Why I Hated The Guy From The FBI Ch. 13

"Tony, it can't be a girl for that reason. I do not want her exposed to men like me."

Tony smiled at him and said, "God has a funny way of getting even with men like you. In all my years of marriage, I never strayed from my wife. I had all the opportunity in the world, because of my business dealings. I could have snapped my fingers and had any woman of my choice, but I did not stray from Rose. It was the smartest decision I ever made."

Philip looked at Celeste and begged, "Celeste, darling, please let it be a boy. I do not want it to be a gorgeous girl like you, because men like me will try to take advantage of her. I would go to jail for killing all of them."

"Philip, do you remember what you said about your education?"

"I do not remember what I had for breakfast this morning, and you want me to remember a conversation about my education? Why don't you let Antonia hit me again, and maybe it will come back to me."

Antonia started to rise, when she felt a hand on her shoulder and a voice that said, "No."

She looked at Frank and said, "He asked me to do it."

"No he didn't, and you know it."

"I don't have any fun anymore."

"You will have a lot of fun once the baby is born." Frank kissed her, and Antonia smiled up at her husband and put her head on his chest.

"You said to me your education was useless except for learning about the land and wine. I now know that you were absolutely correct. You know nothing about genetics and who is responsible for the sex of the

Baby. You asked me to make it a girl. You are truly going to have to learn more about everything, besides wine. 'Men, I cannot believe women are made from the side of a man. It has to be the other way around.' Men are responsible for the sex of the baby, Philip. It is the first thing they tell you in high school sex education classes. The second thing they tell young girls is not to expect anything from a young man. They are only interested in their own orgasm, and when they have finished, they will leave you high and dry. In my experience, and I have a lot of it, it is true."

"I have never left you high and dry."

"I am a good actress."

"You lie like a rug."

"All men should die at birth."

Rose yelled, "Alright you two, enough. You could not love each other more if you tried. Cut out this nonsense, and kiss and makeup. If you do not, I will turn Antonia loose on both of you."

Celeste looked menacingly at Philip, and Philip returned the look back at her. Then they heard a chair being moved back from the table, and saw Antonia stand up, smiling. They gave each other a perfunctory kiss.

Antonia was not impressed and started walking around the table towards them.

Immediately, they took each other into their arms, and kissed passionately.

Antonia stopped and looked both of them in the eyes. "I cannot have my baby's godparents fighting like this. If anything happens to Frank and me, you cannot have an unstable marriage. If this is the way you two are going to act, I will have to find a couple to raise my baby, who are more suitable then you two."

Celeste looked surprised. "Godparents, how can I be a godparent, I am not catholic?"

"I could ask a guerrilla to be my child's godparent, if I wanted to, as long as it promised to raise my baby as a Catholic. I decided to ask you, instead."

"You are getting very close to being smacked, you insect."

"The bishop did not say I could not defend myself."

"Since I am pregnant, I will let Philip defend my honor."

Mindful of the last time he was attacked by Antonia, Phillips said, "Fight your own battles Celeste; I nearly got a concussion the last time she hit me."

Tony said, "Excuse me, did I miss something exciting?"

Frank said, "Dad, Philip did not know the rules about Antonia's height, but he learn them very quickly. Only Celeste gets away with calling her short or other names that would indicate Antonia is less than a giant redwood. One day, while we were out in the vineyards, Philip and Celeste found Antonia and me fooling around. Philip made the mistake of calling your daughter, "Shorty." About 40 seconds later, when he regained consciousness, he asked us what hit him. We told him it was a right cross from Antonia. He was lucky she had already left to take a shower because he said, "I did not think she could reach that high." If she had heard that remark, he would have been unconscious for another 40 seconds, or 40 weeks. Your daughter is very particular about who mentions how tall she is and how they do it. Not even I am allowed to say... nope, I am not going to say it, because I like the way my face is now. Can I hear an 'Amen' for the champion?"

The chorus yelled out, "Amen."

Antonia smiled and raised her hands in victory, as Celeste whispered in her ear, "Remember Antonia, All Glory is fleeting."

"Celeste, did you have to go and burst my bubble so soon."

Her father answered, "I told that to someone once."

"Dad, do not press your luck."

Tony smiled, "I can call the bishop, also."

"You have to rub it in."

"I never know when I will get this chance again. I have to take full advantage of it, now."

"Mom, are you sure you want to keep him?"

"Daughter, are you sure you want to keep Frank?"

"Dammit, there they go again; using my own words against me. I think I will be quiet, before they become smarter than I am."

Celeste reminded Antonia of an old saying, "When we are very young children, our parents are brilliant. When we are teenagers our parents become idiots. When we are young adults, our parents know absolutely nothing. When we have children of our own, we start to realize that sometimes our parents were right. As we reach middle age, we begin to realize how smart our parents really were. When we reach the age our parents were, before they passed away, we finally realize that our parents were geniuses."

"Celeste I hate you, I really, really hate you. You had to say that with my parents sitting at this table. I will never hear the end of it now."

"Antonia, as your father, I will never say to you how much smarter than you I am. I never went to college, I never had a boyfriend, and I never had a baby. So I will never be as smart as you are."

"Dad, I hate you, I really, really hate you."

Rose said to her, "Be nice to your father, after all he is in a coma."

Everyone at the table laughed, as Rose raised that point.

Then Celeste brought up something else that was quite important.

"Has everyone decided if they are going to go to Ann's wedding?"

Tony waited for Rose to answer. Finally, she said, "Yes, I am going. On my way back I am going to stop in New York to see my grandbaby, and some old friends. I am also told that a miracle will happen, while I am there. My husband will start to come out of his coma, and I will have to come back here to be at his side when he wakes up."

There was a rush of talk at the table about the permutations of things that could happen upon his recovery. Congress may want to speak to him. The FBI might want to speak to him. The press will definitely want to speak to him.

Tony asked everyone to calm down, and listen to him. He said, "The doctors will tell everyone that because of the blood loss I had and the oxygen deprivation, to my brain, I may never recover full cognitive function. I have suffered long-term memory loss, and even though my short-term memory appears to be unaffected, my prognosis for a full recovery is guarded."

Celeste said, "Tony that is an excellent plan. Make sure you have at least three or more doctor's sign off on it. One doctor will not be enough. MDs and psychiatrist are going to be needed to pull that off. Your brothers help is going to be needed again, Philip. Do not wait until a last minute to obtain it."

"Yes dear."

"The only reason I keep him is because I love him so much. Maybe I can even potty train him; who knows?"

Philip said, "This is getting really old folks. I feel like I am a pin cushion and you guys are taking a quilt apart."

Frank said, "You see Celeste; he is becoming smarter by the minute."

Antonia said that she and Frank were both going also.

Celeste said, "Philip, Frank and I will fit in my airplane, however we are going to have to put you in with the luggage, because you are carrying around so much extra weight."

Antonia replied, "If I took a straight pin and punctured those fake balloons you have under your blouse, we could fit a 64 piece orchestra in your airplane."

"These are mine and you know it, reject."

"What store did you buy those in Celeste; Michelin?"

"I have stock in Michelin you ninny, and it is very profitable."

"I still want to milk those jugs."

"You cannot do that, I promised Philip."

"He has already knocked you up; can I get rid of him for you, now?"

Frank interjected, "Antonia, I believe you are slipping backwards now."

While they were eating dinner, Frank's phone rang and he left the table to answer it. It was his mom and she was just checking in to see how Antonia was doing and asking him if they would like to stop over on Wednesday, for dinner.

Frank asked the usual question, "What are you going to make mom?"

"What would you like Frank, because there are only three things in this world you would ask me to make for you."

"Would homemade ravioli be too much to ask?"

"Thank God I only had one child. Two like you I would be in the kitchen forever. Will 100 of them be enough so you can take some home?"

"If you want me to take some home, you would better make 150."

"Frank, why aren't you as big as a house?"

"I have my parent's genes, and I work out like a bandit to keep my girlish figure."

"How is everything by you, mom? Did you and dad screw all over the house today?"

"No, we had to be good today. Your mother-in-law was over and slept in our guestroom. She was up all night fooling around with Anthony. She wanted to put him on a guilt trip for sleeping all day. She slept for six hours and when she went back there. She told me she was going to give it to him good for leaving her alone all day. I wonder what effect it had on him."

"I don't know mom, but I am going to find out soon."

"You are over there? You cannot say anything to them, she will kill me."

"It will all be in good fun mom, trust me. If you hear gunshots, it will be Tony chasing Rose through the vineyards."

"Do not even joke about that Frank, because if she lives you will lose your mother to one of those gunshots."

"Do not worry about a thing mom; this is going to be fun."

"I think your father and I are going to go to a movie; an all night movie."

"Enjoy yourself mom, I know I am."

Frank walked back to the table and sat down. He listened to the conversation that was going on, with great interest.

Antonia asked who the call was from and Frank said that it was from his mother.

She asked, "Is everything all right over there?"

"Yes, everything is fine. She invited us to dinner Wednesday night. She is going to make me ravioli. It is one of my favorite things."

Celeste laughed. "They could put steel on your plate, Frank, and it would be one of your favorite things."

Tony laughed and said, "He is still a growing boy. He has to fill out that scrawny frame of his."

Philip was drinking wine, when Tony said that and he coughed and spit a little of it out. He said, "Tony, when I took Frank to the tailor's for his tuxedo, they did not know what to do with him. If he puts any more muscle on that body of his, they will have to put a tent around him. His shoulders are too wide, and his hips are too narrow. Hell, his thigh muscles are almost as big as my waist. The only muscle that is not growing is his dick."

Antonia said, "Don't you bet your life on it."

Celeste groaned, "Don't tell me that, I may get to miss it more."

Philip looked at her and spelled the one word she said for him never to say. "D I V O R C E!"

"Philip, do you remember our conversation about you looking at all the young women but only touching me?"

"Yes, I remember."

"How dare you keep me from thinking about the one thing I might miss in our marriage, and never touch?"

"Am I ever going to win an argument with you, Celeste?"

"No you are not, so get used to it Philip. You get to name all your male children, as long as I like the names you pick. I get to pick the names of the girls; you have no say in that matter. We have agreed to love each other for whom we are, and you knew I was a bitch when we met. My hormones are raging, because you got me pregnant, while I was still on the pill. God only knows how you did that, but I will get even with you, if it is the last thing I do."

Rose said, "I did not know you could get pregnant, while you are on the birth control pill."

"The pill is 99% effective. Mister Lucky here got through on the 1%."

Antonia told her mother not to worry about it, because she bet Frank that it was going to happen anyhow.

Celeste said, "That is another thing I wanted to talk to you about Grumpy. I can understand you figuring out that I wanted to marry Philip. There were a lot of clues going back and forth between us, and you are always very smart and very intuitive and I hate every bone in your impish body. However, when did you bet with Frank that I was going to be pregnant, before I got married, and how did you know?"

Antonia looked at Frank and said, "I believe we made both bets in November, am I right Frank?"

"Yes you are. You made both bets, with me; right after Celeste made the second phone call."

"You little witch, that is what you are, little and a witch. You know what they do with your kind, in Salem, don't you?"

"They 'Salem' around the harbor?"

"That was not even funny Antonia."

"It was the best I could do on short notice, cunt."

Rose yelled, "Antonia, watch your mouth."

"Yes mother."

"I have you now pipsqueak. You have a hall monitor, and I am free to insult you forever. You are smaller than mouse droppings."

Antonia fumed as Celeste said this to her. Frank's hand weighed heavily on her shoulder as Celeste readied for her next salvo.

"If Snow White needed and eighth dwarf, they would reject you because you are too small."

Antonia struggled to stand up, but Frank held her down even though her eyes pleaded with him to let her up. She turned back towards Celeste and waited for the next salvo to hit her, and when she saw Celeste smiled she gritted her teeth and waited for it to come.

Antonia watched as Celeste opened her mouth and said, "You and Ann are the best friends I have ever had. I love you, you little snowflake."

Antonia did not know what to do with herself, so she cried. Celeste took her into her arms and held her tightly. She said to her, "Don't worry baby, it is just the hormones. We will get through this just fine."

"Are we going to keep Philip, or are we going to kill him and every other man?"

"I have to keep him baby; I love him too much to let him go. Remember, if I let you kill Philip, we would have to kill Frank also."

"That would be a terrible loss, Celeste. At the rate Frank is growing, he could help repopulate the planet."

"I was just beginning to calm down, and you had to say that, didn't you."

"The bishop said I had to tell the truth. That thing is like a beaver, without any trees around to gnaw on. It just seems to grow and grow and grow. Sometimes I think he is in the living room watching television, while I am getting laid in the bedroom."

Frank said, "I never watch television while I am fucking you. I may be studying but I never watch television."

Rose turned to Anthony and asked, "Do you think we should get him a porn contract if he is that big?"

"Mother, how dare you say that about my husband?"

"I have always heard that porn is a recession proof industry. It would be a good hedge against going broke."

"I could always live in my house in Brooklyn."

"What about your tenants?"

"If they are good and one of them can cook, they can stay."

Rose said, "That is very kind of you, but the cook no longer does laundry."

"Frank does the laundry for us, mom. I cannot reach into the bottom of the washing machine."

Celeste and Philip started laughing, but Frank reminded them of the time she called the villa, and he was attempting to put Antonia into the washing machine.

Nearly at the same second, Rose, and Tony said, "You were trying to do what?"

Frank smiled at them and explained. "Antonia was having a particularly violent day, and I had to cool her off. The bathroom was too far away, so I decided to stuff her into the washing machine instead. I almost had her in there, when Celeste called and interrupted me."

Rose asked, "Would she have fit in there?"

"I might have had to adjust her spine a little, but I would have gotten her in there."

Tony looked at him and said, "In my former life, if I had five of you, I could have gotten rid of 50 men."

"Dad, look what you would have done to the unemployment rate."

"Antonia, I can see that college is doing you a world of good. Economics and Finance seem to be a perfect fit for you."

Celeste said, "I forgot to tell you, Countrywide Mortgage is looking for a buyer. If they do not find one by the end of this month, they will have to file for bankruptcy. I am getting a check $36 million plus or minus, because of that little rodent."

"Couldn't you say something nice about me, because I am making you all that money?"

"When it is in my bank account, I will think about it."

"Bitch."

"Whore."

"Troll."

"Enough already you two, why are you making so much money off my daughter, Celeste," asked Anthony?

"I had a conversation with my broker and he said it was not going to happen until much later in the year. I told him I had a source that said it was going to happen in March or April. He asked me who that source was and I told him it was an 18-year-old college student. He asked me what system she was using and I told him it was the system between her ears. He told me his computers were better. I said to him that if he was wrong and Antonia was right I wanted my $10 million retainer back plus all fees and commissions that I paid up to that point. I spoke to him yesterday, and he wants to talk to this midget and find out how she knew it was going to happen this early. I believe he is going to offer her a job. I will not allow her to work for anyone else but me. She will start after finishes college, and pushes out two more puppies."

Antonia asked, "How much of a fee do I get for being right, this time?"

"You are still an amateur, amateur's work for free."

"Tightwad."

"Okay, I'll let you babysit."

"I am a very expensive babysitter. I went to Catholic school."

"So that is the excuse you are going to use to steal money from me."

"It is not stealing, if you know it is coming."

"Troglodyte."

"One day you're going to have to tell me what that means."

"It is a small, antisocial, prehistoric person living in a cave. I put in prehistoric just for you, midget."

"It is nice to know that you think about me all the time."

"You are supposed to get angry with me when I say that to you."

"As Frank says, I am getting better at this than I was before."

"Now you are ruining my fun."

"Tough fake titties."

"You know they are not fake, Antonia. You have sucked on them long enough."

"The ones I nursed on were smaller and less round. These tits belong to a zaftig Bavarian woman, singing a Wagnerian Opera."

"Frank she is going over to the dark side again. Take her to the bishop, immediately."

"I am sorry Celeste, but she is doing just fine. She is not yelling, cursing, or threatening anyone. She is using logic and contrary arguments to confuse her opponents. She has you on the ropes, and I am extremely proud of my wife."