Women's Studies Ch. 10

I hated feeling like that. This whole rift was her fault anyway. If she could have only just accepted what she learned, we could all still be together, our warm flesh pressing against each other, and three sets of soft hands caressing our smooth skin. Possibly even fooling around a little before we drifted off to sleep.

"I can't sleep," I whispered to Kennedy, knowing that she too was still awake.

Under the covers, I rolled onto my side to face her and scooted closer, catching a concentrated scent from her herbal shampoo and citrisy body wash. I laid my head on her bosom and let my fingers trace lines across her smooth stomach causing her to sigh at my touch.

"Me neither," Kennedy sighed, pulling her arm around me to stroke my back.

Being this close to her, and feeling her against me, caused my feelings to stir. Letting my fingers wander, they eventually found themselves tracing the thin waistband of her panties just above her enticing pussy.

"I can think of something that can help tire us out," I said coyly, giving the inside of her breast a kiss as I let my fingertips slip underneath her panties.

Kennedy moaned as my fingers ran along the short curly hairs of her landing strip, but as soon as I reached her sensitive clit, she pulled away.

"Not right now," Kennedy said, pulling my hand gently from her panties. "It just doesn't feel right with Abigail out there on the couch."

"That's her choice," I tried, giving her more small kisses on her chest.

"I love you babe," Kennedy began, "but just because she's mad at us, doesn't mean I don't love her too. With everything going on right now, I'm just not in the mood."

I was frustrated, and even more irritated with Abigail, but I understood where Kennedy was coming from. Just because I wasn't particularly caring of Abigail's feelings right now, didn't mean Kennedy had to be.

"I understand," I said, settling back onto her bosom. "Goodnight, Love."

"Goodnight, Lexi," Kennedy replied, a little more sleepy now, as she gently stroked my back.

*** *** ***

My appointment was for nine a.m. and I was so anxious I arrived almost an hour before. The clock on my phone seemed to crawl as I sat in the waiting room for them to call my name. When I was finally called back into the exam room, I had butterflies swimming the four hundred meter in my stomach.

As soon as we began, the doctor dropped a bomb. Due to my condition, he was required by law to have a signed letter from a therapist before he could perform any procedure on me. This was a huge blow. Natural women, I guess, can get plastic surgery on a whim, but someone like me needs a permission slip from a shrink? It was disheartening.

Since I was already there, and it would have to be done anyway once I got the okay, we went through the standard evaluation just to get it out of the way. I showed him a few of the pictures that Kennedy had found for me (I cropped out any dicks that might have been present) to give him an idea of what I was looking for. The skin around my breast area was surprisingly elastic, probably due to carrying the weight of my breast forms for so long, and the doctor told me the size I was shooting for would be completely feasible.

It was embarrassing, being bare chested in front of him without my breast forms, and I was relieved when he had me try on the fitter. It was basically a bra with silicone inserts, an easy way to judge the amount of cc's I would require for my desired outcome. We tried several sizes until I found the size and shape I liked most. It was basically the same thing as wearing my breast forms, but the knowledge that soon I would never again have to be embarrassed about my breasts, or glue them on for that matter, was elating.

Leaving the doctor's office brought me back down to reality though. I hadn't really thought about there being problems with me getting implants. It was my body after all. Women got breast implants and face lifts all the time. The last thing I wanted to do was see a therapist. I knew that I wasn't exactly normal, and I was afraid someone like that would have a field day with me.

So, what if I wasn't normal? I liked who I was.

The doctor had given me a short list of therapists I could see, and as I sat in my car in the parking lot, I began calling them one by one to see when I could get an appointment. Across the four names, two of them didn't have any openings for at least two weeks, and the third number wasn't accepting new patients at this time. The fourth number was the jackpot. She had an opening for Friday afternoon.

*** *** ***

Knowing that my desires for cleavage rested on this meeting, I felt more than just a little anxious. My foot was tapping uncontrollably on the nice carpets of the waiting room as I sat awaiting my fate.

It was Friday, and I had opted to skip class today to get this out of the way. With Abigail still being a bitch, and Kennedy not wanting to fool around lately, I had become more than just a little on edge.

"Dr. Price will see you now," the receptionist stated, raising her head over her computer screen.

Taking a deep breath, I grabbed my purse and walked into her office. I didn't know what to expect, really, but part of me felt a little let down. In movies and TV, therapist's offices were always so large and well decorated. While this room was still somewhat spacious, it was smaller than I imagined it would be. There was however a nice couch and some plush armchairs.

"Hello, Lexi," the woman said in a lilting British accent as she stood to shake my hand. "I'm Dr. Price."

"It's nice to meet you," I said nervously.

"I sincerely doubt that," she laughed kindly. "You've been sent to see me for permission to change something about your own body. That's hardly a nice place to start a relationship, wouldn't you say?"

"I guess not," I said, this time with a little smile.

Just that quickly I felt better. With her warm smile and her open attitude, it was hard not to feel at ease.

"Shall we sit?" she asked, gesturing to the couch while she took one of the armchairs across from it.

"Well, you are here for a standard evaluation prior to breast augmentation," she stated. "But if you don't mind, I would like to get to know you before we dive into that."

"What would you like to know?" I asked.

"What kinds of things do you like to do?" she said, opening a leather-bound folder on her lap.

"Video games, martial arts, dancing with my friends, shopping...I don't know, a lot of things really," I listed.

"Martial arts?" she probed

"Yeah. I started near the beginning of high school," I said. "I was bullied a lot, so it was nice to learn how to defend myself."

"What level are you?" she asked. "If you don't mind my asking."

"I don't really know," I answered honestly. "I wasn't trained formally. What I mean is, a friend of mine was an instructor at a local dojo and he taught me privately. We never talked about levels or belts. We just practiced together. If I were to guess, I would say I'm towards the higher end, but I might be biased."

"Do you find yourself having to defend yourself often?" she asked making a note.

"Not anymore," I said. "Well, sometimes, but it's rare."

"But I assume it's nice knowing that you can if you have to," she mused.

"It doesn't hurt," I laughed a little nervously.

"How is your home life?" she asked.

"Right now? It's not that great," I said. "Before I left after the holidays, my mother and I had a fight."

"About your lifestyle?" she asked.

"No, she doesn't know about that, not yet anyway," I said. "It was about how she's been treating my sister, Audrey."

"How does she treat her?" Dr. Price asked.

"Like crap," I said flatly. "My mother is extremely religious, and my sister is a porn star. She berates her and humiliates her at every turn. Even if I do something wrong, she gets the blame, because it must have been her that corrupted me."

"We fell asleep on the couch watching TV, and when she found us in the morning, she went off on Audrey saying that we were being totally indecent, and that Audrey had been trying to seduce me. And if it's not stuff like that, it's something else. It's sickening to listen to, and I had finally had enough."

"Your mother thought you were having a sexual relationship with each other?" she asked.

"Yeah," I said. "Just because she found us both fully clothed, asleep on the couch."

"Do you ever plan on telling the rest of your family?" she asked after making another note in her folder.

"As far as I'm concerned, I already have. If my mother found out about me, she would disown me and say such horrible things to me. And no doubt, she would blame my sister for this as well. I know it sounds bad, but I don't like my mother enough to even try to have her accept who I am."

"Do any of your friends know about you?" she asked.

"My best friends do. We go to school together," I replied.

"How do they see your lifestyle?" she asked. "Are they accepting?"

"Absolutely," I responded. "More than I could have ever hoped for." Thinking of Abigail, I cringed slightly.

"Right there," she said, catching my sudden aversion. "What were you thinking about just then."

Something about her mannerisms, and the way she engaged with me, made me feel comfortable instead of angry that she was prying. I couldn't put my finger on why exactly, but I wanted to tell her things.

"My friend Abigail isn't really talking to me right now," I confided. "She found out I...slept with my sister. She's having some trouble accepting that."

"You're having a sexual relationship with your sister?" she asked. "I thought you said you weren't?"

"Umm," I said thinking back. "You asked if our mother thought we were having a sexual relationship. You never asked if we were."

"To be frank," she began, closing her folder and sitting forward a little, "incest is more common than society would like to believe. They really can't get accurate numbers on that statistic because of the taboo nature. No one wants to disclose that they may have had a sexual relationship with a family member."

"I'm assuming it was consensual?" she asked, getting back to business.

"Yeah," I assured her.

"When did this start?" she continued, reopening her folder.

"The same time I started becoming Lexi," I answered. "Before I was just Alex, but as she helped me find Lexi, the lines became a little blurred, and we both began developing an attraction. Well to be honest, I've always been a little attracted to Audrey. She became a porn star while I was in high school. I was curious and looked up some of her photos and she was amazing. I had always known that she was pretty, but seeing her in a sexual way was extremely arousing. I'm sorry!" I said, realizing I was getting a little carried away.

"No, it's completely fine," she assured me. "These sessions are about you, and about the things that you feel, and essentially about what makes you, you. Has this sexual relationship persisted?"

"We've had sex on numerous occasions, if that's what you're asking," I said. "It wasn't a onetime thing."

"I see. Well, we've come a little afield," she said. "We were originally talking about how your friend feels about this revelation."

"She took it badly," I began. I told her everything that happened that night and everything that was said. The whole time she just nodded her head and made the occasional note in her folder.

"Moving away from family and friends for now," she said after I finished my story, "when did you first have the feeling that you were really a woman?"

"That's a tough one," I sighed. "I guess I didn't really feel like I was a woman until I first put on girl's clothing, but my whole life I've felt like something was wrong, even when I was little."

"If you didn't know what you were feeling, what made you want to put on women's clothing?" she asked interested.

"Well, ah...that was my sister," I began. "I came to Arizona to go to college. When we got here, we found out that the school that I had gotten a scholarship to was an all-girls university. I was so devastated. I knew I would have to go back home and get a job so that I could pay for community college. My sister and I decided to stay in Arizona for a while and do some drinking to drown my sorrows. After several drinks, she convinced me to try on some of her clothes, saying that I could easily pass for a girl and go to this school."

"So, you became a girl to go to school?" Dr. Price asked me.

I knew I had said the wrong thing.

"It started out that way," I said quickly trying to explain. "That's not what this is anymore. I love being Lexi. It's who I am. It's who I've been for a long time. The moment I put those clothes on, things changed. At first, I didn't even want to admit it to myself, let alone aloud, but the more I wore them the more comfortable I felt. I am a girl. I know that in my bones."

I told her all about how I felt when I had to become Alex again for the winter holiday when I went back home. How awkward and repulsive it felt and how refreshing it was to change back to Lexi as quickly as I could. The whole time she listened patiently, nodding as she took notes in her leather folder.

"If I called your school," she began after I finished, "and told them that you were really a boy, would you still be Lexi when they kicked you out?" she asked seriously.

"Yes," I said a little more fiercely than I intended.

Dr. Price held my eyes for a few moments, her steady gaze scrutinizing me with impunity. After a few moments, she finally spoke again.

"I see," she said simply, the seriousness in her features melting away. "Well, from what I can tell, this isn't just some fluke for you. You really do seem to be committed to this. I could sign off on your surgery right now, but I would like to see you again if you don't mind."

Her words evaporated any anger that was building up inside of me. She was going to say yes!

"You want to see me again?" I asked, not sure how I should be taking this news on top of her endorsement of my surgery.

"I think it would be good for you," she said, closing the leather folder that she was taking notes in. "You spend so much energy keeping most of your life a secret. It would be beneficial for you to speak to someone with whom you know will keep your secrets. It seems like you have a lot bottled up, and if you avoid sorting through all of those issues, it could eventually become a burden that is too much to carry alone."

"While I think most of these issues are stemming from your transition, I don't believe that your transition is the problem, more the circumstances you are being forced to navigate, or feel you are being forced to navigate," she clarified. "Just think of me as a friendly ear."

Her offer was tempting. I hadn't really let my mind settle on all of my problems at once, but now that I had begun talking about just a few of them, there did seem to be a lot of them piling up on me. The stress of keeping my secret, my expanding sexuality, ridicule from some of my classmates, the incestuous relationship with my sister, and Abigail hating me for it now that she found out, even the tangle of my love life.

Sure, I loved the relationship that Kennedy, Abigail and I had, or at least Kennedy and I right now. We cared for each other deeply and made each other feel incredible during our intimate moments, but that was the deep love of friendship being expressed in a different way. I was sure that neither of us saw a committed future between us. When they finally found someone else to share their lives with, who would I have? I loved being a woman, but not a lot of people would be accepting of what I had to offer...if you catch my drift.

"I think I would like that," I said.

"Great!" she exclaimed. "Sadly, we are out of time for today, but if you set up an appointment with Jessica outside, we can pick this up where we left off next week."

After shaking her hand, I stepped outside to schedule my next visit. This session had been eye opening to all the things I had been balancing, but at the same time it felt refreshing to actually talk about all the things that had been working their way through my brain behind the scenes.

*** *** ***

When I made it back to the dorms, Kennedy was waiting for me in our room. I spotted her as soon as I opened the door. She was wearing a cute white summer dress that laced up under the bodice. It was a far cry from Kennedy's usual roguish dress style, but she looked rather sweet like this.

"How did it go?" she asked from her perch on the end of our bed. "She didn't give you a hard time, did she?"

"Not at all. She said yes!" I said excitedly. "Aren't you freezing?" I asked commenting on her dress. "I'm in jeans and it's still a little chilly outside for me."

"It's warm enough inside, and I don't plan on going outside like this," Kennedy said offhandedly. "I'm so happy for you though. When are you going to have your surgery?"

"I haven't called the doctor yet," I said, putting my stuff down on my desk.

After I had left Dr. Price, my mind had been preoccupied with some of the things we had discussed during our session.

"I would have thought that would have been the first thing you would've done," Kennedy commented smiling.

"I'll call him in a bit," I sighed. "I've been thinking about some stuff."

"Have you changed your mind?" Kennedy asked.

"God no!" I said confidently. "Operation Boob Job is still a go."

This whole time, Kennedy still hadn't moved from her seat on the edge of the bed. Her hands were still folded neatly in her lap, and that smile that never left her face was starting to make the hair on the back of my neck rise.

"What's going on?" I asked, then thinking I might have walked in on something. "Where's Abigail?"

"She's still out," Kennedy stated. "She won't be back for at least a couple of hours."

"You're starting to freak me out," I said. "You're wearing a dress I would never think you'd wear, and you haven't moved since I got here."

"You don't like my dress?" Kennedy asked, still smiling as she slightly twisted her body as if to show herself off. "I thought it looked sweet."

"It's nice," I replied.

"I have a surprise for you," Kennedy said biting her lip nervously.

"Really?" I asked, curious and a little excited.

By the way she was behaving, it was a good surprise, and with everything that was happening with Abigail, one more piece of good news would be great right now.

Her hands slowly moved down from her lap to grab the hem of her dress. She slowly inched the white fabric up her smooth tanned legs, and I couldn't help but lick my lips at what I thought was coming. It was going to be one of those surprises!

It seemed that Kennedy was finally in the mood again, which was a relief. This cold shoulder from Abigail, and Kennedy not being in the mood for sex, had been leaving me in a frustrated place.

As her dress rose higher, her legs slowly parted, exposing the seductive flesh of her inner thighs. A little over halfway up her thighs, something light pink peeked from beneath the hem of her dress. It was a cock! My jaw immediately dropped as soon as the confusion faded away, and Kennedy began giggling.

"You like?" she asked coyly. "I got this just for you. I remember how much you loved it when I fingered you, and you said you loved how hard you came when your friend fucked you...Well... I want to fuck you," she finished nervously.

She stood slowly, her dress still pulled up to her waist, exposing the length of her realistic looking cock between her legs. She moved closer to me and placed a soft kiss on my lips, then began trailing sweet kisses down my jaw line to my neck.

"Please baby," she cooed into my ear.