Wikileaks: North Pole Embassy

(Author's note: This story is in fact complete nonsense and I don't know any of the characters in person. I also do not wish to belittle Wikileaks or Julian Assange in any way, as I do admire his cause. This is simply a bit of Christmas fun, not to be taken seriously.)

DOCUMENT FROM THE NORTH POLE EMBASSY

VZCZCXRO1234
RR DASHER DANCER PRANCER VIXEN COMET CUPID DONNER BLITZEN
R 211510Z DEC 10
FM AMEMBASSY THE NORTH POLE
TO RUEHC/SECSTATE WASHDC 3707
INFO RUDLPH/ACTIIVITY AT THE NORTHPOLE
RUMEM/ HEADS OF CHRISTMAS EMPIRE
RUEHTC/NPCONSUL NORTHPOLE 1234

C O N F I D E N T I A L SECTION 01 OF 02 THE NORTH POLE 000007

E.O. 54321 DECL: 12/21/2020
TAGS NAUGHTY, NICE, PRESENTS,
SUBJECT: NORTH POLE: SECRET ACTIVITY
REF: STATE 1234

Classified By: DCM Kristopher Noel for reasons 1.4 (b),(d)

Summary: Debriefing on Santa's secrets. Lobby for ban on presents for enemies of the state.

¶1. Hereby the first report from the North Pole, since discovery by NASA Christmas Eve last year after tracing an Unidentified Flying Object back to it's origin. Circumstances are cold here and cooperation from local inhabitants has been minimal, though some progress has been made.

¶2. The North Pole seems to be run as a totalitarian state, run by one man, although it's inhabitants seem to be surprisingly content with this fact. In our conversations we only seemed to have found one elf that was unhappy with the way things were run, claiming "Santa is hording all the ginger bread cookies, so there is not enough left for the rest of us." Where the North-Polians do get their food from is yet a mystery though, as is their diet, although someone hinted they ate "frozen dinners". The North Pole has no farm land as far as we can tell. The only answer we did get was that Santa stocks up once a year.

¶3. Most of the Christmas compound is still closed off for us. When I asked Mr. Claus about it, his answer was that "It would spoil the surprise" after which he laughed so hard, that his cheeks turned rosy and his belly shook like a tub full of Jell-O. He did agree to some test being run, but did not want any on his person, nor did he want inform us of the fact whether or not he was indeed immortal. He simply stated he took good care of himself with a steady diet and regular exercise.

¶4. Tests eventually were run on elves, but they do not confirm alien origin, nor is this denied. Their DNA show a strange structure (much like a snow flake) that can't be tested by our current equipment. The elves will not let us run tests on the reindeer, nor on the food they eat. They claim the substance that makes the reindeer fly is very rare and there is hardly enough of it left to keep the team flying as it is. When asked what the formula was, no answer was given. An informant within Santa's camp however told us, that even though he did not know the recipe exactly, the main ingredients were "Christmas Cheer" and "Good Will Toward Men".

¶5. Economics seems to be a sore point to the inhabitants. When asked whether they were wanting to open trading channels with the US, Mr. Claus retorted "You have nothing that we want." When asked whether perhaps he would like to sell products to us, he started laughing, saying "We don't sell our toys, we GIVE them away. As long as you are nice of course. So you better watch out, you better not cry..." after which the whole room burst into song

¶6. In light of recent events Mr. Claus was asked to ban certain individuals from his Nice-list. Santa concurred with most individuals, saying they were already on his Naughty list, except for Mr. J.P. Assange. According to him, "Julian might be a bit naughty from time to time but essentially the boy has a good heart, and that's the most important thing. Tommy (Flanagan) however is definitely getting a lump of coal this year. Being so mean spirited as to want someone dead does not earn you presents." As the matter was pressed further the usually jolly man turned crabby. He asked us if we knew wrong from right, telling us in no uncertain terms that we were at risk of losing our presents this year if we continued. Being asked though if he would be able to find Mr. Assange on Christmas Eve, his eyes just twinkled, as he stated "I have my ways, Mr. Noel, and they have never failed so far." Further investigation will be needed.

UPDATE
¶7. Strange sighting at Santa's Compound of large male, with spotty white hair, that has obvious been dyed brown at one point but is now growing out. When asked about it though, mr Claus simply said this figure was "an undercover elf", whistling "I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus" as he walked away. Our informant was reluctant to speak on the matter, and needed a lot of 'convincing'. (We therefore implore you to send another shipment of gingerbread cookies and candy canes ASAP) Finally he relented, and whispered that this man was "Santa estranged son Julian, seeking refuge" before dashing into the night.

Yours sincerely,
K. Noel