Wonder-Full Tonight

This story was inspired by Mild Mannered Author's story, Third Times the Charm.

CHAPTER I

one

Gods! I thought as the I woke up in the hotel, What town am I in, now? I had thought that since retiring from Wrestling (see my previous stories, shameless plug, shameless plug!) that maybe I'd have more time to spend with my family...I hadn't figured on concert touring. After the first month of a World Tour all the towns blur into one long haze of hotels, motels, cigarette smoke, and whiskey. Yeah, I know, sounds like I'm bitching, and I suppose I am, what I ain't saying is it's worth the price, just for the adrenaline surge before going on-stage, the rush of a stadium full of people worshiping you, the sound of the roar...who needs drugs or drinking when you've got that!? Hell, it's almost...well, almost almost, better'n sex! D.C.! I remembered, The bus driver said something about checking out the Smithsonian. I got up and trudged to the shower. Me'n wake ups don't get along. Until I got around at least half a pot of coffee, I was barely human. Coffee...? The thought triggered something...something I should do before shower...Room Service! I ordered, showered, ate, caffeinated, and then decided I might like to catch some sights before I sang. I had woken up early, so had a few hours that I should've spent doing sound checks, but fuggit, you only live once.

two

D.C. was definitely alright. I'd visited the Lincoln Memorial, got to see The Fonze's Leather Jacket, and had found, quite by accident, a great coffee shop that, most important aspect of the shop, wasn't Starbuck's!, and was walking next to the reflecting pool towards the Washington Monument, when I found out I could fly, and flight for some reason was accompanied by a "WHUMPF!!" sound. I felt like a warm hand had enveloped my body, and my eardrums pushed toward the center of my brain...Oh, shit! Thisisn'tflightsomesortofexplosionjusthappened! passed through my head at the speed of light. Then I hit the ground. I did a quick inventory of my body, nothing broken, ears ringing, no permanent damage unless shock was covering it up...try to roll over, good, I can move!

I rolled over onto my back, and saw a strange sight. Over head was a man who looked like he spent too much time playing Fantasy R.P.G.s, and reading Harry Potter, and not enough time in the real world, except for the muscles...under the robes he had on a skin tight outfit that revealed a body that while not bulky, was toned, and hardened. He had an arrogant cast to his face, and a mouth that had a cruel cast to it. As I watched and tried to get my thoughts to stop swimming in molasses, I saw him make a few gestures, and throw another fireball with a negligent wave of his arm. Through the ringing, I heard screams and another of those "WHUMPF!!" noises, and then I saw her! She was tall for a woman, about 5'11", with stiletto heels on her red boots adding at least another three inches. Blue spankys (those short shorts like cheerleaders wear) covered in white stars, a red and gold bustier covering an incredibly muscular, yet still heart stopping-ly feminine body that was a gorgeous olive color. A beautiful, if overly proud face with full lips, clear, intelligent, blue eyes, and hair that was a color of black that was so deep that when the sun hit it it reflected blue. It was in wild, yet still beautiful curls and tangles held back by a golden tiara. Wonder Woman was about to pound this creep into pudding, and somehow I ended up with front row seats!

CHAPTER II

one

Okay, quick re-cap: Washington, D.C., I'm out for a walking tour before a a concert, when a psycho in robes and tights shows up and starts lobbing fire balls all over the place. That's when an Amazon (Literally) Goddess shows up, apparently with every intention of sending the creep to either the hospital or jail.

two

"Halt! Surrender or..." the Amazonian began, when "Robe-boy" made another gesture, suddenly, the grass shot up and entangled Wonder Woman's arms and legs, binding her, and bringing her from her perch in the air, down to the ground.

"Ahh, 'The Maid of Might,' as I had hoped! As you can see, I've done my research, Princess, and have discovered your Achilles' Heel! When bound, you possess no more power than that of any other mortal!"* Okay, whoever wrote this guy's dialogue, should be brought up before the U.N. for crimes against humanity. "But, fear not! I don't seek your life. My cabal has instituted a mystical scavenger hunt, to determine its new leader, all I seek is a piece of Aphrodite's Girdle, which," he said, bending over, and lifting her Golden Lasso up, "this is!" He paused and looked her up and down, as I struggled to my feet behind him. "Well, maybe not all." I could hear the smirk in his voice, as I saw him bend over again, and tug down the bustier that was part of her uniform. "Hmmmn, nice!" I shook my head to clear it, and began creeping up on him.

"You don't want to do this, sir," I heard Wonder Woman say, and knew she was also speaking to me. Somehow, that made me more determined. Here she was, helpless, about to be raped, and she was still trying to protect me! Well, she wasn't going to get raped, not if I had a say! The Potter reject began kneading her breasts. "You can still turn back, for what ever happens to me, you can rest assured, justice will prevail!" "Tom Piddle" chuckled, and continued. "You have no idea how dangerous the course is you have set, for the last time, cease! Cease, and go your way!" I looked her in the eye, shrugged, and then leapt at our attacker with a flying kick! It landed, but didn't do nearly as much to him as I'd hoped. Inches from its target, I felt the air...thicken, and I felt a horrific cold blast my leg!

three

"Moldy-Wart" picked himself up, and shook his head, clearing out the cob webs, as I clutched my wounded leg, and writhed in agony. Okay, don't panic; first rule of cold, if it hurts, it's still alive! I thought. Below the knee, my right leg felt as if millions of knives were being stabbed into it. I saw "Jerko Lameboy" walk towards me, while behind him, Wonder Woman snapped her head forward, causing her tiara to fly off of it, and into her hand. She then started sawing at her bonds. Gotta keep him distracted!

"Did you really think it was going to be that easy, defeating someone who brought down a being possessed of the powers of a god?!"

"Actually," I said, standing up, "yeah, yeah I did, what with you being a little bitch boy who has to force himself on a woman to get any, and all." His face whitened, and I saw anger replace the amusement on his face.

"What did you say?" Here's where being an ex-wrestler, and a master of cheap heat was about to pay off!

"I said," I said, smiling at him, "That you were a little cock stain, panty waste of a bitch boy, who can only get a woman by raping her, and are so threatened by women that you can only get it up when they are helpless. Maybe you should try what I did last night, give your mom two dollars! You do that and the dirty whore will suck your dick so good, you'll think your balls are coming out of the end of it! Hell, make it five and she'll let you in the ol' back door!" I saw his face go from white to purple, and an insane light leapt into his eyes. He let out a bestial roar, and leapt at me!

CHAPTER III

one

One thing I've learned: Man is a beast. There are no exceptions to this; at our core, each and every one of us are beasts, with just a thin veneer of civilization. If you stress that veneer enough, it cracks. That's what I'd done to "The Wonderful Wizard of Ugh." A beast can't plan; a beast can't strategize; a beast can't use magic; and, most importantly, a beast should go down to a smart and strong man who has the right skills.

So, "Magic Boy" was flying through the air, no longer a man, but as a beast, just as I had planned. I stepped forward and to the left of his clumsy tackle, then I pivoted on my right heel, and brought the point of my elbow down at the base of his skull. You hit someone there just right, and one of three things will happen: death, a K.O., or, and this is the weakest effect, you'll stun them. I didn't wait to see which of the three I'd done. In the same motion I'd used to bring my elbow down, I grabbed his arm. While he was falling, I twisted it into an arm bar. When he landed, I stepped onto his shoulder, and used my knee as a fulcrum to place yet more stress on his elbow. I could now shatter his arm like glass from hand to shoulder on a whim. He. Was. Mine!

two

"Yield, or I'm a-gonna' rip your wing off like you were a chicken, boy!" Even if he was stunned, he should still hear me. I could tell from the tension in his muscles that he wasn't K.O.'d, or dead.

"Azorath, Klatuu, Barrata, Metrion, Zenthos, Nektu!" At first, I thought it was "stun speech." You know, that gibberish you spout when all the circuits ain't firing right? Then I saw his fingers gesticulating, not in pain, but in a precise choreography. Before I could make good on my threat, he...changed. Where as before he was about six foot tall, and around two hundred pounds, now I was holding on to a man who was seven foot tall, and about eight hundred pounds of steroid overdose.

No problem, I thought. You've got leverage and his joints are locked. What with pressure points and physics on your side, he ain't... and then I was flying through the air, again. He had flung me off as though I weighed no more than a bit of dandelion fluff. I rolled to a stop, and sprang up to see a fist roughly the size of a canned ham speeding toward my face. I ducked, and, while rising, put two punches into his floating ribs.

CRACK! CRACK!

"OWWWW!" I looked down at my bleeding knuckles; distracted by the unexpected pain. I looked up just in time to catch a back hand to my face. For the third time that day, I flew. I learned something. Unless engines, peanuts, and itty-bitty bottles of booze are involved, flying sucks. I landed in a bone jarring heap, and struggled to my feet with the world twisting and swaying in a nauseating manner. I saw "Gonad, the Destroyer" charging towards me, and realized the reflecting pool was almost right behind me. I had one shot if I was to survive, and then I saw a patriotic blur that meant reprieve!

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU LITTLE MAN!" the villain roared as he charged in.

"I think not!" He turned to see who had contradicted him, only to meet a fist to his jaw from Wonder Woman! He whirled around, and put a foot out for balance.

three

Okay, time for a quick aside. There is one point that, if struck, will put down the biggest galoot. No, not the testes, but close. Right behind them, and just in front of the anus. That's the prostate. More importantly, it's also the base chakra. (I know, some say the last vertebrae is the base chakra, I learned the prostate, okay?) Getting struck there disrupts the chi flow throughout the entire body. It feels like getting hit in the balls, only all over. Except for your balls and prostate. It feels ten times worse there. Okay, aside over.

four

Well, when he took that step, I saw my opening. Armored hide or not, a steel toed boot to the base chakra was bound to do something.

WHUMP!

"GAAACK!" Yup. It did something. He froze in horror and disbelief, staring at me in incomprehension of the pain suddenly flooding his body. Then he started to collapse. As he did, I grabbed him in a front face lock, and gave him a "D.D.T." into the concrete surrounding the reflecting pool. I felt him shrink. I got up and roared in triumph!

I saw Wonder Woman start toward me, but for some reason, she was in a tunnel, a tunnel filled with swirling black and white dots. Then, the world tilted, and I saw the ground rising to greet me, rising, rising...

five

I slowly came around in a hospital. Trying to turn my head brought a flare of agony in my neck and revealed a brace around it.

"Ahh, so you are awake, 'Brave One!'" I heard a voice say. The speaker moved into my line of sight, in all of her star-spangled glory.

"I don't know about 'Brave One,' but this sore, aching one is awake."

Wonder Woman smiled at me, "Alright, then, how about 'Foolish One?' A normal should never, never, get involved in a fight between two metas! Doing so is a sure way to leave this world for the next!"

"You're welcome."

"Excuse me?"

"You. Are. Welcome," I said, "You know, for stopping the rape, giving you a chance to escape your bonds, me taking what I knew was a suicidal risk to give you a hand? You're welcome." Suddenly, a surprisingly musical laugh shook her frame, and, much to my embarrassment, caused a couple of Double D sized distractions to jiggle, as she realized I wasn't going to let her scolding phase me.

"Very well. Thank you. You, sir, either have an over abundance of courage, or a complete lack of common sense. Either way, I find myself indebted to you, and we haven't even been properly introduced! I am Diana, Princess of Thymescara, Ambassador to 'Men's World,' Sometimes called 'Wonder Woman.'"

"I am Jesse," I said taking the same formal note, "ex-pro wrestler, singer, and song writer, sometimes called 'Jesse Lee.'" I smiled; it hurt. "Pleased to meet'cha'."

"So, Jesse Lee..."

"Please, Jesse to my friends. After fightin' together, and savin' each other's hides, I'd say we qualify as friends." I saw her smile broaden.

"Very well, Jesse. Since you not only stopped the rape, but struck the felling blow on the miscreant, I find myself indebted to you. I prefer to have things even with my friends, so, how can we make that happen?" Involuntarily, my eyes tracked down her body in a quick glance, as I remembered how she looked with her bustier down.

"Aww, 'tweren't nothin'," I said to her, "Any one would've done that, and besides, you've saved the whole world how many times? Just callin' ya' a friend is plenty." I saw amusement twinkle in her eyes, and could tell she knew what went through my mind plainly as if it were written on my face.

"So, not so brave in some areas, it would appear. Very well, I'll ask for what we both want, for as well as bravery, you are comely, and possessed of wit. Would you like for us to get to know each other better?"

"As soon as I'm out of this bed, you bet! First round of ouzo, and some roast lamb is on me."

"Then," she said, gathering up her Lasso, "with your permission, Let's get you out of that bed." She draped the artifact over me, and mystical flames appeared. Suddenly, a warm tingling suffused me and then was gone. I felt better than I had in years! "Now, about that ouzo..."

six

"...so, even with workin' out daily, creatine, protein shakes, and bout fifty other dietary supplements, Vinny Mac wanted me still bigger and stronger. That's when I finally realized he was indirectly saying, 'Get on the juice, if you want your career to go anywhere,' so I decided not to renew my contract." I tossed back another ouzo. "I still wrestle when I can in some minor leagues, and am happy with that. Oh, and I get my fix singing, too. Tomorrow, what with the incident and all, I get to rock D.C.! What about you, Diana, you miss Olympus?"

"Truthfully? Not as much as Paradise Island. Here, and there, things are real, and I'm needed. I can help more directly. Men, all men, even gods, make the mistake of thinking you want to be worshiped. All we really want is to be needed." She smiled, and changed the subject. "I can see I was mistaken, you must be a Meta, to drink so much ouzo and not be drunk!" We both laughed. She then waved the waiter over for the cheque.

"What about dessert? They've got the greatest baklava you've ever..." she pressed a finger to my lips.

"I'll take care of dessert."

CHAPTER IV

one

After picking up a couple of supplies at our respective hotels, (she was in town on a diplomatic mission, and didn't want to bother with 'porting back and forth between there and JLA's satellite) we were moving at a breath taking speed over the Atlantic. Before I knew it we were out over the Aegean Sea. There, we slowed down, as I saw her scan the horizon, check the sun and start searching for something.

"There are all sorts of pocket dimensions, here, with hidden islands, places where time moves differently, and we can be assured of privacy..., ah, there!" Suddenly, I saw the air ripple, and where before there was just crystalline blue sea, there was now a small tropical paradise. She set down, and lowered me, much to my relief, to my feet. "I get the feeling you don't like flight so much."

"'Roid monkeys and sorcerers are one thing, but heights have always made me more nervous than a long tailed cat in a roomful of rockin' chairs." Again, I was treated to that musical laugh.

"Now, you do realize..."

"Yeah, one time thing. You have enemies that, if this became a habit, would be bad for my health, or worse, my family's. Plus, we're both always traveling, etc., etc. Just...well, I'm a bit concerned 'cause of armored skin, super strength, a host of other things I more'n'likely don't even know about, how exactly are we gonna' manage this?"

"Weren't you paying attention to The Magistrar's..."

"Who?"

"The mage who we defeated. He calls himself The Magistrar." This time it was me that laughed, drawing a puzzled look from Diana.

"You'd only get that if you are a D&D, or fantasy novel geek, like this loser, and me are. In Forgotten Realms (tm), 'The Magristrar' is the most magically adept creature on the planet, usually chosen by one of the gods of magic to be its representative. I knew I was right about him being a fan-boy!"

"Anyway, if you were paying attention, I can temporarily short circuit my powers, by allowing myself to be bound."

"Ye--ah, I just wasn't sure if you'd be up to that, what with the attempted...well, you know." She smiled at me.

"I don't mind, in fact, at times I even like such play. Back home, on Thymescara, we sometimes made games of it. Plus, I know you are different than he was. Judging from the fact you risked yourself, maybe a little suicidal, but still noble."

"About that, look, I know it was fool hardy, but..." I struggled to find words to put my thoughts into, that didn't sound overly idealistic.

"Please, continue, I'm rather curious about that."

I lit a cigarette to cover my discomfort, and to buy a couple of seconds more. Hell with it, I thought to myself, She has conversations with Superman, she's used to hearing overly idealistic. "Look, if I'd have played it safe, and run away, like every instinct I posses was screaming to do, I'd've been no better than he was. I'd've been just as guilty of that rape, as if I'd committed it myself. I got a kid, and it'd be hard to teach him about honor and courage if I didn't live by those ideals, myself. Plus, I grow a lousy beard, and it's hard to shave if you can't look at yourself in the mirror. Sounds pretty lame, huh?" This time her smile was gentle.

"No, sounds like you're about a step away from buying a spandex wardrobe, but it doesn't sound lame at all."

I laughed a little derisively, "I don't know about that. There's a world of difference between taking care of trouble on your doorstep and going out to look for it. It's also hard to teach your kid about courage and honor if you're dead, or drooling into your strained peas for the rest of your life." She barked out amused laughter.