tagHumor & SatireWhy Women Don't Have Sex

Why Women Don't Have Sex


After a long day at the office of men smacking my ass, talking to me as if I lacked intelligence and taking a pay cut so the CEO and his buddies could hit the bars after work, I was so looking forward to getting home to relax. My two inch heels were killing me, it was hot, which the nylons did not help any and traffic was horrible. Some idiot zipped past me, nearly taking off my bumper and gave me his little birdie. What an idiot! It's going to have to take more than that to get me aroused.

I wanted so badly to get home and change from this business attire to my comfy sweats and baggie T shirt. The thought of sipping on a long island ice tea and just kicking up my feet was all I wanted and what my body so badly desired.

Oh my god, I almost hit the car in front me. What the heck? It's that idiot who zipped past me; he's slamming on his breaks now fucking with me. Grrrrrr its people like that who need to be hung by their toe nails I so can't wait to get home. Hmmm I'll fix his wagon. As he slammed on his breaks again, I zipped past on the left side gaving him the finger.

No sweat! If he can do it so can I.

Now what?! FUCK! A cop! Can this day get any worse?

As soon as I opened the door to my house all I saw was complete chaos. The kids were running around screaming while the babysitter's hair was standing on end. Babysitter?

"Where's my husband?" I yelled to her over the top of the kids' noise. She pointed up toward the computer room on the second floor of our house. He jumped out with a shit eating grin. That no good raisinette of a penis wanking bastard was up there again watching porn while the kids were home!

All I could do was shake my head in disgust and fish a twenty out of my purse cramming it into the sitter's hand. She shoved it into her pocket and stuck her hand back out again. By that time my no good palm loving bastard, I mean husband was offering to take her home. I ignored her hand and maneuvered around her to the kitchen leaving him to deal with her.

To my horror, all the dishes that were in the cabinets now filled the sink and counters dirty. Can I just cry now?

"MOMMY!" Screamed Suzi. "MOMMY! Thomas took my toy."

I sighed. "Suzi go ask for it back nicely please."

Time to get some dishes going.

"When's dinner?" Asked the wanker.

Crossing my brow all I could do was say "When I finish cooking it."

I took off my jacket, rolled up my sleeves and went to work. After getting the first load of dishes in the dishwasher and organizing the mess out of my way I can now finally start dinner. What will we have? How about a nice refreshing salad? Now that sounds good! A little chicken and some pasta. Mmmmm nice! "What's for dinner?" Came that no good wasteland of a husband.

"Chicken." I replied without thought, reaching in to grab the salad mixings from the frig.

"We had that yesterday."

Did we? No, we had hamburgers. The man was delusional.

"We had hamburgers."

"Why can't we have that again?"

"Do you want to cook dinner tonight?"

"Chicken sounds nice."

All I could do was roll my eyes as I watched him waddle back to the front room and plop on the couch. On went the TV, straight to football. I take that he didn't want to cook. I shrug and went back to work cooking dinner.

"MOMMMY!" Screamed Suzi again. "MOMMY! Thomas hit me."

"What?" I asked turning to see blood running down her little tear stricken face. Oh good grief! What happen?! "Okay, Suzi, lets get to the bathroom and clean you up sweetie."

It was another hour before dinner was done and several complaints from the manly husband on how pasta wasn't a real food like potatoes were. It was everything to finish out the night with both eyes open. But somehow I managed to get both kids bathed, settled into bed with a book read and picked up the house for the next day. I folded the clothes and was just starting another load when I heard moaning coming from that fucking computer room.

What the hell? Was he spanking his monkey again?

All I could do was shake my head in disgust while getting another load of dishes going and writing a note to the babysitter about Suzi's head and how she needed to keep up on the dishes.

Oh god, I almost forgot, I needed to pay make a car payment and get the mortgage off in the mail... and my work clothes for tomorrow. Sighs. Is it ever going to end?

There's that shit eating grin again, now throwing his cum stained evidence in the dirty laundry. I tap my foot with arms crossed. I'm done!

"I'm going to take tomorrow off and spend the day with my girlfriends." I told him firmly.

"What are you going to do with the kids?" He asked without a care in the world.

"I'm sure you'll think of something. And I want you to cook all of us dinner, something other than hamburgers." His eyes widen. "I have had one hell of day today and I needed your help and what where you doing? Up there getting off on porn."

"No I wasn't." He lied.

"OH?" I asked.

"I never get off on porn."

I reached past him pulling his dirty drawers out of the laundry basket. I opened them wide revealing the creamy colored cum smeared across them. "As I said, you will get the kids to my mom's house and cook my girlfriends and I dinner tomorrow in a French maid outfit! You know, the one you begged me to wear on our wedding night." With that I threw the shorts in his face and went to take my shower.

He was already asleep when I finally call it a night. He was snoring as loud as ever taking up the whole bed. As tired as I was, I looked upon him with a small amount of desire wondering if I could get some pleasure. I curled up next to him with one leg resting on his. I felt for his manhood and started to stroke it, trying desperately to bring it alive. I nibbled on his neck when he snorted really loud and turned over on his side, away from me.

What the hell? I couldn't even arouse my how slap happy husband.

Frustrated and angry, I stormed off to the computer room. It had become my sanctuary on nights like this and I found comfort in a site called Literotica where I could write out my horny dreams for the world to see. I had turned many men on with my words even though none were my husband. Real men read erotic literature, not lazy penis wastelands who just watch porn to get off. And tonight would be like all those other nights. I sat and wrote, letting the words flow from me as if I were living the erotic experience myself. If only people knew I was a lonely desperate house wife whose husband loved his palm more then he loved my pussy they might have think differently of my stories.

Yet, each time I write these stories I arouse myself and I find no real satisfaction in that. A hot bothered woman should never go to waste and here I sit in front of a computer and my horny husband satisfied by his hand snoring in bed. This is so unfair! I thought marriage meant endless nights of sex. What the hell happen to that idea?

At least I had BOB. I wonder...

Would that wasteland of a penis wanking bastard would even know I was getting off by BOB laying right next to him. I giggle at the thought and decided, what the hell? I can at least try. So off to bed I went with erotic thoughts still dancing in my head I pulled off my nightie and found my favorite toy, BOB, my battery operated boyfriend. With a buzz the vibrator was on. I quickly looked to my husband, no reaction at all, he was still snoring. I turned it all the way up and let BOB at it. My god did he feel good.

It wasn't but a few minutes later I was squirting all over the bed, right next to the penis wasteland. He was still snoring, never knowing what I had just done. Serves him right! He should have let me give him head while he watched that porn! What makes him think he can have all the fun!

©Alia 2008

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