Will I Learn To Love? Ch. 08

I looked down at the envelope, processing the words. Flipping it over, I opened it, pulling out the letter. Unfolding the sheet I started to read aloud.

Sarah,

I have started writing many letters to you, each one awful in its own sense. Words to try and make you forgive me, this time I am going to try the honest approach. Please read this, I hope that when you have read it you might understand my perspective. I am going to be honest about why I came to see you and I'm going to be honest about my feelings.

Firstly, my dad is in prison. He got convicted a few months back. I'm guessing you never called the police as his case never got reviewed. He got convicted for two rapes. I went to see him all through his 'innocent' stage, he was denying everything at first. One week he admitted everything to me, the rapes, the times, and the girls.

He heard that one had killed herself from depression after his rape, he soon spoke out and is in prison to stay. There were four of you in total, you, the girl who killed herself and two others.

I made it my mission to come and see you all to see how things were. It was something to ease my own guilt, nothing for his benefit. I never wanted to talk, just watch from afar to see how things were holding up.

The first girl, I soon learned was the one that killed herself. She didn't live long enough to see him fully convicted. I never spoke to the family. I just saw the hurt that haunted them all as they tried to carry on with their lives.

The second girl, she was a bit like you. She was trying her best to carry on with the usual routine, keeping her friends close, working her way through life. She was a bit jumpy, but overall coping fine considering the situation.

The third girl, she amazed me. She was still with her boyfriend, he had stuck by her throughout and they were together and happy. Her courage astounded me, almost as much as the fourth girl I saw. That was you.

You were the last girl that he ever touched, I'm sorry to say that so bluntly, but it's true. I watched you for a while, seeing that things were alright. Something about you couldn't make me walk away. I soon learned your favourite place to eat, drink and who your friends were. You were different to the other girls I had seen, you had a strong presence about you. I still believe you don't know about it.

Your world was so different to everyone else's, yet so similar. The way you would walk, people noticing you, heads turning to stare, something you would never notice. Your bravery astounded me, you did not show the emotion boiling inside. You kept it hidden, only for you to know about, yet I knew I felt your pain. On the outside you looked so strong, but on the inside I could see the fear you felt.

It was then after a while, that I noticed you walking to the hospital, I followed wanting to know what was wrong, you seemed so healthy. Seeing you waiting in the baby section made my heart stir. I walked straight past you into the next room, wanting to know what your results were, planning to ask the nurse after you left. Was it going to be a boy or girl? Was it ok, was it my fathers?

That was when it happened, you broke down, I couldn't just leave you crying. I held you still and tight, everything in my brain was telling me to leave, I couldn't be involved with your life. Yet everything in my body was telling me to hold you. Somehow I scribbled my number just in case you wanted to get hold of me.

You left, I don't know why, but you seemed embarrassed. I wanted to take that away, I knew the reason why you had broken down, and I wanted to help. My heart wanted me to help you.

I heard about the accident and did everything within my power not to visit. I walked past the hospital all the time thinking about you. When I saw a flower van I took it as a sign to see you. I arrived with flowers, and when you cried again in my arms, I knew my heart was set on you. I also knew you no longer had that tie with my father.

When you left for home I genuinely was worried. I know when I saw you that evening I seemed possessive, I just couldn't keep my feelings at bay any longer. Never had I seen a woman more beautiful than you, braver than you and with a bigger heart than you had. I could see your heart wherever you walked, shining, showing me the person you were.

When I went to see your father it was something I just had to do. My father being who he was, well I just needed to meet yours. The IPod I gave you was just a song that reminded me of you. I wanted you to know how I felt without actually having to tell you, it might have scared you away. I needed some way of telling you how I felt.

I remember the first night I stayed. Your innocence shone through. Knowing you wanted to know more about me, yet not finding out how, holding you in my arms, sleeping made me happier than I have ever been.

The past few days I have been thinking non-stop about our close encounter in your room the other day. I have dreamt about the things you did to me, the things I wanted to do to you. The way you made me feel that night, made me feel like no woman has ever made me feel. Seeing you brought new feelings to me, I knew it was love.

It was the best night and also my worst. I knew I couldn't keep up the pretence any longer, I had to tell you before it was too late. If my Dad taught me anything in life, it was not to mess women about. I know he didn't do his best with women, but that advice... it helped me through.

I thought I could never do enough to make you forgive me and believe me, I realised though that, well, love could. My love for you, and hopefully your love for me, could bring us back together. I love you. I know it means nothing on a piece of paper, but the fact we don't see each other doesn't put me in a situation exactly to tell you.

I am sorry about the things I have said to you, having you gone has made me realise how much I need you in my life. I want you, need you and love you.

If this letter has not stirred anything in you, wherever it may be, throw it away happily, knowing I will disappear from your life. If, and I mean if. If this has made you feel something inside, again wherever it may have been, I want to see you. I will stay for a day. I don't want to rush you into anything its just, I just can't stay here without you.

Where you saw me the other day, I will be there, tomorrow afternoon. If you think we can sort anything out, I would love to see you again.

I'm sorry to end this letter so short. There are a thousand more things I could say to you but it would be easier to tell you when, and if, I see you. I hope to see you soon.

All my love, Tom

I stared down to the letter in my hand, feeling the first tear trickling down my cheek. Staring at the sheet of paper I knew I had to see him. Everything he had said made so much sense and I wanted to forgive him so badly. Could I bring myself to do it? Could I forgive him?

I thought about it for a long time. We had never meant to happen, it was a coincidence, fate maybe, but he loved me. I didn't want to wait until tomorrow, I would have thought about things for too long. I wanted to see him now.

I grabbed my coat and walked out into the cold air, with no idea of where to start looking.

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