returned.

We think about how we feel, but rarely do we express it with the candor and honesty it deserves. Whether it's about ourselves or about others, we hide from the emotions that fill us. Instead we temper their effect through the use of our logical minds, and the seeming necessity of the prosaic events that fill our lives. Yes, I felt love for Melissa. I loved her with my entire being. That love was so aptly expressed in the creation and birth of our children. I loved being with her. I loved touching her. I loved how she smelled. I loved the simple action of just looking at her. When we married, I knew she would be my only love until death do us part.

I told her so. Not everyday, sometimes not even on a regular basis, but I also told her when she least expected it. Perhaps when she was washing dishes, or doing the laundry, or even when she was taking care of our kids. See, I appreciated the little things my wife did for me, for the family and for us. I never let her forget. I not only told her, I shown her too. In bed, and with little surprises every now and then, and things she wanted, like the vacation spots she chose. It wasn't important where we went. I never cared about that as other husbands might have. As long as I was with her, no matter where we were, I was very happy. I was whole.

Melissa and I had our disagreements. We had arguments. Every married couple who loves and cares for one another is going to. Yet, none of those arguments were of anymore consequence in the long term than an individual season is of a year. It was part of the whole. It is to be either accepted or discarded, but never ignored. Some of you might not make the distinction between arguing and fighting. I assure you, if you are fighting with your spouse, then you don't have love. That's another thing, sometimes we confuse the thing that keep couples together as love when it's no more than habit and familiarity. We fear the changes in a relationship and the realization that we may never have been loved or to haved loved in return.

With that said, I was blind sided. I never knew or suspected Melissa's infidelity. If there were changes in her behavior I missed them entirely. I could blame my work and make excuses that I worked long hours and was away from home too often. Part of that would be true. However, I can't blame my work for any of that. Responsibility ultimately falls to me. Was I partly to blame for her infidelity and her subsequent action of leaving me? As painful as it is to admit, I am. I'm not sure I could have changed her mind or stopped her from falling in love with someone else. But, goddammit, I should have had that chance to try! And, that was my failure. I should have known something was going on.

The sun was just beginning to rise, when my thoughts fled, leaving a empty crackling listlessness in my head. My body thrummed like a tuning fork and my joints ached horribly, and I felt washed out. I wasn't lacking emotion, my feelings had only subsided for the moment. I knew I would have a difficult time of it in the days, weeks and months to come, but the crying was over.

Just like my days as a paratrooper; I never liked the idea of jumping out of a plane --although some guys lived for it-- and the scary part was nonchalantly walking off the back end of a plane into seeming nothingness. It takes more faith to do that then you would ordinarily have in God. But, as soon as the chute automatically deployed --via the static line-- the canopy would bellow out above my head with the abrupt shock of the chute grabbing air, and felt by every part of my body; I'd fall relatively slowly, until the ground rushed up to kiss my feet. Or if it was a bad landing, it'd kiss my ass. Either way, once all that was over, and I was on the ground, everything started to make sense again and I went about my business.

Well, I was on the ground and I was ready to go about my business.

I had cut my hands and they'd bled, and each was swollen to the point it hurt to move my fingers, but I was a man on a mission. I'd apply first aid when I got to the house.

As I followed the road I began sorting things in my mind, prioritizing what needed to be done.

While I was still waiting to land I'd not thought of or done any of those things that I'd read and heard about that a spouse is supposed to do when the other spouse is cheating. Like secure the finances and seek legal advice.

I wasn't that much better than I was before the time at the lake, however, I was able to think more clearly. Plus, I now knew I'd survive.

Being a Saturday, I couldn't contact an attorney, but I used my laptop to check on all our bank accounts. To my surprise nothing had been touched. There was nothing pending. In fact, the last transaction indicated was when I stopped to gas up the car earlier this week.

Melissa hadn't even tried making a financial query. I wasn't sure what was going on, but this was unlike anything I'd heard or read about in those cheating wives stories, or even in real-life tales.

I was confused by all of this, even as it planted a small seed of hope.

If she hadn't touched the money, maybe this was some sort of joke, or a one time fling, and she would eventually return to me. I quickly squashed that insipid hope, as I recalled her look the day she left. She wasn't coming back. I was left with a mystery. Or maybe, she trusted me well enough to know I wouldn't screw her over, and was merely waiting for an attorney to contact her to settle things, before going to court. The idea of divorce was still painfully raw, but I had no choice but to accept it.

I remembered the pile of things she'd left on the dresser, including a manila envelope. I wasn't too keen on going into the master bedroom. Tuesday evening I'd moved most of my things from what was once our bedroom into the guest bedroom. And that had been the last time I'd been in the there. I planned on giving away the bedroom furniture, but I wasn't up to doing that much work just yet.

Feeling like an intruder in my own bedroom, I grabbed the envelope and her mobile phone, and left quicker than I went in.

After settling in with a beer, I stared at the envelope laying on the kitchen table. Although I was curious about it, I wasn't quite ready to delve into it. Instead, I picked up her mobile phone and checked the numbers. Well, I shouldn't have been surprised. There was nothing showing on the screen except my own number when I'd called it Monday night. There was nothing else on it. Melissa had deleted everything. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry --figuratively speaking.

When Melissa had gotten her cell phone, she insisted on her own account. A family plan would have been a bit less expensive, but she dug her heels in and wouldn't budge. I finally caved and the bill on her mobile phone charges went directly to her. I'd already looked around the house for any mail, including discarded phone bills. Nothing. It's also when I noticed her clothing was still in the closets and drawers. Every bit of it. Even the photos albums of the children, taken throughout the years, were still in the house.

I still couldn't understand why she'd left all her things behind. Things she would have needed, at the very least, to identify herself. After giving it some more weighty thought, that went nowhere, I mentally set aside the mystery of that action and grabbed the envelope. The only thing on it was my full name, written with a black marker. In my mind, I knew that opening the envelope was the finale act of my and Melissa's life together. And, I had no choice but to open it.

With some trepidation, which shook my hands, I carefully tore open the envelope. The flap was glued and taped, so I had to tear it open. There were several papers in there, with the thickest having several papers stapled together. I pulled it all out. One was, as suspected, a petition to the court for dissolution of marriage. The rest were various other legal things. Our life insurance policies, our marriage certificate, the kids birth certificates, the deed to the house, and so on. Also, there was small envelope again with my name on it, but written in a blue pen in Melissa's left slanted cursive.

I held the smaller envelope in my hand for awhile, just staring at it. Hating what it represented, while needing to know what it held. I knew it was a letter. A letter perhaps explaining what had happened

between us and why she left. It might even have the name of the man she cuckolded me with and left me for.

I had to try twice before I could force my painfully stiff and shaking hands to open the small envelope. There was a single sheet of paper, filled on both sides, with Melissa's writing.

I grabbed another beer and took a long pull from it before I tackled reading my wife's letter.

"Dear Mark,

I'm not sure when you'll find this letter but I hope it's not too soon or too late. As you might know now, I've left you for someone else. It wasn't something I'd planned. Over the last several months I was sure you would have suspected something, but you never did. You trusted your faithful loyal wife so well, it never crossed your mind she was capable of such deception. I surprised myself too, and there were several nights that I cried at the guilt I deeply felt.

I know I've hurt you and all I can say, I'm so sorry. I know that might not mean anything to you at this point, but I do mean it from the bottom of my heart. I won't tell you any specific details, since they would only serve to hurt you further, and I don't want that. You've been a wonderful husband and a great father. No one could ever take that away from you. The person I'm with could never compare to you in those regards. That leads to the question of why I left you."

"I met this person by accident. We got along so well the first time, that we met often for lunch. From the first day I met this person I knew there was something more than friendship involved. I don't know how to explain what I felt when I was with this person, but it was like nothing I'd ever felt before. Please don't take this as a slander on you. It isn't. You are a wonderful man and you gave me so much. You are great in bed, and a supportive and understanding husband. What woman wouldn't want that? It wasn't an easy decision to leave you for another.

But, I could no longer fight off what I felt for this person. And this person felt the same about me. Neither one of us meant for this to happen, but it did, and we couldn't ignore it anymore. This person is married too, and left a spouse with two young children to be with me. If it's any consolation, we never once had sex. We are planning to wait until we are both divorced. It might sound moronic, but we don't want to spoil what we have by sullying it or to cause further pain to either of our spouses. I know you might find what I've written hard to believe, but it's the truth. I have no reason to lie after what I've done to you."

"I'm sure you're wondering why I left everything behind. That's probably the simplest question to answer --I'm beginning a new life and taking anything away from you would only prolong things in court. I'm not asking for anything. You've worked hard and long for what you've attained, dearest Mark. I've already caused you enough grief and I didn't want to add to your burden. I hope that helps to soften the anger you must be feeling. By the time you've read this letter, I hope to have spoken to our children, explaining what I've done. They didn't know anything either. So please don't blame them for any of my doing."

"I didn't know how to break the news to you. I've debated the last few weeks on how to do it, and I'm still undecided whether to tell you in person, or simply leave and let you read this letter. Neither choice is easy for me. I owe you far more than the best I can offer under the circumstances.

If I've left without speaking to you about what I'm doing, then I hope one day you'll find the solace you so well deserve. I'm not asking for forgiveness. I doubt you'll ever see fit to offer that after what I've done. I just hope our children can forgive me, although they are grown, they didn't deserve this either. I would like to stay in touch with them, but that would be their choice."

"This is not easy for me, Mark. I'm throwing away twenty-two wonderful years with a loving man. I know you must feel like I've betrayed you, for I feel that very same thing so heavily in my heart. Yet, I cannot stop myself. I've tried so many times. There were times I considered talking to you about this, in the hope you could stop me. I still wish I had. But, it's too late now. We've gone too far and our feelings have taken control of our lives."

"I wish you a long and happy life, however you might find it. I only ask that you don't try to come after me. When I leave we'll be heading to the airport, catch a flight overseas, and staying in some secluded place until our divorces are final. There is a card with an attorney's name on it, his name is Jack Belgium. I've given him power of attorney to see our divorce through. He won't be demanding anything more than your signature on the divorce papers.

Please sign the papers and turn them into him, or call his office and someone will pick them up. It's all been arranged, including payment. I hope you don't decide to fight this. I know you well enough to know you'll try, but please don't. It'll only delay the inevitable while causing added grief to you, and perhaps the children, too."

"I'll return when we are divorced. However, I won't be seeing you again. I've purposely not mentioned who I'm with, because it would only cause trouble for you if you decide to do something before the divorce. It isn't anyone you know, or have ever met. You and the other spouse were never put in a awkward public position because of our relationship, with our respective families and friends. They know nothing of this, either. If you and the other spouse haven't called them by now, I'm sure everyone will be shocked and probably disown each of us when they do find out, but what we did was never by intent."

"If by chance we should ever meet, I hope it is as friends and not enemies. But, I leave that up to you."

"I still love you, Mark. I always will."

"Melissa"

I had a hard time reading the last parts of that goddamn letter, as my eyes had teared up and all the wiping wouldn't clear them. I said I wouldn't cry anymore, but Melissa's words, as heartfelt as she wrote them, had the pain and anger returning.

After I calmed down, I didn't know how to feel. By that time, I was too tired, too disbelieving, too shocked, to feel anything but yawning desolation.

I put everything back into the envelope and left it on the table. I didn't know what I was going to do. I know I needed legal advice before I knew what options, if any, I had. In that regard, at least, I was comforted knowing that I could unload some of this onto another.

Although Melissa was careful not to mention too many details, I'm used to reading between the lines of very complex contracts and extrapolating what isn't being stated. I would eventually reread the letter many times before I got a better sense of what she wasn't saying. I know she didn't mean to allow me too much information, but I knew I could discover a lot. And, I would.

The weekend was as dreary and as long as I feared. Time seemed to slow and stop at times. Melissa stated quite clearly she and whomever she was with, hadn't had sex, yet, regardless, I'd feel better if I rid myself of certain things in the house. It was time to put the pieces of my life back together. I took the bedroom furniture and stored it in the garage. I'd decide what to do with it later. Next I took all her clothing and boxed it. That was one of the most difficult tasks I'd ever had to do. I smelled her in every piece I held. A few times I wanted to stop and leave it. I couldn't. I had to will myself to continue, to get it over with and not have it eat at me little by little. One big hurt over a bunch of little ones, is better, if such a thing is possible to judge objectively.

The rest of the month went much the same way. Except, the attorney I hired, seemed elated with the settlement or lack thereof. I was glad, if somewhat petulant about it, that someone could find some happiness out of this wreck of several lives. I did grow curious as to the identity of the man Melissa had run off with. Yes, I had determined it was a man and not a woman. I'd read her letter several times managing to delve an astounding amount of information. It was my attorney's council that I leave it alone and move on. But, I had to make some effort, even if nothing came of it.

Here are some of the main points I'd discovered.

1. It's a man. Melissa would never involve herself with a woman to that level of emotional intimacy. I know I misjudged her cheating character, but I was certain she was very much heterosexual.

2. He was extremely well to do. Perhaps even wealthy. That one is fairly obvious. Melissa wanted nothing from me, to the point she left everything, she had ever owned, behind. That indicated she expected to be able to purchase new clothing, and anything else she needed, using the wealth of her lover.

3. Along the same lines, whomever she was with, was not only wealthy but able to procure new identities for both of them. She left her driver's license on the dresser. Considering what she wrote about flying overseas for an indeterminate stay, and it was her intent to do so incognito (she didn't say that but it was obvious). So he is well connected, too.

4. She had covered her tracks so well, there had to be professional help involved. Either as a advisor, or in the form of direct help. I think it was the former, as my neighbors would have noticed strangers coming into the house. The neighbors I've asked, stated they never saw anyone coming to the house, although they did notice Melissa leave each weekday around the same time, roughly about 11:30 AM.

5. Whomever the man is, he left a family behind. A wife with two young children. That in itself wouldn't amount to much, but taken together with the above, there had to be public clues as to his identity. The rich are easier to keep track of than the rest of us poor devils.

It was only guesswork, but it was enough to begin my search.

I spoke to my attorney several times throughout the next few weeks, and his urgent advice was to sign the divorce papers. He feared my wife would return, having decided to really stick it to me. I can't say I wasn't filled with a similar fear, but it wasn't enough to force me into signing. I live in a no-fault divorce state, meaning that regardless of the true cause of divorce, most everything gained within the marriage was considered communal property and subject to the whim of the courts. Considering Melissa had chosen to stay at home rather than work, it would mean I'd be stuck paying a sizable amount of alimony, most likely for the rest of my life. Plus, I'd probably lose the house to her, and at least half the savings and half of my retirement.