tagHumor & SatireWhy Lucifer Played Cupid

Why Lucifer Played Cupid

byRev. Dave Springer©

All my life, I had the feeling that I was somehow wrong in being an angel. I'd always had certain desires that seemed strange for a celestial being. Even as a cherub, when I saw the Seraphim soaring upward ... my impulse was to go down! But finally, I thought I saw what part in the Lord's grand plan I was to play. No doubt, you've heard all about that apple business, only you've never heard my side of the story!

How else, but through my disobedience, was Eve made pregnant by Adam! Let me tell you the real story about that apple. You see, I was only trying to help the Lord. It was all part of His plan I thought. After all, the Lord had made that apple for some reason, hadn't He? It happened back in the time when I was still serving in Heaven, rather than ruling where I do now.

In those early days, I was the Lord's troubleshooter. One evening, the Divinity and I were looking down on Earth for Adam and Eve. There was some difficulty in the two obeying God's commandment to be fruitful and multiply. Mainly because they were so innocent they couldn't put one and one together and get three !

I remember the night when God and I discussed their predicament ...

Lord, there they are, over there. Look at them going at it; on a beautiful moon lit night, ... and they're playing handball! Well, You wanted them innocent. It's a problem all right. It doesn't do much good if every time he gets curious, she walks off to pick a flower; and when she's adventurous, he rolls over and goes to sleep.

Frankly, I'm reluctant to mix in, You'll say I'm criticizing again. Of course, You could always ... now don't get angry ... You could always take her back and restring her insides, so that they can do it with a hand shake. Yes, yes, I know Your objection to that, she's already perfect now.

Lord the problem down there is that You've made it all too perfect. Everything they look at is not only good, it is equally good. The sun is good, the rats are good, the flowers and trees are good, hungry lions and athlete's foot are good; every single thing is just as good as every other thing.

Because, naturally, You created everything; so everything is as attractive as everything else. Look, he's hugging a porcupine. See, there's the problem with perfection, Lord. If You want them to "begin the begatin", as it were, then You have to make that section of the anatomy more interesting; You have to make that activity better. What I am saying is, that sex has to be made not just good, but - well ... terrific! Right now, he'd just as soon pick his nose. I don't think You have any other choice but to thin out the innocence down there; and to do that You're going to have to use that apple!

Forgive me Lord, but I am useless to you if I don't speak my mind. May I tell You why I think You planted that apple tree in the garden? Objectively speaking, it is senseless. You wanted Adam's praise for everything You made, absolutely innocent of any doubt about your goodness. Why then, plant a fruit which can only make him wise, sophisticated and analytical?

Yes, he certainly will begin to question everything if he takes a bite of that apple, but why is that bad? Allow me to continue. He'll not only marvel that the flower blooms, he'll ask why and discover chlorophyll - and bless You for chlorophyll. He'll not only thank You that food makes him strong and healthy, he will discover his bile duct and praise You for his pancreas.

He may lose his innocence, but the more he learns of Your secrets, the more reasons he will have to praise You. And that is why, without consciously knowing it, You planted that apple tree there. It was Your fantastic inner urge to magnify Your glory to the last degree. In other words, Lord, You wanted full credit for everything, including the details.

Yes, Lord, I hear You. He is never to touch that apple. Then, why have You tempted him? What's the point? Is it obedience to You? You want him to awake each morning and look at the tree and say, "For God's sake, I won't eat that apple. Not even a little bite." That's fine, but with the same absence of curiosity, he's not investigating Eve!

I refuse to believe that man's only way to demonstrate his love for his God is to refuse to eat some sort of fruit. That kind of game is simply unworthy of the Most Exalted. Do You really mean for the letter of the Law to be more important that the survival of the human race? One bite and he'll know the difference between good and better. And once he knows that, he'll be all over her. Now he's kissing a tree! You see the ignorant fool has no means of discrimination. Wednesday, I saw him kissing a camel!

If this goes on it'll be a thousand years before You're a grandfather. I would be more than glad to go down and lend a helping hand in teaching the ins and outs of . . . What's that Lord? Yes, Okay! I'll stay away from the tree.....Yes, and I'll not go near Adam or Eve - in any shape or form. I understand Lord, "Innocent they are and innocent they will remain."

I looked down for a brief moment in humbled deference to God's will, but I was never comfortable in that position. My thoughts became rebellious.

Boy, it really burns me up, the way He treats me. Look at the time He made that fish with fur on. Threw it into the ocean, and all the angels run around shouting hosannas like when He created giraffes. I'm the one who has to tell Him it drowned, and He gets insulted! Before I can get through with any good advice, I've got to go through hell. Wait a minute, they're laying down together! Will you look at that! She's the one that snores!

What of innocence? Is not the Lord guilty by blinding Adam to half the wonders that were created? That apple was made for just such a time as now. I shall help the Lord in this, according to His plan. I shall open the marvels He dares not show, and thereby magnify His glory. In short, I disobey what the Lord says and carry out what He really means; and if that is evil, then it's only to do good.

Strange, I never felt so close to my Creator as I do now. Once Adam eats a bite of that apple, he'll unite with Eve, and Lucifer completes the lovely world of God. Oh praise the Lord! who gave me all this insight. My fight with Him is over! This is truly the original conception of how the world of man shall begin! Now, evil be my good, and Eve and Adam multiply in blessed sin!


Obviously this story would not be appropriate for a worship service, but more for a discussion starter for young or middle adults. . I think it has an interesting slant on the motivation of Lucifer's actions in the mythological setting of Genesis. The theme has nothing to do with sexuality, rather the nature of evil and value of innocence. Some of the questions raise by this amusing fantasy.

Is everything in God's creation equally as good as everything else?

Does the Creator make distinctions of value on his creatures?

Does God (can God) make mistakes? What about the Platypus, was it a miscalculation or a divine joke, or the improved version of the fish with fur?

Can the Divinity be guilty? If not, what of the guilt Christ took upon himself for the sins of the whole world.

Christ was innocent of sin, did he know the details of creation, right down to chlorophyll?

Is faith in God's goodness a sign of innocence or a function of love?

Is a dietary or any kind of outward manifestation (circumcision, refraining from sexual activity, tithing) more important than people's welfare. {situation ethics rears its several heads}

Is it acceptable to do wrong to achieve a good outcome?

Are we to praise the Lord for everything, even athlete's foot?

Do we as persons of faith find that scientific knowledge deepens and enhances our belief in the Creator and helps to magnify our praise?
Is the original (i.e. basic to all humans) sin one of disobedience to what God has commanded? ("I give you a new commandment, love one another as I have loved you.") Or could the sin of judgment, knowledge of good and evil ... "between good and better" ... "judge not" be what is at the heart of the Garden of Eden story?

Do we need a tempter, aren't evil intentions from the inside of ourselves, as Jesus seems to indicate in Matthew 15:19?

Lucifer felt closer to God when he was actually headed in the opposite direction, but then he'd always had impulses which lead him in the wrong direction! When our sinful desires mislead us, do we feel good or guilty? Does this give a spiritual compass for moral guidance?

P.S. I spoke more of Adam than Eve in my story. The original story, written by a male dominated culture, had the female as the one to be tricked by the serpent. Then she is the one who leads the male into tasting the fruit. Well, he made it clear that he knew better, so he shouldn't be let off the hook either. In my retelling of the tale, I mean for both of the couple to represent humanity. Either sex has just as much moral expectations from the Lord as the other.

In any case I hoped you liked the story too!

Copyright 1996 by Rev. Dave Springer
Exodus 20:15 Luke 16:10

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