tagHumor & SatireWithout A Clue

Without A Clue


"Danielle, I can't believe it! Yes, I caught them together, right in our bed. They were doing it."

"What do you mean, what do I mean 'doing it'? God, do I have to spell it out? He and that hussy, Judy, the divorcee from down the street were having sex. Right in that bed. Our bed. It was a defilement is what it was. We never have sex in that bed. Good beds aren't for that.

"Where do we have sex, then? What has that got to do with anything? When I can't stand his complaining about it any more, and give in to him, I try to use the spare bedroom. That way I can get up and wash the sheets right after he's done.

"I just can't understand how he could do it. Do THAT. Do all those things I watched them do. Danielle, do you know that she took his thing right in her mouth? I watched it. She knelt right there and gave him a plumb job or whatever its called.

"Of course I would never do that. Do you think I'm some kind of pervert? He used to try to put his mouth on me too, right down there on my muffin. I told him and told him that good people don't do things like that. And he did it to her too! Right after she did whatever it was you called it, a hum job. They got head to toe in that 67 position I read about. He put his tongue right up in her. From the sounds of it I'm sure that she enjoyed it somehow. He seemed to do so to. I don't understand how.

"Now don't get me wrong Danielle. I'm a woman of the world. I know men have to have sex. And I know women have to go along with it. Enjoy it? What a ridiculous concept. I do my duty and tolerate it. I'm sure he does it as well as it can be done. I admit every now and then something very strange has come over me, and I find I'm enjoying it. I never tell him, of course, if I convulse, even though he wants to know. Why? As if I would give him any more encouragement! Bad enough as it is, or maybe, was. I'm not sure what's going to happen.

"I understand that being a wife entails some sacrifices. I have sex with him. Why it was just, what month is this? well, maybe not this year, but I'm sure it hasn't been more than 2 years. Three at the most. Is that any excuse for him rutting with her? For rolling on top of her and whooping and hollering like he was getting pleasure out of it? He never does with me.

"Speaking of that, I just offered him sex not 7 months ago on his birthday. I was in a hurry because I had promised Mable Jenkins I would go shopping with her. I was nearly late for it as it was, since my bridge game had run over. Well, I marched into the living room and told him to come on. I took my clothes off, hung them up and laid down on the bed. I spread my legs and closed my eyes and told him to hurry up. Do you know what happened? NOTHING! He told me he couldn't get it up, or around or something. So its not like I've never been generous. I am glad I didn't have to wash the sheets though.

"He certainly used to manage to get stiff before though. I just am so confused. Did you know I had to start locking the bathroom door when I took a bath because he would try to join me. Isn't that silly? Imagine, sex in the shower. Why you would just be getting all dirty in the tub. Then I had to start bringing my clothes in and getting dressed because he would tell me I looked 'sexy' dressed in a towel and try to touch me.

"You know Danielle, he hasn't said that in a long time. I wonder why? I admit it used to make me feel, well, a bit special. After all, he is a handsome man. But he was always touching me. No, not just like that. He was always trying to hold my hand, or put his arm around me. In public too, if you can believe it. I had to work very hard to break him of that habit. If I told him once I told him a thousand times, 'Teenagers act like that. Not responsible adults'. He would embarrass me so much by acting like that.

"How did I happen to finally catch them? Well you know I play canasta with my sewing circle members every Wednesday night. So much fun. Whenever I would get home I would tell him all about every hand we played and explain all the details. Of course he wanted to hear about it. I know he went to sleep once or twice but I'm sure that had nothing to do with it.

"Anyway, Cathy Andrews wasn't there. Do you know she took her husband to the hospital? I can understand going, it would save cab fare if she took him instead of sending him alone, but why would she stay there? On Wednesday night? So we had to cancel.

"I got home, watched some TV and read for a while. No, I didn't wonder where he was. What does he usually do on Wednesday? Why would I know? I'm sure he's told me before but I don't have time to pay attention.

"I went upstairs and there they were. I wondered what the noises where as I climbed the stairs but I never thought they could have anything to do with sex. But yes, both of them naked and in the bed. And after that aural sex... oh, I hesitate to tell you this Danielle. She got on her hands and knees and he went right into her from behind. He might have even, oh dear me, have touched her behind.

"Well I had enough. I wouldn't put up with that and I don't understand how even such a tramp as her could. Like she enjoyed it! So I marched in and demanded they stop.

"Do you know what he said? 'You're home early'. That was all. He didn't even seem ashamed of himself. What's worse, she didn't either. She even told me how wonderful he was. Absurd, I know. I told him I didn't see how he could be wonderful at anything. I'm sure I've never told him he was. All he said was 'that's the point'. The point of what?

"Danielle? What am I going to do? He left with her. I demanded to know where he thought he was going. I told him I had a lot to say and he replied 'Go ahead and say it. I won't be here, but that's never made any difference to you'. The they got dressed and they kissed each other. He gathered up some things and left. I don't think he heard a word I said. He acted like he'd heard it all before.

"Danielle, this doesn't make any sense. How could he even think of leaving me. He loves me. He used to say it all the time too. Do I love him? Of course I do. Tell him? I'm sure I have sometime. What could she possibly offer him that he's not getting here from me?

"Danielle? The connection seems to be breaking up. I can hardly hear you. You sound like you're laughing. You sound like you're having hysterics. Try to catch your breath. You sound like a hyena. Danielle! Talk to me. Get control of yourself. What could be so funny? I don't understand..."

(The End)

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